一年到头

在“如果，爱”这部戏里面，有一首歌重复了四句话，说：“爱 – 没有。 恨 – 不来。抓 – 不住。摔 – 不掉。”

我想这就是无奈吧。一年到头，当我回顾我这一年所走过的路时，我想我会用“无奈”这两个字，来形容我的心情。

还记得今年我就差点去了澳洲读书。不过到最后，上帝还是有了他自己的安排，好叫我留在新加坡。经历了许多精彩难忘的时光，例如我姐姐的婚礼、一起跑了五个月的‘跑步小组’、在Reuters工作的经验、看见维秀终于交了个男朋友、去了Tanjong Puteri的第二堂崇拜退休会、去了Eagles Conference、看见Hurricane Katrina造成的损坏、以及世界上那么多的动荡。

周迅在戏中也唱了一首歌，第一句说“外面的世界很精彩”，而最后一句说“我离开，永远都不再回来”。我想，当我生命开始觉得很无奈时，心情也会就像歌里所表达的情绪一样。我想逃开，跑到另一个世界去。我告诉我自己外面的那个世界比较精彩，而我若离去了，就再也不要回来了。今年就差点去了澳洲，想逃避我心中一切的烦躁。不管是感情上、学业上、家庭里、朋友之间、或自己私下的烦恼，我都是多么渴望能够逃到国外去，给我自己一个新的开始。现在回头一望 – 觉得在某些事情上，去了国外或许会好过一点、好受一点。但是勇敢地去面对自己的烦恼，自己找出勇气去克服所该处理的事 – 那还是最好的解决方法。在今年的下半年里面，所发生过的一切好事，如果我的确逃到国外去，我想我就真的是错过了，太可惜了。

我想我该学习感恩。成长的过程当中，难免会有伤害，会有痛。会有失望，会感到疲累。就如黄国伦所写的，“困难算什么，痛苦算什么？在他们的背后是你祝福的手。孤单算什么，羞辱算什么？你的爱是那么深，你的恩典够我用。”

当我回去看我在年头所记录的第一个blog entry 里，我写的是我要学习感恩。而这份功课我想我可能一辈子也学不完。当我把我的集中力放在自己的身上时，那我就是什么事情都觉得很不如心所愿。但当我能够以他人着想、用他人的眼光去了解事情时，我发觉我就真正能够心中有平安，心里能够感恩。

明年将会是一个相当挑战我自己的一年。希望我能够在成功当中学习到知足，在失败中学习到较拖。

Looking For Eric

(The last time he actually contacted me was after the mere mention that I'm once again talking to Grace. Since then, I'm still unable to contact him about whether or not he's coming back for Christmas. So I'll have to resort to drastic measures.)

*Cough Cough*

Hmm... I'm thinking of getting back together with Grace. Its been so long now... I think this time round I can make it work out.

Grins.

Celebrating X'mas

Haven’t really been sleeping at all for a week. There’s just been so much running through my mind that I find my sleep to be short, disturbed, and hardly restful. With the sleep deprivation comes the inability to think properly, nor the capacity to take on what has come my way. So with the exception of just an unfortunate few to whom I rant and vent, I’ve spent the rest of my time closing myself off from pple.

I went to Lanlab just now for a game with Paul. Its been so long since my last time there, I didn’t even know they changed the registering format. But I was desperate to do something mindless… something that will distract me from my thoughts, and take my mind off it for a while. And I guess it worked, for a while. Yet I walked away from the LAN shop tonight knowing that its probably one of the last times I step in there. It just doesn’t seem to adequate anymore. I seem to have totally lost the passion. Just feel pretty numb.

I find myself asking what seems to have gone wrong. Why is it that my blog posts are littered with accounts of ruined relationships, and of ties that have soured, sometimes irreparably? Is it me? Am I just always just so unfortunate to be in the thick of it? Am I the one causing it? Am I the one who is somehow a drama-mama, drawn to the tension and the intensity of emotions? Am I so obsessed with the dark side of things that I never notice the good, but make such a meal out of the bad?

