Distance

"I've never found a companion as companionable as solitude." – Henry David Thoreau

Ever heard someone say to you before that "misery loves company"? I think that's a very misleading statement. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what its getting at, and I agree with the sentiment completely. But it's quite different from what I'm gonna be talking about.

I think... pain was never meant to be something shared. Its too personal, too exclusive to the person involved. My loss will never be understood by you, and your pain will always be seen on the outside by me. The best I'll be able to do is to share the burdens that your loss causes. Just like how you'll never be able to truly understand the depth of my pain, and where I'm coming from.

Happiness is so much easier to share, since its much easier to vicariously bask in someone else's' triumph, and partake of another's glory.

I finished reading the last Harry Potter book... and it just struck me that in a book that basically unraveled all the mysteries of the previous 6 books put together, the disclosures were mostly all about the hurt and pain that were borne alone by the different characters. Dumbledore, Snape and Harry – bound by a common tacit agreement between them that their suffering would not have been met agreeably by society – even those closest to them. Thus, instead of increasing their heavy burdens with the need to justify their hurts, it was the more practical and merciful option that they chose to hide it from everyone else.

There were plenty around them who helped to bear their burdens, especially Harry – for whom many died protecting him... but ultimately there's no denying that aside from Voldemort himself, the 3 loneliest characters in the book remain the 3 most pivotal characters of the entire series – Harry, Snape and Dumbledore.

My point being?

Maybe its that the last book leaves me with a lot of regrets... emotions stirred up by it, feeling sorry that we've more or less seen the last of Hogwarts and that lightning scar of the Boy-Who-Lived. Perhaps its just things that have happened around me that served as a trigger, both consciously as well as subconsciously. Or perhaps its just the weather turning a little dreary.

But anyway, it seems that even so many years after what has happened, and despite all that I've tried to say abt the issue, I've come to personally realize that other people will always be people on the outside looking in, with their own take on matters, devoid of the sort of personal experience that only I have. In fact, each time I mention it now, I become the victim once again, being castigated as one who has failed to move on. Much easier to keep it inside, since its not helping anyone anyway.

Worse thing is, I know that if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing, picking open another's scar, then pouring salt on the wound all over again. I know. I've done that. Rather than doing it to another again, I think I'd prefer sticking to sharing someone joy instead.

The price to pay for sharing one's burdens is just a bit too high, since I'll never know when I'm actually wrenching another person's soul in the name of what I always thought would be good for that person. I don't have that kind of wisdom.

Transformers!!!

Nopes. Nothing abt them amazing boyhood heroes of mine... but its really funny how the lyrics of the song for Henry and Bernice's wedding started and how it ended up...

Its a duet... blue is the male's part, red is the lady's part. Black means sing together.

Version 1:

你从缠绕丝弦中走来，像一把温柔低音，回旋在我心愿中
你从零乱音符里走来，如一首轻盈小调，萦绕在我守候里
终日祈求成韵，思念也成曲

每当我心中飘荡起 点点凌乱愁绪，总会落在你的表情里
每当我眉宇间凝着 一出小小悲剧，总会上演在你心里
但愿忧伤只是人生的小插曲
请你放心（女：我会放心），一生相守才是主旋律

我藏着一辈子的相思，
只为了这一天，我能把一辈子的相思都套在你的无名指；
我留着一辈子的心事，
只为了这一生，我能用一辈子的心事染白你的发丝

愿把袮放在心上如印记...
戴在臂上如戳记...
因爱永不止息

Penned by Weilun, of course... the first draft was so unreadable that even my mom was struggling a little with it... This was unilaterally rejected by all who read it as unfeasible... thus chasing Weilun back to the drawing block to come up with a new draft.

Version 2:

主啊，我感谢袮
袮不愿意看我在世孤单独处
袮创造她做我肉中肉骨中骨
我今把承诺套在她的无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

虽然未来有风雨
也有失意的小插曲
且让一生赞美袮
且让一世称谢袮
成为我俩人生的主旋律

主啊，我感谢袮
在我人生漫长空白的五线谱
袮让她成为美丽跳跃的音符
每次弹弄琴键是感恩的诗篇
每次拨动琴弦就诉说你恩典

纵然年岁如流沙
任凭这世界常变化
至于我和我的家
至于我和我的她
我们必定要事奉耶和华

This was seen as a much better improvement by those who read it, and so we provisionally acepted this draft. Weilun said he's not too satisfied with it, so he said he'll work on it some more and come up with his final draft.

Version 3:

袮说我独居不好需要个帮手
袮创造她做我骨中骨肉中肉
我今把承诺套在她的无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

袮牵我手悄然领我到他面前
他的惊喜牵动我初绽的眷恋
从此他把我放在心上如印记
亦如把我戴在臂上如戳记

仿佛凌乱的音符跃然成曲
爱不止息是一生的主旋律
每一次弹弄琴键是一首感恩的诗篇
每一次拨动琴弦是一段委身的誓言

袮深爱我们不离不弃
愿结为一体相随相依
纵然年岁稍纵即逝如流沙
任凭世界沧海桑田多变化

至于我和我的家
至于我和我的她
我们必定要事奉耶和华

So this was the final version that I was given by Weilun, before he left for China on a short trip.

We started writing the song after he's back, we worked on the melody together...and after trying damn hard to squeeze ths lyrics into a melody, we made some revisions here and there and this is the final product that we put up on 30th June 2007...

