A Hands-On Faith

Had a few conversations with some old friends lately, and the topic invariably drifted to the state of the church, and why we are no longer so keen. Aside from what happened to me, the fact remained that I was already terribly jaded and disillusioned with so much that was going on in church. The disconnectedness I feel towards the church isn’t something purely caused by my being excommunicated. I feel that the church is increasingly becoming detached from the “real world” out there. And that’s really sad.

I recall once lamenting how the institutionalization of the church seemed to have robbed it of its most essential purpose, which was what the believers in the Bible did. They fed the poor, helped the needy, and let everyone know they were Christian by their love.

Today, Christians seem to be defined by their theology instead. Say something theologically if-ish and everyone starts to get uncomfortable. But if someone shares that they’ve never tried their hand at any community volunteering in their whole life, people tend to give a wryly indulgent nod instead. I look at the way the church service is structured, and it seems to revolve around the “experiential” worship, and then the “academic” sermon. Both elements combined take up 90% of the church service time. And both are incredibly inward looking.

The story was once told of a missionary who sailed past a small island, where he spotted a native fisherman. He stopped and shared the gospel with the fisherman. Seeing that he was uneducated and unable to read the Bible, he simply taught the fisherman the Lord’s prayer and told him to pray that every day. Months go by, and when the missionary sailed past the same island, he saw to his astonishment the same fisherman walking on water towards him. When he reached the missionary’s boat, the fisherman said “Father, forgive me for I am a sinner. I forgot the Lord’s Prayer, and could only pray to God using my own words. Can you please teach me the prayer again?” The missionary told him he should just carry on praying in his own words, for God is surely pleased with his prayers.

It’s a really cute story full of clichés, but it does bring up a very real question I’ve always had: If theology is so central to our beliefs, what of the uneducated? Will they never know God? Are they forever deemed as being less spiritual than the theological giants we so revere?

Nietzsche said “they must act more redeemed before I believe in their Redeemer”. Ghandi said “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians”. So it seems like a community of theologically sound believers are not likely to sway these 2 historical giants much. You know who might?

Mother Teresa.

I remember reading an article from Time Magazine that said for nearly 50 years, she felt abandoned by God, unable to feel His presence. While in no way equating myself with her, I do confess that I can immediately identify with what she felt. She obviously took the nobler road, whereas I sunk deeper into the abyss of despair. Surely if she was honest with herself, someone who felt so abandoned and rejected by God could not have poured herself into theological diligence with any real conviction. Instead, she devoted her life to doing what Christ commanded. She served the needy, fed the poor, and let the people know she was a believer by her love.

I have no simple solution for the church. But if we started to put less emphasis on bible study and spent more time caring about the state of the people around us, we might finally grasp the heart of God better. And armed with that same heart of God, we might actually be ready to know more about God through the study of His Word. By inverting the order, we seem to have encouraged the Holy Huddle that leaves the whole church increasingly disconnected from the non-believers.

The saddest irony is that when we find evangelism tough, we end up digging deeper into the Word for answers, hoping to be even more “equipped” to share. The solution was actually to stop digging into the Word, and start going out more into the world just to care for the people around us.

I wonder if CS Lewis had written Screwtape Letters today, would he have made the same point as me, or is it just more twisted thoughts on my part.

I Don't Friend You Anymore

Someone recently remarked that I need to have more realistic expectations of my friends.

In light of my current condition, this is really interesting as I feel that I have lowered my benchmark into the abyss already. To be told that I continue to hold too high an expectation of my friends… I really wonder what have we come to, that we should expect so little from each other.

Since young, I’ve been told that there are good and bad friends. Good friends are the kind that look out for you, wish you well, and stick with you through thick and thin. Bad friends are those are influence you towards negative behavior, are usually fair-weather in nature, and tend to exploit you for their own benefit. My parents would always urge me to choose my friends carefully, as friends can make or break you in life.

As I grew older, I also learnt that one of the principles to being a good person, is to “do unto others what you want others to do unto you”. In this context, it means that if you want good friends, you have to be a good one yourself. However, even though this is obviously not a quid pro quo principle, it does imply that there are certain expectations which are set up. There is a criteria for being a good friend, and I need to live up to that criteria myself before I can expect that of others. I believe the biblical principle of reaping what we sow can also be applied here.

I was then taught that love involves risk. The risk of getting hurt. Again, somewhere in the implications of that principle is the understanding that love comes with expectations of reciprocity. If not, there would be no chance of being hurt. So I started to believe that love demands reciprocity. After all, even God’s unconditional love has consequences if it isn’t reciprocated.

So it would seem to be, therefore, that having expectations is perfectly normal. The natural question which follows is: What constitutes a realistic expectation of friends?

Can I expect quid pro quo? Or does that make me a bad friend for having turned it into a transaction? If I had chosen to involve myself heavily in your life, do I have a right to expect that after accepting my investment in you, I should see some form of commitment to me in return?

