Its Monday AGAIN...

2nd post in 2 days... those guys who complained that I dun write as much anymore are gonna regret they ever said so.

Hehz...

Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.

Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?

So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?

I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.

Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.

I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.

And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...

Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.

And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.

I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.

Hehz... Ah well.

I guess that's also part of learning.

Can't believe its back to work again.

SIGH.