Spirit Of Christmas Past, Present & Future

Its been so long since I posted something here. In a way, so much has happened worth mentioning, and yet I can't think of anything significant enough that I absolutely MUST pen down. Life's little ironies I guess.

Off the top of my head - Chen Mu Shi gave the last of his series of 4 farewell sermons this sunday. Can't believe that I almost cried. Hehz... I'm quite a wuss sometimes. But here is a man who baptized me at birth, presided over the church in some of its most dificult times, and has always been a spiritual anchor for the whole community, saying his farewell for good. And fittingly he used the passage from II Timothy 4:6-8, Paul's last exhortation to Timothy before his execution. Paul talks about how he has run the race and fought the good fight, and how he is now looking to the crown of righteousness that is in store for him. And I guess I couldn't have imagined a more fitting verse he could have used to end 28 yrs of ministry in ORPC. And I guess I wasn't alone, because when he ended his message, he came off the rostrum to a thunderous applause. And I guess later on when we were singing a response song, Renji couldn't have picked a more apt song -

愿一生跟随祢
求祢指教我
数算自己的日子
叫我得着智慧的心
因为在祢看千年如已过昨日
又如夜间一更

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢清晨时用祢
慈爱充满我
使我一生欢呼喜乐

我一生愿跟随祢
我的心献上给祢
我一生愿跟随祢
渴慕祢高举祢名

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢的荣美常在
我的面前
愿祢的荣光显明

I was really really moved by the whole event. It was such an apt song to choose from. The song is taken from Moses' prayer in Psalm, and I guess the song could really be just taking the words out of Chen Mu Shi's mouth. I dunno if it was also because of the more sombre Christmas that I've had, but I remember a really deep sense of grief and loss whenever I thought comes into my mind that this great man of God I see on the pulpit won't be up there anymore in a mere week's time.

Aside from that, this is the make or break week. Either way, my life as i know it is going to end. either I'm gonna pass everything and have to start looking for a job to earn my keep, or else I'm gonna receive news that I've still failed my exams and will end up as fish food. With a hundred and one nightmare scenarios in place, I really haven't been able to sleep well, in many cases dreading it with a passion that keeps me up until 5 in the morning. Shit. I really need to learn to deal with my problems and stop running away everytime. Ironic that I was just talking to Paul over dinner today abt his self-destructive habits.

The candlelight service in church this year was really sweet. Rev Burke paid a glowing tribute to Chen Mu Shi, and he gave a really simple message about how we ought to be the salt and the light of the world at X'mas. Rushed home to prepare for the cell X'mas party the next day, and arrived at Weixiu's house feeling really sick. Had a really terrible sinus problem. Still we had 34 people at the party that day, a really amazing crowd. I guess I should dial down on some of my cynicism sometimes, cos the party really did turn out to be a very very successful outreach program. Not to mention everybody had so much fun. Eric and desmond both showed up, we had a short time of just catching up and chatting.

Our church will cease to be called Orchard Road Presbyterian Church Mandarin Ministry after 2004, but will officially become Providence Presbyterian Church come 1st Jan 2005. Yes, Chen Mu Shi has once again so aptly become the Moses of our church, leading us into the Promised Land, but not stepping into it himself. He fought so hard and worked even harder to move our church towards independence, and I think he takes great comfort at having witnessed its birth before he leaves.

Sunday at Zhang Mu Shi's place was as usual, a really fruitful time. we had a discussion that ultimately led the topic of emotions Vs true spirituality. What role does one's emotions play in one's true spiritual condition? As a worship leader who fails to feel any joy in the Lord that day, is he oblidged to carry a fake smile up there and still lead praise songs in the prescribed manner? Or can he go up there and declare as David did, "Why so downcast O my soul?".

I think I take great comfort in the fact that our pastors recognize that emotions are a very important part of our spirtual lives, that should neither be denied, or dialled down. They need to be addressed. Unfortunately, in a conveyor-belt style of chirstian education that we seem to have adopted, hardly anyone seems to be able to understand, empathize and address emotional struggles in one's spiritual lives, beyond the question of whether one has observed spiritual disciplines or not. And if the sufferer say that he has in fact served out spiritual disciplines but still feels that God is turning away, the christian and very often even the church itself can give no answers.