Or is it just all of us? Have we all somehow forgotten how to deal with people? Have we all lost the inability to love those around us? Have we all started demanding too much, raising expectations of each other to levels that make us run away? Given how love always seems to run contrary to logic, have we all become so used to thinking through our relationships, and lost the inability to just “sense-ably” feel our way through the murky waters of right and wrong?

I don’t know. I guess it’s a little of just about everything, and then more. And I find myself more and more doubting myself, my character and my ability to do what’s right over the past few days.

Of things that I suspected, but decided it was easier to shrug off. Of the many ways I am responsible for the relationships that have gone wrong. Of the ways in which I have hurt those I care for without doing it knowingly – then stupidly and tactlessly doing it again. Of the ones around me that I have again taken for granted, indulging instead in my own preoccupations. Of the things I used to take pride in myself, such as my ability to perceive and adjudge people/circumstances, which have turned out to be my Achilles heel. Of how even as I sit down to post, there is a part of me that still dares to feel sorry for myself.

I guess for many of the things I’ve done, I can but bring it before God again… begging him to put together again what I have ruined. After all, who else can I turn to?

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed
And stop believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble
And I'm sinking to my knees
But You… You cradle me

One thing that I want to do this Christmas…I want to celebrate the friendships that have lasted down the years, through my ups and downs, twists and turns… of people who have stuck by me through all that have happened. People whom I have known for so long now, who have had the misfortune of seeing my immaturity, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my worst habits and my stubbornness towards changing them. The very people whom I never thank God enough for.

Paul – I guess the years have not been kind to you or me. Yet somehow we’ve managed to still keep up with each other’s steps in life, and we’ve somehow managed to still squeeze each other into our schedules. I’ve come to count on you for your candid take on my life and my foibles, something which you seem always so ready to throw in my face. Grins. Thanks for everything, buddy.

Weixiu – No surprise that your name shd be the next to appear. Seldom does something happen that your name doesn’t come to my mind, to tell you of or to point out to. You’re one of the most cherished and loved sisters in my life, one who has the uncanny ability to make me feel as though you can somehow see right through me. Thanks for always listening, and for allowing me to pretend that I still know better than you in just about everything.

Weimin – you’ve been a curious bundle of headache and joy, doled out in equal portions. Your broodiness and mood swings are two things I always identified with you the most. Yet behind that mask you wear is one of the most tender hearts I have encountered, one that makes me willing to pay almost any price to have you keep it just the way it is. Thanks for always being open with me abt so many things. Don’t worry about how we sometimes seem to drift apart. I’m not going to let that happen. Grins.

Serene – Surprising that it took us so long to talk. Your quiet and selfless giving have come to be two things that I admire the most about you. The past few years of serving and sharing with you have come to deepen that appreciation of the many qualities that have surfaced along the way, such as your capacity to love at any cost to yourself, and your courage to face up to difficult circumstances all your life. Your friendship has come to be a most cherished one, which makes the distance between us now more painful than you’d think. Nevertheless, thank you for all the things you’ve taught me about strength of character… for your honesty and openness towards me, and for the trust you gave me.

Syl – you were one of the first I turned to in the aftermath of my breakup. Always willing to bear with my nonsense, and always ready to see the best in me… Thanks for everything. There’s so much more ahead of you that I see Him leading you towards… it will require much courage and determination for you, to face up to the lessons He’s teaching you, and challenging you. I’ll always be here, be it to pray, to be of help, to give support, or simply just to be there for you.

Mei – surprised to get a mention? Hehz… thanks for always being the one to organize our monthly meet-ups. You’re really one of the very few from NUS that I still meet up with. I’ve always enjoyed the banter we share, and next to the other Baptist in my life, one of the few outside my church circle that I open myself up to. I know I’ve been a sucky fren a lot of times, but thanks for still sticking around…

To Henry and Bernice, who probably will never read it… they’ve been such pillars in my life, esp with regards to just about everything... from service, to my spiritual walk, to even my own life. Its been such a joy to have them walking beside me in my life, two people whom I have so much to learn from, about God-centredness and gentleness. I can’t imagine what it would be like to ever lose their fellowship.

I guess I shall stop here. With a little luck and a lot of hope, I need to catch some sleep before work. I’m praying that I won’t wake up and forget to celebrate X’mas this year… celebrating the incredible friendships in my life that God has always been blessing me with.

