"You see, I think you have forgotten what an unusual
situation you two have. To find somebody you actually love, and who’ll love you…
I mean, the chances are always… miniscule." - Notting Hill
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Pictures Always Say it Better
Monday, February 27, 2006
For You, Smudge
Man Utd 4-0 WiganThe scoreline didn’t really do justice to a scrappy match that United in fact did dominate. All in all it wasn’t a classic match. Pretty boring in fact, if not for the goals.
But I guess I really appreciated the whole game for the sentiments that it embodied. First of all for Ronaldo, who had vowed to play his best in remembrance of his father who passed away a couple of months ago. The raw emotions he displayed when he finally did score spoke volumes of how much it meant to him.
Even better was when the team all trooped off immediately after the match to the dressing room, and only emerged to celebrate moments later, all wearing t-shirts that said “For you, Smudge”, for Alan Smith who had broken his leg a fortnight ago. It was a really sweet gesture, and it indicated just how much the Yorkshireman was well-liked by everyone.
I had gone up to Wineflair at the start of the match, and was bewildered to find it almost empty. The reason soon became obvious enough, with a man soon going up to the stage who really would have been a joke if not for the fact that he really looked like a nice guy who just wasn’t good enough. He tinkered with the instruments on stage for a whole hour, but couldn’t play a single song. He either stopped halfway through a song, apologizing for wrong chords or else wrong pitch, otherwise he’d just forget the lyrics and let the song fizzle out. The ones who had stayed at Wineflair were nice enough to applaud his every effort tho. That’s nice, I guess.
But ah well. I’m just glad that Man Utd finally won something.
Grins.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Mark 8:34
Its been an exciting day all in all. So much so that even though I only slept 3 hrs the night before, I can’t sleep. Or mebbe it’s the 5 cups of coffee I’ve had.
Through a weird confluence of events, I ended up driving Simon’s car back from church to his place, and it was just abt the most nerve-wrecking experience ever. It’s a BMW, for goodness sake. I even had a send a common friend back in his car, all the way in unfamiliar-territory-for-me Serangoon. Thank God the car came back in good shape.
Grins.
Arsenal lost tonight, and is now behind Blackburn. So my comment abt a certain pathetic red club is again proven to be spot-on. Tonight’s the League Cup Final between Wigan and Man Utd. Tee hee. Can’t wait.
Anyway, today at DM, Weixiu invited a friend called Ivan down, to give us BS on the book of Mark. Mebbe cos the topic touches at the core of something that’s personally very relevant to me, but I started from being very lost at the start of the BS, to being perhaps just a tad too eager to push home my own point. He was talking abt dying to the self as being something very central to the gospel, since the crown jewel of the gospel is the Cross, whilst we all are called to die to self so we can follow Christ.
The topic veered off from there into a discussion of how much we sugar-coat Christianity to make it palatable to others. So we always emphasize the God who heals, who delivers, who saves, who blesses, who loves… etc. Seldom, if ever, do we hear messages that tells us being a Christian involves sufferings and hardships of all sorts. Somehow we don’t really need Jesus’ assurance anymore to “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.” Somehow we seem to have overcome the world on our own already.
I think since almost 2 yrs ago I’ve felt that we’ve been too eager to emphasize what’s beneficial to ourselves abt Christianity (salvation of our souls, fellowship of believers, a Tower of refuge, a Friend who’s always there), and we’ve very conveniently shunted out the many times the Bible says “In this life you will have tribulation”, or the times Jesus time and again reminded the disciples that “WHEN you are persecuted for My name’s sake…” We quote successful examples of Christians who’ve climbed really high on the social ladder and exhort them as role models of testimony for God, whilst neglecting the obvious fact that practically all of the characters in the bible went against the grain of the social hierarchical system to be a giant for Christ.
And so even as I feel that to turn around and trumpet suffering as the ultimate calling for a Christian might be throwing the baby out with the bath water, I think its safe to say that our tendencies make it very hard to overstate the case whenever we make suffering a key component of our Christian education. The understanding that we have many things to give up indeed, if we are to ever claim to be denying ourselves and following Him. The appreciation of the fact that Success and Prosperity theology goes against every grain of the biblical principle that we’re not called to hoard possessions on earth. The realization that ‘excellence’ and ‘efficiency’ are words that belongs in the corporate world – while ‘grace’ and ‘forbearance’ are the words that need to take centre stage in any ministry.
I could go on.
I realize that even I myself am not immune to these expectations. When my life started to unravel and fall apart I was like the man in “The Parable” of Larry Crabb’s “Shattered Dreams”. I started with a self-righteous faith in God that He really has a plan for me. Then the self-pitying appreciation of myself, for my decision to stick with God despite my circumstances. And finally, without realizing when or how it happened, it all turned into a bitter outburst at God for abandoning me to my fate.
Yet the journey back from such a road as this has helped me value these valleys in every person’s life. Because a in a sugar-coated gospel, you will only ever find yourself and your met expectations. But a walk in the valley is the only time you will ever meet with God.
For the moment now, at least, I understand a little bit more abt why Larry Crabb says God shatters all our dreams in order to give us His. That’s what Jesus meant when He told us to deny ourselves, take up His cross and follow Him. Our dreams lead to prosperity, good life and happiness. His dreams led Him to the cross, to pain and to suffering.
We need to trade our comfortable and even our very justifiable dreams for the symbol of a lost cause.
Talk abt becoming God’s own fool…
Through a weird confluence of events, I ended up driving Simon’s car back from church to his place, and it was just abt the most nerve-wrecking experience ever. It’s a BMW, for goodness sake. I even had a send a common friend back in his car, all the way in unfamiliar-territory-for-me Serangoon. Thank God the car came back in good shape.
Grins.
Arsenal lost tonight, and is now behind Blackburn. So my comment abt a certain pathetic red club is again proven to be spot-on. Tonight’s the League Cup Final between Wigan and Man Utd. Tee hee. Can’t wait.
Anyway, today at DM, Weixiu invited a friend called Ivan down, to give us BS on the book of Mark. Mebbe cos the topic touches at the core of something that’s personally very relevant to me, but I started from being very lost at the start of the BS, to being perhaps just a tad too eager to push home my own point. He was talking abt dying to the self as being something very central to the gospel, since the crown jewel of the gospel is the Cross, whilst we all are called to die to self so we can follow Christ.
The topic veered off from there into a discussion of how much we sugar-coat Christianity to make it palatable to others. So we always emphasize the God who heals, who delivers, who saves, who blesses, who loves… etc. Seldom, if ever, do we hear messages that tells us being a Christian involves sufferings and hardships of all sorts. Somehow we don’t really need Jesus’ assurance anymore to “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.” Somehow we seem to have overcome the world on our own already.
I think since almost 2 yrs ago I’ve felt that we’ve been too eager to emphasize what’s beneficial to ourselves abt Christianity (salvation of our souls, fellowship of believers, a Tower of refuge, a Friend who’s always there), and we’ve very conveniently shunted out the many times the Bible says “In this life you will have tribulation”, or the times Jesus time and again reminded the disciples that “WHEN you are persecuted for My name’s sake…” We quote successful examples of Christians who’ve climbed really high on the social ladder and exhort them as role models of testimony for God, whilst neglecting the obvious fact that practically all of the characters in the bible went against the grain of the social hierarchical system to be a giant for Christ.
And so even as I feel that to turn around and trumpet suffering as the ultimate calling for a Christian might be throwing the baby out with the bath water, I think its safe to say that our tendencies make it very hard to overstate the case whenever we make suffering a key component of our Christian education. The understanding that we have many things to give up indeed, if we are to ever claim to be denying ourselves and following Him. The appreciation of the fact that Success and Prosperity theology goes against every grain of the biblical principle that we’re not called to hoard possessions on earth. The realization that ‘excellence’ and ‘efficiency’ are words that belongs in the corporate world – while ‘grace’ and ‘forbearance’ are the words that need to take centre stage in any ministry.
I could go on.
I realize that even I myself am not immune to these expectations. When my life started to unravel and fall apart I was like the man in “The Parable” of Larry Crabb’s “Shattered Dreams”. I started with a self-righteous faith in God that He really has a plan for me. Then the self-pitying appreciation of myself, for my decision to stick with God despite my circumstances. And finally, without realizing when or how it happened, it all turned into a bitter outburst at God for abandoning me to my fate.
Yet the journey back from such a road as this has helped me value these valleys in every person’s life. Because a in a sugar-coated gospel, you will only ever find yourself and your met expectations. But a walk in the valley is the only time you will ever meet with God.
For the moment now, at least, I understand a little bit more abt why Larry Crabb says God shatters all our dreams in order to give us His. That’s what Jesus meant when He told us to deny ourselves, take up His cross and follow Him. Our dreams lead to prosperity, good life and happiness. His dreams led Him to the cross, to pain and to suffering.
We need to trade our comfortable and even our very justifiable dreams for the symbol of a lost cause.
Talk abt becoming God’s own fool…
Friday, February 24, 2006
This Really Takes The Cake
First of all, it was amazing how many pple called to ask how I'm doing after my last post. I'm bewildered, touched, overwhelmed and gratified. I'm doing well enough I guess. As long as I keep letting it out somewhere such as in this blog, I guess I'm holding up pretty well. Really. But thanks a bunch, pple. Appreciate it.
Secondly, I really really am serious abt the dog. I want to get a dog. Again, I emphasize big dog. Not a poodle. Big-ass dog.
Thirdly, the reason I'm blogging at this hr is because I'm giving up sleep. I just woke up from another series of dreams... the last one really needs to go top of my list of absurd dreams. I dreamt that I was in a game of DotA. As in, I'm inside. And I'm running from cover to cover and tree to tree, to hide from the war that's going on.
Trust me, I'm laughing at myself now even as I type this. But a moment ago it was a bloody scary experience. Imagine yourself inside a familiar forest with all kinds of weird creatures running all over, wrecking absolute devastation... coupled with the sense of bewilderment at why you're in that picture and also the panic that you won't be able to get out... It was a damned scary experience man.
I finished reading Paul's Norwegian Wood, and I begin to understand a little why he likes Murakami so much. He really is an enjoyable read. And of course, Norwegian Wood is easily Murakami's most popular book, which speaks for itself what an easy read it is. Nevertheless, it did provoke a lot of thought for me, with a couple of fresh perspectives to consider. Yeah, I enjoyed the book pretty much. Except that it really is yet another book I recently read that waxes at length on the theme of depression and suicide. I would seriously wonder how much did Murakami use The Bell Jar as a reference in writing this book, if he did at all.
Gonna go read my notes now. Hopefully sleep will be a little kinder to me after this.
Secondly, I really really am serious abt the dog. I want to get a dog. Again, I emphasize big dog. Not a poodle. Big-ass dog.
