Distance

I used to wonder why is it that when people grow up, they will eventually distance themselves from church, and from friends. I see my parents’ generation, and how they’re all hard-pressed to find a confidante they can go to. And I wonder if its because they’ve not had the kind of childhood I’ve had, or could it have been something else.

“是否成人的世界背后，总有残缺”

I guess after some time, I begin to see why.

I’ve seen friendships sour when one party decides to cut off ties, I’ve seen friendships deteriorate when both parties change their opinions of each other, and I’ve seen partnerships dissolve when one or both parties pick on each other.

The tragedy often lies with how the parties involved have no idea of the damage they’re doing to the relationship, till its too late. After that, what’s left is the sullen silence, followed by the inevitable estrangement.

Often times, I muse to myself that the aftermath of a sullen estrangement is worse off than the indifference of two strangers, esp in a church. So perhaps there is a little wisdom to be found in not being too open with others.

It seems that very few people can take the open-ness of others. Cos when I’m open with you, I will very inevitably impose on you. And sooner rather than later, I will tread on one or several of your sensitivities. That ends up creating the rather awkward situation where you are torn between letting me know how you feel (and look like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill), or slowly storing up inside yourself, a list of pent up frustrations abt my relating to you. Of course, it means that at the same time I’m storing up pent-up frustrations abt you.

And all this while, we’re deluding ourselves abt the glorious friendship that we enjoy, and how lucky we both are to have each other.

And we don’t know that the stage has already been set for the unavoidable fallout.

As the friendship grows, so does the assumptions we have of each other, that we have a decent understanding of the other party. We are comfortable sharing with each other things abt ourselves that we normally would not reveal to others. And sometimes in the course of doing so, again things come out that we can’t really accept abt each other, which we try to write off.

Somewhere along the line, these pent-up emotions find a release in some incident where we blow up at each other, which we afterwards mistakenly treat as “conflicts which are an inevitable part of deepening friendships”. By not correctly identifying what is really going, we only end up papering over the cracks that are showing up in the friendship.

Repeat this process several times, and we have two people with a lot of pent up frustration that releases itself in outburst… and two people who start questioning why the friendship can’t seem to get out of such a rut. Such unresolved questions eventually causes us to grow tired of the relationship, and to stop trying so hard at it. “Don’t try so hard, and avoid the conflicts. It doesn’t seem to get resolved, and I’m tired of it”, we tell ourselves.

So we start giving the other person less and less priority, thinking that the less confrontations would actually help the friendship, as well as preserve the peace you crave. If done tactfully, then with a great deal of luck the friendship gets preserved. All too often, the inevitable outcome is that one party realize she’s been left behind, and reacts to the hurt instead of asking why.

Sullenness ensues.

Followed by estrangement.

As a sixteen year old, I keenly felt the hurt of a friendship that left me hanging. I can only imagine how much more a friendship over the years now would deliver a fatal blow towards my faith in openness and friends. So maybe my sister’s mantra of “let people get close to you, but don’t open up yourself too much to others” is not really a bad thing after all.

Up close, no one can look good. And when so many of us think we can handle openness when we actually can’t, many of us take on more than we can handle. The damage that results often many times more than the good it once generated.

So all you out there who once encouraged openness in friendships, think carefully about what it is you’re asking.

And when even friendships alone are like this, I shudder to imagine the devastation we have amongst us when we think abt the marriages that must be in shambles.