Intentions

They say that the best of intentions are usually the least of accomplishments. I guess there is quite some wisdom found in those words, no matter how you choose to read them. Whether its talking abt your thoughts getting lost in translation, your actions being misunderstood, or how one seldom lets a thought develop into deed, the idea remains that one's thoughts and one's deeds are actually such different things. One hardly ever leads to the other.

Today I got to spend a little time with Joseph, from buying my PC till we went back Marbella to build it. And I guess if there's anything I can take away from him, it would actually be that drive of his to work at what he wants till he gets it. Ironic, that I should also have been reminded by Paul in his early X'mas card to me, that its about time I start asking myself what my dreams are. And that next year should be the year I start pursuing them.

Enough of chasing after fantasies of what will never be mine to possess, and enough of living other people's dreams and other peoples' lives. What really scares me is the fact that I don't really seem to have any dreams of my own. All this while I've been convinced that what will make me happy would be to make others happy. And that's always been my intention over the years... to make those around me, and those I care for, happy.

Yet the words of Sun Yanzi's song keeps haunting me.

我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞
被误解，被骗
是否成人的世界背后
总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭，让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚，好孤独

Ironic too, that today in the car, my sis also said how she's slowly no longer enjoying her job as much. I don't know anymore, if its because we're all slowly getting jaded. I don't know if its because we all are changing. I don't know if life's actually like that. I used to think that I am better off being the way I am. Now I begin to question if Joseph got it right after all. At the end of the day, he seems to have better shrugged off the many friendships that have all gone cold in the pursuit of his ambitions, than I have managed to shrug off my lack of accomplishments despite the number of friends I keep so close to my heart.

They say that all your worldly materials will one day show itself for its hollowness. What they forget to mention is that even your friendships and relationships can be just as hollow. There are days when you suddenly awaken to the devastating realization that you actually mean so little to some, and there are other days when you become painfully aware of how you can suddenly stop caring for someone you always thought you loved.

I guess in the absence of any concrete ambitions or dreams that I possess, I will keep on doing what I do. Yet there is also the fear of what will I turn out looking like, five years after I find my dreams and start pursuing them.

Falling For Time

Was watching Perhaps Love last night. One line stood out above all that was said or sung. It was after Jacky Cheung realized that his love affair with the female lead, his long-time girlfriend, was finally over. He stood up, and said “我们在一起久了。要的也多了。”

Something abt the way he said it, or the situation leading up to it… really caught me. A fren called me a few nights ago, talking abt how she felt very stifled by her bf, who keeps wanting more and more of her… not allowing her any space of her own. I just wondered abt how these things are so subtly progressive. We all start out in relationships being so polite and considerate. With minimum demands on the other, seeking to please and accommodate. In time, we start to more and more have demands on each other, expecting the other to think the way we do, share the same preferences as us… we wonder why we still don’t get each other, or develop the same passions for the same things… then we start wondering why we still dun understand each other after all this time… but we’re reluctant to let go of what we’ve clutched hold of for so long now already….

I watched Pride & Prejudice on mon, then Perhaps Love last night…. Two shows that both showcase a lot of very intense emotions, both buried under an exterior of composure. In one, social expectations forced the women to suppress their feelings, and their search for their own happiness. In the other, their feelings were always suppressed beneath a façade of independence and self-sufficiency, all in the name of how “the show must go on”.

What I really liked abt Pride & Prejudice was the fact that the couple who clung most fiercely to their romantic ideals, despite all opposition from both people and circumstances, were the most richly rewarded in the end. Jane and Bingley, despite their happily ever after as well, was hardly as satisfying as the one between Lizzie and Darcy. In fact, one comment I really liked said “Jane and Bingley exhibit to the reader true love unhampered by either pride or prejudice, though in their simple goodness, they also demonstrate that such a love is mildly dull.”

What I liked abt Perhaps Love was the ending… I don’t think I would have liked it if there had been a very clear cut ending. That would have been such a cop-out. In that sense, the English name for it, “Perhaps Love” actually serves as a better name than its actually Chinese name. In the show - Sun Na's affections, always torn between someone whom she still loves deeply despite her façade and her relationship with the man she spent such a long time with, who had built her up… The whole ambiguity of her feelings was so central to the story that if she had decided whom she was going to end up with by the end of the show, I would have really hated it.

