Worship Leader Insecurities at 2am

As I sit here at 2 in the morning, having finally finished preparing for worship practice later, I realise that my choice of songs is inevitably influenced by my present mood…. When I’m in a state of confusion, or when I’m feeling rather lost, my choice of songs reflect a really poor flow of theme and music. Disorganized and all jumbled up, I very quickly forget my purpose for putting it there in the first place. Making up reasons becomes the instinctive next step, giving little thought to the flow as a whole. The process repeats itself at the next song, and the whole worship becomes a shamble.

Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…

And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.

I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.

Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.