Post-God

What should I do with the rest of my life? My Post-God days have seen me recover much in terms of my peace of mind. Ironic, that when I choose to turn my back on the God who grants peace, I should instead find the peace that I have been craving all these years. Don’t get me wrong, this is not another rant at God. But just a reflection of what I see right now, through the unique filters that I currently see with.

I look back on all these years in church, and realise that its been a struggle. Have I been relying on my own strength? Of course. But then, don’t we all? Isn’t it always a reminder to ourselves to depend on God instead of self? I’ve also experienced the work of God in His ministries, keeping alive a church that should have died a long time ago but for His grace and mercy. Yet the takeaway from so many years of living under such an abundance of grace in ministry, has seemingly brought little except a weariness and jadedness at the futility of what I was doing. It would be unfair to say I was doing it all on my own strength, for indeed I recognize the works of God alive in the church. Yet all I still see, are the self-centredness of people. They sing about giving their lives to God, yet can spare no more than 2 hours a week on anything that involves church. They profess a keen awareness that all they have comes from God, but fail to render unto God that which belongs to God. They share the forgiveness of Christ to those who have never heard the gospel, yet indulge in the same petty malice and grudge-bearing as the next guy on the bus.

Such hypocrisy is, of course, found in abundance in myself. And yet, that does not fill me with the humility to praise God for his unmerited love towards me. Instead, I can only see the impotence of a faith that has failed to uplift me. I told myself to try harder, and tap upon the infinite fountains of his forgiveness. Serve Him through serving those in His family, and be a faithful servant albeit a very poor one. Spend time being quiet before Him, and let Him speak to me about a surrendered life that has the power to transform. After 30 years, I find myself wondering where that has left me. My cries to Him have reaped nothing but silence. The feebleness of my attempts to turn from my ways only highlights the absence of the transforming power He promised. The scope of my servanthood has only resulted in a greater degree of shock, hurt, and absolute fallout in the church community. Not to mention the utter disenchantment I developed towards them.

Those around me offer a conditional sympathy. Their presence in my life, while full of grace and love, also carry the thorns of judgment. I can only imagine how the conversations go once I am no longer in the picture. I am still unrepentant. I am still the sinner who is only focused on myself. I still lack the appearance of remorse at my actions. Therefore, I have once again justified their disappointment in me. But still, they will pray for me, and stand by me. Hopefully one day, I will return to God allow Him to crush my pride.

And so I find that I have to put myself in their shoes to examine myself. Am I truly wrong? And if so, where am I wrong? Are my observations regarding the hypocrisy of the church community wrong? Or is it my lack of faith when I call out to Him? Perhaps that’s why I lack the power to overcome my sins and live the victorious life? When I profess the feeling of being abandoned by God, is that wrong? Is it offensive towards His infinite grace if I should question it? When nobody seems to have any answers to the questions I have been asking ever since, nor do they even have the time to ponder alongside me, is it because I am wrong to ask those questions? Should I instead focus on repentance and reading the bible?

And so once again, in the context of all these thoughts that are threatening to again let the demons back into my head, I am forced to draw the observation that my life would be more peaceful without God in the equation. It would mean I stop asking all those pesky questions that I don’t have answers to, and nobody has time for. And maybe without those questions and doubts which seem to be so offensive to those who still abide in Him, perhaps I will seem closer to the picture of repentance they have in their minds.

But to do so, I would have once again drawn further away from myself, opening up the gap that allowed the demons in. Better to be Sherlock, someone who only strives to be true to what he believes. Stop being so focused on everyone around myself, and learn to live for myself. On balance, the abrasiveness and offence I should cause would still be less than the fallout I have triggered today.

Time to look into how I can change my behaviour type. Goodbye INFP…

Taking Time...

Seems like my previous posts raised a mini storm in a teacup, as the few who still know I blog responded to what I professed. While I am always appreciative of their good intentions (especially now when there are so few who give a damn about me…), its also very telling how their reactions say a lot about how I feel towards people. 

1)      People don’t often think through what they say even when approaching very sensitive people. 

This was evident in abundance. When I shared with my counsellor regarding me “breaking up” with the church, I told her its because I feel there has been a very toxic relationship between me and the church, and the road to healing requires me to cut off these toxic relationships. This was in response to her asking me about how I plan to prevent a “relapse” into my previous iniquities. Her rejoinder to me was to point out how such behaviour was an indulgence, since I should have known that people are bound to disappoint. She also reminded me that no one is perfect except Jesus, and that I should not therefore write people off just because I feel they have let me down.

Now, what she said was perfectly valid. Only problem is, such a response makes me feel as if she thinks I’m a moron, stating such an obvious fact to me. The real fact is, I have never stated an expectation that people agree 100% with everything I say, and never ever let me down. Of course that fact is plain to me. Plus, I was talking about cutting off toxic relationships, not cutting off the whole of God’s community.

