Back From Macau...

Macau has been an experience in humility… in recognizing that there is much out there greater than myself…

2600 delegates from more than 50 countries, all with one purpose in mind… How to take the gospel to the nations. And the thing is, these weren’t no-life religious fanatics who let their who purpose in life revolve around missions because they had nowhere better to invest their time. Many used to be rich executives who had given up all they had to respond to the call. Very very successful and capable businessmen who were leaders on an international stage. One of my workshops was taught was 2 guys – one was the former director of Prudential Asia Pacific who is now the pastor of Grace Baptist Church… and the other is a former pastor who left to start up an airline to evangelize out to the corporate world… both its leaders as well as his employees. Yet to hear their humility in speech as well as when they talk abt the love of the gospel they have… man.

It was a breath-taking glance at what C.S Lewis spoke of in Screwtape Letters, when he talked of how the Christian will be forever lost as long as it is “abt the gospel plus something else”. I went home thinking abt how easily we all fall into the trap. Emphasize on tithing too much and very soon the church becomes run no different from profit organizations, where a lot of its ministry invariably becomes hampered by people who tithe a lot, but who also end up controlling how the money is spent. Focus too much on organizational efficiency and stream-lining, and very soon the very people being ministered to become mere pawns where the aim is to grow numbers and boast cosmeticized results instead of people. Stress too much on unity and very soon we all become so inward looking that we selfishly squabble and resent each other over “our own resources”, as if we were right to believe that we – instead of God – own them.

Each lunch we had at any table was always with some Reverend or Missionary who would beam at us and tell us how happy they were to see young faces. And I was so struck by their words on retrospect. Here in the second service we complain and we talk so much abt the lack of sucession... and how we don’t expect ourselves to be doing the things we do right now in 20 yrs’ time. Yet here they all are, sitting in front of me… 60 yrs old, and still going out there to preach the gospel and share Christ… and when they shared how happy they were to finally see young faces, I can only shudder to imagine their loneliness in ministry as they labor on, asking God to raise up new leaders with none in sight.

I’ve cried at many a Christian camp before. I’ve cried at many a Christian rally before. Usually it happens during worship, where God’s presence and voice seems to always bring out my emotions the most. Or else its during a very moving testimony, where the story of God working in our midst would bring me much comfort and encouragement. At times it happens during an altar call, where the speaker invokes the name of God to call to either repentance or commitment. But at this conference, I think I was moved to tears each time I just look around me to catch a small small glimpse of what heaven must feel like… surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. “Humbling” doesn’t even come close to describing what it felt like.

The lessons learnt were very personal ones. Lessons like the call to no compromise. Being reminded again and again of Abraham and Issac, and God's call to offer up to Him what I claim to be my most precious. No big meta-narrative to give here. I really think God spoke to me very very personally in this conference. It wasn’t the typical Crusade-style evangelistic meeting where the theme was always “Christ died for you – what would your response be?”. Nothing wrong with that style, mind you. Just that this conference was… different. There was no eagerness to impose and elicit a response from the people around. There was no need to. Every life to my left and right was a testimony to what a life surrendered to God might look like. Everyone had a story to share abt being hurt by church and by people. And they all had a story to share of how God not only saved them from their spiritual death, but He brought them back from their emotional crucifixion as well.

Been a whirlwind of activity since I returned home… the air was really bad in Macau and Hong Kong, and I returned home with a pretty bad flu, cough and asthma. The fact that I start work the day after I reached home didn’t help…

So I guess I shall stop here….

Lots of pics to come next… very soon, I promise. Tho I broke my camera on the first night I was in Hong Kong, so unfortunately nothing to show from there.

But I think I took plenty enough otherwise.

By the way, don’t bother with the Portugese egg tarts of Macau. They’re an absolute lie. We walked for hours without seeing any. And the supposedly “best” ones were very ordinary. They weren’t bad, per se. Just very ordinary.

Ah well.

I know the dowager is having the time of her life in Beijing, with a lot of pics showcasing what she’s been eating over there. *envious*

Sigh.

Ah well. At least I know its not building up around MY waist.

WUAHAHAHAHAHA…

Post Birthday Entry...

I guess I’m due for a belated birthday entry.

Scandinavia has come and gone… so much has been going on in my life that has left me with so little time to think and act. I‘ve been spending the past 2 weeks since returning… reacting to everything going on around me. Been so tired out also, that I really haven’t had much impulse to indulge in my whoring for public attention via this blog.

Thus the radio silence.

