Set Apart For God (Part 1)

I was out with Paul a while ago, and we got down to discussing the book I lent him, “The Mystery Of Marriage”. He obviously didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, and his general protest was at the “idealism” that the book espoused. He likened it to books like “Passion and Purity”, or “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, books where they described the theoretical epitome of what love should be like, while at the same time not making enough room to acknowledge just how impossible it is to ever get there.

As much as I agreed at the impossibly high standards that the book sets, I guess for me… the problem was always with the impossibly low standards we set for ourselves as we protest against the lofty standards that Mason, Harris and George have placed before us. And I told him that seeing a couple like Henry and Bernice demonstrate what it is like to have a Christ-centered relationship, I can see how the lofty standards were reached for, while at the same time conceding the fact that we are prone to fail.

What every couple does, including what I did with Grace, was to get into a relationship based on the mutual attraction we had for each other… only after that, did we try to work the “God element" into it, so as to try and steer it towards a God-centered direction. I would be hard-pressed to find fault with that approach, actually… but its safe to say that most of the time, it was the horizontal aspect of the relationship that got built, instead of the vertical. And so love becomes such hard work, where we plead the impossibility of the standards that are established in these books.

What we forget is that in something as grand and as sacred as love, it was always going to be something impossible for fallen humans to achieve. Just like how it was always going to be impossible for fallen beings like us to behold the full glory of God. Yet it also therefore becomes the one thing above anything else, that we cannot afford to compromise, and settle for less in.

So we lean on the providence of God’s grace, to help us love like only He can.

I look to Henry and Bernice, and I am more than just a little awed by the kind of relationship they have. I don’t just see each other when I look into their eyes, I really see a common worship that they share. I can see that how close they are wasn’t built by a lot of personal time together, but by the kind of worship that they have in common, of God. Their relationship has such a great capacity to accommodate others, be it cell group, the worship team, other needy people, ministry time and family obligations... not to mention work. And I believe their relationship could stand up to such intrusions because it was never about the two of them, but about the common love they have in Christ. As much as I whine abt the lack of personal space I’d want after getting attached, I know I’m the sort who would jealously want a lot of personal time with my partner. And to see how Henry and Bernice always selflessly give up their own time together to fellowship with those around them… well, its always a lesson that I learn, and that makes me appreciate them.

I don’t think there’s any way to “work at it”. Any other couple who imitates the very activities they engage in could not reproduce the kind of “holiness” that their love seems to emanate. Whatever chemistry and understanding they have of each other is always something you can feel is found in the source of their love for Christ. Its not about how sweet one party can be to another. Its not about how self-sacrificing or how nice one is to the other. Its about how when they come together, what anyone can see is that their attachment to each other is the result of their common fixation with God.

I remember the line in the song “I Will Be Here”, that goes “I will be true to the promise I have made… to you and to the One who gave you to me”, and I suddenly appreciate the sentiment of that line ten times over. All the promises made to each other in the song is worth nothing, without the ever-present acknowledgement that it’s also a promise kept to the One who brought the two of them together. I don't think I've ever seen that line before in this context, but when I did, it really blew my mind away. The bridge of a song, usually used to summarize the whole song and to lend emphasis to a chorus, was certainly used by Chapman so powerfully here.

Someone told me tonight that she’s just about ready to stop believing in relationships already. And many have been the times that I’ve felt that way. But the grandness of the love that Henry and Bernice share have shown me that good things like this are so precious that its worth waiting for, and that it’ll be worth the wait.

Its interesting how couples who are on the verge of breaking up usually all weigh their considerations on everything except “I wonder if God really is pleased with the relationship I’m currently in, and I wonder just how much my relationship is glorifying Him.” I suspect most couples are afraid to ask that question, because of the ramifications that follow. Yet often it seems that until that question is answered, all other questions abt compatibility, commitment and affections are somewhat invalid.

Its also interesting how couples who are thinking of getting together always talk abt praying over that decision, but their deliberations always seem to hover over “human factors” such as compatibility and attraction… at best they think they can see themselves serving God together, a hypothetical understanding usually borne out of a bias towards wanting to end up together. They protest over how God seems to stay silent when they ask Him for an answer, not ever considering that perhaps God’s silence is in itself an answer.

And even couples who might be doing pretty well right now often avoid the question of “Where is God in the relationship”, preferring not to rock the boat, hoping that in the future the problem would go away by itself.

Of course, having said all this, it seems that every couple in church ought to break up now. Hehz… but that’s not my point. I think it’s a decision we all have to make for ourselves, just how much do we intend to set ourselves apart to be used by God. I think after witnessing Henry and Bernice at work, I have caught a glimpse of something that I want very badly… and I would rather stay single than settle for a relationship that would make a mockery of all that I think love should be, and make a hypocrite of myself.

So… yes. I think I need to get used to the idea of singlehood for life.

Grins.

Potluck At BK's!!!!

Nowadays when you go BK, instead of ordering their fries and drinks, you're encouraged to come with your own coffee and hashbrowns.

Grins.

Uncertainty

"You find it so easy to be dissatisfied with God because you do not understand His ways in you. You, who have even entertained the thought of displeasure at a God who doesn't explain His ways. Listen now, mortal, and understand... even the Son of God is not spared from the abandonment of God. Shall you then be?

A moment ago, your Saviour died. He died the incarnation of sin, swallowed up in the iniquity of all mankind. In the final madness of that flood, even He asked 'Why?' and received no answer. The cross always has an unanswered 'Why?'.

Without uncertainty, without unanswered questions, there is no such thing as the cross."

The Inward Journey, Gene Edwards

Bewildering

The past few weeks I seem to have turned a corner. A bad corner.

Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.

Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.

Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.

I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.

Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is

Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?

I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.

Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.

Sounds vague?

Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.

Damn hazy.

Can’t think straight.

And I hate that.

Someone Should Turn This Into A Song

Forever Valentines’

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

The Parasite's Creed

I live - simply so that other might live simply.

Grins.

Inspired by a message in church today, on World Missions.

Wuahahahaha...

Dream A Little Dream...

Ever had one of those nights where you dreamt of someone, and afterwards you could never ever look them in the eye again without thinking abt that dream?

I've been having pretty restless nights for a couple of months now. And I find that my dreams get more and more vivid. Most of them I make a point to remember right after I wake up, and I continue to think abt it while brushing my teeth. But usually 2 hrs later, I forget abt them already.

I sometimes wonder if the ones I remember are the ones that really matter. The ones that even days after dreaming it I can't shake out of my head. Some of them are pretty absurd, involving me back in BMT again, but this time doing really absurd things like being part of a debate on National security. Of course I have a few classic morbid dreams that seems to show up in my dreams on a pretty regular basis... its always the same dream, and it always follows the exact same sequence, involving me being trapped in a building with no exits. Then of course there's the dream where I see myself walking with someone whose presence is strikingly familiar, but whose face I can't catch... and each time we're always walking along different places ranging from the usual spots like Bishan or Thomson Park, to the ludicrous like my abandoned primary school building.