I think if we keep moving in this direction to address real needs and concerns that the church has, I'm feeling that this is a church that might have some hope after all. That there is indeed a thick silver lining from the dark clouds of Chen Mu Shi's imminent departure.

Today I went to watch Phantom Of The Opera. Emmy Rossum was so pretty. She really is. But she just couldn't carry the voice of Christine Daae. So in that sense it was a little disappointing because no matter what, it is a musical after all. But otherwise I think it really is a great production, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There's something so haunting and appealing abt the Phantom himself. He doesn't have a name, and is the definitive tragic hero. Like his two lines "This face conjures a mother's fear and loathing/My mask - my first unfeeling scrap of clothing", he was someone who was outcast by society. And like Quasimodo who went in search of love and beauty and got everything horribly wrong, he ultimately again was the self-sacrificial character who found redemption by again condemning himself a life of loneliness and darkness. And I guess there is always a very attractive quality to me about being a tragic hero, someone I always fancied being. The way I would choose to go to great lengths to meet a person's wants, even at a cost to myself, and many times wanting to do it without the other person. A kind of addiction is found in the satisfaction derived from the knowledge that I gave at the cost of myself to make something happen for someone else.

Ah well. 4am gibberish seldom seems as impressive in the morning when I wake up again. But at least for now it makes perfect sense.

Oh, I received some really sweet gifts this X'mas, from a really sweet 'card' (thanks Ruth!) to a sling bag that Paul tried very hard to conceal from me by swearing a bit too much that he got me a really cheap gift. Thanks buddy. Grins.

I guess 2004 hasn't been exactly a great year for me. But I figured I must be reaching rock bottom soon, so hopefully 2005 will be the year I start bouncing back.

Looking Inside

Its been so long since I last posted. Ironically, after my exams, having more time away from my computer means I have less time to blog. And man... so now eric has inadvertently become one of the select few with access to my blog. All because of an oversight when I posted a comment on his blog. Ah well. He's well familiar with my whinings anyway. And after all, now he knows what to get me for X'mas, when he's back. Grins.

Its curious, how much one's tone can change so many times over a week. How much one's mood can be affected by the slightest thing that happens, or even the slightest thing that fails to happen. As predicted, the period following my exams has been one huge anti-climax. My relief cannot be complete without the actual release of my results, which will either affirm my relief at the end of my NUS ordeal, or signal the start of my life as fish food.

But seriously, even as throughout the whole week I swing between my polemic moods - one minute feeling the deepest anguish and despair at failing to make anything of my life at 25 yrs' old (which is severely augmented by my equally paranoid fears that I'm still gonna fail this sem), and also the optimism that shrugs iff the wasted yeas, and welcome the new phase in my life, come what may (read - still, the fear of failing seeps through. Only this time, I take it in my stride).

But it is indeed a real worry, and a real source of my perpetual despondence - the feeling that all those promises that I showed as a teen are irretrievably lost. Growing up in a family that has always placed a very high premium on achievements, the approach of X'mas and New Yr inevitably brings on an imminent sense of dread, that its time yet again to face all my relatives with theier over-achieving sons and daughters. Don't get me wrong - I'm terribly proud of my couins' achievemnts, and couldn't be ahppier for them. but when the spotlight gets trained on me, and the pressure is on for me to present my show-and-tell of my accomplishments, it is particularly hard to feel that I've let my parents down. And I guess at the root of it, that's what hurts the most.

I have absolutely no ambitions. Given my way, I don't mind being one of those dear waiters I see in restaurants, that have worked there their entire lives, from the time they were 20 till they retire at 50. Those dear old men who recount to you how times have changed from the times since they started work there in their youth, and how they continue to serve you with a dignified pride in their job. Yet somehow I get the feeling that would profoundly disappoint my family. Not to mention my friends, and even myself. And somehow I've even come to think I shd make more out of my life.