I was told yesterday that my belief in communities always forces me to walk a very thin line. I don’t give myself space to make mistakes, since the consequences are ten times more severe in the context of community. By keeping every friend of mine separate from one another, I can jeopardize one friendship and still find solace in the others.

I guess that’s true.

The tricky thing abt community is that when things are going fine, the synergy can really be a force used for good… everyone is very encouraged and built up. Its like a rainforest that becomes an eco-system in itself, each one playing an active role in sustaining one another. But it only takes one spark within that system during a dry spell, to spark a raging fire that can clean out the whole rainforest overnight.

But I guess I wouldn’t have done it any other way. The tacky side of me will always decide that I’d much rather have lived and died, instead of never having truly lived before.

Speaking of living… I’ve now a total of 27 years to account for, yet somehow nothing much seems to have changed. I’m beginning to ask myself if I should only check back here again when I’m 40, and the wandering is supposed to have ceased. Hehz…

It’s been a quiet birthday, the kind that I like. It had its moments, such as the party that Weixiu put a lotta effort into throwing, yet also the element of minimal fanfare in that very few wished me a happy birthday this yr as compared to the previous years. And for that, I’m truly grateful. Being able to spend my entire birthday this year doing only what I wanna do, without having to oblige anyone at all felt really great.

I was told that I seem to have withdrawn myself a lot from pple over the past half a year. I’ve stopped bothering to maintain a lot of the peripheral relationships that I used to bother about. I guess I just got too tired of caring. When you’re approaching 30, you’re supposed to be slowly phasing out the friends that you know will never really be there for you, and learn to reserve your time only for those that by now you know truly matters.

I guess its fine when you’re the one doing the phasing out. The shock comes when you realize that you who live by the sword also dies by it. The gradual realization did hit me that amongst my friends, I too, am slowly being phased out of some of their lives.

Ah well. C’est la vie…

The aftermath of Zidane’s sending off still seems to reverberate and taint Italy’s triumph at the World Cup. Calls for investigation, ugly speculations as to what must have been said to have elicited such a response from a footballing gentleman, verbal exchanges of slurs and lies in the papers… coupled with the match-fixing scandal that is already rocking Serie A, I think the Italians deserve a little bit of compassion.

Honestly, I think aside from the penalty they won against Australia that was undeserved, they have generally performed well and won the World Cup on their merits. Yet to never be able to enjoy the fruits of their success because of the complications that surround it.. it sucks. It seems to have taken the shine off the victory, and it seems to have therefore diminished the respect and credit that they deserve.

Ah well.

On my part. I’m just glad its over and we can all go back to adjusting our bio clocks to sleep.

Sleeping of sleep…

Time for me to sign off.

Will be back after my Macau trip. Back on 25th July.

I start work on the 26th!!

"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are, however. And therein lies the promise. Don’t let the world win…"

- John Cage, Ally McBeal

Must Love Dogs

These pictures represent the happiest 20 minutes of my time in Scandinavia. Being able to roll around with these 2 Malmuts... I knew my day was complete. They were warm, gentle, friendly... everything I was looking for in a dog...

And they cost 700 euros each.

I was asked for a birthday wishlist. How abt just this - a pair of Malmuts.

Grins.

Scandinavia Snippets

So much to say abt my Scandinavian trip, but I really have no idea where to start. Decided I'd just drop snippets of things that I had jotted down here and there, and let them come out here on this blog as and when the occasion arises.

And since this is sunday, I'll mention how my two sundays went.

I really missed the service back in my church. From the people, to the building, to the fact that it felt odd to be travelling arouhnd the different parts of Europe to be visiting churches instead of going to one to worship.

The churches were all exquisite...

And so there I was admiring all the details paid to the architecture... to the details... and just how much effort was evidently put into the whole design and building of the place... and I was very much saddened to think that at the end of the day, the church building is nothing more than an ornate structure that attracts the tourists to converge on. Because it was on a sunday that I visited some of the churches, and there was no worshipping taking place. Only eager groups of people in all shapes and sizes, snapping away at their cameras, getting their dollar's worth of shots.

It struck me that sometimes that's what my own church can be like... people who throng in droves into the building, eager to fulfill their expectations, hardly ever pausing to consider the intent of their having stepped into a place once set apart for sanctuary and meditation.

Its a reminder to me that my life and my body, as the temple of the living God, needs to avoid becoming a mere relic that once was set apart for His use.

Read This Only If You're Waaaaaay Too Free. Serious.