All I know is that the dreams tend to get really vivid, and part of me is awake enough to recognize I'm dreaming, and even be able to marvel at the details that exist within the "visions".

And as much as I'm strangely attracted by it enough to have part of me not want to lose it, there's also a part of me that hates it.

I read this phrase somewhere, and was pretty struck by the irony: "I looked back and thought to myself how different things would have been had I enough hindsight." Don't ask me why I mentioned it here.

Random thought.

Somewhat like my dreams.

Somewhat like this blog.

Falling In Love (With The Language)

The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.

I just really really like that turn of phrase. Its such a nifty expression that says so much.

Ever met up and spent time with a person, and after leaving her, realize that you’ve fallen in love with her?

Isn’t it true that between the time you met the love of your life and the moment you call off the relationship, you knew you’ve learnt what it was like to fall in love?

Ever had this sure feeling from the time you meet and fall in love, that there will come a time for you or her to leave?

I love it when a little phrase like that can say so much!!!

True Love

Paul asked me last night what I would say if I had to choose between God's justness, or God's mercy.

I told him I would pick God's mercy any time. Not because it goes down more easy on myself... but because God would still have been just without His mercy, but He chose to be merciful as well.

I guess that's what love is. He didn't have to, but He did.

The next time one of us starts to think of our boyfriends or girlfriends "Well, its nothing really special that he did. After all, he's the boyfriend", we would do well to remember that he didn't need to... but he did.

And we can learn to appreciate it, instead of brushing off the person's gesture of love.

Narnian Legacies

Last night I finished reading “The Final Battle”, the last book in C.S. Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia”. I don’t know what is it about this book particularly, but just exactly as it happened the last time round, after I finished reading the book, I put it down and started sobbing uncontrollably. Somehow between the emotions the book stirred up in me, of longing, of beauty, of hope and of even fear… somehow my reaction was to finally give vent to everything that was going on inside of me with 15 mins of violent sobs.

Inside of me I was absolutely bewildered at my reaction also, but I just couldn’t help the tears that came out. But after I managed to calm down, I had a bit of time to sort through all that was going on in my head when reading that book.

I think… of all the Christian analogies and allusions that could be found within the series, the most obvious ones were all found inside “The Last Battle”. From the despair and hopelessness of the situation that Prince Tirian found himself in – which mirrors the situation so many of us feel when dealing with the odds we’re up against in life, to the helplessness of even Aslan Himself to make the dwarves see Him for who He is – which so often mirrors our own obstinacy to acknowledge God when He moves to speak to us in our lives… there were so many things to be picked out from the book, and to marvel at how cleverly Lewis had inserted all the elements of Christian Theology into a book that spoke to children.

I looked at my illustrated copy of the book, and the picture of the 7 children who were the kings and queens of Narnia, and I couldn’t help but think of the verse where Jesus said “Let the little children come to me, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” There was even a reminder within that, where Susan did not return to Narnia as High Queen because she had turned too worldly grown-up, and rejected Narnia as a fairy-tale.

So many thoughts were running through my head today as I spent the whole morning and half the afternoon talking to a very old friend of mine. At one point in time our discussions became very heated as he accused me of wanting to stop him from realising his dreams, not having faith in him to be able to do what he wanted, and not trusting him to know his own limits.

I was very hurt by the conversation, to be honest. To have someone whom I’ve spent so much time and effort nurturing a friendship that dates easily over ten years turn around and basically push me away because he thought I was in the way of him realizing his dreams isn’t something easy to swallow. And even though he apologized afterwards and we basically ended the whole day on an amicable note, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. It drained me enough to can my plans to go to the gym, and I ended up sleeping for 4 straight hours.

The gist of our argument had revolved around my hesitance to endorse him on the career track he wanted to pursue. So I had started out by warning him of the consequences of his choice… and that I needed to point out to him how as difficult as it may be to do in real life, we have a duty to God even before we have a duty to our family. That when we compromise our Christian principles, or even embark on that slippery slope, the price we end up paying at the end of the day is so much higher than we thought it would be.

His reply to me was “At this point in time, I need to choose between the two. It is impossible for me to be both a Christian, and to pursue my career. And if it is what it takes, I’ll choose my career… for now.”

I never knew how much it hurts to see a brother of more than 10 years in church say that to my face. Until today. And yet I guess now that I’ve had more tie to think about it, he only articulated what so many have actually done… including my sister and her husband. Yet both of them would not see themselves as having separated their faith from their work… they only will say justify it as a temporal phase which does not count as compromise.

“The Last Battle” painted the beautiful idea of the Shadowlands… where the Narnia we read about in the first 6 books is but a shadow of the real Narnia that is revealed only at the end. A Narnia within a Narnia!! So that even when the end seemed to have come for Narnia at the last battle, Aslan actually had something better in mind…

At this point in my life it was a poignant reminder that even as so many around me are seemingly overwhelmed with the events in their life that threatens to break them beyond what they can bear, what happened to Narnia and to Prince Tirian brought to mind what Paul says in Romans, that “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” The question “Doesn’t God care that what is happening to me now is probably going to kill me?” suddenly has an answer that makes sense.

I think it was the sum of so many biblical principles that I was reminded of just by reading that last book, that made it feel like almost a personal rebuke from God of how much I myself have lost the plot in my own walk with God, and forgotten so many of these principles that I cherished so much when I was 17…. In my bedroom and on my bed, when I was sobbing uncontrollably, it felt as if Aslan Himself was in the room and I was so afraid to meet Him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to give up a good account of myself.

I guess after spending so much of my time moping over the apparent under-achievements of my life, be it academically, financially or career-wise, just for last night and tonight, I am ashamed of myself for having not stopped to ask why I don’t feel any sense of regret at my under-achievements for God. Henry wanted us on Sunday to spend time this week before Missions Sunday, to really think abt God’s calling in our own lives, and how we are all to become the living sacrifices that is expected of us. I guess that given my inertia to do so, God decided to give me the shove I needed…

VERY Random Sleep-Deprived Thoughts

Can’t sleep. Haven’t really slept for quite a while already, actually…

So I was thinking to myself…

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Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself. Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself.

Hehz…

But I guess those who say it are just the people who have spent way too much time with me, much more than they should, so that basically whatever I have made of my 27 years of life has already been shared with them already. I mean, after a while I run out of new things to say because there’s only so much that I know, and so much that I actually do believe in.

I remember this line that came up in “Scrubs”, where J.D. was commenting that “Sometimes, when all you have are old words, you can only string them together and hope they say something new.”

Ever felt that way before? When you try to tell someone something that they’ve heard a million times before, yet you know of no other things to say to that person except the same old thing? And how you somehow decide in persist in telling that person one more time, in the hope that what you’ve been trying to say will finally sink in?

*******************************************
I really feel like I’m the odd one out in my family. No one in the family really seems to get me at all.

