Intentions

They say that the best of intentions are usually the least of accomplishments. I guess there is quite some wisdom found in those words, no matter how you choose to read them. Whether its talking abt your thoughts getting lost in translation, your actions being misunderstood, or how one seldom lets a thought develop into deed, the idea remains that one's thoughts and one's deeds are actually such different things. One hardly ever leads to the other.

Today I got to spend a little time with Joseph, from buying my PC till we went back Marbella to build it. And I guess if there's anything I can take away from him, it would actually be that drive of his to work at what he wants till he gets it. Ironic, that I should also have been reminded by Paul in his early X'mas card to me, that its about time I start asking myself what my dreams are. And that next year should be the year I start pursuing them.

Enough of chasing after fantasies of what will never be mine to possess, and enough of living other people's dreams and other peoples' lives. What really scares me is the fact that I don't really seem to have any dreams of my own. All this while I've been convinced that what will make me happy would be to make others happy. And that's always been my intention over the years... to make those around me, and those I care for, happy.

Yet the words of Sun Yanzi's song keeps haunting me.

我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞
被误解，被骗
是否成人的世界背后
总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭，让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚，好孤独

Ironic too, that today in the car, my sis also said how she's slowly no longer enjoying her job as much. I don't know anymore, if its because we're all slowly getting jaded. I don't know if its because we all are changing. I don't know if life's actually like that. I used to think that I am better off being the way I am. Now I begin to question if Joseph got it right after all. At the end of the day, he seems to have better shrugged off the many friendships that have all gone cold in the pursuit of his ambitions, than I have managed to shrug off my lack of accomplishments despite the number of friends I keep so close to my heart.

They say that all your worldly materials will one day show itself for its hollowness. What they forget to mention is that even your friendships and relationships can be just as hollow. There are days when you suddenly awaken to the devastating realization that you actually mean so little to some, and there are other days when you become painfully aware of how you can suddenly stop caring for someone you always thought you loved.

I guess in the absence of any concrete ambitions or dreams that I possess, I will keep on doing what I do. Yet there is also the fear of what will I turn out looking like, five years after I find my dreams and start pursuing them.