Thirdly, the reason I'm blogging at this hr is because I'm giving up sleep. I just woke up from another series of dreams... the last one really needs to go top of my list of absurd dreams. I dreamt that I was in a game of DotA. As in, I'm inside. And I'm running from cover to cover and tree to tree, to hide from the war that's going on.
Trust me, I'm laughing at myself now even as I type this. But a moment ago it was a bloody scary experience. Imagine yourself inside a familiar forest with all kinds of weird creatures running all over, wrecking absolute devastation... coupled with the sense of bewilderment at why you're in that picture and also the panic that you won't be able to get out... It was a damned scary experience man.
I finished reading Paul's Norwegian Wood, and I begin to understand a little why he likes Murakami so much. He really is an enjoyable read. And of course, Norwegian Wood is easily Murakami's most popular book, which speaks for itself what an easy read it is. Nevertheless, it did provoke a lot of thought for me, with a couple of fresh perspectives to consider. Yeah, I enjoyed the book pretty much. Except that it really is yet another book I recently read that waxes at length on the theme of depression and suicide. I would seriously wonder how much did Murakami use The Bell Jar as a reference in writing this book, if he did at all.
Gonna go read my notes now. Hopefully sleep will be a little kinder to me after this.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Lucid Moments
Its been a weird sort of day. I spent the whole day in a rather out-of-the-body experience, being more or less unable to muster much gusto in what I do. Perhaps its the lack of sleep, perhaps its just my mood swings. Perhaps its just my body still aching from the run on sunday... At night I decided to drive out to study, and settled on Plaza Sing. Managed 2 chapters there, then bumped into Gabriel's twinkle group. Erin got a new job so she was treating them to ice-cream. So naturally I had a share of the ice-cream too. Tee hee.
I then had dinner with Paul, then decided to drive down to Sembawang Park to sit by the waters. I felt I really needed to sit down somewhere quiet, and the air was a little still to be at the Thomson Park. Turned out to be a really great idea. There was a nice little breeze going on, with very gentle ripples on the water surface. There was a family some distance away from me, with a kid’s laughter every now and then drifting to where I sat. The sea and the rhythm of its waves always had a soothing effect on me, and I found that my usual very rapid and random thoughts slowed down a little, and I could think better.
Weixiu emailed me just now to say that she thinks my neurosis has gotten worse over the past few blog entries… and perhaps she’s right. Tho personally, I’d say its just that I’ve been a little more open on my blog abt the things that I put up with. I don’t think I’ve said anything recently, that had only lately come to mind. But I really have lately been a little bit more out of sorts than usual. So much so that I completely made a hash out of the worship on Sunday, when I went up there and didn’t know what I was saying. There was a point in time up there where I really didn’t even register what was coming out of my mouth, but the words came out almost subconsciously.
Thus the decision that I really needed to take time out to get myself together.
I sorted out a couple thing things in my head that I’ve been struggling with for some time…
You know how there are things that deep inside you know you need to let go of, but you keep struggling to rationalize why you should hang on to it, and then obstinately cling on to it against your inner conscience? There’s actually a whole series of steps to take… the first and most difficult step is to acknowledge that you know what you desperately want is actually fundamentally wrong despite all your inclinations. Once you get past the self-denial and can acknowledge that its wrong, there’s still a long way to go until you finally decide to stop rebelling against your conscience and plan to let go. Then there’s the long painful journey where you struggle against the decision you made to concede that its wrong and you shd let go. If you ever get this far, the next step is to start letting go a little at a time. You will let go of a little bit, get scared, and then go back to step one again… then the long painful process of retracing those steps all over again will commence, letting go of a little bit more each time. And hopefully, by the grace of God, you will perhaps one day find that you have conquered one of the demons in your life.
Just one.
Which leaves you with another 999 more to go.
They sure weren’t kidding when they said life is difficult… and painful.
And that’s probably why so many of us choose to just take the easy road and drown out our consciences by forcing ourselves to wallow in what we want, thereby convincing ourselves that since we feel so good, its probably the right decision anyway.
I’ve always had very little tolerance for people who live in denial of what I think is so painfully obvious. Like people in MLM who insist to me that its all about helping people, and never abt profit. Like church-goers who totally swear by the prosperity gospel and insist that God has told them He plans to make them rich. Like couples I know who held hands, spent every waking moment together and exchanged terms of endearment all the time yet still insisted that they’re just really good friends and not together. (I once had a champion who bamboozled me by saying "We haven't really broken up. We're just in the together-but-not-together phase." I mean, to me that sounded as good as saying "I'm in the I-love-God-and-I-love-breaking-His-laws phase". Read: ridiculous.) Like pastors and church leaders I encountered who insist that theirs was a well thought-through and well-informed executive decision when its plain they know nothing at all about what they’re saying, but is simply making a conclusion based on bias and preference. Like hypocrites I've befriended who talk a lot about how much they care and cherish their friends above themselves, but never seem to be able to spare any time at all when called upon to give of themselves. Heck, I hardly ever had any patience with many parents who always practice double standards, giving their children the line “I can do it and you can’t because I know better, and you don’t.”
Hehz… you get the picture…
But here tonight, I find myself in the same category as them. I too, have my own dreams, my own fantasies that I cling on to. Even though this year the more I pray abt it the more God has shown me the reality of the situation, I keep clinging on to it and insisting that I want it my way. I insist that if He’s God, He can make it happen my way. I cry out against Him, asking Him why would He want to ruin such a beautiful dream, esp when it doesn’t hurt anyone. I plead with him, arguing that I’m sure He would want to see me happy. I turn my back on Him, hoping that my petulance might exasperate Him into granting my wishes.
And of course, against all this… God stands like a rock against the tide – absolutely immovable, totally unmoved. And finally, this week, exhausted as I am about the whole struggle, I finally have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m wrong.
Grudgingly, unwillingly, and very ungraciously.
A very small step towards rehab, I suppose.
Of course, my reflections were interrupted by disturbing news that reached me at the park, but that’s another story for another day. My day’s work at the park was done, and I had at least reached a resolution for the struggles that I’ve had for a long time. At least for tonight, I can see things a lot more clearly now, of what I need to do, and how I shd get there. Tomorrow when I wake up, it’ll be a fresh struggle to maintain my resolution to not go back to the past, and repeat the same cycle that I’ve been treading.
I just thought I shd put it down here tonight to remind myself, after I wake up.
I then had dinner with Paul, then decided to drive down to Sembawang Park to sit by the waters. I felt I really needed to sit down somewhere quiet, and the air was a little still to be at the Thomson Park. Turned out to be a really great idea. There was a nice little breeze going on, with very gentle ripples on the water surface. There was a family some distance away from me, with a kid’s laughter every now and then drifting to where I sat. The sea and the rhythm of its waves always had a soothing effect on me, and I found that my usual very rapid and random thoughts slowed down a little, and I could think better.
Weixiu emailed me just now to say that she thinks my neurosis has gotten worse over the past few blog entries… and perhaps she’s right. Tho personally, I’d say its just that I’ve been a little more open on my blog abt the things that I put up with. I don’t think I’ve said anything recently, that had only lately come to mind. But I really have lately been a little bit more out of sorts than usual. So much so that I completely made a hash out of the worship on Sunday, when I went up there and didn’t know what I was saying. There was a point in time up there where I really didn’t even register what was coming out of my mouth, but the words came out almost subconsciously.
Thus the decision that I really needed to take time out to get myself together.
I sorted out a couple thing things in my head that I’ve been struggling with for some time…
You know how there are things that deep inside you know you need to let go of, but you keep struggling to rationalize why you should hang on to it, and then obstinately cling on to it against your inner conscience? There’s actually a whole series of steps to take… the first and most difficult step is to acknowledge that you know what you desperately want is actually fundamentally wrong despite all your inclinations. Once you get past the self-denial and can acknowledge that its wrong, there’s still a long way to go until you finally decide to stop rebelling against your conscience and plan to let go. Then there’s the long painful journey where you struggle against the decision you made to concede that its wrong and you shd let go. If you ever get this far, the next step is to start letting go a little at a time. You will let go of a little bit, get scared, and then go back to step one again… then the long painful process of retracing those steps all over again will commence, letting go of a little bit more each time. And hopefully, by the grace of God, you will perhaps one day find that you have conquered one of the demons in your life.
Just one.
Which leaves you with another 999 more to go.
They sure weren’t kidding when they said life is difficult… and painful.
And that’s probably why so many of us choose to just take the easy road and drown out our consciences by forcing ourselves to wallow in what we want, thereby convincing ourselves that since we feel so good, its probably the right decision anyway.
I’ve always had very little tolerance for people who live in denial of what I think is so painfully obvious. Like people in MLM who insist to me that its all about helping people, and never abt profit. Like church-goers who totally swear by the prosperity gospel and insist that God has told them He plans to make them rich. Like couples I know who held hands, spent every waking moment together and exchanged terms of endearment all the time yet still insisted that they’re just really good friends and not together. (I once had a champion who bamboozled me by saying "We haven't really broken up. We're just in the together-but-not-together phase." I mean, to me that sounded as good as saying "I'm in the I-love-God-and-I-love-breaking-His-laws phase". Read: ridiculous.) Like pastors and church leaders I encountered who insist that theirs was a well thought-through and well-informed executive decision when its plain they know nothing at all about what they’re saying, but is simply making a conclusion based on bias and preference. Like hypocrites I've befriended who talk a lot about how much they care and cherish their friends above themselves, but never seem to be able to spare any time at all when called upon to give of themselves. Heck, I hardly ever had any patience with many parents who always practice double standards, giving their children the line “I can do it and you can’t because I know better, and you don’t.”
Hehz… you get the picture…
But here tonight, I find myself in the same category as them. I too, have my own dreams, my own fantasies that I cling on to. Even though this year the more I pray abt it the more God has shown me the reality of the situation, I keep clinging on to it and insisting that I want it my way. I insist that if He’s God, He can make it happen my way. I cry out against Him, asking Him why would He want to ruin such a beautiful dream, esp when it doesn’t hurt anyone. I plead with him, arguing that I’m sure He would want to see me happy. I turn my back on Him, hoping that my petulance might exasperate Him into granting my wishes.
And of course, against all this… God stands like a rock against the tide – absolutely immovable, totally unmoved. And finally, this week, exhausted as I am about the whole struggle, I finally have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m wrong.
Grudgingly, unwillingly, and very ungraciously.
A very small step towards rehab, I suppose.
Of course, my reflections were interrupted by disturbing news that reached me at the park, but that’s another story for another day. My day’s work at the park was done, and I had at least reached a resolution for the struggles that I’ve had for a long time. At least for tonight, I can see things a lot more clearly now, of what I need to do, and how I shd get there. Tomorrow when I wake up, it’ll be a fresh struggle to maintain my resolution to not go back to the past, and repeat the same cycle that I’ve been treading.
