Everyday...

Maybe I’m just in that state of mind again to think back to the past. Maybe it’s a combination of so many things that have happened to me lately… from things I watched, to books I read, to songs I’ve heard, or people I’ve spoken to…

I really liked so much of what Lisa Loeb wrote. The way she is able to draw pictures through her lyrics, or use her songs to paint a mood… Back in my JC days when she used to be quite popular, I used to listen to the few that I knew again and again… And as I grew up and my collection expanded, she inevitably had a song for just about any mood I was in.

I remember how this was one of three songs that I kept going back to every time I thought of Grace in the first 2 years of my break-up with her. I used to wonder what Lisa Loeb meant when she said “Love turned its back just to stand in my way”… after the break-up I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it at first.

Love turned its back on me three years ago, and even until this day that relationship continues to be what haunts me… the things that I’m now so scared of that I don’t think its possible for me to ever plunge into it again.

“How appropriate that the song is called ‘Everyday’”, I used to muse… since it literally was a thought that I obsessed over, every single day. My prayer back then was to ask God for just a 24 hr window where I could stop thinking abt it… I was so tired… and God knows how much more everyone around me was tired of hearing me on that same topic over and over again.

I sat down listening to a Ravi Zacharias sermon today, on the topic “Leadership Without Compromise”. Unexpectedly, he swerved into a testimony of how God allowed every single dream of his youth to crumble and disappear, at great personal cost and embarrassment to himself, only for him to look back in hindsight to see God’s guiding hand always keeping watch over him. He ends up with an encouragement to “all who are broken hearted, all who are hurting, and all who carry within themselves pain so deep they can never share”, saying that he now realizes “When God stops you dead in your tracks, and denies you whatever you have worked so hard at achieving, it means that He is not through with you.”

And this is what I hate about MRTs, because you sit facing each other. When you find a rush of tears threatening to come out, there’s no place to turn your face away, unlike on a bus. And I guess I was also very surprised by my own reaction. I thought I was over my recent spate of feeling sorry for myself. Apparently still waters run deep, albeit in the negative sense here. All my efforts to tell myself I have finally moved on sufficiently to cope with the reality of what my life has turned into has obviously backfired. Or at least, failed abjectly.

I guess sometimes the road to recovery takes a lot longer than what we ourselves project… and often times, recovery can only happen progressively, as the latent emotions we suppress are finally allowed to slowly rise back to the surface.

Either that, or I’m just feeling sorry again for myself. Simply ignore this post then.

Hehz…