Its been a gd week for me. Celebrated Syl’s birthday with the guys, watched two shows that really agreed with me (in the sense that it went down very well with me), and of course the fact that the laundry stopped being a concern of mine anymore. The only little dent in my week is the fact that my PC is down, barely operable…. As is my modem. So I have no internet connection at home… need to resort to checking all my mails in the office. Since my contract expires in 9 days, I need to take action. And soon.

Everyone’s been really sweet to me abt how I’m feeling towards the whole thing with Grace… I'm basking in the warmth of the attention. Grins. But I guess my bigger concern is for someone else, who obviously isn’t doing too well. Its always hard when dreams get shattered, and when we can only stand by helpless to watch the sandcastles we painstakingly put together washed out ruthlessly by the waves. And for those who care, its almost as painful to stand by helplessly, or to exercise the restraint to not interfere, and give the loved one time to be alone.

My profile says I’m a healer. But I’ve never once felt like one when talking to anyone who approached me. In fact, I always feel as helpless whether the person talks to me, or shuts off from me. But I guess one lesson I’ve always learnt again and again, marveling at the simplicity of its truth, is how we often forget the power of time.

How time really does change everything. How time reveals everything… from things we didn’t know, to things we didn’t want to admit about ourselves. How in time everything looks and feels so different from what it seemed back then. How time shows us how much we’ve grown, and how far we’ve come. How time heals all wounds (or, as someone once said… time reveals how God heals us…).

Its amazing, cos time is the one thing I hate the most when I'm in pain. I hate that it passes so slowly… that I can’t get out of it, that it forces me to live in and through the pain of what I'm going through. I can’t wait for it to pass quickly… trying to convince myself that the faster time passes by, the faster also, would I get over the pain.

Yet looking back, (at least for myself…) time is what I’m most grateful for, for the most obvious reasons.

Biding my time. One thing I’ve come to do. After falling in love with time. With what time can do. What it has done for me. How time is what will confirm my affections as either spurious or genuine… will affirm my convictions of what I always have clung on to as being right… that if I give anything time, it will be something that allows me to better trust my choice in the matter.

After all, that’s what Lizzie and Darcy did.

What Sun Na decided to do.

What I am doing.

My Pride and My Prejudices...

Just came home from watching Pride & Prejudice with Paul, then celebrating Syl’s birthday in the park with JL.

I am absolutely SMITTEN with the show. Everything, from the cinematography, to the script, to the delivery by the actors, to Keira Knightley, was absolutely gorgeous. The story is one that I knew, since I’ve more or less read the book before (tho I really can’t remember when. Possibly in primary sch, believe it or not.), but its still the same theme that always fascinates me… of the different relationships that end up developing… the different takes people have… from there mother who just wants to see the daughters married off, to the Lizzie, who fights off all expectations of her, to fall in love with the man whom even she herself never imagined falling for.

I’m such a sucker for these shows. But what really caught my eye was the magnificence of the scenery, the shots that captured each scene, and the skill of the director at arranging the shots. I guess this is one really easy vote for me, for Movie of the Year.

Grins.

Yes, I really really liked it.

Would probably watch it again, actually… if time permits. Muahahaha…

My parents are finally back, raving abt how fun Italy was. So I guess its pretty obvious they had fun. And THANK GOD I DUN NEED TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ANYMORE…

So THANK GOD for parents… hehz…

This week I spent most of the time thinking abt my stay in my sis and Joseph’s place. (I hate the fact that I have to type out J-O-S-E-P-H, cos someone decided to take up the shorter name of J-O… Muahahahahaha… *cough cough*) There was the very obvious fact that since I was a guest, I was a lot more careful to be clean and neat, since I didn’t want to impos, and be too big a pest. Also wanted to spare my sis the trouble of cleaning up after me. Her husband’s enough of a challenge already. Hehz…

But there was the part where I had to decide how much stuff I wanted to bring there. How much clothes, my shaver, my deodorant, my hair wax… And I had to tell myself I’m only there for a week… not to bring too much, cos I’ll have to lug it all back. Then after settling in, I had to remind myself not to get too comfy, since I’m not gonna be here long. So it didn’t take long for me to make the connection, and see how it translates into the perfect little sermon illustration of how I also need to remind myself not to be too eager to hoard after things in this life.