I just thought I shd put it down here tonight to remind myself, after I wake up.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I Feel Fat
Woke up this morning realizing I sent a msg wrongly last night, asking someone else to wake me up. Quite an embarrassing way to wake up, actually. Hehz… Then went to wash up and had a rude shock – my whole lip was covered in dry blood. Apparently it had split in the middle of the night. Ran out of lip balm. Either that or I ended up chewing my lips because of all the nightmares I’ve been having.
Yes, I’m back to my disturbed sleep phase again. Hehz… I wake up every half an hr or so, based on how long each nightmare lasts. Thus I wake up groggy, I wake up with a slow reaction, and I wake up feeling like 80 yrs old.
My dreams?
Very wide-ranging… from worships in the chapel that screwed up big time, to ardent declarations of affections that end up with me being violently rejected, to enlisting in NS all over again, to me walking the halls of NUH and getting lost.
Yes, no correlations whatsoever, just very random situations that haunt my sleep. Of course, the classic one I keep having that keeps making me jump up awake is the one where I suddenly think I overslept for my exam already. I wake up and find that its still February, 0645 in the morning at that too.
Sigh. Mebbe I need therapy after all. I can think of a few. My Fiona coming to tell me she likes me, Man Utd winning the League and Carling Cup, getting straight As for my papers, winning a Mini Cooper in some competition, striking lottery big time, waking up to realize I’m actually really really smart… that kindda thing.
Hehz…
Weather in S’pore is now back to that unbearable state that leaves me aircon hunting all the time. Not exactly the most conducive environment to be mugging. Real Madrid last night lost to Arsenal, while Liverpool lost to Benfica. So the club everyone thought would win ends up losing, while the pathetic little red club actually trumps the big bullies from Spain. Life’s like that all the time, I guess. Gives me hope. I just keep plugging away, and my breaks will come sooner or later.
Yes, I’m back to my disturbed sleep phase again. Hehz… I wake up every half an hr or so, based on how long each nightmare lasts. Thus I wake up groggy, I wake up with a slow reaction, and I wake up feeling like 80 yrs old.
My dreams?
Very wide-ranging… from worships in the chapel that screwed up big time, to ardent declarations of affections that end up with me being violently rejected, to enlisting in NS all over again, to me walking the halls of NUH and getting lost.
Yes, no correlations whatsoever, just very random situations that haunt my sleep. Of course, the classic one I keep having that keeps making me jump up awake is the one where I suddenly think I overslept for my exam already. I wake up and find that its still February, 0645 in the morning at that too.
Sigh. Mebbe I need therapy after all. I can think of a few. My Fiona coming to tell me she likes me, Man Utd winning the League and Carling Cup, getting straight As for my papers, winning a Mini Cooper in some competition, striking lottery big time, waking up to realize I’m actually really really smart… that kindda thing.
Hehz…
Weather in S’pore is now back to that unbearable state that leaves me aircon hunting all the time. Not exactly the most conducive environment to be mugging. Real Madrid last night lost to Arsenal, while Liverpool lost to Benfica. So the club everyone thought would win ends up losing, while the pathetic little red club actually trumps the big bullies from Spain. Life’s like that all the time, I guess. Gives me hope. I just keep plugging away, and my breaks will come sooner or later.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Morning Reflections
This morning I took time out for QT and for some personal reflection. And I started asking myself what sort of person I am, and how consistent am I with what I believe. So I started looking to my values, and to what I always profess. Then I look at my actions, my lifestyle, and I start comparing it with what I had professed.
It wasn’t a good report card…
There really are some out there whom I believe to live a life of integrity, who don’t go out of the way to hide what they really are like, so that their thoughts, their words and their life all correspond accordingly. Bernice and Henry come to mind. So does Weixiu. And Anthony. All the rest of us tends to be pretty good with our façades, only letting in on the very best parts of our lives to others.
I always said before that one thing I hate the most is to have been lied to, and to have been cheated. If there’s one thing I find it very hard to forgive in a friend, it is to find out that they have been dishonest with me. By the same measure, friends who have showed themselves to have misrepresented themselves to me for their own benefit likewise causes me to lose a lot of my regard for them, and I find myself unable to look at them in the same light again. I’ve had occasions where long after I knew what was going on, some friends of mine kept denying the situation until it was impossible to deny it any longer. They then apologized, they tried to make it up… but on my part I had already let go of the friendship. We still talk, but I guess I no longer bother much with them anymore.
Next to that, I guess the one thing I really appreciate the best in friends is integrity. People who always can tell me how they feel. Even if their opinions are the direct contrast of mine, I value it for the sentiment of candor and openness that it conveys. It also reflects a person who isn’t out to please, but is able to be genuine and real to me, for who he/she really is. Some of the best moments of my friendships with people I got close to over the years have been built upon the basis of differing values.
Josh MacDowell once said that we all need to be careful of the things we abhor, because it is invariably because we see it in ourselves. We likewise usually value the things that we hope to cultivate in ourselves. And so I guess therein lies the clue to myself, and the kind of person I’ve been.
I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life. Never one to stamp my own opinion except pugnaciously, I’ve always been quick to give deference to what those around me actually think, and to suppress my own thoughts. It makes me to be a very easy-going friend, thus perpetuating the myth that I’m a person who readily makes friends. But such a way of relating to people tires me out. And perhaps what started out as courtesy on first acquaintance soon turns into insincerity and hypocrisy on subsequent associations.
So that’s something for me to work on myself for this year. It might be a little late for New Year resolutions, but I guess there’s no point making any back then, and no point in not making any now. Hehz…
Then I looked at the values I profess. I talk abt loving God... but He hardly ever gets a mention here. I talk abt how much I value my family, but I always let what I want take priority over my family member’s consideration. I talk abt honesty and openness amongst friends yet their common complaint of me is that I’m almost impossible to get to know cos I always close up. I talk abt serving in church yet until now the fact is I still don’t think I’m serving in a ministry where my primary gifting is in, but I’m too lazy to explore the alternatives.
I don’t know if anyone else out there suffers from these same sentiments or struggles as I do. I just know that this probably goes a long way to explaining why I always feel so lousy, so tired, and why I hate myself so much at times.
Honestly, I think I’ve tried.
What’s left now?
Try harder?
It wasn’t a good report card…
There really are some out there whom I believe to live a life of integrity, who don’t go out of the way to hide what they really are like, so that their thoughts, their words and their life all correspond accordingly. Bernice and Henry come to mind. So does Weixiu. And Anthony. All the rest of us tends to be pretty good with our façades, only letting in on the very best parts of our lives to others.
I always said before that one thing I hate the most is to have been lied to, and to have been cheated. If there’s one thing I find it very hard to forgive in a friend, it is to find out that they have been dishonest with me. By the same measure, friends who have showed themselves to have misrepresented themselves to me for their own benefit likewise causes me to lose a lot of my regard for them, and I find myself unable to look at them in the same light again. I’ve had occasions where long after I knew what was going on, some friends of mine kept denying the situation until it was impossible to deny it any longer. They then apologized, they tried to make it up… but on my part I had already let go of the friendship. We still talk, but I guess I no longer bother much with them anymore.
Next to that, I guess the one thing I really appreciate the best in friends is integrity. People who always can tell me how they feel. Even if their opinions are the direct contrast of mine, I value it for the sentiment of candor and openness that it conveys. It also reflects a person who isn’t out to please, but is able to be genuine and real to me, for who he/she really is. Some of the best moments of my friendships with people I got close to over the years have been built upon the basis of differing values.
Josh MacDowell once said that we all need to be careful of the things we abhor, because it is invariably because we see it in ourselves. We likewise usually value the things that we hope to cultivate in ourselves. And so I guess therein lies the clue to myself, and the kind of person I’ve been.
I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life. Never one to stamp my own opinion except pugnaciously, I’ve always been quick to give deference to what those around me actually think, and to suppress my own thoughts. It makes me to be a very easy-going friend, thus perpetuating the myth that I’m a person who readily makes friends. But such a way of relating to people tires me out. And perhaps what started out as courtesy on first acquaintance soon turns into insincerity and hypocrisy on subsequent associations.
So that’s something for me to work on myself for this year. It might be a little late for New Year resolutions, but I guess there’s no point making any back then, and no point in not making any now. Hehz…
Then I looked at the values I profess. I talk abt loving God... but He hardly ever gets a mention here. I talk abt how much I value my family, but I always let what I want take priority over my family member’s consideration. I talk abt honesty and openness amongst friends yet their common complaint of me is that I’m almost impossible to get to know cos I always close up. I talk abt serving in church yet until now the fact is I still don’t think I’m serving in a ministry where my primary gifting is in, but I’m too lazy to explore the alternatives.
I don’t know if anyone else out there suffers from these same sentiments or struggles as I do. I just know that this probably goes a long way to explaining why I always feel so lousy, so tired, and why I hate myself so much at times.
Honestly, I think I’ve tried.
What’s left now?
Try harder?
Friday, February 17, 2006
I Wonder...
Something about it really drew me to the song when I first heard "Because Of You". I guess when someone sings from a real experience, or wrote the song on a first-hand basis, its just that little bit more different.
I wonder how Kelly Clarkson's parents felt when they first learnt abt this song, and what inspired it. Too often in the family we take each other for granted, and indulge in our immediate passions. We only live to regret our acts years later, when its usually too late already.
(Yeah, my parents fought again.)
Sigh.
***************************
"Because Of You" was co-written by Clarkson, Ben Moody, and David Hodges, and produced by Moody and Hodges. The song is one of Clarkson's most personal as she originally wrote the lyrics when she was only sixteen years old to deal with her emotional pain at the time. Clarkson has stated that although she has grown to overcome her pain through God, she can still relate to the pain of "Because of You". This song has proved to be a world-wide hit.
Years later when she met Moody and Hodges, Clarkson asked if they could write songs with her. She asked them to help her polish "Because of You" for the Breakaway album, but said that she would understand if they disliked the song and wanted to write a new song with her. Instead, both Moody and Hodges were impressed with the song, and along with Clarkson, they polished it into its final form. In this emotional autobiographical anthem, Clarkson laments her troubled family life as she sings: "Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid. Because of you".
As she had with "Behind These Hazel Eyes", Clarkson wrote the video's treatment herself; it was directed by Vadim Perelman. The video is based on a true story of Clarkson's troubled childhood (due to the nature of the video, she asked her parents for permission before it was created). The young Clarkson is played by the seven year old daughter of band member Jason Halbert.
