I Don't Friend You Anymore

Someone recently remarked that I need to have more realistic expectations of my friends.

In light of my current condition, this is really interesting as I feel that I have lowered my benchmark into the abyss already. To be told that I continue to hold too high an expectation of my friends… I really wonder what have we come to, that we should expect so little from each other.

Since young, I’ve been told that there are good and bad friends. Good friends are the kind that look out for you, wish you well, and stick with you through thick and thin. Bad friends are those are influence you towards negative behavior, are usually fair-weather in nature, and tend to exploit you for their own benefit. My parents would always urge me to choose my friends carefully, as friends can make or break you in life.

As I grew older, I also learnt that one of the principles to being a good person, is to “do unto others what you want others to do unto you”. In this context, it means that if you want good friends, you have to be a good one yourself. However, even though this is obviously not a quid pro quo principle, it does imply that there are certain expectations which are set up. There is a criteria for being a good friend, and I need to live up to that criteria myself before I can expect that of others. I believe the biblical principle of reaping what we sow can also be applied here.

I was then taught that love involves risk. The risk of getting hurt. Again, somewhere in the implications of that principle is the understanding that love comes with expectations of reciprocity. If not, there would be no chance of being hurt. So I started to believe that love demands reciprocity. After all, even God’s unconditional love has consequences if it isn’t reciprocated.

So it would seem to be, therefore, that having expectations is perfectly normal. The natural question which follows is: What constitutes a realistic expectation of friends?

Can I expect quid pro quo? Or does that make me a bad friend for having turned it into a transaction? If I had chosen to involve myself heavily in your life, do I have a right to expect that after accepting my investment in you, I should see some form of commitment to me in return?

If a friend was happy to soak in my efforts to invest in his life, only to show no commitment towards me when I'm in a rut, can I therefore label that person as a fair-weather friend? Or am I still supposed to suspend my discernment and opt to think nothing but positive thoughts?

Padma also said the same thing to me. My expectations of people are perhaps too high. But I find myself mourning such a sentiment.

We should not expect so little of each other.

I remember another friend telling me that different people react differently to what I did. Some may truly be so offended that they are unable to accept me as a friend anymore. For such folks, I respect that this is a consequence of my actions. Then of course, there are those whom I have hurt very deeply through my unforgiveable actions. For them, the only blame I attribute is obviously towards myself.

Yet there is another tier of folks who are likely not very affected by what happened, or who perhaps may not even know what transpired. What then of their silence? If I can vanish so abruptly from their lives such that it doesn’t warrant any show of concern over three years, can I now have the right to label them fair weather friends? Or should I humbly show gratitude to any and all who still chose to reach out to a sick monster like me, and be grateful for the scraps of friendship they may offer in the future? (Yes, I have lost none of my nasty sarcasm despite my metamorphosis from angel to demon.)

At the end of the day, I choose to believe that friendship is too valuable a thing to cheapen by offering to anyone and everyone. There are “ friends” who exploit, and then there are genuine ones who build up. We need to be able to exercise discernment and reward the ones who build up. We have to stop empowering the jerks who leach off those who are “ too nice”. As I look forward to finally being able to turn a corner in my life, I am left to decide what changes I will be making as part of the process. And I feel cutting off the deadweight is one of the major exercises I need to embark on.

Some people throw away what’s in their store room if it hasn’t been used for 3 years or more. I should stop being a hoarder, and start learning from such people.