Once In A Blue Moon, I DO Write

People have been asking why I don't write as much anymore.

I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.

Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.

Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.

And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...

Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.

Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.

Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.

SIGH.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.

Maybe its just me.

Hehz...

Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.

As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.

Hehz...