The video starts off one afternoon at the Clarkson household. There, Clarkson and her husband are engaged in a heated argument, and at one point he takes a picture of the family and threatens to smash it. However, he never gets the chance to, as time freezes still and her husband becomes immobile; Clarkson, however, is immune to this. Looking around the corners of her house, she sees a sight that suprises her: her younger self.
Hand in hand, the younger and older Clarkson relive Clarkson's troubled childhood as various painful memories are seen such as the younger Clarkson making a picture for her father to admire, which is then tossed into the sink, and Clarkson's mother making an unappreciated dinner for her father. These events drive her mother to the point of taking pills and crying publicly in front of the younger Clarkson.
The breaking point is finally seen when Clarkson's parents have a physical fight and throw objects at each other. Soon after, Clarkson's father packs his bags, as he is leaving the family; although the younger Clarkson tries to get him to stay, he pulls away. Filled with the memories of her past, the older Clarkson has seen enough and runs back in time to the present. There, time unfreezes and instead of fighting with her husband, they make up. Clarkson's own daughter can be seen walking around the corner.
I wonder how Kelly Clarkson's parents felt when they first learnt abt this song, and what inspired it. Too often in the family we take each other for granted, and indulge in our immediate passions. We only live to regret our acts years later, when its usually too late already.
(Yeah, my parents fought again.)
Sigh.
***************************
"Because Of You" was co-written by Clarkson, Ben Moody, and David Hodges, and produced by Moody and Hodges. The song is one of Clarkson's most personal as she originally wrote the lyrics when she was only sixteen years old to deal with her emotional pain at the time. Clarkson has stated that although she has grown to overcome her pain through God, she can still relate to the pain of "Because of You". This song has proved to be a world-wide hit.
Years later when she met Moody and Hodges, Clarkson asked if they could write songs with her. She asked them to help her polish "Because of You" for the Breakaway album, but said that she would understand if they disliked the song and wanted to write a new song with her. Instead, both Moody and Hodges were impressed with the song, and along with Clarkson, they polished it into its final form. In this emotional autobiographical anthem, Clarkson laments her troubled family life as she sings: "Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid. Because of you".
As she had with "Behind These Hazel Eyes", Clarkson wrote the video's treatment herself; it was directed by Vadim Perelman. The video is based on a true story of Clarkson's troubled childhood (due to the nature of the video, she asked her parents for permission before it was created). The young Clarkson is played by the seven year old daughter of band member Jason Halbert.
The video starts off one afternoon at the Clarkson household. There, Clarkson and her husband are engaged in a heated argument, and at one point he takes a picture of the family and threatens to smash it. However, he never gets the chance to, as time freezes still and her husband becomes immobile; Clarkson, however, is immune to this. Looking around the corners of her house, she sees a sight that suprises her: her younger self.
Hand in hand, the younger and older Clarkson relive Clarkson's troubled childhood as various painful memories are seen such as the younger Clarkson making a picture for her father to admire, which is then tossed into the sink, and Clarkson's mother making an unappreciated dinner for her father. These events drive her mother to the point of taking pills and crying publicly in front of the younger Clarkson.
The breaking point is finally seen when Clarkson's parents have a physical fight and throw objects at each other. Soon after, Clarkson's father packs his bags, as he is leaving the family; although the younger Clarkson tries to get him to stay, he pulls away. Filled with the memories of her past, the older Clarkson has seen enough and runs back in time to the present. There, time unfreezes and instead of fighting with her husband, they make up. Clarkson's own daughter can be seen walking around the corner.
A Clean Slate
Are there ever things that you never ever recover from? Whether it’s a hurt that ran too deep, painful realizations of an inevitability despite your hope, experiences of life that can never be blotted from your mind, the truth of how all your friends really see you, even the shame that you’ve caused or felt in the course of growing up?
Cos I think I’ve been feeling a little of everything over the past week. Small doses, just enough to remind me that its still around, that it has yet to, and in fact never, been banished from my life. I recall quoting Frodo Baggins before, something he said right at the end before he leaves the Shire for good, “There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”
This would have been a week summarized by these words. So that while everything’s more or less fine now, and I’m more or less coping (I’m actually feeling generally happier!!!), I’ve also finally come round to reconciling myself with the fact that things will never ever go back to the way it was. And maybe like Frodo, its time for me to leave the Shire. Because the one place that I always desire to go back to will always be the one place I need to get away from to exorcise my demons.
Its times like this where I wish I had taken up the offer to Monash.
Maybe before I can have a new life again, I really need to die to my old one. Old frens, familiar places, habitual routines… A clean break for a clean slate.
I’d give anything now for $300K and a place in an overseas university.
Cos I think I’ve been feeling a little of everything over the past week. Small doses, just enough to remind me that its still around, that it has yet to, and in fact never, been banished from my life. I recall quoting Frodo Baggins before, something he said right at the end before he leaves the Shire for good, “There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”
This would have been a week summarized by these words. So that while everything’s more or less fine now, and I’m more or less coping (I’m actually feeling generally happier!!!), I’ve also finally come round to reconciling myself with the fact that things will never ever go back to the way it was. And maybe like Frodo, its time for me to leave the Shire. Because the one place that I always desire to go back to will always be the one place I need to get away from to exorcise my demons.
Its times like this where I wish I had taken up the offer to Monash.
Maybe before I can have a new life again, I really need to die to my old one. Old frens, familiar places, habitual routines… A clean break for a clean slate.
I’d give anything now for $300K and a place in an overseas university.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Sleepless In Singapore
Someone today told me she was asked by a very old friend of hers to be his girlfriend. She kindda freaked out. Hehz… The setting was great… great music, great atmosphere, just the two of them, Valentines’ Day… somehow she had no idea that romance was on his mind… she genuinely thought he was just a very old friend of hers, asking her out for a drink.
I couldn’t help but have this chill run down my spine when I read her sms. Cos that guy’s mistake… could have been mine. Somehow, girls never seem to get it when the guy they’re not interested in is actually crazy over them. God knows I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to Grace. Grins. Hell, I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to so many girls, to actually start thinking guys really shd just leave it to the girls to profess their interest.
Guys, listen up – until you have received word from one of her close friends or otherwise, that she is likewise keen on you, DON’T even THINK abt venturing there man. You set yourself up for just abt the most awkward end of a great friendship.
The Guru has spoken.
Grins.
**************
Anyway, I was driving home tonight when I suddenly nearly crashed the car cos I was so stupid as to look up. Yes, I looked up. And I saw the really really round moon, looking very very big all of a sudden. And I was kindda caught up in it, and my car started veering off the lane. The car on my right started honking me, which was what brought me back to my attention.
Hehz…
So much for not being a P-plate driver anymore…
***************
So many people have told me what a pity it was that I missed Corrine May’s concert. Darn. I wanted to go so badly. Stupid CNY. Stupid Monday Night classes.
Sigh.
**************
I finished "Pride & Prejudice". Finally.
**************
Yes, I can’t sleep. Dreamt last night of my dog… wasn’t a nice dream… dreamt that he was fighting with 6 other dogs, and I had to try to break up the fight. Then the dream shifted and I was walking around my neighborhood, riding my bike. Haven’t done that since I was 14… Then before I woke up, I dreamt I was I was just taking a walk around a private estate neighborhood, and talking to someone. Someone familiar. But I just can’t make out the person’s face.
Yes, right there and then my alarm clock rang and had to be up. Had a long day ahead of me.
Perhaps I overdid the coffee part.
Really can’t sleep.
Supposed to be studying in NUS tmr.
Dammit.
I couldn’t help but have this chill run down my spine when I read her sms. Cos that guy’s mistake… could have been mine. Somehow, girls never seem to get it when the guy they’re not interested in is actually crazy over them. God knows I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to Grace. Grins. Hell, I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to so many girls, to actually start thinking guys really shd just leave it to the girls to profess their interest.
Guys, listen up – until you have received word from one of her close friends or otherwise, that she is likewise keen on you, DON’T even THINK abt venturing there man. You set yourself up for just abt the most awkward end of a great friendship.
The Guru has spoken.
Grins.
**************
Anyway, I was driving home tonight when I suddenly nearly crashed the car cos I was so stupid as to look up. Yes, I looked up. And I saw the really really round moon, looking very very big all of a sudden. And I was kindda caught up in it, and my car started veering off the lane. The car on my right started honking me, which was what brought me back to my attention.
Hehz…
So much for not being a P-plate driver anymore…
***************
So many people have told me what a pity it was that I missed Corrine May’s concert. Darn. I wanted to go so badly. Stupid CNY. Stupid Monday Night classes.
Sigh.
**************
I finished "Pride & Prejudice". Finally.
**************
Yes, I can’t sleep. Dreamt last night of my dog… wasn’t a nice dream… dreamt that he was fighting with 6 other dogs, and I had to try to break up the fight. Then the dream shifted and I was walking around my neighborhood, riding my bike. Haven’t done that since I was 14… Then before I woke up, I dreamt I was I was just taking a walk around a private estate neighborhood, and talking to someone. Someone familiar. But I just can’t make out the person’s face.
Yes, right there and then my alarm clock rang and had to be up. Had a long day ahead of me.
Perhaps I overdid the coffee part.
Really can’t sleep.
Supposed to be studying in NUS tmr.
Dammit.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Post-Valentines Resolution
So the day has come and gone.
Valentine’s Day, some call it. Friendship Day also, we used to in JC, when we needed to mask our reasons for giving the girl next door a rose. Fellowship Day, as I coined it just now over drinks with some guys in the worship ministry.
Well, contrary to my pessimism, the day actually DID turn out pretty well. The non-rain actually turned out to be a blessing, cos I got to enjoy a very cool evening beside the river, at One Fullerton.
I’ve recently been the subject of some unwanted attention. (Its always the inappropriate ones who seem to have a thing for me. Sigh.) And I guess God couldn’t have picked a better time to remind me of how unwanted attention can cause quite a lot of awkwardness, and how ultimately how hopeless it really is, despite the natural optimism that comes when one harbors a hope.
So… I guess with V-Day come and gone, with no sign that my romance will be encouraged or flower, I shall be true to the promise I made myself, and do things differently.
Guys who read this – I guess for my birthday or anytime sooner when you wanna get me a present, I really really really want a dog. A real dog. Not one of them poodle things you could kill by accidentally stepping on them. A Retriever, a Labrador, an Alsatian… that sort of dogs.
Yeah.
I guess for want of a real companion, what has always been known as Man’s Best Friend can’t really be too bad eh?
Grins.
Anyone?
Valentine’s Day, some call it. Friendship Day also, we used to in JC, when we needed to mask our reasons for giving the girl next door a rose. Fellowship Day, as I coined it just now over drinks with some guys in the worship ministry.
Well, contrary to my pessimism, the day actually DID turn out pretty well. The non-rain actually turned out to be a blessing, cos I got to enjoy a very cool evening beside the river, at One Fullerton.