Yet in those moments between lucidity of thought, and pure unadulterated madness, I struggle with the notion of making something out of my life. Isn't what I do for the kingdom of God what really counts? Isn't the minding of where I end up on the ladder of social status quo merely materialism neatly packaged up as pratical and good common sense? And so on days of lucidity I can resolve these thoughts, only to be plunged back into madness moments later. (Them blasted mood swings that never seem to stop.)

Its been a melancholic few days. And its really silly. From watching CSI, and the rather depressing episodes nowof Grissom's team being torn apart, to The West Wing where Leo's heart attack leaves Barlett even more isolated than ever - augmented by his paralysis from MS and his staff that are slowly learning to move on from the Bartlett administration. Then there's the whole series of Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot novels, right up to the last one where he dies... this wierd confluence of materials have left me in a curiously disheartened state.

Add on to the fact that Chen Mu Shi is leaving... the idea is finally sinking in. The dear dear old reverend that has held me in his arms when I was a baby, and baptized me... confirmed me 18 yrs later... and who has always been a mainstay in the church I grew up in... and always was someone who embodied the life I ought to be living... he was going to be gone for good. Short of being at his funeral, this was as final a frewell as it would ever be. He's gonna retire from this church, start attending service at another church... and I can see how in the hustle and bustle of a new leadership as well as the struggles of going independent, he will quickly become a forgotten figure of the past, fondly remembered on occasions.

Its just so poignant of Moses... leading the Israelites for 40 yrs... only to be denied the Promised Land at the final step of the journey. He has led us ths far in our church... and yet he has to leave just when his dream has finally been realised, of seeing this church take on yet another milestone. Even as he embraked on his series of farewell messages these 4 weeks, his voice was evidently breaking on the pulpit, as he shared of his deep love for the church, for us, and the reluctance of his leaving. And it suddenly hit me just how much I'm going to miss him.

Its really funny. I probably have spoken less than an hr's worth of conversations with him in thye past 25 yrs of my life. Yet in his departure, the void left by his absence is such a tangible one. I guess I could shrug it off as one of those sentimental moments that I tend to bring on... yet at the same time is also the feeling that this is because he has truly been one of the living spiritual giants that I've had the privilege of being shepherded by, and his absence is tangible because he takes with him when he leaves, the spiritual presence that has come to be an almost tangible presence around him. The prayers that has been accumulated over 28 yrs on behalf of the church, the sweat, the toil, the heart of servant-hood... With all due respects to the new leadership... losing him will always represent an incalculable loss.

Watched Love Me If you Dare finally, a while ago. And I finally understood why Paul was raving abt the movie. It really is a poignant and very incisive narrative of how we hurt those we love, and can only be hurt by those we love. Yet there is something in the show that the hopeless romantic will always be enchanted by, the notion of a love so strong that it can stand 30 yrs of hurts and distance. Also watched Look At Me, another french film. I think both are so powerful at narrating the interraction between pple of all sorts, from the rich and beautiful the poor and unsuccessful... and how inevitably its so funny that we still end up grappling with exactly the same inadequacies and insecurities.

I think that's enough emotional diarrhea for tonight. Time I try to catch some sleep.

Christmas Wish List

All you people out there who claims to love me... go spread the word!!!

1. CDs. (There a really nice one by Aoife. Or else The Best Of Blue. Or Westlife - Allow Us To Be Frank. Or else just something quite, mebbe mildy celtic.)
2. I need a wall clcok for my new room. A really nice one is sold for only 30 bucks at B1 in Raffles City, beside the flower shop.
3. Vouchers are always welcome. Grins. I accept VISA and AMEX offers too. Even Mastercard!!
4. If anyone won lottery and wants to buy me the iPod, I'll kiss the bloke - male or female. Hell, if a dog bought me that, I'd kiss the dog too.
5. Who's the Boss? Season 2. (I'd marry the person who manages to find this.)
6. Peugeot Gti 206, aka Annette. *grins*

Notice how for this entry I've decided to leave the fonts larger than usual.

=)

Now, all my fans out there... show me how much you all worship me!!!!!

Muahahahaha...

What's Next

The saying goes "I wish that they would have told me that when you reach the top of the mountain, there's nothing there." So here I am, at the end of 5 yrs of almost futile study, and my last paper stares me in the face in the morning. I wonder what's the point, and what the hell it could be that's keeping me awake at 2 plus in the morning. Maybe its cos even before the papers end, I'm anticipating the disappointing anti-climax that is bound to follow right on its heels.