If a friend was happy to soak in my efforts to invest in his life, only to show no commitment towards me when I'm in a rut, can I therefore label that person as a fair-weather friend? Or am I still supposed to suspend my discernment and opt to think nothing but positive thoughts?

Padma also said the same thing to me. My expectations of people are perhaps too high. But I find myself mourning such a sentiment.

We should not expect so little of each other.

I remember another friend telling me that different people react differently to what I did. Some may truly be so offended that they are unable to accept me as a friend anymore. For such folks, I respect that this is a consequence of my actions. Then of course, there are those whom I have hurt very deeply through my unforgiveable actions. For them, the only blame I attribute is obviously towards myself.

Yet there is another tier of folks who are likely not very affected by what happened, or who perhaps may not even know what transpired. What then of their silence? If I can vanish so abruptly from their lives such that it doesn’t warrant any show of concern over three years, can I now have the right to label them fair weather friends? Or should I humbly show gratitude to any and all who still chose to reach out to a sick monster like me, and be grateful for the scraps of friendship they may offer in the future? (Yes, I have lost none of my nasty sarcasm despite my metamorphosis from angel to demon.)

At the end of the day, I choose to believe that friendship is too valuable a thing to cheapen by offering to anyone and everyone. There are “ friends” who exploit, and then there are genuine ones who build up. We need to be able to exercise discernment and reward the ones who build up. We have to stop empowering the jerks who leach off those who are “ too nice”. As I look forward to finally being able to turn a corner in my life, I am left to decide what changes I will be making as part of the process. And I feel cutting off the deadweight is one of the major exercises I need to embark on.

Some people throw away what’s in their store room if it hasn’t been used for 3 years or more. I should stop being a hoarder, and start learning from such people.

The Story Continues

Wow.

More than 2 years since my last entry. Life has really moved on so fast for me since then.

You know what hasn’t changed?

My case.

Yes, its still in the exact same limbo as previously. I have been imprisoned in this half life for THREE years now, unable to ever move on despite the quasi rituals of rebuilding my life. Its been a steady cycle of one step forward two steps back.

So what have I learnt in the past 2 years? 

My Altrusitic Tendencies 
I can live with a lot less than I have always desired. I don’t need to serve everyone around me to win their gratitude. The altruism in me has certainly died a lot. 

And yet I live. Possibly stronger and better than ever.

I used to think I would become someone I despise if I ever lost that universal altruism that marked the first half of my life. Now as I chomp at the bit to start the second half of my life, I’ve learnt that I need to be selective in my altruism. Many people don’t deserve it.

I’ve narrowed down the people I choose to invest my life in, and I’ve learnt to reject even seemingly well-wishing friends from the past who are seeking to reconnect. If they saw fit to detach from me during the lowest season of my life, I don’t see any wisdom in allowing them back in so that they can feel better about having reached out to me.

I struggled if this is just me being bitter and petty, but I believe its not. I’d rather keep more time for myself, my family and the friends who stuck by me.

Like one of my all-time fav these songs go: 

I said hey, goodbye to romance

Goodbye to friends

Goodbye to all the past

I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end 

Work

Two years is a really short time to be in the industry, and its hard to learn when the industry is in such a flux. With my case hanging over me, I have not been able to really go out and build a public profile for myself. So my work life has turned out to be a close parallel of my half-life, just waiting to really begin.

In the meantime, I’ve at least settled down reasonably well in Anika, and have built a decent rapport with those around me. Nonetheless, this is a company that isn’t going through the best of times.

Despite that, I will always be grateful to them for having stood by me and reached out to me during this period. So, I won’t be headed anywhere else. Gotta knuckle down once this whole case blows over and start being a more active contributor. 

The Case

I think people who know or are involved in this whole saga are now mainly divided into two groups.

There are those who still eagerly look to ensure that maximum justice is meted out to me. I did the crime, I better do the time. And I better not shirk a single minute of the time due to me.

To them, I can only say I’m sorry for what I did, and I hope they can release themselves soon from their own self-imprisonment. Once I go in and come out, I’m out forever. Some of these folks are destined to stay in their own self-imprisonment for much longer.

The other group are those who really wish for everything to finally have closure so they can move on. To them, I’m also truly sorry for what I’ve done, and I thank them for having so readily forgiven me.

I still remember how some of my own victims have interacted with me as if nothing has ever changed. They shamed me to my very core by their grace. Every time I think of them, I am reminded of these words of Jean Valjean: 

One word from him and I'd be back

Beneath the lash, upon the rack

Instead he offers me my freedom

I feel my shame inside me like a knife

He told me that I have a soul

How does he know?

What spirit comes to move my life?

Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall

And the night is closing in

As I stare into the void

To the whirlpool of my sin

I'll escape now from that world

From the world of Jean Valjean

Jean Valjean is nothing now

Another story must begin 

A new story must indeed begin.

All I am lacking now is an ending for the old story.