I’ve recently been the subject of some unwanted attention. (Its always the inappropriate ones who seem to have a thing for me. Sigh.) And I guess God couldn’t have picked a better time to remind me of how unwanted attention can cause quite a lot of awkwardness, and how ultimately how hopeless it really is, despite the natural optimism that comes when one harbors a hope.
So… I guess with V-Day come and gone, with no sign that my romance will be encouraged or flower, I shall be true to the promise I made myself, and do things differently.
Guys who read this – I guess for my birthday or anytime sooner when you wanna get me a present, I really really really want a dog. A real dog. Not one of them poodle things you could kill by accidentally stepping on them. A Retriever, a Labrador, an Alsatian… that sort of dogs.
Yeah.
I guess for want of a real companion, what has always been known as Man’s Best Friend can’t really be too bad eh?
Grins.
Anyone?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day...
And so its finally here.
I doubt amongst those who read my blog, there would be many who would believe it if I didn’t post anything on Valentines’ Day. Yet such was indeed my inclination until 15 mins ago.
Happy Valentines’, one and all… This marks my third Valentines’ Day as a single. As I was telling Weimin just now, it’s a day that I’ve come to dread. Everywhere I turn on the streets, every way I look on the bus or in the train, I see couples holding hands, standing beside someone whom they call their own. All this while I stand alone, the only thing my hand is holding being my book. Hehz…
It’s a pretty forlorn sight.
Ah well.
As Richard Fish is so fond of saying… Bygones.
My dear boyfriend will be having steamboat with his soon-to-be-gf ex-gf. Yes, read that again. His soon-to-be-girlfriend ex-girlfriend. Grins. (I love that little turn of phrase, I dunno why.) Gabriel is trying to organize a group date that I absolutely dread, which I might turn up for if only to save him from letting it end up as a date with him and CF. Hehz…
My own ideal way of spending Valentines’ tmr? If only it’ll rain… Then I would go down to the Esplanade library, and sit down at the window seats to read my book, or just to watch the rain. I am optimistic that there are very few who would spend tmr in the library, unless there are really a lot of lonely hearts out there like me who choose to pretend that they actually believe they prefer their books more than love and companionship.
The only way for tmr to turn out well beyond my expectations would be if it rained heavily. Tho that would actually be a pretty selfish wish, since it means spoiling the plans of many a happy couple out there. Alternatively, if my Fiona actually calls me and asks me out… that would be ecstasy.
Failing which, I guess I’ll settle for the vicarious indulgence of Elizabeth Bennet’s love, and finish the darned book once and for all. God knows I’ve dallied over it long enough. It’s a short enough book to be an easy read. Yet as much as I delight in it, I somehow just never seem to come round to completing it.
Ah well.
Happy Valentines’, one and all… For those with a date, have a great one!!! The rest out there like me… well, the ironic truth is that you’re not alone.
Grins.
I doubt amongst those who read my blog, there would be many who would believe it if I didn’t post anything on Valentines’ Day. Yet such was indeed my inclination until 15 mins ago.
Happy Valentines’, one and all… This marks my third Valentines’ Day as a single. As I was telling Weimin just now, it’s a day that I’ve come to dread. Everywhere I turn on the streets, every way I look on the bus or in the train, I see couples holding hands, standing beside someone whom they call their own. All this while I stand alone, the only thing my hand is holding being my book. Hehz…
It’s a pretty forlorn sight.
Ah well.
As Richard Fish is so fond of saying… Bygones.
My dear boyfriend will be having steamboat with his soon-to-be-gf ex-gf. Yes, read that again. His soon-to-be-girlfriend ex-girlfriend. Grins. (I love that little turn of phrase, I dunno why.) Gabriel is trying to organize a group date that I absolutely dread, which I might turn up for if only to save him from letting it end up as a date with him and CF. Hehz…
My own ideal way of spending Valentines’ tmr? If only it’ll rain… Then I would go down to the Esplanade library, and sit down at the window seats to read my book, or just to watch the rain. I am optimistic that there are very few who would spend tmr in the library, unless there are really a lot of lonely hearts out there like me who choose to pretend that they actually believe they prefer their books more than love and companionship.
The only way for tmr to turn out well beyond my expectations would be if it rained heavily. Tho that would actually be a pretty selfish wish, since it means spoiling the plans of many a happy couple out there. Alternatively, if my Fiona actually calls me and asks me out… that would be ecstasy.
Failing which, I guess I’ll settle for the vicarious indulgence of Elizabeth Bennet’s love, and finish the darned book once and for all. God knows I’ve dallied over it long enough. It’s a short enough book to be an easy read. Yet as much as I delight in it, I somehow just never seem to come round to completing it.
Ah well.
Happy Valentines’, one and all… For those with a date, have a great one!!! The rest out there like me… well, the ironic truth is that you’re not alone.
Grins.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
My Fickle Life
“Its that time of the year again, when love and
courtship is in the air. When large amounts of money are spent to win hearts and
minds. When suitors try to win the hand of their lady fair, and sometimes,
relationships are tested, as upstarts try to win over someone already
attached.
Yes, I am talking about the elections.”- Mr Brown
Hehz… it kindda cracked me up reading this. I seldom pay any attention to Mr Brown, but just chanced upon this piece he was writing.
Well, the 15 days of Chinese New Year are finally over. At least, today marks the last day. Ironically, the 15th is also traditionally known as the Lunar Valentines’ Day.
I spent the afternoon at a wedding in church camped behind the sanctuary where the organ is, catching up with Jing Jing. For those who are wondering what’s going on – We ended up there only because she was the organist. It wasn’t anything illicit. Hehz…
I think I have a pretty remarkable friendship with her, which is probably closest to the kind of relationship that I have with my sister. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and although I can hardly ever remember asking her out for drinks to catch up, nor long conversations over the phone (ever), somehow we’ve always felt like we were very close, and that we could understand each other. So even though I don’t have a clue about almost every aspect of her life in details, (I don’t even remember her brother’s name) our conversations always flowed, and we never seem to run out of things to talk about. Catching up on each other’s life is pretty easy, and she’s probably the only one I’d have no qualms abt confessing a crush I have on someone else to. I guess with old friends you catch up with only once or twice a year, you can afford to be candid with little or no consequence to your life.
Hehz… Everyone shd have such a friend or two. So convenient.
Grins.
Its been a really really great end to the week. Daoxing called me with some really great news, and it was the first time he sounded so happy in a long long time. Had a good time with Jing, then enjoyed worship prac with Yibin who’s playing for us now once a month. Working with such accomplished musicians is always such a torture, given how inadequate and therefore pressured I feel. But at the same time, it gives me a very steep learning curve. After that the worship team (more or less) hung around for dinner. The only blip was when I again missed the closing time for a haircut by 15 mins. After that I had a good session catching up with Serene. Then I came home to read the news that MIDDLESBOROUGH BEAT CHELSEA 3-0. Way to go Boro!!!!!!!!
The euphoria of a rare day where I actually enjoyed it so much still lingers, and somehow makes the melancholia of the early hours of the morning somewhat less. I don’t think I’ve felt this good throughout the whole CNY period as I do now. Hehz… what with news that the laptop and keyboard that we assumed to be stolen having both been found, the week that started in such bleak fashion has slowly unfurled into a good one.
People keep asking me what I want to do with my life. And when I say I don’t know, they ask me what is the one thing that I really like doing, and have a passion for.
Well, I like meeting up, catching up with people. I like being able to help people. I like being involved in people’s lives. If anyone knows how to turn this into a professional career that makes good money, pls don’t hesitate to call and tell me. There are times when I think that’s like saying “I like eating ice-cream and chocolates. If anyone knows how to turn this into a professional career that makes good money, pls don’t hesitate to call and tell me.” Then I’m reminded that so many people out there actually like to keep to themselves, and really can’t be bothered to keep up and keep in touch with people. There’re too many stories of friendships that have slowly grown cold and distant through neglect to prove me right already. So perhaps its something that really does take more effort than it seems on the outside, and it does take a legitimate passion to do so.
I just haven’t figured out a way to turn it into a proper form of living yet.
Hehz…
Ideas, anyone?
I found this song by accident on a website. And it really started to grow on me. So in commemoration of the Lunar Valentines’ Day, and the actual Valentines’ Day that’s in two days time, this song goes all to all those out there who join me in sharing the same sentiments.
Cheers!
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Going Back Ten Years
I’ve just attended my JC class gathering. We’ve known each other for 10 years now. The attendance was surprisingly good… for a class of 18, we had 12 who showed up. Hanson and Yen Li haved ROM-ed… Revathi is now married… Jelaine is getting married end of this year, Daphne may be doing so next year, and Vanda is also getting married soon. Plus… Jean is finally attached (!!!!), and we got to meet the boyfriend tonight. Grins. Man… its amazing to think how everyone has already moved on so much… and even more amazing to find that we can still keep together as a class.
I remember showing up for this gathering with some dread, just wondering what else is there to say to each other after so long. After all, we’ve all been living such separate lives all this while save for a few, and over the past few years we seem to have distanced ourselves quite a bit. I only agreed to turn up cos it marks the 10th year that we’ve all known each other.
I keep my class picture on my table, under the glass. To think that its ten years already!! Funny thing is… looking at the picture… we all really haven’t changed a bit. Not in the least. If we put on our uniforms again, we’d look exactly the same as before.
Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised at how easily conversation flowed. The banter kept going, and we were pretty much able to catch up with what each other is doing. Perhaps there is a kind of familiarity amongst close friends that make it easy to catch up after so many years of losing touch. I remember we were such a tight bunch back in JC 10 years ago. So much so that even though I was just about the most active in church back then as I ever was, I still considered myself a lot closer to my class than to tuanqi. There was a sense of looking out for each other in the class that never was around in tuanqi. And I guess it was there that I first understood what a close community can do to each individual, and was something that I tried to bring into my own circle of friends wherever I go.
So there we were, sitting around the table, eating more than was good for any of us, and asking each other everything from jobs to partners, to rumours we heard of each other, and laughing at each other as we reminisced abt the past. This was the first gathering we’ve planned in a long time already. Each time we met up previously, it was always for a funeral. For a while it was really scary, as our parents and grandparents seemed to be dropping like flies. (And maybe that’s why we were more at ease this time round. Somehow I never knew whether or not to just keep quite and keep funeral visitations short, so as not to seem as if we’re behaving inappropriately when we start laughing.)
I think friendship can be such a curious thing. The closest friends can grow so distant at a moments’ notice, either through neglect of each other, or after a falling out. Two strangers can become best of friends after a shared experience or encounter. Two people who looked like they could be best of friends might lost touch within a few years, while other friendships which looked so unlikely are still going strong decades later. Nobody really knows how it works, and despite our best of intentions and promises to keep a friend, they draw distant after a while. Some friends we intended to slowly allow to drift away, yet they ended up being here to stay.
