Closure

“I don’t get it. Why would such a person like him have any friends?” So I overheard on the MRT today. The person in question was bitching abt her over-bearing boss, who apparently takes any and everyone to town when he’s in a bad mood, regardless of whether that person is an employee, or just the helpless courier service uncle in his sixties.

I was letting that phrase turn in my head a few times, since it obviously set off a few echoes in my head abt something I said not too long ago.

I guess we all have our own nemesis, someone (or someones) whom we’d dearly love to see amongst the charred remains of an accident we read abt in the papers. That person whom you wish would choke and die on his or her own saliva the very next time you see them talking.

And naturally, we’d all wonder how such a person could retain any friends at all. I remember wondering abt a friend I had, who was with a real bastard guy, and I’d sit down and wonder at how blind love must be, if she could not see that she was dating a louse. (She married him last year, as a matter of fact.) Then also, I had another friend who would make up excuses to defend her boyfriend whenever he beat her up. Love isn’t just blind – its also brainless, so I realized.

I was asked some time this year abt how I’m doing when it came to bearing grudges. I guess there’s no prizes for guessing what springs to mind. People used to groan and tell me its time to move on, and that I shd just stop being so petty. And I used to find it so hard to resolve it within myself, why it still rankles when I think of it. I expected much better of myself.

And so it was that I had a mini-epiphany, and realized what I should do. I was surprised it took me so long to come to it - It rankles me cos I never understood how such a person could still have friends. It was an unfair expectation I had of others that kept me from letting go.

On my part, I only saw the way he treated me, and so I expected everyone to react to him the way I did. After all, if that’s how he truly was, why can’t people see the hypocrisy of his ways? And so each time people seemed to be on good terms with him, it galled me that they still chose to not see the folly of their ways.

On their part, they never did experience his treatment of me for themselves, and had no way of understanding the impact it had on me. So when people starting to talk to me abt letting go, it really pissed me off. I mean, you go and try telling a rape victim that her rapist is actually a pretty decent guy, and 3 years is a long time to bear a grudge…

When I could finally identify for myself what was bothering me, I guess I finally could lay to rest the whole nonsense and put it behind me. All I need to do is to stop having these unfair expectations of others to react to him the way I do. And to stop talking to people abt him, so that I avoid the situation where people piss me off for trying to play counselor to a problem they dun understand.

Haha… Ah well. So… as Lent approaches its end, and as I sit back and reflect on one of the most significant chapters of my life, I guess its time to finally close it.

Next major project is to get myself a discipler, and to find time to have regular bible study. I’ve been pretty slack for a long time now, esp when it comes to reading the bible… need to start getting myself in order again.