Just returned from Switzerland and France. Man, so much has happened in the 10 days that I was away, that I absolutely couldn't believe it. Paul's case hits another brick wall, his church goes through another crisis which affects him very pesonally, and two of his ex-crushes absolutely... err... crushes him (hehz...) with their behaviour. Talk abt having a rough time.

News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.

Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.

Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.

Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.

Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.

You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.

Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...