Tonight as I sit here and I blog, I have the very strong desire to actually just take the car out for a drive down to Sembawang Park. I just want some space, in a comfortable environment, so that I can take time out to be by myself… just to recharge my batteries.

But I can’t. My parents would genuinely think that I’m being nonsensical, and that its something totally unnecessary. At best they would allow me to do so, but they’d never understand why I’d want to do something like that, and they’d make their disapproval known.

It also appears that I’m the only one in my family who just isn’t smart enough, and not much of an over-achiever like all the rest of my extended family. The things I want to make of my life, no one even within my extended family would appreciate or understand.

Its nights like these that I harbor serious questions of whether or not I’m adopted…

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I wonder to myself what goes through the mind of a non-Christian who comes to church. Today our pastor was talking abt Community Service, abt Social Justice, and abt the responsibility we as Christian have, to be the salt and the light of the world by serving the needy, and reaching out to them the way Christ did. But he repeatedly raised the consideration that we need to watch what we do, lest the non-Christians should think that we only serve with an agenda of evangelism, or lest the non-Christians feel that we in the church tend to gather in a “holy huddle”, never venturing out of the walls of our sanctuary into the real world.

I knew there was at least one non-Christian sitting right behind me, who had been attending service on a regular basis recently… and I was musing to myself what must be going through his head.

I mean, if I step into a Hindu or Bhuddist temple, and I observe the elaborate teachings and rituals that they engage in within their walls, I know for sure I’d wonder at the lengths they go to, just to express their devotions to a being that I don’t believe even exists. Yet surely for a non-Christian who insists he doesn’t believe in God, what must be running through his mind everytime he comes to service, to observe our worship, our prayers, our offerings and our teachings… all in honor of a God that he doesn’t think is real!!!

Hehz… I know its disrepectful and not right, but I know inside the Hindu and Bhuddist temple, part of me would marvel at the lengths we are able to fool ourselves into seeing what isn’t real, and believe in what doesn’t exist. And I’d look at the believers with an internal incredulity, wondering just what it would take for them to open their eyes to the folly of their ways…

And so I can’t help wondering if the guy sitting right behind me is thinking that of me!!!!

Sad huh? But it was something that actually bugged me, that someone right behind me might be thinking I’m a deluded and pitiful lunatic, giving my life to a cause that he sees as being nonsensical.

Sigh.

My ego is such a nightmare sometimes.

Grins.

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I again went back to the thought that came over me a few days ago, wondering how to refine it. It’s a pretty rough idea, and obviously in its current form its so simplistic and over-generalized to the extent that its pretty nonsensical…

But I was toying with the idea of how our human nature is always inclined to firstly see the things we want to see (i.e., be biased towards any and every situation), and secondly to always have an instinctive tendency to protect ourselves from hurt.

So when it comes to hard decisions we have to make, where one of the options invariably sets us up for a lot of pain, or that needs to be made at great cost to ourselves, we usually always see a reason to decide against paying the price. So much so that I’m tempted to tell myself that everytime I know I have a strong inclination to not make a decision because of the situation I’m in, the choice that is harder to make is probably the right choice to make.

Of course, many around me would protest at the fatalism that I speak of, and accuse me of spouting nonsense.

At this point in time I’m even inclined to agree.

But I want to spin this idea around in my head longer, and see if I can polish it more.

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Ah well.

I should just go sleep, I guess.

With any luck when I wake up tomorrow, Man Utd would have pulled off the sensational signing of Steven Gerard and Fernando Torres for a combined fee of ₤25 million, while having sold off Van Nistelrooy for ₤15 million.

With even more luck, I’d wake up and find that the past 4 years I’ve actually been in a deep coma from a serious accident, and I’m really the only son of a multi billionaire and I look like Brad Pitt.

Grins.

TMD

I happened to walk into a section of Cold Storage where a promoter was selling organic health products… you know, the kind where they mix a lot of stuff you want to have nothing to do with together, and try to convince you that if you but have faith, it shall do wonder to your health… The woman promoter sensed my curiosity in her wares, and struck up a lively conversation with me.

“Sir,”, the woman began “would you like to get some products for yourself? We have over thirty types of grain, each with different properties that will help you to improve your health. In fact, we have 5 different mixes that are each specifically tailored to suit your every need. Just for you, I would like to recommend the DIET mix, that will help you to shed your extra pounds and give you back your health…”

I didn’t hear anything after that, since I was too bothered by an eye condition that suddenly afflicted me. I was seeing everything through a red haze, and I could feel hot air being pumped out at high velocity through my nostrils, as I strove to stave off what I can only assume to be my panic, since I had a sudden impulse to reach out and throttle the neck of that woman in front of me.

To my credit, I politely smiled and “no thanks”.

Later on in the evening, my pastor’s wife, one of the most benevolent women I have ever met, and whom I absolutely adore, came up to me and innocently inquired how is it that our jogging team has been too busy to make it a regular event… I asked how she realized we hadn’t been jogging regularly anymore, highly impressed with the level of interest she showed in us youths, to the extent that she is even aware of our little jogging clique’s activities. And right at this point in time she raised her eyebrow, looked me over with her eyes and said “Well, it shows”.

TMD.

Everyday...

Maybe I’m just in that state of mind again to think back to the past. Maybe it’s a combination of so many things that have happened to me lately… from things I watched, to books I read, to songs I’ve heard, or people I’ve spoken to…

I really liked so much of what Lisa Loeb wrote. The way she is able to draw pictures through her lyrics, or use her songs to paint a mood… Back in my JC days when she used to be quite popular, I used to listen to the few that I knew again and again… And as I grew up and my collection expanded, she inevitably had a song for just about any mood I was in.

I remember how this was one of three songs that I kept going back to every time I thought of Grace in the first 2 years of my break-up with her. I used to wonder what Lisa Loeb meant when she said “Love turned its back just to stand in my way”… after the break-up I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it at first.

Love turned its back on me three years ago, and even until this day that relationship continues to be what haunts me… the things that I’m now so scared of that I don’t think its possible for me to ever plunge into it again.

“How appropriate that the song is called ‘Everyday’”, I used to muse… since it literally was a thought that I obsessed over, every single day. My prayer back then was to ask God for just a 24 hr window where I could stop thinking abt it… I was so tired… and God knows how much more everyone around me was tired of hearing me on that same topic over and over again.

I sat down listening to a Ravi Zacharias sermon today, on the topic “Leadership Without Compromise”. Unexpectedly, he swerved into a testimony of how God allowed every single dream of his youth to crumble and disappear, at great personal cost and embarrassment to himself, only for him to look back in hindsight to see God’s guiding hand always keeping watch over him. He ends up with an encouragement to “all who are broken hearted, all who are hurting, and all who carry within themselves pain so deep they can never share”, saying that he now realizes “When God stops you dead in your tracks, and denies you whatever you have worked so hard at achieving, it means that He is not through with you.”