Having driven the car for the whole week, giving it up was a drag. Staying in the new condo, and seeing how done up it is, I have my moments when I wish the house back in Sembawang could be like that. Spending time some time working, drawing a salary exposed me to the joys of earning/spending power, and makes me dread the day when I stop work, and will have to forego the flexibility it affords me. So many little things here and there that are well and truly good in itself, that I have to remind myself isn’t as important as I make it out to be… Corie Ten Boom once said “I have learnt to grasp the things of this earth very gently, so that it doesn’t hurt when the Lord pries it out of my hand.”

Somehow, that line keeps coming back to me. Mebbe God knows of the struggles in my heart sometimes, to desire for these things. I have more than my fair share of days, that I spend musing abt the possibilities that would exist if I were rich… from convenience, to dreams of philanthropy, to how it would be so much easier for girls to see me as a good catch… I guess I’m just like a lotta guys out there, very much attracted to the joys that this world has to offer… And so the quote serves as a marvelous reminder to me. Its ok to own them, to have them. To have my own car, my own modern home, money to live in convenience and comfort… its well and truly fine. But I need to learn to grasp it very gently, so that I am always ready to let go when I have to.

Another thing that has bugged me this week was how the fact that re-opening my communication was Grace seems to have stirred up a real hornet’s nest. From fair warnings abt the contemplation of getting back with her or getting into trouble again, to many who have asked me abt the possibilities of getting together again… it seems that everyone’s finally able to ask the question they wanted to ask but always couldn’t.

So here’s my answer, to those who asked but weren’t convinced, and those who just haven’t asked, but are interested in knowing. (If you’re neither, you’ve come to the end of this blog entry. Grins.)

I still care for her. Nothing to deny abt that. And I don’t think anything can change that. Your affections, once given out, isn’t really something that you can just withdraw. However, the fact remains that if I had only known her today, I would not have gone down the path that I did back then, since she’s turned out to be so different from who she was at 15. Or perhaps I just didn’t really know her at 15. One’s feelings of love alone - believe it or not - cannot conquer all.

Andrew and I maintain a very fragile peace, or uneasy truce… however you would want to phrase it. Getting back with her would mean putting her in a very tough spot, always torn between the disdain between two people she greatly cares for. Not really something I would wish for her. Also, her choice of him as a mentor hints at the qualities she values, (and I don’t deny Andrew has several commendable traits) which are vastly different from the things that I value. It suggests two people with very different personalities. No wonder she keeps harping on how she doesn’t understand me. Therefore apart from the very romantic ideal that we could get back together again, based on the feelings we have, would really smack of nothing more than mere foolishness.

So we will just have to chart new ground, and learn to care for each other in a different way.

So to all you people out there who are wondering, there’s my final answer. And to all you worry warts out there besides Eric, you can all breathe a sigh of relief too. Grins.

I will just have to keep on waiting for the right girl to finally notice me, then to appreciate me.

Hehz….

Taking Stock...

I guess life has really been speeding past me the past year or so, and I’ve not had much opportunity to sit and think for a while. My bus trips home used to afford me the luxury of time to myself, where I get to shut off everything else around me, and think abt what’s going on inside of me, hearing my inner consciousness speak to me.

My parents being away means I get to drive around everyday lately. And ironic as it may seem, therefore, that even though it should logically translate to more time for myself, it has instead left me with even less time than ever before. I find myself more confident in scheduling things into my time, thinking of how much easier it is to run places and get things done. The vicious cycle means I also no longer have so much time to visit the park as before, which again translates into an even greater neglect of myself.

Yes, I think I’ve been neglecting myself.

And so I find myself strangely awake at 2 in the morning, more than a little lost with myself. Writing down the things that are coming into my head, ready to be posted on my blog in the office tmr. (I have no internet connection, currently boarding with my sis at the condo.)

