Mixed Start To The Week

Bloody Man Utd dropped 4 points over the weekend, drawing away to Blackburn and drawing at home to Everton. Boy, do they need Rooney. Man Utd's absolutely looked like bollocks in terms of creativity. A lotta physical presence, with very little to show for their work rate.

Still, at least I think I started off this week well. Had a good time studying today, got quite a bit down. Even had time to do lunch with my dad and sis, then to make a new pair opf specs. Sat down to study with Weimin, Enhan and Sylvia in the evening, and even spent some time talking to Syl after that. I think she's moving on pretty well, at least right now. She tends to be a little emotionally impulsive, prone to sudden outbursts of emotions, with no one knowing what exactly triggers it. Hehz... Still, I haven't really seen her in a while, so it was a pretty good time of catching up.

She's now at the stage where she tells herself she just wants to find a nice christian guy who loves God, whom she can commit to. Hahaha... told her I was at that stage abt half a yr ago, when I was feeling really lonely for no reason, desperately wishing I had someone whom I could commit to, and love. Nowadays, I suddenly have an outbreak of pple trying to matchmake me. Just 2 dys ago, both Paul and Caleb tried to set me up with their friends. Sigh. And somehow, half a yr ago, a part of me would have privately wanted to go even though I would have vehemently denounced the idea... yet these days I find myself really not interested in doing something like that. Shit man. I'm either really turning gay, or else I'm growing up just a little. Problem is, I dun feel like I'm growing up at all. Hahaha...

Was talking to Syl abt church as well, and how I really find it hard to accept what Andrew did to Patrick. I mean, he did it once with Henry, and now he's doing it with Patrick. Seems that he's really carrying things to too much of an extreme. For someone like Patrick who has stuck by Andrew through thick and thin, it really represents an absolute low in the way Andrew can be so heartless and callous. Sigh. What the hell is happening to him, I wonder. At least I know this would finally represent the very steep learning curve that would probably do Patrick a lotta good. Who knows, mebbe Andrew deliberately did this in order to help Patrick grow?

Right. And Osama eats pork everyday.

Was talking to Ruth the other day. Seems she has also joined the group that seems to think that if you're really depressed, taking drugs is wrong... so you just have to take out a pen knife and cut yourself a little. How do I tell her that if the trend was not to cut herself but to walk on burning coals, then she'll suddenly find that cutting herself won't help anymore? I think kids nowadays are a lot more messed up than my time man. Back then it was so simple. If you're depressed, you either turned to glue-sniffing (Coke was too expensive for us kids), or else you get into fights, or else you just go jump off a building.

Hehz... Ah... the good 'ol days.

Now that Paul has stopped denying that he's back with Joz, I'm counting the days till he has time for me, only to hear him give a blistering report of how Joz has been mean to him again. Hehz... Wait for it man. Its bound to come. Grins. He'll read this blog, try damned hard to not prove me right, but eventually he'll come up to me one day and do exactly what Joz has always done: "I'll never talk to her again la. Bloody stupid woman!" Then the next day he'll call her up to apologize because its all his fault. Muahahahaha...

Gonna be a really packed day tmr man. Have a whole day of lessons followed by tuition at 5 at Thomson Plaza. Ah well. At least I'm skipping cell group. Grins.

Sheesh. I'm supposed to be doing nothing except study man. Not that it'll ever happen la. I think there's a greater chance that the Muslims will start revering Pigs as sacred animals.

Ha.

What Kind Of Day Has It Been?

Fans of The West Wing will recognize that I've titled today's entry with the the last episode of their first season, which ends in utter chaos with Bartlett having been shot. And to be honest, the only reason why I labelled it thus is only because I felt that today ended in a bit of a chaos today also.

Started by being woken up by Weimin who told me she hurt her ankle when Weixiu accidentally knocked her down with the car in SMU. Talk abt being jolted awake. And I guess after that I couldn't really get back to sleep, so I work up all grouchy cos I only went to bed abt 4 hours ago. Didnt' really have an all too productive day, getting all the more frustrated with myself as it went by because I really knew I wa wasting a lotta time. Had to re-format my blasted computer, and spent all day re-installing the softwares. Then my anti-virus decided to disagree with my Windows Office, so I had to un-install then re-install it all over again. Bloody shit.

Been feeling really kindda silly lately, dunno why also. Mebbe its the frustration, mebbe its something else, but I suddenly realised I missed crying. Hehz... Was watching this really tacky Channel U program, with a really bad script and plot, but I found myself wanting to be moved by it so that I could have a good cry. Walked away from the TV feeling really bewildered, and with just a little less esteem for myself. Hehz...