Final Version:

袮深爱我
袮说我独居不好需要个帮手
袮从我肋骨深处造她做我配偶
我今把承诺套在她无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

袮牵我手悄然领我到他面前
他的惊喜牵动我初绽的眷恋
从此他把我放心上如印记
亦如把我戴在臂上如戳记

袮深爱我们不离不弃
愿结为一体相随相依
纵然年岁稍纵即逝有如流沙
凭世间沧海桑田多变化

至于我和我的家
至于我和我的他
我们必定要事奉耶和华

仿佛凌乱的音符跃然成曲
爱不止息是一生的主旋律

Talk about Transformers...

Butterfly Brain

I just realized that with my pastor Lijuan's wedding this weekend, the prolonged spate of weddings in my church has finally come to a bit of close...

I always wanted to post abt Henry and Bernice's wedding 2 weeks ago, but never had any inspiration, and decided to postpone it instead of rambling.

But I'm still stuck. So I shall just commit such an event to the memory of this blog, and state that Henry and Bernice were married 2 weeks ago on the 30th of June 2007.

There.

Grins.

Ah well.

So there I was, thinking abt how glad I was that the weddings have finally come to an end... and how everyone can finally take a break and feel like they have more time to themselves over the weekends... and this song popped up into my head.

Butterfly Kisses
Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in hair
"Walk beside the pony Daddy
It's my first ride
I know the cake looks funny Daddy
But I sure tried"
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman the other part girl
To perfume and make-up ribbons and pearls
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"You know how much I love you Daddy
But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time"
With all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night

All the precious time
Oh like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the bride room just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl"
Then she leaned over and gave me

Butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle Daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?
Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses

I couldn't ask God for more than this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses

I still can remember the first time I heard this song... Class 95's Morning Express was still hosted by Joe Agustine and the Flying Dutchman. And It was FD, I believe... who introduced this song when it first came out. He kept going on abt this new song he was gonna play later that totally took his breath away and left him in tears... I was in the car on my way to school. (That roughly makes this song 11 yrs old, actually... Hehz...) And so when it was finally played on the radio, it really moved me as well.

Not just because of the lyrics that were penned, but the fact that a father would actually write such a song for his daughter...

See, Bob Carlisle wrote this song for his daughter, to be used at her wedding. Thing is - he wrote this for her after she was born, and kept it until her wedding day to sing it. How many fathers do you know would do this for their daughters??? (I kept telling myself I wanna do something liddat... but looking at the only 2 songs I've ever written in my life so far, I'm guessing I should stay away from song-writing, if nothing else then for my daughter's sake. Hahahahaha...)

Anyway, this post is the result of a few factors... a desperate lack of sleep, my demented and senile father who has again gone ballistics on my poor suffering mom, and the weddings that are taking place. The lack of sleep obviously resulted in my malfunctioning brain drawing a link between the events, and thus lumping it all together.

Ah well.

If nothing else, enjoy this song, guys.

Twists

Every year that passes, I see more and more the significance of praising God for being unchanging. Each passing year, I see just how transient anything can be… For all that I bitch and moan abt my life going nowhere and being stagnant, the amount of change in my life in the past year alone, has been staggering. Looking at the changes around me as well, and I am amazed at how fast everything can change. Some people got together, others broke up, yet even more got married… Britain changed a new PM, my church Second Service changed a new pastor, and Manchester United have bought a whole new team!!!

Hehz…

But seriously… looking back on the past year, I find that the only other time God has been this real to me, was when I lost just about everything I had, and experienced the reality of God being my all in all. This time round, I look back on all the change I see, and I experience as a tiny epiphany, how unchanging God is… how comforting that can be, and how its something I praise Him for. Change can be such a scary thing… uncertainty always brings insecurity… I finally appreciate why I sing that God is my anchor.

How apt too, that at this point in time, my cell group is covering the book of Ecclesiastes, waxing eloquently about how transient life is, and how inconsequential everything in life actually works out to be. Makes me think of the song Henry introduced to me, “When Its All Said And Done.”

I remember one night doing my quiet time and listening to this song…. And breaking down in my room as I prayed for God to take away my desire for such transient things. After my spectacular failure in life, the urge to make up for lost time very naturally translated into the race to hoard the earthly and material possessions that the world uses to benchmark one’s life – money, career, family, accomplishments…

And that night when God took that song and just jammed it down my throat and into my heart, I broke down because I felt His rebuke to me, chastising me for the way my heart had become. I was bitter, and eager to prove all those who wrote me off to be wrong… I wanted to earn back all that I lost, and more, so I can shove it in their faces. God rammed a different message down my face that night.

Looking back now… I am not sure how I am different. But that song continues to remain a favorite with me. It reminds me to watch the things I do, to keep in mind the bigger picture of how my life should be…

A good reminder to have on this birthday, as I again take stock of what lies ahead of my life… as I make plans and as I re-assess the things I want in my life… If what really matters is whether or not I have done my best to live for Truth, then that needs to figure quite prominently…

St. Francis of Assisi once said, “Preach the gospel always… and if necessary, use words.”

My birthday prayer for this year is that I learn to preach the gospel with my life… that everywhere I go, I will love Jesus so much that people around me can see that I am His disciple. (Perhaps then, I can legitimately get away with saying that I’m doing relational evangelism instead. Grins.)

Big wish? Sounds lofty and pompous? It’s the same simple wish that I made as a kid.

Looks like despite all the things around me that are changing, what really needs to change still hasn’t.

*sigh*

I need to grow UP. Not grow OLD.

Help.

(Speaking of growing up, I just watched Transformers. L-O-V-E-D it!!!!)