How does one make a life count, and move out of this state of perpetual inconsequence that I find myself trapped in?
More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.
I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.
Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.
Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.
Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...
"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?
Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.
I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.
How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...
To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?
I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
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