Then came something that really took the cake. Seems that Sophie went on one of her mood swings, and decided to send Paul a string od sms-es, declaring her undying devotion to him, and how she plans to marry Andre in order to get over it. Mm... would just like to also point out for the benefit of Paul who reads this, that in many ways, Sophie also is just as much a nutcase as Andre, so even if we like to think better of those we care for, mebbe they really do see things in each other that we don't see.

But so there we are, Paul wanting to save the world all over again, thinking abt how he can actually save their friendship AND Sophie from 3 yrs' of hell in a marriage she'd hate. (Yes, three yrs only cos by then she'd either have killed him or herself.) And I guess the bigger irony of it all lies in the fact that Paul had only just gotten back together with Joz. Grins. ANd he had the cheek to say that he thinks I would like to be in his shoes. Muahahahahaha... I ain't the manic-suicidal one, buddy.

Nevertheless, one thing I do concur is that in all honesty and with all possible consideration, not in a million years do I suppose that Sophie genuinely is in any way in love with Andre. And so there is my ultimate nightmare played into life by one of my closer friends. How in the world can a girl ever do something as drastic as marrying a guy whom she does not love? I remember watching Spiderman 2 and walking away with that big question looming in my head. The big question of why Mary-Jane would choose to marry someone else even though she knows in her heart who she's really meant to be with. (Tho in this current situation, the guy she has in her heart is currently both not interested in her, nor available. Hehz...) And tho I could shrug off that as nothing more than drama played out to its max in order for effect, here I hear abt some dumbass plan of Sophie's to but a flat and settle down with Andre.

Hahaha... and so even tho I seriously doubt anything will come out of these plans of hers, it still leaves me with another sickening sense of confirmation that love is so extremely hard to find, simply because so often we settle for so much less than what we should. I guess we all need to learn to distinguish between those we choose to love and spend the rest of our life with, and those whom we love while recognizing that forcing things isn't an act of love.

And of course, just to re-state my 2 big worries - that the girl I'm meant to be with is stuck with another guy, and the gilr I one day end up with might just be stuck to me.

Sigh.

What a day it turned out to be huh?

Out At Sea

Read in my lit text today abhout how "when disenchantment becomes so pervasive that it undermines all convictions, it saps the moral energy on which we function". The writer goes on to describe a man who was "so focused on the ultmate emptiness of existence, so mistrustful of his own feelings, that he finds himself unable to sustain any personal or public commitment."

And a tingle went down my spine as I read that. A tingle because I happen to like what he said, and concur with the idea... but today I met up with Andrew Wang who seemed to embody the antithesis of that.

Met him for lunch, where he was telling me about the conflict Eric and Mel is having with Robin. Then he opened up to how he himself is choosing to run from the church, disenchanted with the segregation that he experiences, and that he identifie with the church. Yet he turns to his passion in Nature Conservation as an outlet, devoting much time and his ideals into that alternative. Despite the apparent pessimism that seeps through his exterior, he's managed to find a means of channeling his ideals into an alternative instead of embracing disilusionment.

And only yesterday morning, Susan Ang was commenting abt the 2 most common images used in literature across the centuries - the sea and the dessert. And she talks abt how the sea originates as an image of uncertainty, where man is unable to stand still and anchor himself in a single spot. Where he has absolutely no control whatsoever over his own fate. Yet by the age of the romantics, they've turned the paradigm around, embracing the sea as an adventure, a quest to discover new and uncharted territories.

And I guess at 3 in the morning, if I were to undertake a crass reduction of the two ideas, I'd say it boiled down to the idea of looking at the half-full or half-empty cup. Amazing how it can boil down to a cliche that I learnt in Pri 1.

Was sharing with Andrew that sometimes I really feel I'm losing control. That I don't even dare to sleep, since in those moments between lying down and being alseep, I have to be alone by myself. And I don't think I dare to face up to a lot of things in myself. When I take retreats, I think abt myself in relation to pple/things/events/plans. On a bus or when I'm walking ard in a park alone, I never do dare to think of nothing else except take stock of myself. Who I am, what kind of man I've become, what's going on with and in me.

Think he was absolutely right. My concern for people seems to be more a reaction to my own subconcious awareness that its time take a good hard look at myself. What some pple mistake as compassion on my part turns out to be no more than a deception and escape aimed at running away from myself.

Guess its time I do that soon.

Face up to myself.

