How Do I Say...

Communication is hard. It should be distinguished from "getting through to people".

When you're merely communicating, you're doing no more than relaying an idea, without any consideration wih regards to consequences. To get through to a person requires hard work, wisdom, creativity, patience and a whole lot of love.

Allow me to elaborate.

A good preacher doesn't speak on the pulpit like he's reading off a Bible commentary. A Bible commentary is a tool that merely communicates either a truth, or an opinion, or a fact. A preacher needs to get through to his audience. Thus, he needs to take into account a lot of other factors - context of the audience, culture of the place, maturity of the listeners, and also sensitivity to the general mood at large, just to name a few. If you are one of those loud-mouthed speakers who believe that as long as you're preaching from the Bible, then God is surely behind you - you usually end up communicating your point across, but leaving everyone angry, offended and altogether worse off than before you had spoken. In other words, you failed to get through to your audience. A well-crafted message that puts in the due process of figuring out what's the best way to get your point through is ultimately what needs to be done, in order to build people up and be constructive.

But getting through to people is pretty much a lost art, isn't it? Parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, casual friends, colleagues, brothers and sisters in church... etc, we're all so good at communicating, but suck at getting through to each other. We think that as long as what we say is right, then we've done nothing wrong, and said nothing wrong.

"I'm not nagging, I'm just suggesting/reminding".

"I'm not judging you, but I'm just stating a fact."

"I'm not being negative here, but I'm just showing you what the reality of the situation is."

"I didn't do anything wrong. He deserved to be scolded. Just look at what he did!"

"I know you think you've tried. But you need to try more. You're just aiming too low. I mean, what have you really managed to get done?"

"What's wrong with you? Why are you getting upset? I'm only saying this for your own good. I won't be telling you all this if I didn't care about you."

"Stop being so defensive, and listen to what I have to say. You're in this mess now because you never did listen to what I said."

Those are just a few of the many examples of things we've heard someone say to us, or we've said to some other victim before. Maybe those things are partially true. Heck, maybe they're ABSOLUTELY 100% true. And if your intention is to communicate your point, then you've done so faultlessly. But if you were trying to get through to that person and really help that person, then you've failed 100% to do so.

And the trickiest thing about this is that its one of the fastest ways to destroy any relationship. Kids hate their parents and stop talking to them because of it. Couples quarrel cos they cannot stand being picked on. Friendships are broken because one person cannot take the criticism and chooses to withdraw. And churches are divided because everyone is more interested in being right, rather than righteous before God.

My advice? Stop being the moral compass to the people around you. If they do something wrong, there's no need to criticize. Chances are, many have already done so. In fact, chances are that the person ALREADY knows. Instead, just be a friend still, and spend more time being encouraging when he/she does something right. (In fact, if you're by default encouraging, your lack of encouragement at certain times will speak louder than if you voiced your disagreements.) These things help strengthen the friendship and community, which in due process allows the person "at fault" to feel safe enough to approach you with their problem. And ONLY when a person comes to you on his own terms, is he ready to discuss his "problem".

Oherwise, you'll never be getting through to that person.