Post-God

What should I do with the rest of my life? My Post-God days have seen me recover much in terms of my peace of mind. Ironic, that when I choose to turn my back on the God who grants peace, I should instead find the peace that I have been craving all these years. Don’t get me wrong, this is not another rant at God. But just a reflection of what I see right now, through the unique filters that I currently see with.

I look back on all these years in church, and realise that its been a struggle. Have I been relying on my own strength? Of course. But then, don’t we all? Isn’t it always a reminder to ourselves to depend on God instead of self? I’ve also experienced the work of God in His ministries, keeping alive a church that should have died a long time ago but for His grace and mercy. Yet the takeaway from so many years of living under such an abundance of grace in ministry, has seemingly brought little except a weariness and jadedness at the futility of what I was doing. It would be unfair to say I was doing it all on my own strength, for indeed I recognize the works of God alive in the church. Yet all I still see, are the self-centredness of people. They sing about giving their lives to God, yet can spare no more than 2 hours a week on anything that involves church. They profess a keen awareness that all they have comes from God, but fail to render unto God that which belongs to God. They share the forgiveness of Christ to those who have never heard the gospel, yet indulge in the same petty malice and grudge-bearing as the next guy on the bus.

Such hypocrisy is, of course, found in abundance in myself. And yet, that does not fill me with the humility to praise God for his unmerited love towards me. Instead, I can only see the impotence of a faith that has failed to uplift me. I told myself to try harder, and tap upon the infinite fountains of his forgiveness. Serve Him through serving those in His family, and be a faithful servant albeit a very poor one. Spend time being quiet before Him, and let Him speak to me about a surrendered life that has the power to transform. After 30 years, I find myself wondering where that has left me. My cries to Him have reaped nothing but silence. The feebleness of my attempts to turn from my ways only highlights the absence of the transforming power He promised. The scope of my servanthood has only resulted in a greater degree of shock, hurt, and absolute fallout in the church community. Not to mention the utter disenchantment I developed towards them.

Those around me offer a conditional sympathy. Their presence in my life, while full of grace and love, also carry the thorns of judgment. I can only imagine how the conversations go once I am no longer in the picture. I am still unrepentant. I am still the sinner who is only focused on myself. I still lack the appearance of remorse at my actions. Therefore, I have once again justified their disappointment in me. But still, they will pray for me, and stand by me. Hopefully one day, I will return to God allow Him to crush my pride.

And so I find that I have to put myself in their shoes to examine myself. Am I truly wrong? And if so, where am I wrong? Are my observations regarding the hypocrisy of the church community wrong? Or is it my lack of faith when I call out to Him? Perhaps that’s why I lack the power to overcome my sins and live the victorious life? When I profess the feeling of being abandoned by God, is that wrong? Is it offensive towards His infinite grace if I should question it? When nobody seems to have any answers to the questions I have been asking ever since, nor do they even have the time to ponder alongside me, is it because I am wrong to ask those questions? Should I instead focus on repentance and reading the bible?

And so once again, in the context of all these thoughts that are threatening to again let the demons back into my head, I am forced to draw the observation that my life would be more peaceful without God in the equation. It would mean I stop asking all those pesky questions that I don’t have answers to, and nobody has time for. And maybe without those questions and doubts which seem to be so offensive to those who still abide in Him, perhaps I will seem closer to the picture of repentance they have in their minds.

But to do so, I would have once again drawn further away from myself, opening up the gap that allowed the demons in. Better to be Sherlock, someone who only strives to be true to what he believes. Stop being so focused on everyone around myself, and learn to live for myself. On balance, the abrasiveness and offence I should cause would still be less than the fallout I have triggered today.

Time to look into how I can change my behaviour type. Goodbye INFP…