Wow.
More than 2 years since my last entry. Life has really moved on so fast for me since then.
You know what hasn’t changed?
My case.
Yes, its still in the exact same limbo as previously. I have been imprisoned in this half life for THREE years now, unable to ever move on despite the quasi rituals of rebuilding my life. Its been a steady cycle of one step forward two steps back.
So what have I learnt in the past 2 years?
My Altrusitic Tendencies
I can live with a lot less than I have always desired. I don’t need to serve everyone around me to win their gratitude. The altruism in me has certainly died a lot.
And yet I live. Possibly stronger and better than ever.
I used to think I would become someone I despise if I ever lost that universal altruism that marked the first half of my life. Now as I chomp at the bit to start the second half of my life, I’ve learnt that I need to be selective in my altruism. Many people don’t deserve it.
I’ve narrowed down the people I choose to invest my life in, and I’ve learnt to reject even seemingly well-wishing friends from the past who are seeking to reconnect. If they saw fit to detach from me during the lowest season of my life, I don’t see any wisdom in allowing them back in so that they can feel better about having reached out to me.
I struggled if this is just me being bitter and petty, but I believe its not. I’d rather keep more time for myself, my family and the friends who stuck by me.
Like one of my all-time fav these songs go:
I said hey, goodbye to romance
More than 2 years since my last entry. Life has really moved on so fast for me since then.
You know what hasn’t changed?
My case.
Yes, its still in the exact same limbo as previously. I have been imprisoned in this half life for THREE years now, unable to ever move on despite the quasi rituals of rebuilding my life. Its been a steady cycle of one step forward two steps back.
So what have I learnt in the past 2 years?
My Altrusitic Tendencies
I can live with a lot less than I have always desired. I don’t need to serve everyone around me to win their gratitude. The altruism in me has certainly died a lot.
And yet I live. Possibly stronger and better than ever.
I used to think I would become someone I despise if I ever lost that universal altruism that marked the first half of my life. Now as I chomp at the bit to start the second half of my life, I’ve learnt that I need to be selective in my altruism. Many people don’t deserve it.
I’ve narrowed down the people I choose to invest my life in, and I’ve learnt to reject even seemingly well-wishing friends from the past who are seeking to reconnect. If they saw fit to detach from me during the lowest season of my life, I don’t see any wisdom in allowing them back in so that they can feel better about having reached out to me.
I struggled if this is just me being bitter and petty, but I believe its not. I’d rather keep more time for myself, my family and the friends who stuck by me.
Like one of my all-time fav these songs go:
I said hey, goodbye to romance
Goodbye to friends
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
Work
Work
Two years is a really short time to be in the industry, and its hard to
learn when the industry is in such a flux. With my case hanging over me, I have
not been able to really go out and build a public profile for myself. So my
work life has turned out to be a close parallel of my half-life, just waiting
to really begin.
In the meantime, I’ve at least settled down reasonably well in Anika, and have built a decent rapport with those around me. Nonetheless, this is a company that isn’t going through the best of times.
Despite that, I will always be grateful to them for having stood by me and reached out to me during this period. So, I won’t be headed anywhere else. Gotta knuckle down once this whole case blows over and start being a more active contributor.
The Case
In the meantime, I’ve at least settled down reasonably well in Anika, and have built a decent rapport with those around me. Nonetheless, this is a company that isn’t going through the best of times.
Despite that, I will always be grateful to them for having stood by me and reached out to me during this period. So, I won’t be headed anywhere else. Gotta knuckle down once this whole case blows over and start being a more active contributor.
The Case
I think people who know or are involved in this whole saga are now
mainly divided into two groups.
There are those who still eagerly look to ensure that maximum justice is meted out to me. I did the crime, I better do the time. And I better not shirk a single minute of the time due to me.
To them, I can only say I’m sorry for what I did, and I hope they can release themselves soon from their own self-imprisonment. Once I go in and come out, I’m out forever. Some of these folks are destined to stay in their own self-imprisonment for much longer.
The other group are those who really wish for everything to finally have closure so they can move on. To them, I’m also truly sorry for what I’ve done, and I thank them for having so readily forgiven me.
I still remember how some of my own victims have interacted with me as if nothing has ever changed. They shamed me to my very core by their grace. Every time I think of them, I am reminded of these words of Jean Valjean:
One word from him and I'd be back
There are those who still eagerly look to ensure that maximum justice is meted out to me. I did the crime, I better do the time. And I better not shirk a single minute of the time due to me.
To them, I can only say I’m sorry for what I did, and I hope they can release themselves soon from their own self-imprisonment. Once I go in and come out, I’m out forever. Some of these folks are destined to stay in their own self-imprisonment for much longer.
The other group are those who really wish for everything to finally have closure so they can move on. To them, I’m also truly sorry for what I’ve done, and I thank them for having so readily forgiven me.
I still remember how some of my own victims have interacted with me as if nothing has ever changed. They shamed me to my very core by their grace. Every time I think of them, I am reminded of these words of Jean Valjean:
One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?
I am reaching, but I fall
I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
As I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin
A new story must indeed begin.
All I am lacking now is an ending for the old story.
A new story must indeed begin.
All I am lacking now is an ending for the old story.
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