What's next, Peng? A job?

Just yesterday when I was at the airport sending my sis and Joseph off, he asked me what was the most exciting thing I've ever done. Night cycling? Nopes. Wall climbing? Nopes. Bungee jumping? Nopes. In the end, its so sad to conclude that the most exciting thing I've ever done was go to NS. I wrote something abt living a life of perpetual inconsequence before, and now I find myself facing up to that reality once more.

Did something that at least brings a little peace back to the insanity of my life yesterday. I bought Grace a present for her birthday, and wrote her a card, apologizing for what I did wrong, from the time we were together till the time we broke up. I guess it was one of those things that God's been nagging me since forever to do already. And I guess with the easing of the tension between us, it makes it easier for me to start forgiving her. At least, today when I bumped into her at PS, I was able to look her in the eye and know that I'm trying to make things right. And so while I don't see how things could ever be the same again, esp as long as she remains so dependant and fixated with Andrew, at least I know I've tried.

I think life can be such a funny thing at times. Sometimes the harder you try, the harder something gets. Some of my happiest moments have caught me by surprise. That moment in time when you are suddenly caught unawares in a mood of happiness, where you feel that your soul is given that lift it badly needs, rather like a flat tyre that gets a badly needed pump, before it goes right back to the process of slowly letting air out again. These curious spells of reversals in one's outlook and perspective. And I guess the more desperate I get, the harder I try to generate these moments. And the harder I try, the more elusive it proves itself to be.

Maybe that's why God tells us not to worry, for tomorrow will have its own worries. To stop seeing the dark clouds looming in every horizon, but to learn to rest in His providence, and stop seeking.

Yet everytime I try to rest, these neuroses comes right back at me, seeking to drown me with their currents. And like Peter, I take a step of faith only to sink right after that. Or like the man who cries out to Jesus "I believe! Only help my unbelief!"

Sometiems I wonder if I'm really mildly schizophrenic. Given how I seem to be two totally different persons in my public persona versus my private. Sometimes its hard to tell which is real, since I either do a really good job of pretending to be happy when I'm with people that I start believing I'm happy - or else I do indulge in my apparent depression so much that I really convinced myself that I'm unhappy. And so as I swing between the two extremes constantly everyday, mebbe that accounts for why I always feel so tired emotionally.

God, I wish I were dead. All those tombstones that say Rest In Peace... I hope calling it the Long Sleep is just a form of euphemism, cos if the sleep is anything like mine, it sure ain't much of a rest, and it sure as hell ain't much of a peace either.

Nevertheless, that Long Sleep from which one never wakes, until judgement day comes... I never thought that I'd be 25 and desperately wishing for that rest. At 12, I was a bubbly young boy with an ego the size of China, so sure was I that I was a good guy who was gonna make something meaningful out of my life. Not even for a second did I imagine that I'd have become the person I am today within a mere ten score of years.

Shit.

Can't sleep.

Ugh!

One of those night again where I'm bound by a frustration that I can't pin down, except to recognize that its a gnawing sense of frustration, that keeps eating away at me, that I can't get out of me, since i can't even tell if its in my head or in my heart.

Taufik won Singapore Idol, by the way. He beat the Ah-Beng Sylvester, and boy did I heave a BIG sigh of relief. No way would I have been happy seeing a bloody Ah-Beng represent Singapore at World Idol. Talk abt negative projection.

It used to be that penning these thoughts down goes a long way to venting my emotions, allowing me the moments of respite where I can have a little more peace to rest. Yet perhaps like the drug that I've come to liken it to, I've become addicted, and it no longer is able to satisfy.

Maybe its time I embarked on a higher form of drugging myself and numbing my senses - time to do some of those stuff that I've never done.

Bah, who am I kidding? I won't last 3 steps out of the front door.