Mebbe it’s the jet lag, mebbe I’m still adjusting to the time difference. But I can’t sleep.

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I gave your question a little more thought, and this might seem overly simplistic… but its what I really think. If you love her more than life, then the pain of not seeing her will be unbearable. Much better to still let her be part of your life. If you’re willing to let her go because it hurts too much, mebbe at the end of the day you really love yourself more.

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Father’s Day in Norway was cool. But it suddenly surfaced a lot of things abt my father that I couldn’t chase away while I was on the bus. I love him dearly, but if I can’t be a much better father than he was, I’d rather be single and never have a child. Cos I’ve seen the kind of damage it does to a child, when you can’t be the sort of parent that you should be.

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The World Cup is a travesty, what with the number of bad referring decisions that’s rapidly turning the whole competition into a lottery – if you’re lucky you win a penalty. If you’re not, you win a red card.

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I’ve missed the piano so much when I was over in Scandinavia in 14 days. I still suck at playing, mind you… but the piano was always an outlet for my emotions when no one’s around… and I’ve had a lot to think abt when I was there, and there was a lot going on inside of me that I couldn’t express or vent.

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I might be getting a job real soon!!!! Whoo hoo!!! Now I can finally pay my bills. Grins.

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So much was going on when I was away, that I’m really a little overwhelmed right now, and have no idea where to start. And I don’t just mean the World Cup. So much happening to those around me, and even more to myself that I think I’m gonna need another holiday to run from the problems that this vacation seems to have created.

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I’ve come full circle to realize who selfish I really am, and how I really don’t know anything at all abt loving pple.

Am more than just a little disappointed with myself.

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Still need to sort out my Stansfield College saga.

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So much to write on the blog, yet everytime I start I think its either gonna bore pple cos they’ve read those sentiments before or else its too long. So I don’t write anything at all which I thought would be substantial, but opt for this kind of crap instead.

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I’ve mentioned this ad nauseum, but I really love Mike Gayle’s books. Sorry man. Its so terrible, my liking it. But at the same time I can’t help but be drawn to it. Paul says its cos I’m a helpless romantic. And I am. But its such an uncool thing to be!!!

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Yes, I’m officially u-n-c-o-o-l.

Sad, no?

Sunset Boulevard

Well, not exactly a boulevard. But its the land of the midnight sun, where the sun never sets. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Romaniemi, where I caught the Midnight Sun... a phenomena where the sun reaches the water horizon when setting, then rises again without ever setting.

Hopefully more pictures will follow.

Tee hee!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane (Part 2)

Shit. Leaving in 30 mins.

Just realise that it can suck to suddenly think "there's no one's photo that I can bring with me on the trip, to put in my wallet."

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

So I'm gonna be gone till the 28th. Blog's been kindda quiet lately, cos I've been a little preoccupied, and also taking time out for myself. Anyway, I'll leave you with this new gem I picked up from PostSecret, and the song that goes with it. Ravi Zacharias once said "Preach to broken hearts, and you will never lack for an audience." Mebbe that's why the expression of longing always gets pple nodding their heads along. At some level we all want what we cannot have, or do not have. And that's why PostSecret is making so much money...



I was asked - which is more painful, to see someone you love with someone else, or to not see that someone at all. Hmm... I think I answered your question pretty badly, gimme some time to think through it on the trip and I'll try to give a better answer to you when I'm back.

Bye guys... Will be back from my trip with more thoughts, and perhaps a picture or two even!!! Scandinavia, here I come...

Goodbye To Romance

On some days, I think this is how I really am, that trying to be otherwise would basically be selling myself out.

On other days like this, I tell myself I really need to stop living my life by the songs that I listen to. That romanticism is a lie, and leaves you with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Hard to imagine, that a God who loves you will always take away before your very eyes all that you desire to have even more than your life itself. Maybe He only allows you to keep that which you don’t love but simply possess. So that the trick is to stop believing you can possess true love. You either love, or you possess. Take your pick.

And maybe that’s the way to go.

Maybe goodbye isn't as difficult as I always made it out to be. After all, we'll get to meet in the end, isn't it?



Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me
I'm the lonely one
I live in shame

I said hey, goodbye to romance
Goodbye to friends,
I tell you, goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet,
We'll meet in the end

I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down
I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around
To love in vain

And I feel the time is right although
I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance
Goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you

And the winter is looking fine
And I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again

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Just For You

More times than not I don't know what to say, much less what to do. There are times when we go through some of the darkest moments in our lives, daring to even be angry at God. Yet I pray that in spite of the despair in your heart, you will come to a subtle realization of God's ever-faithful presence, and the love that He always has for you. You're constantly in my thougts and prayers...

