Seems like my previous posts raised a mini storm in a teacup, as the
few who still know I blog responded to what I professed. While I am always
appreciative of their good intentions (especially now when there are so few who
give a damn about me…), its also very telling how their reactions say a lot
about how I feel towards people.
1) People don’t often think through what they say even when approaching very sensitive people.
This was evident in abundance. When I shared with my counsellor regarding me “breaking up” with the church, I told her its because I feel there has been a very toxic relationship between me and the church, and the road to healing requires me to cut off these toxic relationships. This was in response to her asking me about how I plan to prevent a “relapse” into my previous iniquities. Her rejoinder to me was to point out how such behaviour was an indulgence, since I should have known that people are bound to disappoint. She also reminded me that no one is perfect except Jesus, and that I should not therefore write people off just because I feel they have let me down.
Now, what she said was perfectly valid. Only problem is, such a response makes me feel as if she thinks I’m a moron, stating such an obvious fact to me. The real fact is, I have never stated an expectation that people agree 100% with everything I say, and never ever let me down. Of course that fact is plain to me. Plus, I was talking about cutting off toxic relationships, not cutting off the whole of God’s community.
Such responses drive me crazy on the inside. Partially because it becomes a double whammy for me. After these concerned individuals have responded to me, I am left in a predicament. Reject what they said because its too generic a reply which merely states the obvious, and the impression I leave instantly is that I am self-centred and unreceptive, and unable to humbly accept good advice. Accept what they say mutely and instead be grateful for the well wishes, and I end up generating an expectation that I should therefore cease to pursue my previous course of breaking up with the church community. I therefore end up in a Catch-22 situation, where the way to escape is to cave in to expectations, stop being myself, and stop the break up.
FML.
2) People have a very short term tolerance towards those in pain.
The first impression that comes to mind is the irony of Job.
When I voiced my disappointment with God, the response I met with was generally one of thinly veiled disapproval. “Do you recognize your depravity?”, “If you did not try everything possible (including gouging out your eyes), how can you blame God for your failure to overcome your sins?”, “Even Job did not dare to question God. You should learn from him.”… etc.
These are some of the greatest hits that I have repeatedly heard. The basic premise is the same. You don’t deserve anything, since almighty God did not owe you anything. How dare you question His sovereign will and reject Him? Your sins are your fault alone, how dare you attribute your failures to Him? Do you not instead see His magnificent grace and love?
These are, of course, what I hear when they speak. I have no doubt they will be horrified to see how I have taken to their comments. They would deny that the above was what they said. And that’s precisely the problem - their lack of consideration. Because the paraphrasing sounds much harsher than they would like, they don’t realise what they’ve said, just that they were much less judgmental. If they were to apply what they said and take it to its conclusion, they would arrive at the same paraphrasing which I did.
In short, people in pain are entitled to a short period of suffering (Job’s friends gave him 7 days). After that, they’re expected to turn around once again and resume obeisance to God Almighty. I started this point by mentioning the irony of Job, and here it is: the ones who keep pointing me to Job don’t realise how much they are pointing themselves towards his friends.
3) People don’t really listen to you when you share your pain. They want to share with you how/why they’re not in pain.
Another common encounter I repeatedly experience is that of well-meaning exhortation. After hearing about the questions I have towards God and the community, they nod understandingly, then proceed to absolutely pass over on them. They revert to encouragement, urging me to return to the Word of God to find my answers.
Now, I am not naïve enough to think that anyone of them will have the answers that I seek. Even God did not answer any of Job’s questions. His mere presence was enough. But until God shows Himself to me as well, what I am looking for is the presence of His people. To their credit, Job’s three friends persisted by his side throughout the entire dialogue. For me, the silence of the church community towards me is even more deafening than if they were all shouting expletives at me.
Unfortunately, we no longer have time for those in pain. Our lives are too crowded out with work, family, ministry (hur hur…), and we don’t even have time for ourselves. Much less another human being. So instead of taking time and sitting down with a person to listen to him share about his pain, its much easier to remind him of his sins, and tell him that you will be praying for him. Pain would require a lot of time and wisdom. Its too hard. Sin is much easier to deal with. Just pray instead, at your own time, pace and place.
The danger with such thoughts is that the longer I persist with them, the more bitter I might become.
The fact is, I have a lot to be grateful for. Despite what I did, I can still count a ready handful of friends who have steadfastly stood by me, letting me know I am not alone. I have an extended family who has resolutely supported me through the past 7 months, and had the wisdom to not berate me for what I did. I have a wife who has unwaveringly stood by me at great cost to herself, and shown me how much she loves me despite my flaws.
I can still recognize good intentions, and I am still very grateful for them. However, I am just putting down my thoughts here, on the difference between what was said, and what was received. Communication is tough. It takes time to understand, and grasp what a person is saying underneath the words that were spoken. Unfortunately, time seems to be the one thing which only I have. So here I am, taking time out for myself to understand myself and what I am saying.