I remember back in JC, we used to celebrate Valentines’ Day by calling it “Friendship Day”. Ironic that as I’m using this blog to countdown to V-Day, I shd suddenly be reverting back to celebrating friendship, and what it means to me. Friends are so important to me. I’m definitely not the sort who could just be alone and content. Some time not too long ago I was feeling really lousy, and tried to ask some people out. Turns out nobody had time, and I was thinking to myself how these are the moments when I wish I had someone in my life whom I had a ‘claim’ over, that someone whom I could impose on because I needed someone to talk to. I went home and told myself maybe that’s why I’ll always be alone. Because I had such a person in Grace, but we never really could talk. And whenever I become close friends with someone I can talk to, I don’t dare to risk the friendship by trying to turn it into something else.
But ah well.
At least for tonight, I started it by dreading the meet-up, and ended it by being really glad I showed up. And perhaps that sums up how unpredictable friendships can be. And also how much it needs to be cherished when one possesses it.
I remember we were sitting around, playing and singing this song one night after we left SAJC, and it struck me that the line “And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives. Where we're gonna be when we turn 25”, and how it used to be something we looked at as a future that wouldn’t happen for a long long time… and now its something we look back on, having passed the 25 yr mark some time back.
Sigh.
So tonight… just for old times’ sake… I’m putting this song up.
Grins.
I really think the best years of my life were the 2 years in SAJC.
I remember showing up for this gathering with some dread, just wondering what else is there to say to each other after so long. After all, we’ve all been living such separate lives all this while save for a few, and over the past few years we seem to have distanced ourselves quite a bit. I only agreed to turn up cos it marks the 10th year that we’ve all known each other.
I keep my class picture on my table, under the glass. To think that its ten years already!! Funny thing is… looking at the picture… we all really haven’t changed a bit. Not in the least. If we put on our uniforms again, we’d look exactly the same as before.
Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised at how easily conversation flowed. The banter kept going, and we were pretty much able to catch up with what each other is doing. Perhaps there is a kind of familiarity amongst close friends that make it easy to catch up after so many years of losing touch. I remember we were such a tight bunch back in JC 10 years ago. So much so that even though I was just about the most active in church back then as I ever was, I still considered myself a lot closer to my class than to tuanqi. There was a sense of looking out for each other in the class that never was around in tuanqi. And I guess it was there that I first understood what a close community can do to each individual, and was something that I tried to bring into my own circle of friends wherever I go.
So there we were, sitting around the table, eating more than was good for any of us, and asking each other everything from jobs to partners, to rumours we heard of each other, and laughing at each other as we reminisced abt the past. This was the first gathering we’ve planned in a long time already. Each time we met up previously, it was always for a funeral. For a while it was really scary, as our parents and grandparents seemed to be dropping like flies. (And maybe that’s why we were more at ease this time round. Somehow I never knew whether or not to just keep quite and keep funeral visitations short, so as not to seem as if we’re behaving inappropriately when we start laughing.)
I think friendship can be such a curious thing. The closest friends can grow so distant at a moments’ notice, either through neglect of each other, or after a falling out. Two strangers can become best of friends after a shared experience or encounter. Two people who looked like they could be best of friends might lost touch within a few years, while other friendships which looked so unlikely are still going strong decades later. Nobody really knows how it works, and despite our best of intentions and promises to keep a friend, they draw distant after a while. Some friends we intended to slowly allow to drift away, yet they ended up being here to stay.
I remember back in JC, we used to celebrate Valentines’ Day by calling it “Friendship Day”. Ironic that as I’m using this blog to countdown to V-Day, I shd suddenly be reverting back to celebrating friendship, and what it means to me. Friends are so important to me. I’m definitely not the sort who could just be alone and content. Some time not too long ago I was feeling really lousy, and tried to ask some people out. Turns out nobody had time, and I was thinking to myself how these are the moments when I wish I had someone in my life whom I had a ‘claim’ over, that someone whom I could impose on because I needed someone to talk to. I went home and told myself maybe that’s why I’ll always be alone. Because I had such a person in Grace, but we never really could talk. And whenever I become close friends with someone I can talk to, I don’t dare to risk the friendship by trying to turn it into something else.
But ah well.
At least for tonight, I started it by dreading the meet-up, and ended it by being really glad I showed up. And perhaps that sums up how unpredictable friendships can be. And also how much it needs to be cherished when one possesses it.
I remember we were sitting around, playing and singing this song one night after we left SAJC, and it struck me that the line “And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives. Where we're gonna be when we turn 25”, and how it used to be something we looked at as a future that wouldn’t happen for a long long time… and now its something we look back on, having passed the 25 yr mark some time back.
Sigh.
So tonight… just for old times’ sake… I’m putting this song up.
Grins.
I really think the best years of my life were the 2 years in SAJC.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The Truman Blog
I just learnt today that Der Biao actually links my blog to his. That could go some way to explain why people I never expected to even know I have a blog have actually been visiting it. Heck, I didn’t even know he has it.
Not that I’m mad at him, after all the damage was done a long time ago… but wasn’t there a time when people would ask before they read something of yours that they didn’t give you themselves? If you found a notebook of mine, I’d say common courtesy would prompt you to not read what’s inside without my permission. Am I missing a point here, or does the fact that it’s the internet indicate that its automatically public domain, and therefore a place devoid of any sense of good manners?
But ah well. That’s all water under the bridge I guess. People are free and welcome to read from here, when they really have nothing better to do with their time. I only mentioned it here, because it suddenly hit me that this must be how Truman felt, not realizing that his thoughts, his secrets and his life, that were originally intended to be shared by only a close circle, have actually always been paraded around in the public, for one and all to peruse.
Must have been a shocker.
The last few days have been an over-saturation of studying. I guess I’m a little paranoid all of a sudden, that I’m really not going to make the cut. These are days when I really wish I had never been born at all.
Had dinner with Paul today, and we were talking abt relationships. I raised the topic, actually. About how I don’t believe in entering relationships and living for the moment. I always like to look at it from the long-term prospective right from the start. And I think I’m right to do that. He told me that’s probably why I’m finding it almost impossible to find another girl, because I never live for the moment, but is always somewhere else. He’s probably right too. Maybe that’s why I always guard so strongly against any impulse to get back with Grace, while Paul time and again end up being together with Joz. There are many who would say that Paul’s the one who’s getting more out of life, living the different emotions and experiences that we should all be having if we are truly to be considered living – joy, angst, loneliness, contentment… etc.
Me? I’m too busy playing dead. Paul’s pretty obvious when he’s going ga-ga over someone. And he’s fine with it. But I’m too afraid of letting anything show, and so I go out of the way to maintain appearances of impartiality amongst my friends, that non might ever discern where my own heart truly lies.
All the above is just a really really big loop to say what a rude shock it was for me to find my blog linked to Der Biao’s. For someone who has always been so eager to mask and hide my thoughts – every exposure, or the realization of the exposure of things I thought had been hidden, is a pretty big jolt to me. And an unpleasant one it is too.
Leaves me with about three options to consider.
First, to close down this blog that has become too public for my own liking already. It forces me to either risk people whom I’d rather not read the material within to come across it, or else to reduce this place to mere superficial thoughts of mine. (NOT, that its actually been very deep, actually… Hehz…)
Second, to take the risk and let this be a place where people can come to know a little more about me, an avenue in which aids me in opening up to people, which I’m by nature not very willing to volunteer. But it means I need to moderate my content, and not unknowingly offend some people, or stumble others.
Third, to change the nature of this blog into something else. Either of trivia, as a public diary of what’s going on in my life, as a collection of things I read that I liked… something along those lines.
Sigh.
I hate it when I have to make a decision whether or not to change things from the way it was. I’ve always liked status quo.
Not that I’m mad at him, after all the damage was done a long time ago… but wasn’t there a time when people would ask before they read something of yours that they didn’t give you themselves? If you found a notebook of mine, I’d say common courtesy would prompt you to not read what’s inside without my permission. Am I missing a point here, or does the fact that it’s the internet indicate that its automatically public domain, and therefore a place devoid of any sense of good manners?
But ah well. That’s all water under the bridge I guess. People are free and welcome to read from here, when they really have nothing better to do with their time. I only mentioned it here, because it suddenly hit me that this must be how Truman felt, not realizing that his thoughts, his secrets and his life, that were originally intended to be shared by only a close circle, have actually always been paraded around in the public, for one and all to peruse.
Must have been a shocker.
The last few days have been an over-saturation of studying. I guess I’m a little paranoid all of a sudden, that I’m really not going to make the cut. These are days when I really wish I had never been born at all.
Had dinner with Paul today, and we were talking abt relationships. I raised the topic, actually. About how I don’t believe in entering relationships and living for the moment. I always like to look at it from the long-term prospective right from the start. And I think I’m right to do that. He told me that’s probably why I’m finding it almost impossible to find another girl, because I never live for the moment, but is always somewhere else. He’s probably right too. Maybe that’s why I always guard so strongly against any impulse to get back with Grace, while Paul time and again end up being together with Joz. There are many who would say that Paul’s the one who’s getting more out of life, living the different emotions and experiences that we should all be having if we are truly to be considered living – joy, angst, loneliness, contentment… etc.
Me? I’m too busy playing dead. Paul’s pretty obvious when he’s going ga-ga over someone. And he’s fine with it. But I’m too afraid of letting anything show, and so I go out of the way to maintain appearances of impartiality amongst my friends, that non might ever discern where my own heart truly lies.
All the above is just a really really big loop to say what a rude shock it was for me to find my blog linked to Der Biao’s. For someone who has always been so eager to mask and hide my thoughts – every exposure, or the realization of the exposure of things I thought had been hidden, is a pretty big jolt to me. And an unpleasant one it is too.
Leaves me with about three options to consider.
First, to close down this blog that has become too public for my own liking already. It forces me to either risk people whom I’d rather not read the material within to come across it, or else to reduce this place to mere superficial thoughts of mine. (NOT, that its actually been very deep, actually… Hehz…)
Second, to take the risk and let this be a place where people can come to know a little more about me, an avenue in which aids me in opening up to people, which I’m by nature not very willing to volunteer. But it means I need to moderate my content, and not unknowingly offend some people, or stumble others.
Third, to change the nature of this blog into something else. Either of trivia, as a public diary of what’s going on in my life, as a collection of things I read that I liked… something along those lines.
Sigh.
I hate it when I have to make a decision whether or not to change things from the way it was. I’ve always liked status quo.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Valentines' Countdown
I found this on a website called PostSecret. And yes, I think on some days this seems to be what crosses my mind.Hehz...