Wounded Soldier
Wounded Soldier, on the ground. Broken, bleeding, beaten down.
Feeling defeated, feeling not needed. Alone, abandoned, on the battleground.
Wounded Soldier, faithful friend. Beaten down by those you defend.
Your heart once open, now pierced and broken… needing hope, to rise again…

Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battles and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…

While the battle rages on, I will hold you through the night.
In the shadow of the cross, I’ll be your champion, fight your fight!
Let me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!

Wounded Soldier, you’ll rise again! You can trust Me, I always win!
When you face harshness, or total darkness,
I’m ever watching, faithful to defend.
Wounded Soldier, faithful one. When you’re fallen, I’ll help you run.
With every testing, I’ll bring you resting, and say to you:
“My child, well done!”

Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…

When you feel you can’t go on, you’ll be weak, and I’ll be strong.
With the power of my strongest love, from my heart’s deepest song!
Let me hold you! I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you! In the shelter of my heart!

Set Apart For God (Part 2)

I repent of ever having recorded one single song, and ever having performed one concert, if my music, and more importantly, my life has not provoked you into Godly jealousy or to sell out more completely to Jesus! — Keith Green

Keith Green was 15 the first time he ran away from home. He started a journal that ran for years as he looked for musical adventure and spiritual truth. Keith had a Jewish background, but he grew up reading the New Testament. He called it "an odd combination" that left him open minded, but deeply unsatisfied. His journey led him to drugs, eastern mysticism, and free-love.

When Keith was 19 he met a fellow seeker/musician named Melody. They were married a year later -- but his spiritual quest continued. Then when he had nearly given up hope, Keith found the truth he was looking for. He was 21 and he never looked back.

What once confused him now made sense as he proudly told the world, “I'm a Jewish Christian." As soon as Keith opened his heart to Jesus, he and Melody opened their home. Anyone with a need, or who wanted to kick drugs, or get off the street, was welcome. Of course, they always heard plently about Jesus.

Not only did Keith's life take a radical turn, but as an accomplished musician and songwriter, so did his music. His quest for stardom ended. His songs now reflected the absolute thrill of finding Jesus and seeing his own life radically changed. Keith's spiritual intensity not only took him beyond most people's comfort zones, but it constantly drove him even beyond himself.

Somewhat reluctantly, Keith was thrust into a "John the Baptist" type ministry—calling believers to wake up, repent, and live a life that looked like what they said they believed. Keith felt he would have met Jesus sooner if not for Christians who led double lives. He made audiences squirm by saying, “If you praise and worship Jesus with your mouth and your life does not praise and worship him, there's something wrong!"

The radical commitment Keith preached was also a desire of his own heart. He said, “Loving Him is to be our cause. He can take care of a lot of other causes without us, but He can’t make us love Him with all our heart. That’s the work we must do... Anything else is an imitation.”

Keith's songs were often birthed during his own spiritual struggles. He pointed the finger at himself, penning honest and vulnerable lyrics—but he left room for God to convict the rest of us too. He knew the journey to heaven often winds through muddy valleys, and saw no value in portraying things as otherwise.

With Keith's honesty, he would have chafed against a glossed-over reading of his own life. After all, Keith was in the spotlight as he grew in Jesus. He made mistakes. We miss something essential when we overlook the frailty and humanity of those who've gone before us. Keith was far from perfect, but he honestly hungered after righteousness—constantly asking the Holy Spirit to, "change my heart, convict me of my sin." And when he was convicted, he took action. If he needed to repent, he repented. If he needed to phone someone to ask forgiveness, he did.

For Keith, meeting Jesus was one thing. Becoming more like Him was another. After striving for years to measure up to God's holiness, at times questioning his own salvation, Keith came into a deeper understanding of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross—both to forgive his sins, and to clothe him in His own righteousness. It wasn't that Keith became less concerned with purity and holiness. But he was now motivated more by love and less by fear in His pursuit of Jesus.

While on earth, Keith struggled with the same things we do—discipline, deadlines, problems crying for attention. He had music to write and a growing family. And he was also discipling the 70 believers who had come to be part of Last Days Ministries—the ministry he and Melody expanded from the outreach that began in their home. But he learned, in the midst of it all, the importance of pausing simply to behold the glory of God and to enjoy His presence. That is perhaps, more than anything, the legacy Keith would have wanted us to remember.