Shit, Im pathetic.

look! the search thing is up, and it's quite effective. =)

My Tribute

Sacrifice
Bob Fitts

O, this must be the hardest tear I’ve ever cried
For I must sacrifice you, promised son of mine
And so I go to worship with you by my side
And trust a sacrifice He will provide

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you
I will now offer you
For surely He could raise you up again

Here on this altar, Father, I lay all my dreams
And offer back to You this child You’ve given me
O, son you must believe He’s called us to obey
And by His love He’ll make a better way.

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you.
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you,
I will now offer you
For surely He will raise you up again

O, Abraham, O, Abraham
Now that I know you fear My name, withhold your hand
O Abraham, O faithful man
Your only son, he is not the one
Behold the lamb, behold the Lamb

It must have been the hardest thing He’d ever done
When God the Father sacrificed His only Son
The One that He most cherished gave His life away
And by His love He made a better way

And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
You truly are the Giver of all good things
And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
Your sacrifice is now the King of kings

Jehovah Jireh
He has provided
The sacrifice of love no man could ever pay
And what He requires of you and me
Even the hardest things
Your blood of Christ, your sacrifice,
Gives me strength to obey.


The story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son has never failed to move me deeply. The kind of trust and faith in God that when He takes away everything that was ever important to Abraham, that he can still believe God is faithful and worth obeying... that's the almost mythical faith that I'vge always wanted to have.

So that when God took away my fellowship 6 yrs ago, my girlfriend 2 yrs ago, and my scholarship a yr ago, and potentially my degree in a little while's time, (not to mention my trim figure 8 yrs ago) I would still be able to sit back, and say with all sincerity and conviction that I know my Lord is good, and that as much as I'd like to chastise myself for all my failures, I know He is good and will look out for me.

And so He has. In the friends I have made and the friendships that have been strengthened since my life started falling apart. The people in my fellowship who are now slowly and steadily coming back to church, and the fellowship that even though has been scattered in different small groups, have nevertheless remarkably kept contact and kept our sense of identity as a fellowship. Remarkable that I've also started suddenly bumping into and re-establishing contact with some very very long lost friends, dating back to Pri 1. (Read: 19 yrs ago)

And so it is with that sense of astonishment that I look back to the past few yrs with the same familiar feeling of regret and nostalgia, but now very much colored with a great sense of thankfulness that I see more than just a silver lining in the dark clouds in my life, but very much the sun that is indeed behind the clouds.

Hehz... Gee, I sound like a man who is dying. You know how they always see the light at the end of the tunnel just before they die? I sure hope this has nothing to do with it. Grins.

Anyway, just wanted to put these thoughts down before I let them run away. Its not too often that I can sit down on my blog and do something other than whine and moan abt how pathetic I am, and how even more pathetic I am for whining and moaning about it.

Today, I have something to give thanks for.

How cool is that!

Without A Name Or A Face

See, I've gotten to know this girl for a while now. And I dunno when and I dunno how, but more and more I'm starting to think of her wherever I go and whatever I do. Its like I can't control myself. It really spooks me, its scary. Sometimes I wonder if its love, or whether its just a crush. But it just feels like here's a girl who truly knows me, like the girl I've always been waiting for. Someone who can read my body language, anticipate what's on my mind, and who's able to look out for me as much as I try to look out for her.

Naturally I'm always looking out for her well-being, wondering what I can do to make her day better, or what I can msg her to bring a smile to her face. Rather like how her every gesture for me or msg to me always bring a smile to my day, and a glow to my face.

Its times like this that I start bringing out all the good 'ol love songs that I always listen to, and wonder if there'll ever be the day when I can sing them out loud to her, and tell her how I feel. See, she's almost too perfect to be true. She was everything that I always wanted in Grace, but never found. A face that can stop my heart everytime she looks right into my eyes when she talks to me. A good girl who has a genuine interest in God, with a heart so gentle that it has none of the holier-than-thou mentality you see in so many pple who profess to be serious abt God. And on a good day, I dare to harbour the hope that she loves me too. We talk on the phone everyday, so she must feel the same way too, right? We msg, talk, have lunch or dinner pretty often, so I definitely have a better shot at her than anyone else, right?