PostSecret is supposed to be a collection of postcards sent in by people. I guess it never ceases to amaze me at how what we ourselves think to be such a shameful secret could actually be a sentiment echoed by so many all over the planet.
Monday, February 06, 2006
What's Going On
Yesterday at the core group meeting in church, we sang one of my favorite songs, 若非耶和华. There’s one line in it that especially catches me, that never fails to move me every time I sing it. It says “我所需要持守的只是一颗心。一颗完全相信的，坚定依靠的心。”
I mentioned it here because I seem to be going through another season in my life where I’m left to ask where God is in my life, in the midst of all that I’m going through and feeling. I’ve started to read a lot more, I’ve started to pray more, and generally I’ve been more sensitive to God in my everyday activities. All of these are things I will do when I’m seeking and searching. And God had just spoken to me on my way to church, reminding me of an old lesson I had learnt a long time ago… that seasons of bountifulness and abundance are times to be doing more than giving thanks… but times to be storing up and saving. Storing up and saving my experiences and lessons of God’s faithfulness and preservation. To look to God for His faithfulness during the dry spells would usually be a fruitless search. Maybe that’s why so many fail to find Him, cos they’re searching in the wrong place. My convictions of His goodness need to have been established long before my dry spells kick in, so that I have a well to draw from when the water runs dry.
And so the song really added a real punch to what I had just been thinking of, that as long as I don’t forget His faithfulness and His goodness, then all I need to do in season and out of season, is guard my heart – guard it to trust unquestioningly in one thing – that He is good, that His character is beyond doubt. Same idea behind the song “Trust His Heart”, I guess.
I’m beginning to feel the strain of ministry kick in. With a greater onus on me now to help out in cell group, pressure on me to do something abt CK’s cell group, new things added to the responsibilities of the Levite Ministry, and also things I always wanted to try a hand at in church… I think we’re all so so tired. And today it was such a bummer to find our laptop stolen from the cupboard. It’s a brand new laptop we had just purchased to be used in the chapel. One of us probably forgot to lock the cupboard, and this morning we found the laptop missing.
The strain on Henry and Bernice are also starting to be more and more tangible, and they seem to have lost a lot of the spark that they used to have, that I looked to so much when I was going through my rough patch. Now I feel an obligation, like its my turn somewhat, to try and be a spark to them. But its never been a strength of mine, and I can only commiserate with how they feel, and pray for them. Admittedly worship is still doing pretty well. I’ve been asking around, and generally feedback is pretty positive. So perhaps its just me, perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Ah well. The song couldn’t have come at a better time I guess.
Cell had our New Yr’s Party today. The turnout was pretty good, and the food was excessive, to say the least. Hehz… I had a good time catching up with Florence and John, then with Huilin and Rulin. Its really the season of old friends now, with Mag, Jean, Kok San also again coming into the radar, amongst quite a few others.
Ironic, since I’ve been pulling myself away from people. No longer updating myself on what’s going on in their lives, not following up with those around me on what’s been going on with them in their lives. I used to fight it when I feel my friends are slipping from me. Lately I’ve been happy to let them drift off.
Don’t ask me why. Maybe I’m really tired.
Ah well. Moving on to happier thoughts…
8th Feb 2006.
The day I get to take off that irritating P-plate, and be a real driver. Where I no longer need to be bullied on the roads, where other drivers will have to give me the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that I deserve.
Grins.
I found a really nice pizza place last night, having dinner with Henry and Simon.
I’m still savouring Pride and Prejudice, and the resonances that it set off in me everytime I go through it.
Up next on my blog will be a countdown to Valentine’s Day. If Fiona doesn’t ask me out by then, and nothing happens, I shall tell myself to just give up on the idea. And I’ll start by getting a dog. I’ve never told anyone how much I still miss my dog. 4 years after he died, I still have (although very very seldom) dreams about him, and I’ll wake up with a wet pillow.
Shit. I said “happier thoughts”, didn’t’ I?
Guess I really don’t have what it takes to be a sparky.
I mentioned it here because I seem to be going through another season in my life where I’m left to ask where God is in my life, in the midst of all that I’m going through and feeling. I’ve started to read a lot more, I’ve started to pray more, and generally I’ve been more sensitive to God in my everyday activities. All of these are things I will do when I’m seeking and searching. And God had just spoken to me on my way to church, reminding me of an old lesson I had learnt a long time ago… that seasons of bountifulness and abundance are times to be doing more than giving thanks… but times to be storing up and saving. Storing up and saving my experiences and lessons of God’s faithfulness and preservation. To look to God for His faithfulness during the dry spells would usually be a fruitless search. Maybe that’s why so many fail to find Him, cos they’re searching in the wrong place. My convictions of His goodness need to have been established long before my dry spells kick in, so that I have a well to draw from when the water runs dry.
And so the song really added a real punch to what I had just been thinking of, that as long as I don’t forget His faithfulness and His goodness, then all I need to do in season and out of season, is guard my heart – guard it to trust unquestioningly in one thing – that He is good, that His character is beyond doubt. Same idea behind the song “Trust His Heart”, I guess.
I’m beginning to feel the strain of ministry kick in. With a greater onus on me now to help out in cell group, pressure on me to do something abt CK’s cell group, new things added to the responsibilities of the Levite Ministry, and also things I always wanted to try a hand at in church… I think we’re all so so tired. And today it was such a bummer to find our laptop stolen from the cupboard. It’s a brand new laptop we had just purchased to be used in the chapel. One of us probably forgot to lock the cupboard, and this morning we found the laptop missing.
The strain on Henry and Bernice are also starting to be more and more tangible, and they seem to have lost a lot of the spark that they used to have, that I looked to so much when I was going through my rough patch. Now I feel an obligation, like its my turn somewhat, to try and be a spark to them. But its never been a strength of mine, and I can only commiserate with how they feel, and pray for them. Admittedly worship is still doing pretty well. I’ve been asking around, and generally feedback is pretty positive. So perhaps its just me, perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Ah well. The song couldn’t have come at a better time I guess.
Cell had our New Yr’s Party today. The turnout was pretty good, and the food was excessive, to say the least. Hehz… I had a good time catching up with Florence and John, then with Huilin and Rulin. Its really the season of old friends now, with Mag, Jean, Kok San also again coming into the radar, amongst quite a few others.
Ironic, since I’ve been pulling myself away from people. No longer updating myself on what’s going on in their lives, not following up with those around me on what’s been going on with them in their lives. I used to fight it when I feel my friends are slipping from me. Lately I’ve been happy to let them drift off.
Don’t ask me why. Maybe I’m really tired.
Ah well. Moving on to happier thoughts…
8th Feb 2006.
The day I get to take off that irritating P-plate, and be a real driver. Where I no longer need to be bullied on the roads, where other drivers will have to give me the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that I deserve.
Grins.
I found a really nice pizza place last night, having dinner with Henry and Simon.
I’m still savouring Pride and Prejudice, and the resonances that it set off in me everytime I go through it.
Up next on my blog will be a countdown to Valentine’s Day. If Fiona doesn’t ask me out by then, and nothing happens, I shall tell myself to just give up on the idea. And I’ll start by getting a dog. I’ve never told anyone how much I still miss my dog. 4 years after he died, I still have (although very very seldom) dreams about him, and I’ll wake up with a wet pillow.
Shit. I said “happier thoughts”, didn’t’ I?
Guess I really don’t have what it takes to be a sparky.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Revisiting Pride & Prejudice
I just finished watching the "Pride and Prejudice" mini-series by BBC… and I think both this and the movie have been nothing short of extraordinary. I mean, I’ve always loved the story. But I guess putting book to script has constantly been a challenge which few have stood up to. Movie adaptations have invariably been criticized for not being as good as the book itself, but I think both productions have turned out to be exceedingly astonishing.
Of course, ten days or so away from Valentines’ Day means that it is just about the worst possible time to be watching a movie that waxes at length about love, and the pursuit of it. But I guess one thing about growing up in time is that you start focusing on different themes that the book addresses. It used to be that I fixated on the romantic and lofty ideals that Lizzie expounded on, and the reward that awaited her who held out against all hope for true love, and who ended up being richly rewarded for her resolve.
Or perhaps its because the mini-series had the time to develop the plot a lot more finely than the movie did, that my attention was called to something else other than the general theme of relationships. Because I couldn’t help but take note of how one of the most endearing traits of the two sisters, Jane and Lizzie, were their ability to place their family above their own happiness. Everyone else from Lydia to Kitty and even Mrs Bennett sought their own personal happiness at the expense of their family’s, and so even though they were never reproached for their conduct save Lydia, there was hardly anything there worthy of note abt their behavior as well. In fact, the series did a very good job of balancing the different characters, while at the same time making it obvious that the only two persons who displayed any form of maturity at all was Jane and Lizzie.
This mini-series actually does a lot more credit to Jane than the movie did, showing how her kindness of nature was one of the greatest strengths that Lizzie depended upon, and which was what enabled them to support each other as they assumed responsibility to hold the family in place when everyone else lacked the same consideration. Austen was someone who felt very strongly abt the repression of women in her era, and how they were so often at the complete mercy of a good match to secure their own futures. Yet she also very clearly set down what she thought were traits that a sensible woman ought to have, that entailed a legitimate attempt to fight for their futures.
Possibly it is the male chauvinist in me who read too much into this, but I couldn’t help but detect the faint note of reproach that Austen had for the silly ways in which the girls did everything possible to scrap for their own wishes, even Charlotte’s, who admitted that she married for stability and security. It would appear that for Austen, the selflessness of Jane and Lizzie was what set them apart from everyone else, even as they too harbored hopes of finding a partner. They had the maturity to see that the family was tied to anything they did, and so displayed a greater responsibility than even Mr Bennett.
With so much more now that I had to do in the family since my sister is married, this has been a year for me to learn more abt what entails the responsibilities of being a member of the family. I confess I have been overwhelmingly pampered all 26 years of my life so far, without too much involvement in even the household responsibilities, which would constitute the least of what I ought to be contributing to the family. Learning to set aside my personal moods to give my parents the attention that my sis used to is already proving to be a real challenge. I used to close the door to my room and wallow in my own moodiness and broodiness, but now whatever may be going through my head and my heart, I need to set it aside and be there for my parents, at lunch or dinner, engaging them in conversation and getting them to do things to occupy their time.
It also means taking up my bandwidth I used to devote to caring for friends, since I now need to take a much greater active interest in the daily activities of my parents. They will need reminders of their appointments, they will need help to make arrangements, and in the event that they have a pretty free week I need to conjure up activities for them to occupy themselves with. It means less time to catch up with people, and less time to do things for them. One of the silver linings is that it also means I don’t have as much time as I used to have, to indulge in my obsessions with my Fiona, but forces me to engage my time in a much more constructive manner.