And this is what I hate about MRTs, because you sit facing each other. When you find a rush of tears threatening to come out, there’s no place to turn your face away, unlike on a bus. And I guess I was also very surprised by my own reaction. I thought I was over my recent spate of feeling sorry for myself. Apparently still waters run deep, albeit in the negative sense here. All my efforts to tell myself I have finally moved on sufficiently to cope with the reality of what my life has turned into has obviously backfired. Or at least, failed abjectly.

I guess sometimes the road to recovery takes a lot longer than what we ourselves project… and often times, recovery can only happen progressively, as the latent emotions we suppress are finally allowed to slowly rise back to the surface.

Either that, or I’m just feeling sorry again for myself. Simply ignore this post then.

Hehz…

Eternity In Our Hearts

Saw this memorial plaque at Tecman when I was down today, and the writing on it just somehow really captured me. Some of you have probably seen it before, but it was the first time for me.


The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The Chain will link again.


I stood there for quite a while… thinking… of what someone very dear shared with me recently just how much she dreaded the day her grandmother would depart from this earth, and how much she wishes she would receive Christ so that there’s a reunion in store for them. I thought of how that day by the sea at Sembawang Park I was thinking to myself how I would have reacted to the sudden loss of anyone so very dear to myself, and if I would be able to see past the grief to the reunion awaiting. And in those few seconds that felt like minutes as I stood there just soaking in the words on the plaque, I could picture in my head the different people whom I don’t think I could stand to lose… whom I would rather it had been me who had departed instead.

To makes things worse, the very recent passing of John Spencer of The West Wing, and the way they wrote that into the script itself again surfaced in my mind. I wondered abt Bartlett and the way they captured the grief of a president who lost his best friend… and then I asked myself just how much more the grief must be to have walked the greater part of my life with a few dear to me, and to suddenly feel the vacuum of their loss. Just leaving the country to study overseas proved to be Mission Impossible to me. What more the farewell that is for a lifetime.

Maybe its the fact that The West Wing has just screened its last episode ever that’s gotten me this way also… I’m just really sorry to see it go. Seven full seasons. And I really loved every single one of them.

I guess I was really very much captured by the plaque because it again reminded me that there is an eternal perspective to consider. That the chain now being slowly broken is being linked back together again on the other side of the world. And the work of the Christian is but to try and make sure as many people make it back again into that chain over there.

Weimin told me last night that "all things will work out in His time" to encourage me, when I was again back at my park. Unknown to her, its one of my favorite verses, from one of my favorite books. The full verse itself, coupled with what I read today on the plaque made the whole moment doubly poignant.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
-Ecclesiates 3:11

Eternity in our hearts. Everytime I can’t fathom what God’s doing in my life, I’m thankful for my restlessness with this life, because I know that deep inside my heart there is a longing for an eternity in store for me, far beyond my reach, and farther beyond my understanding.

Good Morning!!!! (Check The Posting Time)

It’s a really funny trait I have… that after every episode of euphoria that I experience, I inevitably sink into a state of melancholia. Maybe its because I realize I don’t have that special someone to share that joy with. Maybe its because I don’t think I deserve to be that happy. Maybe its because my instinct is to always prefer misery over joy. Or perhaps its simply because I quickly find that euphoria to be meaningless, and I realize I’m again back where I started in my quest to find a joy with substance.

And so it was for me tonight again, after watching Barcelona claw back from a goal down to finally claim the Champions League trophy, and after all the excitement from watching it at a friend’s place, I find myself soon enough driving away from there with all the excitement evaporating away fast. The emotional vacuum left behind by that really somehow got to me, and I somehow steered my way to Sembawang Park, by the sea… just to take a moment. I just didn’t feel like going home.

I always wonder that when Sinatra sang “My Way”, was it honesty, showmanship or bravado that made him declare “Regrets – I’ve had a few. But oh, too few to mention”. I was just reminded during the match that at the end of the day, it’s the winner who takes it all. The nice guy still finishes last. I walk off the face of the earth as a really good guy, but I still walked off it the way I came into it – by myself. All my ideals and the standards I set down for myself mean nothing at all if my life remains as inconsequential as it does now. In short, if I had lived a life as a cheap bastard who took to petty gains and indulged in selfish intents, there might have been a lot more to write of my life experience than what are on the pages of my life so far.

Maybe too many things around me recently made me again remember what I had lost, and made me wonder if it can ever be recovered. Maybe watching the last episode EVER of The West Wing has made me a tad too emotional and nostalgic tonight. Maybe I’m feeling really sad.

Or maybe I’m just really sad.

Grins.

Ah well.

I guess the most important thing to know is that Barcelona beat Arsenal 2-1.

Hehz…

Self-Scrutiny

******************************************
To answer your question from this afternoon:

Yes, I believe in the exclusivity of choice in finding one’s love. I believe that if I met a girl that I set my heart on, I would never be able to look another girl in the eye and tell her I love her… I would rather be alone without her. And I expect the same of the girl. She must also show that same inclination towards an exclusive commitment. So yes, I think my friend made the right decision when he decided not to pursue his relationship with that girl who was attached. Its become increasingly clear that she still doesn’t know what she wants, even though she is approaching marriage in less than half a year. I imagine him being in the shoes of the groom-to-be, and I shudder at how painful that marriage is going to turn out.

And yes, I know you keep telling me you believe in going after what we want in life… but I feel that if it’s a decision that has to be made by two, it isn’t as simple as that. Thus my consistently single status, and your… fluctuations. Grins.

Get over it la. I honestly think I’m better off than you.

At least, just tonight I do.

******************************************

I read finished “Out Of The Storm”, a book on Job. Yes, “Job” in the bible. I’m not getting desperate for a job. Hahahaha…

I think I really liked some of the things the author said… and how he managed to distill the poetry out of all 42 chapters, and put it into prose form inside the book… so that people like me who actually really loathe poetry can also appreciate the Book of Job.

I guess any writer would be hard-pressed to say anything good abt three of Job’s friends, who started with the good intentions of comforting Job, yet ended up dishing out their brand of theology against their perception of the self-righteousness of Job. The writer talked abt many Christians having a simplistic notion of how a just God will inevitably reward those who please him, and punish those who sin… and how there are those who extrapolate that, transforming it into the Prosperity Theology.

I sat there and started asking myself abt the other group of Christians that I’ve met in my life. They don’t have the expectation of God’s blessing and riches being poured out for obedience, but they expect our spiritual disciplines to inevitably reap tangible fruit. Thus, I’ve heard them claim before that they believe a blameless life is achievable in this lifetime, if they jealously guard their walk with God. My obvious discomfort stems from the confidence that even though they would protest how such a discipline is done by the strength of God, such a claim inevitably puts stock by how we are able to achieve what we set out to do, if we but try.

I personally tend to put a lot more stock by the habit of living under the grace and mercy of God.

