Something is rotten in the state of my mind

Yeah, so I just re-read Hamlet again for the 5th time. So I probably am not a hundred percent alright. Just don't ask me what's wrong, cos like the girl that I truly am inside, I don't know.

Had the chance to catch up with Syl not too long ago, and told her what I learned in Europe. (Of course, this is gonna be abt Grace...)

Told her that all this while I kept asking myself what would it mean to be over someone. I remember telling Paul that you can't really be over someone till you are with someone else, and that your attention and commitment can finally fill the void left by the vacating of your previous girl. Now I know I was wrong. Hehz... more of that mindless chatter I keep spewing while I take a considerable amt of time to figure out what it really is...

Been asking myself that question all of the trip, and I guess at least I finally came to terms with some of the things I was struggling with. Here goes:

You don't really ever stop loving someone. It would be really silly to expect me to stop loving Grace after breaking up with her. If that were true, I probably never really did love her after all. And mebbe that's why Paul can continue to be the fool that he is towards Jocelyn. So it would be impossible to equate getting over Grace as having no more affections toward her. Instead, I feel what I need to come to terms with, and to "get over" is more the reality that I need to stop holding on to any spark of hope that I might one day get back with her again. I'll confess that sometimes I still muse over the possibility that one day we might get back together. And I guess as long as I keep loving her, it would keep being hard to not ever entertain the thought, or mebbe even the hope.

And yet, that would be the state of getting over her, wouldn't it? The point where I can love her for the person she is, and how much she means to me, without that desire that she becomes mine. So that I still love her the way I love Paul, Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan.

And this is where Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust at what I'm writing, but ah well. He loves me too, so he won't complain too much. Grins.

But this has been a tiny epiphany for me, coming to this conclusion. I guess at least now I no longer try to fight my feelings, and attempt the impossible. At least now I know I have something that I seem more likely to be able to work towards. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and berate myself whenever I still get affected when she shows up.

Enough whining.

The semi-finals are coming for Euro 2004, and I don't have anyone left to support. Sweden and England have both crashed out. Sigh... the only thing to do is watch and support the Czech Republic, for the sake of Nedved. At least he's my fav Juventus player. Grins.

Been sms-ing with Ruth a lot lately. She's pretty hilarious sometimes. But something tells me she's a lot like Weimin, who spends too much time brooding over the darker side of things. That's why I tell her she shd keep spending time with Weixiu, since that woman is just ever over-flowing with sunshine, so much that sometimes no one can stand it. Grins.

And my first season of Who's The Boss finally arrived!!! Whoo hoo! Go Micelli!!!