But there you go. Family has suddenly become very much something in my life. Ironic that it took me all of 27 years to get here, and to remember that I actually DO owe them my first priority, loyalty and obligation. Hehz… her self-sacrificing nature has suddenly been a much more attractive trait of Lizzie than her romantic ideals. Imagine that! Perhaps I’m growing up and losing my foolish romantic ideals. Perhaps I’m maturing a little more to appreciate more to virtue than what I used to think.
Or perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow to find out that I’ve once again reverted back to the same silliness and foolishness that I’ve always had. After all, some of my friends can’t seem to stop harping on V-Day. Its gonna be my third year going without a date. So the more they harp on it, the more it actually does get to me. And yes, it sucks.
Ah well. I guess there’s always room for hope that Fiona would actually call me and ask me out for dinner.
Tee hee.
I’m reading “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath, and am absolutely charmed by it. Yes, Paul gave it to me almost 2 yrs ago and its taken me until now to read it. But it is a fascinating read, also a feminist novel, but very well narrated. Depressing book, nonetheless. Which only serves to even further aggravate my recent disposition. Perhaps I do sound a little more glum recently. Diana even called me to check in on me tonight. Hehz…
I’m fine, I guess. I’ll survive. Well all cope differently. I do so by letting it out somewhere. Once I get it out, I feel better. This blog was meant to be such a place, so even though it seems to have entered the public domain despite it starting out as quite the opposite, I shall not give it up as such. It still remains the place I go to when I need to feel better. So if I always sound moody and depressed, and always repeat the same things here, that’s because that’s what this blog was meant to be in the first place. So dun be worried for me, guys, when it seems I’m always having blue days according to these blog entries. The title “Just Once In a BLUE Moon” was meant to be a pun.
Cool eh?
Grins.
Bet no one got that.
Of course, ten days or so away from Valentines’ Day means that it is just about the worst possible time to be watching a movie that waxes at length about love, and the pursuit of it. But I guess one thing about growing up in time is that you start focusing on different themes that the book addresses. It used to be that I fixated on the romantic and lofty ideals that Lizzie expounded on, and the reward that awaited her who held out against all hope for true love, and who ended up being richly rewarded for her resolve.
Or perhaps its because the mini-series had the time to develop the plot a lot more finely than the movie did, that my attention was called to something else other than the general theme of relationships. Because I couldn’t help but take note of how one of the most endearing traits of the two sisters, Jane and Lizzie, were their ability to place their family above their own happiness. Everyone else from Lydia to Kitty and even Mrs Bennett sought their own personal happiness at the expense of their family’s, and so even though they were never reproached for their conduct save Lydia, there was hardly anything there worthy of note abt their behavior as well. In fact, the series did a very good job of balancing the different characters, while at the same time making it obvious that the only two persons who displayed any form of maturity at all was Jane and Lizzie.
This mini-series actually does a lot more credit to Jane than the movie did, showing how her kindness of nature was one of the greatest strengths that Lizzie depended upon, and which was what enabled them to support each other as they assumed responsibility to hold the family in place when everyone else lacked the same consideration. Austen was someone who felt very strongly abt the repression of women in her era, and how they were so often at the complete mercy of a good match to secure their own futures. Yet she also very clearly set down what she thought were traits that a sensible woman ought to have, that entailed a legitimate attempt to fight for their futures.
Possibly it is the male chauvinist in me who read too much into this, but I couldn’t help but detect the faint note of reproach that Austen had for the silly ways in which the girls did everything possible to scrap for their own wishes, even Charlotte’s, who admitted that she married for stability and security. It would appear that for Austen, the selflessness of Jane and Lizzie was what set them apart from everyone else, even as they too harbored hopes of finding a partner. They had the maturity to see that the family was tied to anything they did, and so displayed a greater responsibility than even Mr Bennett.
With so much more now that I had to do in the family since my sister is married, this has been a year for me to learn more abt what entails the responsibilities of being a member of the family. I confess I have been overwhelmingly pampered all 26 years of my life so far, without too much involvement in even the household responsibilities, which would constitute the least of what I ought to be contributing to the family. Learning to set aside my personal moods to give my parents the attention that my sis used to is already proving to be a real challenge. I used to close the door to my room and wallow in my own moodiness and broodiness, but now whatever may be going through my head and my heart, I need to set it aside and be there for my parents, at lunch or dinner, engaging them in conversation and getting them to do things to occupy their time.
It also means taking up my bandwidth I used to devote to caring for friends, since I now need to take a much greater active interest in the daily activities of my parents. They will need reminders of their appointments, they will need help to make arrangements, and in the event that they have a pretty free week I need to conjure up activities for them to occupy themselves with. It means less time to catch up with people, and less time to do things for them. One of the silver linings is that it also means I don’t have as much time as I used to have, to indulge in my obsessions with my Fiona, but forces me to engage my time in a much more constructive manner.
But there you go. Family has suddenly become very much something in my life. Ironic that it took me all of 27 years to get here, and to remember that I actually DO owe them my first priority, loyalty and obligation. Hehz… her self-sacrificing nature has suddenly been a much more attractive trait of Lizzie than her romantic ideals. Imagine that! Perhaps I’m growing up and losing my foolish romantic ideals. Perhaps I’m maturing a little more to appreciate more to virtue than what I used to think.
Or perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow to find out that I’ve once again reverted back to the same silliness and foolishness that I’ve always had. After all, some of my friends can’t seem to stop harping on V-Day. Its gonna be my third year going without a date. So the more they harp on it, the more it actually does get to me. And yes, it sucks.
Ah well. I guess there’s always room for hope that Fiona would actually call me and ask me out for dinner.
Tee hee.
I’m reading “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath, and am absolutely charmed by it. Yes, Paul gave it to me almost 2 yrs ago and its taken me until now to read it. But it is a fascinating read, also a feminist novel, but very well narrated. Depressing book, nonetheless. Which only serves to even further aggravate my recent disposition. Perhaps I do sound a little more glum recently. Diana even called me to check in on me tonight. Hehz…
I’m fine, I guess. I’ll survive. Well all cope differently. I do so by letting it out somewhere. Once I get it out, I feel better. This blog was meant to be such a place, so even though it seems to have entered the public domain despite it starting out as quite the opposite, I shall not give it up as such. It still remains the place I go to when I need to feel better. So if I always sound moody and depressed, and always repeat the same things here, that’s because that’s what this blog was meant to be in the first place. So dun be worried for me, guys, when it seems I’m always having blue days according to these blog entries. The title “Just Once In a BLUE Moon” was meant to be a pun.
Cool eh?
Grins.
Bet no one got that.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Caught Memoirs Of A Geisha today. Was supposed to watch it 2 weeks back, but it kept getting put back. Decided to catch it before the procrastination results in missing the show altogether. I liked it. And I don’t mean Zhang Ziyi baring a lot of skin. I actually think Gong Li looks so much better.
But this post isn't about the show.
A lot of the dialogue resounded in me. Like the part where the chairman tells her something like “We weren’t supposed to be happy. Every moment of happiness we have is a momentary surprise that we enjoy, then leave behind us.” For me, whom Diana describes as being someone “whose blog reeks with so much sadness and resignation sometimes”, that line really struck a chord with me.
Its been a thought that has been resounding in my head for some time now. I guess we all have a picture in our heads, of how things would be perfect. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. We’d have some sort of order in mind… of who would end up with who, what role each of our friends would play in relation to each other, who ought to have a say in whose life… that sort of thing. Then we look around us, and we say…
“If only…”
“If only this was what happened, then it would mean I would be here and he would be there and then everything would have turned out fine. If only she was this and I was that, then everything would be fine. If only they could this then we could that. If only…”
So maybe the chairman was right. We weren’t meant to be happy. Too many things in our lives turn out to be an “if only”. Too many things in our lives don’t even turn out to be anything at all, as a matter of fact. Happiness is something elusive, that we catch a glimpse of on occasions, that keep us somehow believing that it does exist, even if only for the briefest of moments. So whether it’s a love gone bad, a future turned sour, was inevitable that it had to come to an end. Someone recently quoted on his own blog a recent entry of mine – “When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?”
And he’s right when he responded by saying that it’s a really painful question to ask.
Perhaps the answer lies in what the chairman says. You just have to treat it as a momentary surprise, enjoy it then let go. Life is about a compromise. Seldom do things ever turn out exactly the way you’d have wanted. So even though you hoped for more, if a friendship with someone you love is all she’s willing to offer, you take it gratefully, and slowly learn to bury your hopes. If someone else’s future is his for the taking, you put aside the envy and be happy for him, thanking God that at least someone made it to where you had hoped to go.
I used to think that ‘compromise’ was such an ugly word.
I’m not so sure about that anymore. Sometimes it seems to be the only way out.
But this post isn't about the show.
A lot of the dialogue resounded in me. Like the part where the chairman tells her something like “We weren’t supposed to be happy. Every moment of happiness we have is a momentary surprise that we enjoy, then leave behind us.” For me, whom Diana describes as being someone “whose blog reeks with so much sadness and resignation sometimes”, that line really struck a chord with me.
Its been a thought that has been resounding in my head for some time now. I guess we all have a picture in our heads, of how things would be perfect. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. We’d have some sort of order in mind… of who would end up with who, what role each of our friends would play in relation to each other, who ought to have a say in whose life… that sort of thing. Then we look around us, and we say…
“If only…”
“If only this was what happened, then it would mean I would be here and he would be there and then everything would have turned out fine. If only she was this and I was that, then everything would be fine. If only they could this then we could that. If only…”
So maybe the chairman was right. We weren’t meant to be happy. Too many things in our lives turn out to be an “if only”. Too many things in our lives don’t even turn out to be anything at all, as a matter of fact. Happiness is something elusive, that we catch a glimpse of on occasions, that keep us somehow believing that it does exist, even if only for the briefest of moments. So whether it’s a love gone bad, a future turned sour, was inevitable that it had to come to an end. Someone recently quoted on his own blog a recent entry of mine – “When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?”
And he’s right when he responded by saying that it’s a really painful question to ask.
Perhaps the answer lies in what the chairman says. You just have to treat it as a momentary surprise, enjoy it then let go. Life is about a compromise. Seldom do things ever turn out exactly the way you’d have wanted. So even though you hoped for more, if a friendship with someone you love is all she’s willing to offer, you take it gratefully, and slowly learn to bury your hopes. If someone else’s future is his for the taking, you put aside the envy and be happy for him, thanking God that at least someone made it to where you had hoped to go.
I used to think that ‘compromise’ was such an ugly word.
I’m not so sure about that anymore. Sometimes it seems to be the only way out.
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