Real Soon.

My Case

Just finished reading the book "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. It makes for a fascinating read for me. Not so much how true he puts out the case that it really takes more faith to disbelieve that Jesus is who He claims to be than to confess that he really is Lord and God come to die for us. But its really fascinating to see the dialogue that's exchanged between the believers and non-believers, and how sometimes when you're firmly fixated with a certain mindset, its impossible to see the other side of the coin.

And maybe that's the problem with me sometimes. Just sat down today for supper with Paul. He's got a major hearing coming up tmr, and I can tell that he's pretty worried. Guess he's really unsure what exactly he wishes to do with his future now. And with Joz and him still dancing that same annoying tune of "Pick-Me-Up-Then-Drop-Me-Again-Then-Pick-Me-Up-Again-Then-Drop-Me-Again", its pretty easy to see that he really is at a loss now when confronted with a future that was once steeped in opportunities and possibilities yet now fraught with uncertainties and closed doors.

We were doing some calculations and realized that I've been single for almost 2 yrs oredi. Man! Time certainly flies. Hahahaha... and I've already been a wuss for so long. With Xiying now attached to Shirong, and Paul probably getting back with Joz, I think its time I start making more friends and set the stage for me to get myself a girlfriend. Muahahaha.

Time I stop letting Grace and Andrew continue ruining my life. No point wondering if getting attached is gonna hurt her, Peng. After all, if she wants to run away from you, then just leave her alone. Move on, and finally get yourself a girl who truly loves you. Grins.

*damn*

Ah well. Who am I kidding. Who the hell would want to date me now anyway? Even Paul's gotta resort to going back to his ex. (Hehz...) No, Nut. You lost out again. Grins. Time to go running, lose weight, start getting my life back in order... ah... then the fish will start biting. and since I tell myself I'll only date someone I've known well for over 2 yrs, I better start expanding my circle of female friends to more than the current ones that I have... and move on to the more eligible ones. Muahahahaha...

But getting back to "The Case For Christ", reading it in tandem with some things happening ard me... really set me thinking. Been telling CK that we really need to brush up on the quality of BS in our cell. I can actually sound really profound when sharing while sms-ing. That's how bad our level of knowledge in the Bible has sunk. No doubt that knowledge of the Bible ain't the standard by which we judge true spirituality... but surely one needs to know who and what we believe, so that the God we profess is more than just a general lofty idea of a higher being. Secondly, Ruth's been asking again and again why she can't love God. And I guess its a question I always struggle with. But hahaha... on the one hand, she seems more bothered by the fact that she doesn't love God than me... which I guess might indicate that she actually loves God more than me. Grins.

She gave me her blog to read. And what struck me was how everyone seems to think they're the only one who is so depraved and unlovable. Guess one day when she grows up and has people opening up to her, she'll see that almost everyone feels the same way - that if we were to ever open ourselves up for everyone to see who we truly are inside, no one would want to have anything to do with us. Bloody hell, even I also have such thoughts everyday. That accounts for the many masks that I wear so well in most settings and places that no one knows what I feel inside, or who I truly am inside.

Reading the book has at least drawn me to one conclusion -

Someone once said,
"If He be God and died for me,
No earthly price too great can be
For me a mortal man to make
I'll do it all for Jesus' sake"

And that was my little stirring of the heart after reading the book. For me there never was any thunder and lightning when I received Christ. Yet again and again when I'm remind of what He did for me on the cross, and at Calvary... I'm reminded that everytime I do something to let Him down, those nails he bore were because of that. And such an awe of that kind of love compels in me a response that can only be worship.

Gotta give Ham BS early tmr. Weimin's timetable just got badly screwed up, and sometimes I get a little worried foi them. Ham's not exactly Mr Sensitive, and Weimin tends to be all gloom and doom. Trying very hard to tell myself not to kaypoh. Its their relationship, not mine.

Grins.

Time to go find my own.

On my own...

Happy Birthday Singapore

Well, yesterday was National Day. Wonder if its just me, or is it really that this year, things were a lot more low-key. I mean, they had their fair share of fanfare I suppose. Only on sunday, I was with my cell group at the Esplanade, where we all squeezed like a moronic bunch of sardines for 2 hrs, just to catch a 5 min glimpse of the fireworks which occur every sunday for 4 weeks in a row. Yet the parade itself seemed to lack any real significance, esp in light of the fact that this is Goh Chok Tong's last ever National Day as PM. Ah well. Mebbe its only cos I stayed home all day. But I do belong to the grp that is gonna miss Goh Chok Tong. Think he was really quite something. Guess he ain't no LKY, but he held his own, and did pretty ok.