In seven short years of knowing Jesus, the Lord took Keith from concert crowds of 20 or less—to stadiums of 12,000 people who came to hear only him. His recordings were chart topping—and when he began to give his recordings away for whatever people could afford, some misunderstood. His views were often controversial but never boring. Television and radio appearances became the norm. Still, Keith's heart was to please the Lord and build His kingdom, not his own.

And in the last few months of his life, the Lord turned Keith's heart once again toward the lost. He wanted to go back out into the streets, the prisons, and the nations to reach those without God. He wanted to sing to them. He wanted to tell them how much Jesus loved them. However, it was not to be.

On July 28, 1982, there was a small plane crash and Keith went home to be with Jesus. The crash also took the life of his three year old son Josiah, and his two year old daughter, Bethany. Melody was home with their one year old, Rebekah, and was also six weeks pregnant with their fourth child, Rachel. Keith was only 28 years old.

Although Keith is now with Jesus, his life and ministry is still making a huge impact around the world. His songs and passionate delivery are still changing lives. His writings are translated into many languages. Keith once said, "When I die I just want to be remembered as a Christian." It's safe to say he reached his goal, and perhaps, a bit more.

Keith Green was simply a man of conviction. When his convictions led him to an eternally worthy object in the person of Jesus he sold all that he had—ambitions, possessions, and dreams—to possess His love. In so doing he became a man of devotion. He also became a man remembered, and still missed, by millions around the world.

The only music minister to whom the Lord will say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant," is the one whose life proves what their lyrics are saying, and to whom music is the least important part of their life. Glorifying the only worthy One has to be a minister's most important goal! — Keith Green

The New Man In My Life

On the journey over to Levenshulme they talked about the New Year and what they hoped to get out of it. Neil told Jo that he was planning to take a career break and travel for a while because he was afraid that he was missing out on life by working all the time. Jo told him about her hopes for her novel, and that if no one was interested in it, she’d write something new: Rob’s praise had inspired her.

“Well,” she said, as Neil pulled up outside her house, “this is me.”

He leaned across and kissed her cheek. “It was great to meet you.”

“You too.” Jo opened the car door. “Have a great New Year.”

She stepped out of the car and was about to close the door when Neil spoke again: “May I say something to you? Its more advice than anything else.”

“Of course,” said Jo. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to say to you that I know it must be hard for you.”

“What’s hard for me?”

“And I know too that, right now, your heart must feel like its being broken apart… but it will heal… You will get over it. Time will help you to accept that in life there are things you can have and things you can’t, and that’s just the way it is.”

Jo was stunned. “How did you –”

“It takes one to know one,” he replied. “Just make sure you look after yourself.”

Jo closed the car door and watched as he drove away. Then she turned to her house and rooted in her bag for her keys. She opened the door, closed it behind her and cried as if she would never stop.

- Brand New Friend, Mike Gayle

Set Apart For God (Part 1)

I was out with Paul a while ago, and we got down to discussing the book I lent him, “The Mystery Of Marriage”. He obviously didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, and his general protest was at the “idealism” that the book espoused. He likened it to books like “Passion and Purity”, or “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, books where they described the theoretical epitome of what love should be like, while at the same time not making enough room to acknowledge just how impossible it is to ever get there.

As much as I agreed at the impossibly high standards that the book sets, I guess for me… the problem was always with the impossibly low standards we set for ourselves as we protest against the lofty standards that Mason, Harris and George have placed before us. And I told him that seeing a couple like Henry and Bernice demonstrate what it is like to have a Christ-centered relationship, I can see how the lofty standards were reached for, while at the same time conceding the fact that we are prone to fail.

What every couple does, including what I did with Grace, was to get into a relationship based on the mutual attraction we had for each other… only after that, did we try to work the “God element" into it, so as to try and steer it towards a God-centered direction. I would be hard-pressed to find fault with that approach, actually… but its safe to say that most of the time, it was the horizontal aspect of the relationship that got built, instead of the vertical. And so love becomes such hard work, where we plead the impossibility of the standards that are established in these books.

What we forget is that in something as grand and as sacred as love, it was always going to be something impossible for fallen humans to achieve. Just like how it was always going to be impossible for fallen beings like us to behold the full glory of God. Yet it also therefore becomes the one thing above anything else, that we cannot afford to compromise, and settle for less in.

So we lean on the providence of God’s grace, to help us love like only He can.