Such responses drive me crazy on the inside. Partially because it becomes a double whammy for me. After these concerned individuals have responded to me, I am left in a predicament. Reject what they said because its too generic a reply which merely states the obvious, and the impression I leave instantly is that I am self-centred and unreceptive, and unable to humbly accept good advice. Accept what they say mutely and instead be grateful for the well wishes, and I end up generating an expectation that I should therefore cease to pursue my previous course of breaking up with the church community. I therefore end up in a Catch-22 situation, where the way to escape is to cave in to expectations, stop being myself, and stop the break up.

FML. 

2)      People have a very short term tolerance towards those in pain. 

The first impression that comes to mind is the irony of Job.

When I voiced my disappointment with God, the response I met with was generally one of thinly veiled disapproval. “Do you recognize your depravity?”, “If you did not try everything possible (including gouging out your eyes), how can you blame God for your failure to overcome your sins?”, “Even Job did not dare to question God. You should learn from him.”… etc.

These are some of the greatest hits that I have repeatedly heard. The basic premise is the same. You don’t deserve anything, since almighty God did not owe you anything. How dare you question His sovereign will and reject Him? Your sins are your fault alone, how dare you attribute your failures to Him? Do you not instead see His magnificent grace and love?

These are, of course, what I hear when they speak. I have no doubt they will be horrified to see how I have taken to their comments. They would deny that the above was what they said. And that’s precisely the problem - their lack of consideration. Because the paraphrasing sounds much harsher than they would like, they don’t realise what they’ve said, just that they were much less judgmental. If they were to apply what they said and take it to its conclusion, they would arrive at the same paraphrasing which I did.

In short, people in pain are entitled to a short period of suffering (Job’s friends gave him 7 days). After that, they’re expected to turn around once again and resume obeisance to God Almighty. I started this point by mentioning the irony of Job, and here it is: the ones who keep pointing me to Job don’t realise how much they are pointing themselves towards his friends. 

3)      People don’t really listen to you when you share your pain. They want to share with you how/why they’re not in pain. 

Another common encounter I repeatedly experience is that of well-meaning exhortation. After hearing about the questions I have towards God and the community, they nod understandingly, then proceed to absolutely pass over on them. They revert to encouragement, urging me to return to the Word of God to find my answers.

Now, I am not naïve enough to think that anyone of them will have the answers that I seek. Even God did not answer any of Job’s questions. His mere presence was enough. But until God shows Himself to me as well, what I am looking for is the presence of His people. To their credit, Job’s three friends persisted by his side throughout the entire dialogue. For me, the silence of the church community towards me is even more deafening than if they were all shouting expletives at me.

Unfortunately, we no longer have time for those in pain. Our lives are too crowded out with work, family, ministry (hur hur…), and we don’t even have time for ourselves. Much less another human being. So instead of taking time and sitting down with a person to listen to him share about his pain, its much easier to remind him of his sins, and tell him that you will be praying for him. Pain would require a lot of time and wisdom. Its too hard. Sin is much easier to deal with. Just pray instead, at your own time, pace and place.

The danger with such thoughts is that the longer I persist with them, the more bitter I might become.

The fact is, I have a lot to be grateful for. Despite what I did, I can still count a ready handful of friends who have steadfastly stood by me, letting me know I am not alone. I have an extended family who has resolutely supported me through the past 7 months, and had the wisdom to not berate me for what I did. I have a wife who has unwaveringly stood by me at great cost to herself, and shown me how much she loves me despite my flaws.

I can still recognize good intentions, and I am still very grateful for them. However, I am just putting down my thoughts here, on the difference between what was said, and what was received. Communication is tough. It takes time to understand, and grasp what a person is saying underneath the words that were spoken. Unfortunately, time seems to be the one thing which only I have. So here I am, taking time out for myself to understand myself and what I am saying.

Hur hur.

Wolves and Scarecrows

Someone sent me an article, purely with the intention of highlighting to me that sometimes I wallow too much in my own pain, resulting in the hubris that my pain enlightens me to truths that the common man cannot see. 

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/beware-of-broken-wolves

I can totally understand her good intentions, but I must admit feeling even more dismayed after reading the article. Here are some statements/points I take issue with:

"But there is a particularly nasty breed that often goes unnoticed, a type that we might call the “Broken Wolf.”"
Why is the "Broken Wolf" seen as being "particularly nasty"? I've met bitter people who have twisted the gospel to suit their own worldview, for sure. But I've also seen power hungry church elders who have no qualms about tearing a person down in order to ensure that their own agendas are met. And of course by now we've also seen successful pastors who are involved in massive cases of financial fraud, while hiding behind their facade of "doing God's work". How does the "broken wolf" come across as being "particularly nasty"?

"But what separates Broken Wolves from Broken Sheep is the former believe their brokenness provides them—like the Gnostics of previous eras—with secret knowledge, such as fresh insights into the human condition."
 I can see where the writer is heading with this point. Yet once again, the writer does not further elaborate after that, on how one should differentiate the genuine epiphanies that come with suffering, from the self aggrandizing hubris of the "Broken Wolf". And so the reader is left with a warning to beware anyone with a posture of suffering, and to be wary of what they share. The reader therefore builds even more walls between themselves and those they are trying to reach out to, leaving the church an even lonelier place to the broken.