Been re-reading Kundera's Immortality, only cos I wanted to finish the book, but had already more or less forgotten everything that was in it. Ah well. Am enjoying my second read tho. Picking up lotsa stuff that I either didn't know, or forgot that I picked up. Been having this really bad stomach that trouble me no ends since sunday itself, when I had to lead worship last-minute cos John pulled out for health reasons. Sigh. I was utterly unintelligible on stage, absolutly focused more on where my stomach was going than on what God was saying. Hehz...

Paul's coming out tmr, (and yes Nut, he's in Queenstown Remand.) but I'll have to be trying to0 pull of a stunt, bidding for my modules while being there to receive him. Ah well. Guess I could always rely on someone to help me bid, and call me if anything screws up. =)

Quit from Joseph's office already, but I guess I owe him at least a completed write-up on his website. Will need to get working on that ASAP.

I keep having a lot to say when I'm outside, thoughts that I wanted to pen down. But whenever I stare at this god-forsaken screen, I can't seem to recall anything. Aaaarrgghh. THink I'm going mad. Really mad.

Think I actually miss Paul. A few times I picked up my phone to msg him before I stopped myself. Hahaha... I need to get a real girl man. Now if only there were any in my own social context. Bloody cell grp kepy making overtures abt Annie to me and her all through sunday. Bloody embarrassing for me and her la. Well... at least, for me...

And no, NUT... keep climbing Paul's ladder... stay off my turf. I have my own 15 yr old to deal with. Muahahahaha... Ruth's absolutely hilarious man. I think one day I shd arrange for me and Paul to let you two meet.

*Waits for Paul to digest last statement*

Grins. Welcome home, buddy.

Restricted Privileges

Just got word today that I can't visit Paul in prison, since they only allow visitors once a fortnight. And Paul's parents are gonna see him today at 1330, but I gotta be stuck in the office. Sigh. Too bad, buddy. Guess I'm gonna have to see you only on your release. Don't cry too much abt your hair ya? At least you'll appreciate the next time you visit QB House, no matter how the cut turns out.

Am thinking of deleting Grace off my icq. Just a thought. I'm no longer hoping that she'll say hi when we're both online, nor even the silly notion of being at least able to "see" her online, so that at least at that point in time I know where she is. So mebbe before I start being silly again, I shd take it away while I still feel this way. Hehz... "Operation Spotless Mind".

Grins. Muahahaahahaha.. otherwise known as "Operation Brainless"...

Was asking myself how can I be praying for Paul? Pray that he doesn't get molested? Hahaha...

Pray for peace? I think I need to pray that for his parents more than himself.

Pray that he learns his lesson? Please...

Pray that he will spend his time meaningfully there? Erm...

Pray that he'll meet his dream girl inside? Muahahahahaha...

Ah well. Guess I'll just tell God I dunno what to pray for him, but ask that He somehow just watch over him so that he doesn't suddenly keel over and die while inside. Hehz... And while he's at it, that mebbe somehow... somehow he'll be able to experience God's presence, no matter big or small, in the absence of familiar friends and surroundings.

Ah well.Lotsa time in the office to pray, but if that's all I can pray for Paul, its gonna be a really short affair. Grins. Too bad, buddy. At least I prayed. =)

Where's my special someone I can obsess over??? So that the hours will pass away faster in the office??? Right now I'm really just dying... just dying... Its so cool... to have someone whom I'm so crazy over I'll stay up till 4 in the morning helping her with her work, send her ard Singapore, buy her an OSIM eye pillow shen she can't sleep... *wink*

Hahahaha... Its so cool to have sucker friends!!! =)

Gotta run. Work's catching up on me.

So It Has Happened

And so it has finally come to pass. Paul was today sentenced to one week in remand, and a 5 yr ban from driving. I guess you could look at it and say he got off light, since the benchmark for such an offence is about 2 months in jail. Yet nevertheless going into jail itself puts it in a totally different category, in that perculiar way it really deosn't matter whether its one week or one year.

His parents are obviously pretty distraught, and Jocelyn looked really bad. (No, not making my usual comments abt her looks. *grins*) Guess we were all hoping against hope that he'll find a reprieve and get away with a fine and ban. Now I'll have no one to whine and bitch abt my lonely long weekend to, simply cos my buddy has left me and is hanging ard with all his new boyfriends. Hehz...

