Priorities

Lately I find that ministry is weighing very heavily on my mind.

Charlotte’s resignation from the worship team leaves me once more with that familiar frustration at the condition of the Levite Ministry for the past 2 years. Maybe I should rename it the “Square One” ministry, since it seems to forever be doing exactly that – going back to square one.

I mean, I don’t blame Charlotte for resigning. It was pretty evident her passion and burden was for the youths. Yes, I am very frustrated at her resignation because of the situation that it creates. But I don’t believe in telling anyone to do something that I wouldn’t do myself, so I’m glad she didn’t stay on in a ministry when her heart’s actually somewhere else.

When I was a kid, I remember a big poster on the wall that read “When God closes a door, He always opens a window.” There are days now when I wonder if it should read “… He always opens a window for you to jump through.”

I’m finding it so incredibly hard to keep the Levite Ministry going, and its only been barely a year. I know life isn’t a stroll in the park, but sometimes I think about the obstacles in the way of ministry, and its enough to break me down.

Leadership is really so lonely. Granted, I haven’t really done a lot in communicating with people, so its hard for others to share my vision and struggles with the Levite Ministry. I guess it won’t be fair to blame people, but at times its so frustrating to have people coming up to me with well-being albeit insensitive remarks.

They really mean well, and its probably what I would say to someone else in ministry… but after more than a year of being in the Levite Ministry, and coming to really OWN it, I realize that the considerations I have are weightier than what a person would normally see and consider.

I guess it’s like what Martina Navratilova said about eggs and bacon. The chicken is INVOLVED in the production of eggs, but the pig is COMMITTED to the production of bacon. I’ve had a lot of people come up to me, suggesting different people to be in different positions within the Levites Ministry, and they all don’t really understand why I am so uptight about my recruitment.

These people tell me its not my place to judge, they encourage me saying they don’t want me burnt out, and they confidently give me their personal assessment that so-and-so is really ready to lead and serve. And they don’t understand why I am so reluctant to take up on their suggestions/opinions.

I am thus viewed as stubborn, overly-critical, too negative, or that I “think too much”.

And I think its hard to blame them, since they wear lenses very differently tinted from mine. Leadership is always lonely, and always hard. I guess its times like this that I really miss having friends I could sit down and discuss ministry principles with. Those days in crusade and in fellowship where we could slowly come to an understanding of principles that govern our decision making process seems to be over. It was a time when we spent more time understanding where each other came from, instead of simply focusing on the final decision, and pushing our own agendas.

I really miss those days.