However, these are Christians that I respect, that have a pretty well-balanced theology and wholistic approach to their faith. Yet such a spiritual severity leaves very little room for weaknesses, since the implicit rationale is that if you stumble, you do so because you are weak. (In fact, that was what the three friends had to say abt Job… that he was weak…)

There was a small part of Sunday’s sermon that comes to mind… where my pastor was talking abt how there is a tendency for people who set standards to ascertain spirituality, to end up with “spiritual pride”. This is when someone who sees himself on an elevated platform of spirituality, starts (consciously or otherwise) seeing how others are lacking in their approach to their faith. Such people tend to give one the feeling of inadequacy, that they are constantly being measured up on their “current state of spirituality”… thus I find myself watching what I say in front of them (for my proud person hates to be judged and found wanting), and becoming more and more unreal in front of them. Eventually I find that I’d rather cut away from them rather than feel like a hypocrite, which in a sense fulfils their projection of me as a person who never was interested in growth and so chose to avoid them.

Again I stress that these aren’t your pompous-assed Christians who trumpet how spiritual they are. These are leaders you find in every ministry, and this is a trait we’ll prob find to a certain degree in every one of us. Those who make such claims are also always quick to stress their own fallibility and sinfulness… yet its puzzling how their words and attitude continue to project the sense that they keep on remaining on their pedestals as they relate to others… So much so that I fancy they must distinguish themselves to be better than me, just lesser than God.

Ever met your fair share of such people? Bet you have.

I like what someone once said to me – true humility never speaks out against what they see… they let their quietly faithful acts of love speak for themselves.

I guess as more and more plans start to form for the Second Service, and my tendency to be a nay-sayer surfaces more and more, God has given up on subtlety when He put that book in my hands. It’s a clear enough reminder that I need to continue to offer solutions instead of offer up more problems… and to always “consider others better than self”…

My Mei Is ZE BEST!!!!!

Those wishing to apply, drop me an email with your name, number, and bank account balance!!!

Bring Me To Life

So much has been happening around me lately… everyone around me is either heart-broken, having a lot on their minds, finally allowing the hurts they’ve held back to surface, or else just plain exhausted. Me? I’m a little of everything, and also pretty much none of the above.

Seeing someone go through the first break-up in her life was… I dunno, in a way… cathartic. Watching and hearing her go through the same set of questions I asked myself repeatedly during my own break-up, it was like going through an epiphany, realizing that these really were the kind of questions people asked… that I wasn’t over-doing things when I took it so hard. So I guess it was cathartic in that seeing her go through the same struggle that I was asking myself every night, I could finally detach myself from that experience, and perhaps in doing so, peel off yet another layer of what still remains of my emotions and reactions towards Grace.

I think I like being around hurting people… I’ve always had a problem opening up abt what’s going on inside myself. Everytime I wanted to, I find that I either find it so trivial that I’m embarrassed to confess how it stirred such a strong emotion inside of me… otherwise I’m still very confused abt what exactly I’m feeling apart from just the fact that I know I’m hurting inside. Its also like this blog, where there’s so much more inside that I wanted to put down… but to do so would be like pulling oxygen molecules out of the air. I know they’re there, but I dunno how to extract it, and materialize it in a tangible form.

So as an alternative, being around hurting people teaches me to channel my hurts into something more useful, as I attempt to transform the hurt into an ability to empathize with what they go through, and to be able to let them know they are in the presence of someone who also grieves deep inside. Its prob one of the only times when I feel like I'm any good to anyone at all. Being around them also helps me to sort out for myself why there’s so much going on inside of me that I don’t understand. As they share abt what the feel, and they share abt their own struggles, it sometimes helps me to put a finger on what it is that I’m bothered with.

Remember how Solomon asked for wisdom when asked what is the one wish he had? He asked for wisdom… and I guess for me the next best thing would be to ask that I know better what it is that I really want. I seem to always vacillate between the things I want… and then remain utterly clueless the rest of the time, unable to figure out why I don’t seem to want anything else. I used to be so sure abt everything… from the school I wanted to attend, to the opinions I had on issues and people, even the girl I loved and wanted to marry. Ten years later I find myself in such a mess inside, increasingly unable to answer any question at all, be it what I want to do with my life, with ministry, and with my heart.

Sp I resort to letting life drift on day by day…

I tell myself somehow my job opportunities will surface and I will be employed. I end up doing very little, always unable to decide to do something since I can never be sure that such a job is something I’d want to do.

I tell myself my studies will eventually be over and done with, and get my degree. I then sit back and refuse to allow myself to think abt the path ahead of me, waiting for things to sort itself out eventually.

I tell myself I need to go easy on myself and not keep pandering so hard after a relationship… “if the right one comes along, then God-willing something will happen”, I tell myself. I therefore keep putting brakes on myself, in order to ensure that I don’t try to play God in picking a girl… and I end up just waiting and waiting, running away from any possibilities that might show up in front of me.

I tell myself my spiritual life is just going through a dry spell and that God has a reason for letting so much go on to, around and inside of me… So I sit back and will myself to bullishly refuse to think if its really a spiritual dryness I’m going through, or the result of the walls I’ve built that effectively shut God out of my life.

I tell myself that with all the troubles I’m going through, I will come out a better person if I but keep it together and not lose faith in God… not till lately have I started to question what that faith ought to look like, and how it should look so different from any misconceptions or pressumptions I might have had.

Its very tiring to face up to questions I’ve become conditioned to avoid, and even harder to even find back the questions I should be asking myself. In the meantime, the past few nights I’ve had reason to stay up in the dead of the night, and just take stock of things that’s going on inside of me… and sorting out the things I should learn to tell people instead of bottling it up, and the things that I think should remain unsaid. Nights like these are the things I missed the most when I was working… how it forced me to switch off a part of my life that takes place between 12 and 6 in the morning, where I try to get in touch or stay in touch with myself.

Ah well. I’m now taking a break after my intensive study period… but I need to break out of my shell and again face up to the world.

Its moments like these where I suddenly appreciate why death would be such a sweet release… and why it would be the highest form of cowardice.

How???

I was asked last night why is it that I don’t ever cry in front of people. And I guess except for the rare worship session or prayer session where I break down in tears, its true that no one has ever seen me cry… if Grace ever did, she can definitely count the number of times with just one hand.