Taking stock of my own life, I inevitably use Paul's as a yardstick to measure mine. Would I have traded lives with him , or traded any positions with his? Would I have preferred a degree that comes with a jail record, or no degree and yet with a spotless civil record? I guess I have no answers for that. Mebbe that in itself is the answer. There really is no difference. What's left is the kind of person I've become, and the kind of person that he's become, that's made all the difference.

Having come into closer contact with Joz in recent days, its so apparent that those two can't get each other out of their minds, and don't want to. So Joz keeps going to find Paul whenever she's down, and Paul inevitably responds whenever he gets such a call. One keeps going back to the other because he's still the one whom she trusts will really care for her, while the other keeps going back to her for fear that if he doesn't, she'll lose that trust in him and he in turn will lose her.

Sounds a bit like Days Of Our Lives if you ask me. Muahahahahaha... but I guess sometimes that's how the heart is, like a compass that inevitably keeps pointing in the same direction no matter where you turn. Funny thing is that I've yet to find that girl.

Thatday Paul and I were just talking abt relationships, and he pointed out to this thing he saw on Mobile TV, where someone had categorized your partner into 3 basic categories - The one you long to love, the one you end up loving, and the one you were meant to love. And yeah, that sorta made a lotta sense to me. So he concluded that Joz was more someone he longed to love, which made her so hard to get out of his life. And I concluded that Grace was more likely the one I ended up loving, so off the mark of my conceptualised partner was she. Mebbe that's why its so much easier for me to move on than it was for him.

Ah well... but guess we still are waiting and wondering if there will one day be that person we were meant to love who will show up. At least I am. And no, Nut, it prob ain't gonna be you. Grins. So don't get your hopes up.

Am still stuck in two minds abt staying on in NUS. Guess it would have been good to be able to run away from everything in Singapore, and take time out for myself to start afresh overseas, but staying in Singapore to finish up my degree makes so much more sense. Just need to give it my best shot and pray real hard I guess...

Sigh.

There's never anyone ard in the office. Bloody bored.

The Day After...

I had a lotta fun today.

Me, Enoch and Zhaoxiang met up with some of Julia's friends from the States, who went on the Cambodia mission trip with her. They were stopping by in Singapore for half a day, so we brought them ard. There was Greg and Teresa, the 2 staff members... then Dan and Jeff, Wendy and Diana.

Diana! Man, she was really cute. Not the hot babe kindda cute, but the really nice girl with a sweet smiel kinda cute. Grins. Not that I was salivating over her, but yeah, had a good time talking to her today. But ah wel. Think she's too young, or else she must be attached. Yes, I didn't even ask. I did make it a point to spent time talking to EVERYONE in that team.

Grins.

So its obvious that I took half day off from office. No one was in anyway, and no one will be in till thursday, when David is back from reservist. Never even seen him before, actually... hehz...

I've been considering my options to go into NTU instead of overseas, since I'm dropping the idea of doing psychology. And today the vice-dean suddenly called me to say he wants to talk to me abt my decision to withdraw from NUS. Add to that the fact that one of my church members turned out to be the vice-dean of some department in FASS also, and she now wants to talk to me to see if she could help me out.

I'm relly wondering why God has suddenly opened these doors for me, when all this while it seemed like it was impossible for me do anything but leave for Australia...

Sigh... watch this space man.

And yeah, 22nd Nov Nut. Paul will DEFINITELY be doing something for you.

Like... ignoring it.

Muahahahahahaha...

Happy Birthday, Prodo

Actually, I didn't really wanna blog tonight, but since its one of them significant dates, I thought it is only right that I set it down proper, so that it can be looked back upon and remembered fondly.

Pulled off a little bit of a surprise for him, when Weibin, Aaron, Sophie and Jocelyn showed up at the dinner place, instead of just the two of us that I kept on trying to drill into him. Granted, there were a few hiccups along the way when Joz and him had another lovers' tiff (Tiff!!!! Just a tiff!!! Gee, whatever was I thinking? Tsk tsk...) and she wanted to pull out of the dinner... then she accidentally gave away the fact that we were gonna give him blades for his birthday. And the champion thing was that we bumped into Aaron on the way to the restaurant, cos Paul was so bloody late that Aaron had waited for anhr and absolutely needed the toilet. Still, we mumbled some stuff and then set off for the restaurant and reached there where Paul was a little surprised at the grp that turned out la.

well, I like to think he actually did enjoy himself after all, so there you have it - Memories of today, forever etched in... err... some hard disk somewhere. Grins.

Happy birthday, buddy.