Going Once... Going Twice...

Ah hell. I don't think its ever gonna go away. In fact, I wonder if its ever possible for it to actually go away. I'm talking abt the whole thing I had with Grace. Grins. Nopes, it ain't a rant abt my ex again, like all 6,462,923,734 of my blog entries in the past. Its just something that came into my head when I was musing. That in my context, its almost impossible to run away. At one level, we share the same church, and thus a lot of friends. We share a common past of 4 yrs, thus inevitably developing some similar habits and even speech patterns. In fact, as I was reading through some stuff I penned from 1997 and 1998, before I got together with her, her name came up even then, because she was highlighted as a potential leader in the fellowship.

In a church setting we keep talking abt the grace of God. And so I can't even run away from the name. Its like there is absolutely no insulation against her name man. Hahaha... and last night I asked Syl what her reaction would be if I told her I liked her. No, I'm not interested in her. Just wanted to check out what me and Paul were talking abt that day, of how it would be quite impossible to get a girl to spend the rest of her life with me, given my current state of affairs, except for thsoe who's known me before I got into all this mess. And Syl's response was that she would never think its possible because of Grace. Ugh. Ah well. Wrong person to ask, I suppose. Then she ironically tried to encourage me by reminding me that His grace is sufficient for me. Hahahaha... I'm all for dramatic irony, but sometimes God can be just so hilarious.

Ah well. Mebbe its the weather. Its one of those days when I just don't seem to be able to kick into gear to study, and so am just musing to myself. One of those days when I'm actually emotionally pretty flat. Not feeling high, nor down, just not really feeling anything at all. The English language should have an equivalent for the word "Sian". Its so useful. So descriptive. So to-the-point. And so it is that I start a monday morning, a new week, wondering abt just what I'm gonna do after my exams. I actually dun feel like going overseas. Wanna just camp out somewhere in S'pore, and have some time to myself. Then again I wonder - why time to myself? Don't I have plenty of that already? Am I really so tired of being around people? I guess I am.

Somehow its always just so tiring when talking to people face-to-face. Its so much easier talking on the phone. There's actually very few pple whose company I enjoy. I count less than 15. Even in the tuanqi setting, as much I enjoy myself, its so tiring. Esp so when I assume the role of crowd pleaser. Everyone goes home happy, my ego takes gets a temporary boost, and when the adrenalin rush goes way, the feeling of absolute exhaustion sets in. Only to a few do I actually open up, and ask to be pleased by them. Grins. And mebbe if I can have but these few at my deathbed, it would be enough.

Alternatively, I shd just start being a bigger idiot, and go around expecting to be pleased. A bigger bastard, someone with an attitude problem, and stop being so nice to everyone around me. And I don't mean whining abt wanting attention. That's being a nice bastard. I mean being a real jackass, who goes around DEMANDING that people pander to his needs, and panders to his ego. Hehz... man, if I ever can stop being a wuss for one day, I might give that a try. I'm just afarid it might end up being more tiring than being a nice guy.

Grins.

Man, this blog is turning into my crap outlet. Help. I need to stop putting my stream of concisousnes into it, and start putting something with a bit more intelligence into it.