A lot of thoughts are running through my head. My encounters with a few pple, where there are things I said to them, and some stuff were said to me. A very much loved friend has been quick to point out to me that she feels very much alienated from me, and more and more so lately. My ex has suddenly decided to call, and we had a conversation that was strange in that it bore the same familiarity and comfortableness from when we were together, that I wasn’t expecting – given our two years of silence from each other. Even creepier, since I think we ought to maintain a certain distance in our conversations now… Another asked me if I was alright, in that I seemed to have pulled back from people… a marvelous remark coming from a totally unexpected source, since I never thought we knew each other very well – yet he hit the nail right in the head, where many closer friends in my life did not pick up on.

With some friends, it was the silence that they bore with them, that spoke louder than anything else, of the struggles that are going on inside of them. From the superficial – like the trials and tribulations of exams and deadlines, to the more subtle yet probably more painful ordeal of personal pain and loss, or of letting go… it has also been a time for me to once again re-learn the lesson of grieving with those who grief, and to carry the burdens of those whom I love.

I guess part of the reason why I have become a little bit of an uncle agony in church has to do with how I seem to be drawn to pain. I’ve come to appreciate what pain can do to a person, if we allow it to work to our good. And I want to see and help those whom I care for, to be able to learn the lessons I’ve learnt, without having to bear as many of the scars as I. And so it seems that irregardless of the maturity by which I have handled those who came my way, I had something to offer that they appreciated – empathy and a little bit of an instinctive understanding of how they would like to be treated.


There’ve been a lot of talk of weddings going on around me. And I guess as much as I love weddings, it always leaves me feeling slightly melancholic.

Weddings leave me once again very much wishing I had someone beside me, to share these moments with. Eventful times in my life – where memories are built, stored up, and cherished, always makes me wish there was someone with whom I could have shared the memories with. Like my sister’s wedding, where I would have liked my future wife to have been around to witness… to even have helped me out in the preparations.

Then there’s the retreat at Changi, with the core team. Again, my personality test came out INFP. My profile is supposed to be a healer. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was just how many pple were shocked at the news that I am an introvert. Maybe that’s why nobody believes me when I say I have a phobia of talking to new friends, that I have to really steel myself to go up to them and initiate conversations. And why I actually have a much smaller pool of friends than people think.

I have a small pool of pple in my life whom I spend a lot of time with… and then the rest of the time I get by being friendly when in a crowd, then beating a hasty retreat before I have to engage anyone I’m not familiar with on a personal basis. To those few in my life, I invest myself pretty heavily in them. Maybe that’s why I place such a high premium on loyalty, and place such a fierce demand on my friends to trust me. And that’s probably also why those who know me well will realize I have days when I will sudden withdraw and become very distant… Those times when I just need to fade away and re-charge myself. I will of course show up if there is a need… but otherwise I would just suddenly cut myself off from everyone around me. I guess that was one thing that absolutely drove Grace nuts when we were together – how I would just suddenly detach myself from her, she would be left feeling like she doesn’t know me at all.

Hehz…

Ah well. Note to self: Must find someone who knows that about me, and doesn’t go berserk everytime I lock her out. Was considering the other day if I shd close down this blog. I seem to have run out of things to say. I mean, I am repeating myself way too often. It started off as a place for my verbal diarrhea, where I could indulge in my thoughts, and pour it out in private. Angry thoughts, depressive thoughts, bitter thoughts, longing thoughts… where I can rant at someone, and also just indulge in my crushes on someone else…

Yet now that I’m increasingly becoming aware of the extent of my silent readership, I’m wondering if its wise that I continue to express my opinions so freely here. Just in case I affect some with my personal opinions… or worse, I bitch abt someone whom I dunno reads this. Hehz…

But ah well. I guess at the end of the day, given how I keep being scolded for being such a stonewall in front of others, this provides a pretty convenient proxy for me to tell of myself… to both the readers who let me know they read this, and those silent ones who are keeping mum abt the fact that they have my blog address. (Voyeurs, one and all!!!!!! Grins.)

So to all you lucky readers out there, you can spend this X’mas basking in the good news that you will be able to carry on reading this delicious piece of trash every now and then, whenever I up date it – just once in a blue moon, of course.

=)