Hur hur.
1) People don’t often think through what they say even when approaching very sensitive people.
This was evident in abundance. When I shared with my counsellor regarding me “breaking up” with the church, I told her its because I feel there has been a very toxic relationship between me and the church, and the road to healing requires me to cut off these toxic relationships. This was in response to her asking me about how I plan to prevent a “relapse” into my previous iniquities. Her rejoinder to me was to point out how such behaviour was an indulgence, since I should have known that people are bound to disappoint. She also reminded me that no one is perfect except Jesus, and that I should not therefore write people off just because I feel they have let me down.
Now, what she said was perfectly valid. Only problem is, such a response makes me feel as if she thinks I’m a moron, stating such an obvious fact to me. The real fact is, I have never stated an expectation that people agree 100% with everything I say, and never ever let me down. Of course that fact is plain to me. Plus, I was talking about cutting off toxic relationships, not cutting off the whole of God’s community.
Such responses drive me crazy on the inside. Partially because it becomes a double whammy for me. After these concerned individuals have responded to me, I am left in a predicament. Reject what they said because its too generic a reply which merely states the obvious, and the impression I leave instantly is that I am self-centred and unreceptive, and unable to humbly accept good advice. Accept what they say mutely and instead be grateful for the well wishes, and I end up generating an expectation that I should therefore cease to pursue my previous course of breaking up with the church community. I therefore end up in a Catch-22 situation, where the way to escape is to cave in to expectations, stop being myself, and stop the break up.
FML.
2) People have a very short term tolerance towards those in pain.
The first impression that comes to mind is the irony of Job.
When I voiced my disappointment with God, the response I met with was generally one of thinly veiled disapproval. “Do you recognize your depravity?”, “If you did not try everything possible (including gouging out your eyes), how can you blame God for your failure to overcome your sins?”, “Even Job did not dare to question God. You should learn from him.”… etc.
These are some of the greatest hits that I have repeatedly heard. The basic premise is the same. You don’t deserve anything, since almighty God did not owe you anything. How dare you question His sovereign will and reject Him? Your sins are your fault alone, how dare you attribute your failures to Him? Do you not instead see His magnificent grace and love?
These are, of course, what I hear when they speak. I have no doubt they will be horrified to see how I have taken to their comments. They would deny that the above was what they said. And that’s precisely the problem - their lack of consideration. Because the paraphrasing sounds much harsher than they would like, they don’t realise what they’ve said, just that they were much less judgmental. If they were to apply what they said and take it to its conclusion, they would arrive at the same paraphrasing which I did.
In short, people in pain are entitled to a short period of suffering (Job’s friends gave him 7 days). After that, they’re expected to turn around once again and resume obeisance to God Almighty. I started this point by mentioning the irony of Job, and here it is: the ones who keep pointing me to Job don’t realise how much they are pointing themselves towards his friends.
3) People don’t really listen to you when you share your pain. They want to share with you how/why they’re not in pain.
Another common encounter I repeatedly experience is that of well-meaning exhortation. After hearing about the questions I have towards God and the community, they nod understandingly, then proceed to absolutely pass over on them. They revert to encouragement, urging me to return to the Word of God to find my answers.
Now, I am not naïve enough to think that anyone of them will have the answers that I seek. Even God did not answer any of Job’s questions. His mere presence was enough. But until God shows Himself to me as well, what I am looking for is the presence of His people. To their credit, Job’s three friends persisted by his side throughout the entire dialogue. For me, the silence of the church community towards me is even more deafening than if they were all shouting expletives at me.
Unfortunately, we no longer have time for those in pain. Our lives are too crowded out with work, family, ministry (hur hur…), and we don’t even have time for ourselves. Much less another human being. So instead of taking time and sitting down with a person to listen to him share about his pain, its much easier to remind him of his sins, and tell him that you will be praying for him. Pain would require a lot of time and wisdom. Its too hard. Sin is much easier to deal with. Just pray instead, at your own time, pace and place.
The danger with such thoughts is that the longer I persist with them, the more bitter I might become.
The fact is, I have a lot to be grateful for. Despite what I did, I can still count a ready handful of friends who have steadfastly stood by me, letting me know I am not alone. I have an extended family who has resolutely supported me through the past 7 months, and had the wisdom to not berate me for what I did. I have a wife who has unwaveringly stood by me at great cost to herself, and shown me how much she loves me despite my flaws.
I can still recognize good intentions, and I am still very grateful for them. However, I am just putting down my thoughts here, on the difference between what was said, and what was received. Communication is tough. It takes time to understand, and grasp what a person is saying underneath the words that were spoken. Unfortunately, time seems to be the one thing which only I have. So here I am, taking time out for myself to understand myself and what I am saying.
Hur hur.
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