I think its hard to answer that question… I have no problems crying when I’m alone… usually its in my room at abt 3 in the morning… couple of times I did it at the swing in my park… always when no one’s around, of course. Lots of things actually move me to tears when I’m alone, actually. I bawled all three times when I watched Les Miserables, and both times I caught Miss Saigon. And I also teared quite a bit when watching the Passion of Christ. I guess that’s abt as far as I’m willing to go, when it comes to crying in front of people – when people aren’t/can’t directly looking at me…

I’ve never been one to go open with my emotions, and what is it that I’m really struggling with… the things that I’m bitching abt are usually the superficial ones… not that they aren’t valid concerns that trouble me… (sometimes, they’re actually more valid than the things that bug me more, that are bothering me deep inside… Hehz..) The only time I really tell people what’s bugging me is if they spot it, and then ask me… In other words, I dun tell people things… I confess things.
Hahahahaha…

Ah well…

I was also asked how I react when I sense that a girl is coming on to me… Well, to be honest, I dun get that very often if at all la. Blame it on a low self-esteem (or mebbe a pretty accurate self-assessment), I think I’ve had less than 3 girls in my life who would have at some time in our friendship considered me as anything other than just a good friend. The other occasions were a lot more direct than that… the girls just came up straight to me and told me how they felt abt me. And every time it happened, I just lost my head and handled the whole thing very badly… In my defence, I think I hardly know them… so their sudden declaration really freaked me out… Hehz…

But I guess I really do have a problem. After my previous relationship, I told myself I’m not going go end up with someone I haven’t known very long, because its very easy to get into a relationship when you feel its right, but very hard to get out of one after realizing its wrong. In something so important, I’m not going to engage in an activity that is tantamount to gambling, with my heart and my feelings as stake.

BUT… I’m always reluctant to jeopardize a good friendship. After having crossed over into the realm of a commitment, it is impossible to rescind all that, and revert back to the state of being good friends… in other words, I’m equally unwilling to gamble when what’s at stake is a friendship I cherish

SO… I think I’m pretty screwed. The more I think she’s worth chasing as a life partner, the more I’m unwilling to risk losing her in my life altogether… Accepting it as “that’s the way it is” somehow just isn’t good enough for me. So until I figure out how to resolve this dichotomy, I guess a dog still remains my most viable alternative…

Of course, in my current state of inconsequential existence, without a job and without a degree, I would be the one reaping all the benefits whilst she’d be the one drawing all the short straws. It’s a bit hard to tell a girl how much I love her, whilst at the same time inflicting that on her. Grins.

Am I being too hard on myself? After all, I see people who just plunge into one and it seems to turn out alright. I mean, I don’t think I want to be in their shoes, but they seem to have stuck together all these years, and they seem to be able to live with the issues they have to deal with. Maybe its like what I said, we all choose to see what we want to see, and ignore what we don’t want to see, so that we get what we want.

And maybe that’ll be what happens to me also when I finally commit. Maybe all this rhetoric abt not compromising will soon enough be forgotten when I’m in a relationship. Hehz…

If that happens… someone stab me.

Please?

PRETTY Long Post... Be Warned.

Apparently, there've been those who thought that the kind hearted soul who told me that she would have fallen for me, just to make me feel better, was Weimin. Hahahaha... its not her, people. Wake up!!! I said "kind-hearted", did I not????? Grins

Anyway...

Ever felt the kind of pained helplessness when someone you love is hurting, and there is absolutely nothing you can do? Or the kind of helplessness you feel when someone you love is headed for a lot of hurt, but there’s nothing you can do to stop him or her?

The tendency is to always try to interfere… talk to the ones who is hurting, to spend time with them and be there for them… to speak words of encouragement to them, to help them see things your way so that they won’t take things so bad… Then you also try to talk to the other ones who are headed towards that same street, also trying to get them to see things your way, trying to help them avoid going through the pain which you can see coming their way, or else trying to pre-empt what going to happen by overcompensating with being nice for the present. Whether it be a disease that causes it, or BGR that is responsible for it, we all feel the very strong inclination to “do something about it”.

I guess that’s very normal, and at many levels it reflects a very noble sentiment of active concern. After all, there’s truth in the saying “action speaks louder than words”. But I guess sometimes its wiser to read that again carefully, and focus on the fact that words don’t do much, instead of fixating on how much we can do.

I remember sharing with a couple of people recently how stubborn we all are. Each one of us likes to fixate on the things we desire, and we end up hearing what we want to hear. Be it career paths, theological differences, choice of partners, or even diet preferences… we all think we’ve heard and given due consideration to what others have been trying to tell us… and we like to think we know what we’re doing. Thus the ever-popular expression we hear from just about everyone: “I don’t understand why I never saw it that way till now”. (Those who’ve never said that before are forced to pay the price for their myopia until they finally learn their lesson.)

I used to sit back at laugh at these “myopic” people, and quote my sister’s saying, that “stupidity has no cure”. Recently I realized that I too, have actually been guilty of it. Its humbling to suddenly see things the way your friends see it, and realize what an ass I’ve made of myself, assuming that I knew what I was doing when its so clear to their eyes that I don’t. Knowing that Fiona will never have eyes for me, I persist in holding out hope that she will eventually come round to the idea. I even tell myself that I’m willing to take what I can get, and compromise on everything I’ve told myself and many others, how lofty love should be like.

And for a long long time I used to love this chorus that went –

我可以一杯接着一杯
只为了你想要喝醉
在你迷蒙眼神里彷佛才有我的美
我可以一杯接着一杯
只要你留在我身边
就当做是一时气氛美也足够我
反复的回味

And it was only recently that I recognized how such a sentiment, though romantic, absolutely betrays the kind of standards that love should aspire to. How we never should compromise on what love should really be like. If loving me wholeheartedly for who I am and being able to identify with what I am is what love should be, then there is no room to settle for less, just in order to get what I want. That’s not love, that’s selfish desire.

And that’s foolishness.

Edmund recently told me that its obvious I haven’t been able to move on. And dammit, he’s right. “Taking my time” is just an excuse. I guess its time to stop being a fool, and not obsess anymore on what I desire.

But moving on is not easy, as someone very dearly loved is now finding out.

I was asked this question – In our attempt to love like Christ, we love out of ourselves- independent of the object of our affection to a certain extent (i.e. whether that person is worth it or not). So when that relationship is broken, where does that leave love? The one who truly loved knows that it is not possible to cease loving, so now what?

I used to ask that question too.

I guess its impossible to ever tell someone “so now what”… and be able to put down the next 21 states the person goes through before attaining total healing, and move on completely in a way that satisfies every consideration.

But what I’ve learnt is this – that actions have consequences. When we make a bad decision, we pay the price. Too many skipped lectures and you fail to earn your degree, and you lose your scholarship. Plunge headlong into a relationship against the better wishes and advice of those who really care, and you’ll find yourself dealing with the emotional scars that will last much longer than the 4 years you spent trying to make it work.

I guess the fact is we don’t always move on. Some lesser hurts might be forgotten in due time, only stirring so slight a reaction when reminded that we are able to shrug it off as inconsequential. Some hurts will remain, and we bear scars from it that we can never forget or get over… until heaven.

We’re fragile people… and so is our love. The last thing we need to do is make things ten times harder for ourselves, cheapening it by giving it away too easily and then having to pay the price by bearing the scars it leaves us with.

Maybe that’s why I still love very passionately, but am so afraid of ever committing. The hurt you feel when you see someone you desire ending up with someone else is much lesser than the hurt you will go through when you run headlong into “giving it a shot”, and then run out of the whole saga with your heart being broken yet again, and more inside of you dying a little each time.