I look to Henry and Bernice, and I am more than just a little awed by the kind of relationship they have. I don’t just see each other when I look into their eyes, I really see a common worship that they share. I can see that how close they are wasn’t built by a lot of personal time together, but by the kind of worship that they have in common, of God. Their relationship has such a great capacity to accommodate others, be it cell group, the worship team, other needy people, ministry time and family obligations... not to mention work. And I believe their relationship could stand up to such intrusions because it was never about the two of them, but about the common love they have in Christ. As much as I whine abt the lack of personal space I’d want after getting attached, I know I’m the sort who would jealously want a lot of personal time with my partner. And to see how Henry and Bernice always selflessly give up their own time together to fellowship with those around them… well, its always a lesson that I learn, and that makes me appreciate them.

I don’t think there’s any way to “work at it”. Any other couple who imitates the very activities they engage in could not reproduce the kind of “holiness” that their love seems to emanate. Whatever chemistry and understanding they have of each other is always something you can feel is found in the source of their love for Christ. Its not about how sweet one party can be to another. Its not about how self-sacrificing or how nice one is to the other. Its about how when they come together, what anyone can see is that their attachment to each other is the result of their common fixation with God.

I remember the line in the song “I Will Be Here”, that goes “I will be true to the promise I have made… to you and to the One who gave you to me”, and I suddenly appreciate the sentiment of that line ten times over. All the promises made to each other in the song is worth nothing, without the ever-present acknowledgement that it’s also a promise kept to the One who brought the two of them together. I don't think I've ever seen that line before in this context, but when I did, it really blew my mind away. The bridge of a song, usually used to summarize the whole song and to lend emphasis to a chorus, was certainly used by Chapman so powerfully here.

Someone told me tonight that she’s just about ready to stop believing in relationships already. And many have been the times that I’ve felt that way. But the grandness of the love that Henry and Bernice share have shown me that good things like this are so precious that its worth waiting for, and that it’ll be worth the wait.

Its interesting how couples who are on the verge of breaking up usually all weigh their considerations on everything except “I wonder if God really is pleased with the relationship I’m currently in, and I wonder just how much my relationship is glorifying Him.” I suspect most couples are afraid to ask that question, because of the ramifications that follow. Yet often it seems that until that question is answered, all other questions abt compatibility, commitment and affections are somewhat invalid.

Its also interesting how couples who are thinking of getting together always talk abt praying over that decision, but their deliberations always seem to hover over “human factors” such as compatibility and attraction… at best they think they can see themselves serving God together, a hypothetical understanding usually borne out of a bias towards wanting to end up together. They protest over how God seems to stay silent when they ask Him for an answer, not ever considering that perhaps God’s silence is in itself an answer.

And even couples who might be doing pretty well right now often avoid the question of “Where is God in the relationship”, preferring not to rock the boat, hoping that in the future the problem would go away by itself.

Of course, having said all this, it seems that every couple in church ought to break up now. Hehz… but that’s not my point. I think it’s a decision we all have to make for ourselves, just how much do we intend to set ourselves apart to be used by God. I think after witnessing Henry and Bernice at work, I have caught a glimpse of something that I want very badly… and I would rather stay single than settle for a relationship that would make a mockery of all that I think love should be, and make a hypocrite of myself.

So… yes. I think I need to get used to the idea of singlehood for life.

Grins.

Potluck At BK's!!!!

Nowadays when you go BK, instead of ordering their fries and drinks, you're encouraged to come with your own coffee and hashbrowns.

Grins.

Uncertainty

"You find it so easy to be dissatisfied with God because you do not understand His ways in you. You, who have even entertained the thought of displeasure at a God who doesn't explain His ways. Listen now, mortal, and understand... even the Son of God is not spared from the abandonment of God. Shall you then be?

A moment ago, your Saviour died. He died the incarnation of sin, swallowed up in the iniquity of all mankind. In the final madness of that flood, even He asked 'Why?' and received no answer. The cross always has an unanswered 'Why?'.

Without uncertainty, without unanswered questions, there is no such thing as the cross."

The Inward Journey, Gene Edwards

Bewildering

The past few weeks I seem to have turned a corner. A bad corner.

Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.

Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.

Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.

I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.

Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is

Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?

I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.

Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.

Sounds vague?

Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.

Damn hazy.

Can’t think straight.

And I hate that.

Someone Should Turn This Into A Song

Forever Valentines’

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

The Parasite's Creed

I live - simply so that other might live simply.

Grins.

Inspired by a message in church today, on World Missions.

Wuahahahaha...