What's Going On

Yesterday at the core group meeting in church, we sang one of my favorite songs, 若非耶和华. There’s one line in it that especially catches me, that never fails to move me every time I sing it. It says “我所需要持守的只是一颗心。一颗完全相信的，坚定依靠的心。”

I mentioned it here because I seem to be going through another season in my life where I’m left to ask where God is in my life, in the midst of all that I’m going through and feeling. I’ve started to read a lot more, I’ve started to pray more, and generally I’ve been more sensitive to God in my everyday activities. All of these are things I will do when I’m seeking and searching. And God had just spoken to me on my way to church, reminding me of an old lesson I had learnt a long time ago… that seasons of bountifulness and abundance are times to be doing more than giving thanks… but times to be storing up and saving. Storing up and saving my experiences and lessons of God’s faithfulness and preservation. To look to God for His faithfulness during the dry spells would usually be a fruitless search. Maybe that’s why so many fail to find Him, cos they’re searching in the wrong place. My convictions of His goodness need to have been established long before my dry spells kick in, so that I have a well to draw from when the water runs dry.

And so the song really added a real punch to what I had just been thinking of, that as long as I don’t forget His faithfulness and His goodness, then all I need to do in season and out of season, is guard my heart – guard it to trust unquestioningly in one thing – that He is good, that His character is beyond doubt. Same idea behind the song “Trust His Heart”, I guess.

I’m beginning to feel the strain of ministry kick in. With a greater onus on me now to help out in cell group, pressure on me to do something abt CK’s cell group, new things added to the responsibilities of the Levite Ministry, and also things I always wanted to try a hand at in church… I think we’re all so so tired. And today it was such a bummer to find our laptop stolen from the cupboard. It’s a brand new laptop we had just purchased to be used in the chapel. One of us probably forgot to lock the cupboard, and this morning we found the laptop missing.

The strain on Henry and Bernice are also starting to be more and more tangible, and they seem to have lost a lot of the spark that they used to have, that I looked to so much when I was going through my rough patch. Now I feel an obligation, like its my turn somewhat, to try and be a spark to them. But its never been a strength of mine, and I can only commiserate with how they feel, and pray for them. Admittedly worship is still doing pretty well. I’ve been asking around, and generally feedback is pretty positive. So perhaps its just me, perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Ah well. The song couldn’t have come at a better time I guess.

Cell had our New Yr’s Party today. The turnout was pretty good, and the food was excessive, to say the least. Hehz… I had a good time catching up with Florence and John, then with Huilin and Rulin. Its really the season of old friends now, with Mag, Jean, Kok San also again coming into the radar, amongst quite a few others.

Ironic, since I’ve been pulling myself away from people. No longer updating myself on what’s going on in their lives, not following up with those around me on what’s been going on with them in their lives. I used to fight it when I feel my friends are slipping from me. Lately I’ve been happy to let them drift off.

Don’t ask me why. Maybe I’m really tired.

Ah well. Moving on to happier thoughts…

8th Feb 2006.
The day I get to take off that irritating P-plate, and be a real driver. Where I no longer need to be bullied on the roads, where other drivers will have to give me the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that I deserve.

Grins.

I found a really nice pizza place last night, having dinner with Henry and Simon.

I’m still savouring Pride and Prejudice, and the resonances that it set off in me everytime I go through it.

Up next on my blog will be a countdown to Valentine’s Day. If Fiona doesn’t ask me out by then, and nothing happens, I shall tell myself to just give up on the idea. And I’ll start by getting a dog. I’ve never told anyone how much I still miss my dog. 4 years after he died, I still have (although very very seldom) dreams about him, and I’ll wake up with a wet pillow.









Shit. I said “happier thoughts”, didn’t’ I?

Guess I really don’t have what it takes to be a sparky.