I recently suddenly remembered one song that just about perfectly sums up the only question that keeps coming to mind whenever I think of taking another shot at a relationship.

一颗心交给谁
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去会不会后悔?
爱情的边缘一次又一次徘徊。
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去能不能收回?
付出了感情只怕换来是伤悲。

过去我为爱流过泪,
现在已锁上我心扉,
孤单和寂寞习惯陪我心沉睡。
是否该抛开是与非,
再爱一次也无所谓,
自从遇见你仿佛已经忘了我
忘了我是谁。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
迷惑的眼睛已分不清对不对。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
一颗心交给谁?

- 伍思凯

I’ve been accused before of having a harmful impact on relationships by my negative comments. And maybe its true that what I say really doesn’t help make things better. But I guess in my defense the worst I can be accused of, is accelerating the process that leads to the inevitable outcome… Because the helplessness that I mentioned at the start of this post proves to me that at the end of the day, we ourselves are responsible for where we end up… no matter what others say, we will never see things their way, until in the deep recesses of our own minds we finally see what others have always been seeing.

I guess at the end of the day, that helplessness is a good thing… because it forces us to be reminded that at the end of the day, there is nothing that we can do except through prayer, and nothing we can’t do with prayer.

Ah well. So much for all the relationship nightmares that are springing out every corner imaginable…

All that drivel about relationships aside... I’m actually happy that PAP won the elections. Tee hee. I know many people like Diana will explode when their read this. But at the end of the day, I vote for who can do the job. And when I survey the opposition, I think I’m ultimately still glad that the ones I think are more capable are the ones running the show.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy is leaving Old Trafford, and good riddance too, I might add. I’ve always been a sucker for loyalty… but for a player who shows an ego that is bigger than the club and spares no consideration for team ethics, I think they deserve to be shipped.

England’s not going to make it into even the quarter finals of the World Cup. Erikssson chose 4 strikers… one with a broken foot, one still recovering from a broken foot… one who only scored 7 goals all season, and the last one who is only 17 and hasn’t played a Premiership game before. I’m tempted to bet on the English goalkeeper scoring more goals than the 4 strikers combined.

Happy Birthday Henry!!!!

Hehz...

To think that I've known him for so many years, but only really started sharing and talking with each other through a common experience of being deeply hurt. I guess being one of the rare few within my inner circle of friends who doesn't read my blog, I really don't tell him enough just how much he's come to mean to me in my life, as a role model of integrity, steadfastness, humility and gentleness.

But anyway, whether he reads this or not, Happy Birthday Henry!!!!

Let's Talk Abt Love... Yet Again. Grins.

I had a conversation today that went something like this –

Her: Well, I guess love is blind then.
Me: Hey, I’m counting on love to be blind, actually. Only way I’ll get a girl to fall for me.
Her: Honestly, if I weren’t attached, I might just end up falling for you.

Hehz… my ego trip of the day. Bless that girl’s heart, willing to risk the wrath of God by telling me a lie like that, just to make me feel better.

Just wanted to have something good to say abt my day.

There’s more. Grins.

I actually had a really good time this evening.

I went back to CK’s cell. I always have this very strong urge to beg off before I drag myself there, but I inevitably end up having a very good time there everytime. So on my way back I started to think abt my other cell group, and how I curiously have exactly the opposite experience. I go there without any need for urging, but I inevitably end up feeling more tired after cell than I do before. And ironically, both cell groups’ bible study has been pretty sterile for some time now.

CK’s cell group’s bible study is so murky and disorganized, I’ve seen spontaneous coffee-shop table talk abt the bible with more intent and purpose. Weiqi’s cell group, on the other hand, tends to fall into the opposite extreme, being so caught up with getting the right answers across, that I feel like I’m attending lessons on menstrual biology and being asked to apply it in my own life as a male specimen of the human race.

So what makes me tick inside CK’s cell?

I remember Henry sharing with me more than once, that the kind of relational giving that is so evident in CK’s cell is the legacy of Wanxian. How she modeled for the whole cell group what it means to give selflessly at the expense of self, to love those around her with the love of Christ. Just talk to Ann about cell group for 15 minutes, and I’ll bet my life that she’ll share with you the testimony of how Wanxian was the one who showed her that Christ’s love is real. I used to sit there and marvel at Ann’s recounting… asking myself (for all the concern that I think I’m exerting myself to show to those I care for) whom do I know who will be able to testify to others that I have similarly been Christ’s ambassador of love to them. And I am humbled by just far off the mark I am, when it comes to loving people the way Christ would have wanted me to.

1 Cor 13:7 – “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Love is patient, love is kind... so the passage starts. But if it does not “always hope” nor “always persevere”, then I suppose it might as well not have been kind nor patient to begin with. I dread to think of the people in my life that I have lost my faith in through impatience or repeated disappointments… telling myself how he or she isn’t worth my time and I shd move on and engage my time more efficiently and fruitfully. (After all, we are called to be good stewards of the time God gave us, so I convince myself.) And even though I think in that instance I had a legitimate justification for ignoring him, Jackson actually does come to mind.

If Wanxian had decided to move on and leave Ann to her obstinate refusal to listen to counsel, Ann would not be around in church today. And there would have been no legacy in CK’s cell.

You know, anybody who comes into Weiqi’s cell group with a checklist of what a cell group ought to have and the standard it ought to measure up to, the cell will have no problem passing the review. Yet somehow I suspect that CK’s cell group will win hands-down if both cells were asked to provide testimonies of how their cell group has been a pillar of strength to them in their times of need… emotionally, spiritually, and especially practically.

And the lesson I learnt from this… is a brand new appreciation of how cheap talk really is. All of us at Weiqi’s cell spoke of how we think we want to see more commitment taking place, so that we can grow deeper and share more openly. We all could give very concrete examples of what we think a good cell group should be. Yet when asked to state our commitment, everyone of us gave the most generic answers we could think of, to beg off having to pay the price. Our core group within the cell came up with a lot of good ideas of the things we need to do in order to improve the cell… yet nobody was willing to offer more of his or her own time – we sit there hoping someone else will volunteer their time… and when no one does, we think of arrowing someone outside of the core group to do the dirty work.

I turn to Henry and Bernice, and I see two people who stick to their principles, and walk their talk. They don’t talk big. They delight in the very simple and basic. But they match it up with their full commitment. I’ve never once heard them begrudge someone else for not offering their time, saying something like “If only he’ll be less involved in this and that, he’ll have plenty of time to serve and help out in this.” Instead, they quietly set out to just do the best they can, and model what servanthood should look like. Which is why I am always so humbled whenever I serve beside the two of them.

Identifying what’s wrong and pointing out who or what’s to blame for it is really the cheapest gift Christians have today. I know. I’ve used that ‘gift’ often enough. And maybe that’s why I’m starting to grow a deeper appreciation for people around me who just quietly do the best that they can, and leave the big talk to others.

After all, that’s what servants do, isn’t it?

Let's Talk About Love... Again. Grins.