Besides, there are plenty of books written about how suffering is one of the well-tested highways to God. Surely therefore, there are insights gained from the experience of suffering, insights which would not be available to those who have not walked the rocky paths. To generically equate such experiences to those of the gnostics is both insensitive and thoughtless. 

The brokenness of Broken Wolves often act as a shield that protects them from any legitimate criticism because we fear being viewed as harsh or unloving"
Actually, the reality is that the church is usually very quick to criticize behaviour that seems "ungodly". Even my own experience has shown me that far from what the writer is saying, the church has no qualms about appearing harsh. Everyone is quick to cut ties with a sinner who has been outed. Those who seek to go easy are those who themselves have a rather tenuous grip on theology, and feel that sins are not a big deal. So one might say the fault lies more with the lack of robust teaching in the church, instead of attributing it to the emotional manipulations of the "Broken Wolf".

"The gospel tells brokenhearted sinners to repent (Mark 1:15). The Broken Wolf says, “Don’t worry, God is not so old-fashioned that he still thinks that behavior is a sin.” The gospel says to believe in Jesus to be justified (Rom. 10:10). The Broken Wolf says, “You are justified in believing in yourself.” The gospel says to confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord (Rom. 10:10). The Broken Wolf says, “Jesus doesn’t want to rule over you as King, he only wants to be your non-judgmental friend.” The gospel says be transformed by the renewal of your mind (Rom. 12:2). The Broken Wolf says, “You can’t change. Embrace who you are.”"
Whoa. Last I checked, false teachers did this. Populist preachers do this. Broken people don't go around preaching a dilluted gospel. To associate this kind of talk particularly with "Broken Wolves" is actually deeply offensive to me. The dilluted gospel has been a hallmark of the church today, and is heard from all walks of life. Why single out the "Broken Wolf" as being responsible?

In Short
Of course, I'm not saying that the writer is wrong. Far from it. But he has only raised fears without citing any tangible means to differentiate. He has raised a few scarecrows to reinforce his point, that "broken wolves" are a menace to true teaching, then used very generic statements to beat down those scarecrows. His summary seems to be a battle cry instead, to call the bluff of those perceived as being in suffering. "Like all wolves in the church, the Broken Wolf is leading the sheep into the valley of hell, away from the Good Shepherd. What then will we do? Will we suffer the scorn of “attacking the vulnerable” for the sake of protecting our sheep? Or will we stay silent because we’re too cowardly to cry, “Wolf!”?" 

Anyone ready to go on a witch hunt?

Wherefore Art Thou, God?

I remember the first night when I was sitting in the holding cell at the police station, and I was asking God... Why does David commit adultery and murder, and still get held up as "a man after God's own heart", while I am irretrivably branded as a contemptible sinner? Why does God allow some to have it so easy in life, while I sometimes wonder how much more sport does He intend to make of my life? 

Why do I blame God? Because I have tried so hard, again and again, to stem the pain that drove me into madness. I tried so hard, again and again, to stop doing what I was doing. I prayed, I wept, I repented. Then I sinned again. In the midst of all this, who is the only one who is able to help me? 

God.

Did He?

No.

Like the pharoah whose heart was hardened, I find myself in a similar role. Was he a mere pawn in the bigger narrative of God's plan to save His people? Am I therefore also just a pawn in someone else's story? 

This isn't a new question I've been asking. Amongst the doubts that I've never really found an answer for, one of the big ones was always the need to have a salvation story. Why did God create Adam and Eve, just to put them through the entire saga of humankind sin and suffering? The answer given to me was that this happened because Man was created with free will. And it was this wretched free will that caused some to choose sin, and resulted in separation from God. 

Fine.

But does that mean there is no free will in the new heaven and earth? If there is, why would no one sin after that? And if it was possible for creation to have free will and not sin, why did God not just start with that in the first place? Is it possible that He was merely directing a play for His own entertainment? 

I learnt abt foreshadows in literature. And I learnt that Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac was a foreshadow of God sending His own son as the atonement sacrifice. So does that mean that the whole saga of pharoah's heart being hardened was a foreshadow of God's manipulation across history to direct His own play?

In the continued silence and absence of God, I must continue to await my sentencing. Yet the irony is, I feel like I have already been serving a sentence all this while. I am unable to escape the hands of the Almighty, yet I can only feel like a mere pawn, like the clay that He always admitted He's free to mould and shape as He pleases. And because I am His creation, I can only accept my fate, that I am not one of His favored ones, like David was. 

15 years ago, I first experienced this with Grace. No matter how much I loved her, no matter what I did for her, I ultimately ended up betrayed, as she chose to favor someone else. 

Ironic that I should have mentioned foreshadows.

Today, I see that no matter what I did to serve God, to love Him and to follow Him, I am not among the favored that He chose. So unlike David, I don't have the luxury of sinning yet keeping my life intact.

I may not know how long my incarceration will be when sentencing comes around, but at least I know this: I am already serving a life sentence with God.

It would be better if He had never created me at all in the first place.