Ever heard of the question “Can God make a rock so big that He can’t lift it up”? Or something to that effect? I used to get that all the time. And like the fool that was, I was actually seriously troubled by that question. In my understanding of God, He was omnipotent. So surely He could do it. Thus I replied that “He could – just that He chose not to”. I walked away, satisfied that I had defended God sufficiently – only to be called a moron. And now I see why.

As I grew older, and understood who God really was, I began to appreciate that even He has “limits”. There are many things He can’t do. He can’t do evil. He can’t hate what is good. He can’t be unjust. So of course not being able to create a stone that will make a fool of Him will go under that same list of things He can’t do. Not being able to do those things doesn’t limit Him, doesn’t mean He’s not omnipotent. Not being able to do those things are simply the result of Him being who He is.

And when I finally saw that, I was amazed at how I needed to re-think and re-look at my concept of God. I realized that my understanding of God needs to take on a new level of complexity, where I see things from more than just one dimension.

So naturally, when I’m thinking abt the greatest attribute of God, I need to apply that same paradigm shift.

Someone declared to me tonight that “love conquers all”. Although in context it was said in jest, I started wondering abt the truth of that statement. Is it true? Can the greatest attribute of God be counted upon to prevail against the greatest of setbacks and obstacles? So that I can sincerely use that as an apology when conventional wisdom tells me that differences whether in temperament, background, culture, education or even affluence can kill off a relationship? So that I can even justify to myself what the Bible teaches abt being unequally yoked, and hope that in due course love will prevail… that the love between the couple will somehow bring abt a resolution where the greater Love of God will triumph?

I used to be a believer.

Now I’m not so sure.

Examples of love conquering all are few and far between, measured up against the myriad of examples that chronicle the doomed attempt at love between such different parties. It would seem more like a special dispensation of grace from God that allows these extraordinary examples to exist on earth, almost as a reminder that there is a greater love out there than what we mere mortals are capable of. Otherwise, love itself, is also subject to wisdom and reason.

The grounds for expecting that love is capable of failure under certain circumstances is thus not unreasonable, nor does it lessen the power of love. It should not diminish the romance and idealism of it either. It ought to enhance it, knowing that in actuality there really isn’t a clash at all between the heart and the mind. They both have an equally important part to play, so that love can be whole and complete, not lacking in anything.

“Love conquers all”, so often something we like to chant as a mantra, in this sense becomes like the question of God and the rock. It is guilty of a deliberate immaturity that avoids the tough questions that genuine love will have to address. And in that sense, it is also guilty of blaspheming what love really is, a blasphemy against God Himself, who is Love. Love is hard work. It is about being able to put everyone above self. It is about long cold nights spent thinking of what it expects and entails. It is about making the tough decisions and doing what is right. And love needs to be properly dignified with the weighted considerations that allows what we hold the dearest to our hearts to be exposed to the test of scrutiny, to be tried and not found wanting.

Only then can we honestly look at ourselves and be able to love unreservedly and unabashedly.

And guess what – if you ever find someone who can walk beside you and stand up to such a test, treasure him or her. Because such a love is really one-in-a-billion.

So think carefully, the next time you think you have what it takes to love, and to commit to someone.

Expects Of Love

(Hehz... so it was a lame pun. Sue me.)

And so I was musing to myself tonight as I was driving back home…

When does an affection for someone spill over into an overt attraction? And when does liking someone turn into loving someone?

A girl once told me before she rebuffed a guy who declared to her how passionately he loves her. “You don’t even know me that well” was her dismissal. She ain’t the first to do so, just as he ain’t the first guy to have told a girl so, only to be sent packing.

So how?

I was also reminded very very recently that one needs to be very careful when promising a girl the moon, or even just promising her his undying devotion, because girls take that stuff very seriously. When you fail to measure up to what you carelessly pledged in the heat of passion (harmlessly, so you thought), it matters a great deal to her, and has the power to hurt her very deeply when you fail to live up to it.

So how do I go up to a girl and declare the depths of my affection, without ever coming out as a liar? Telling her I “like’ her sounds woefully inadequate, yet it seems that if I tell her how much I “love” her, I would find that soon enough my actions are woefully inadequate to justify the use of such a strong word. As Ravi Zacharias once declared before, the word “love” has become one of the most used and abused epithet.

No wonder they say love is a trap.

Hehz…

I suppose that’s why they also say “love” is a leap of faith. Because persuaded as we might have been in the sincerity and genuineness of our professed love and devotion, we can never know for sure if we really meant it. Conversely, when our partner gives us that same promise, we are left in grave doubts as to whether or not he or she was being at best overly-confident, or at worse merely glib.

The one who truly loves would usually be the one who most acutely feels his or her inability to live up to the ramifications it entails. That would serve as the excuse for some who tell their partners they don’t dare to say they love them. Perhaps that’s the road Grace took, the excuse behind why she would tell me she never could decide if she loved me.

Yet somehow the “nobility” of that sentiment is tainted by the sense that it is a cop-out of what love really is. Our inability to absolutely live up to our avowal of love is no reason to therefore run away from the burden of committing to try. I would say that true love carefully and responsibly considers the implications, makes the promise to love, then spends the rest of its life trying again and again to live up to that promise.

Hard work?

You bet.

That’s why the nature of love is to be self-abasing. To borrow it out of context, love always says “you must increase, and I must decrease”. To run away from the courage one needs to make such a promise ironically ends up hurting the most deeply, the very one whom the person originally intended protect from let down expectations.

I guess if I ever do summon the courage to fall in love again, I would rather risk the disappointment of a love that at times fail to match up to my expectations, rather than to be hurt again by a relationship rendered sterile by the lack of courage to commit.

In other words, I think when I go after a girl, I’d tell her “I love you” instead of “I like you”.

Grins.

Hopefully when I do so, I won’t be sent packing.

Whether its by her, or by… erm… him.

Wuahahahaha…

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e.cummings

Only Words

Couldn’t sleep last night. Had the same bad dream over and over again for almost the whole night. Wasn’t a nightmare, per se, but just one of those dreams that disturbs you no end.

Ever heard a song and felt like it was tailored for you? That down to its very last word, it seemed to be talking about you and what’s going on in your life? I’ve loved many songs, and identified with even more… but songs like what I just described comes along only once in too many years… but when it does, you never get sick of listening to it, marveling at how the writer seemed to have brought out just about everything you were unable to properly and succinctly sum up. To add music to the words just gave it an effect that magnified its impact a hundred times more.

I suck with words. People who think I’m glib usually say so based on the impression of confidence that I like to project in order to hide my actual deficiency with them. But at least I have a barely adequate appreciation of it. Or perhaps its really because I’m so bad with them that I get so enthralled by what I perceive to be very beautifully strung together words and phrases, especially in lyrical form.

Whatever the case.

I wish I could write better…

Hehz…

In the meantime, all I can do is marvel at those whom I make out to be good writers, and delight in their works.