On the one hand I keep obsessing over the fact that she's just about too perfect, and on the other I start to realise that the more perfect she is, the more I think I'm so unworthy of her. With my screwed up life and mind, what can I offer her that she deserves? Nah... she deserves someone better than me. Someone who can make something out of her life. Someone who can bring her some material comfort on top of just emotional companionship. Someone whom she truly deserves.

But deep inside I like to think that if I do ask her, she'd say yes. Cos she's a romantic like me, who believes that nothing matters more than two people who have found in each other their true soul-mate. Someone who's willing to make the marriage vows of "for better or for worse" something she wants to carry out.




Muahahahahaha... man, who the hell am I kidding? If such a girl were to come into my life, I'd swear I was dead and in heaven already. Grins. Or else it will soon turn into an absolute nightmare where she turns out to actually be a married woman, who used to be a guy. No way would I ever get it so good in my life. But it sure was fun to wish and hope there for a while. (Read: My Name Without A Face, or else My Face Without A Name. *winks*)

Grins.

Hehz...

Just got home from watching THE INCREDIBLES. And man, it was incredibly (yes, pardon the pun) funny and awesome. Absolutely hilarious. Hahahaha... After yesterday's escapades of lunch and shopping with Paul and supper with Serene, Simon and Caleb, tonight's moie represents the last scrap of fun I have before hitting my books once again. Yes, that's right.

I still have two more friggin' papers to go before my exams finish on 2nd Dec. Its the bloody last day of the exams, I believe. And so there I am, gonna be one of them last losers to be hanging out at the library mugging away when everyone's out watching THE INCREDIBLES. Wait a minute, incredibly (ugh) - I've watched it already!!!

Wuahahahahaha...

Man Utd won last night. Alex ferguson's 1000th game in charge. Whoo hoo!!! While Liverpool's amazing injury jinx carried on last night, with their sole remaining fit striker now out also, barely 2 mins into the game. So as per their newly-established tradition, they lost 1-0. Muahahahaha... my luck must be turning!

At this rate, that girl without a name or face might actually show up!

Mamma Mia, Here I Go Again

A more apt title I could not have found anywhere else. Went to watch the show again last night with my family. Yet its a slightly more frustrating night, given how the supporting lead of Sophie was played by the understudy, who just wasn't good enough to be honest. Kindda spoilt the fun a little. But otherwise it was really worth the second watch. Grins. Any kind souls who wish to sponsor me a ticket, I'll be willing to put up with a third attendance. Grin grin.

Lotsa of things happened these few days I guess. The most notable being that my boyfriend's flown off to Sydney with Joz, and Sophie has finally gone to the police over Andre. But since she didn't lodge an official report, Andre's still getting away with murder. In the words of Nut, trying desperately to still sound like a good girl, "WTH", as opposed to the alternative that always simmers just beneath the surface of her thoughts.

Anyway the bastard wuss actually tried to intimidate her right in front of me. I was escorting her to see him, so she can tell him that she's not gonna give him anymore money. And he just kept trying to to stalk her every step of the way, taunting her, threatening her, et al. But like the wuss that he is, when I'm ard he didn't dare lay a finger on both her nor me, even when I was deliberately trying to provoke him.

Bloody hell. Never knew God created these sort of City Harvest Christians. Oopps. I meant, these kind of guys. Hehz... But honestly, I sure hope someone in his church will realize that he probaly doesn't believe in hell, given his behaviour. I knew his church had dodgy doctrine... but this is just ridiculous. Even the Muslim believes in some form of hell.

Dammit. I really wanted to keep it above the belt about CHC. Ah well. Grins. Guess you can't hide a light under a blanket. Hehz...

Been having really really bad dreams, keeping me up all night. Just 2 nights ago I was kept awake the whole night with this uncontrollable rage towards Andrew and Grace. Its was like the pressure I felt with the Scrabble dream before that, only this time it was rage. Sigh. Woke up not feeling particularly angry or anything also. Just freakin' tired. Dammit, I need a shrink. If nothing else, to shrink my waistline. Hehe...

First paper is in 2 days' time. Shit. Where's my drunk driver who's supposed to kill me?

Where? Where? Where?

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME.

Muahahahahaha.... cringe before me, you mortals...

don't run your cursor over here

Scrabbled Brain

So its the end of another week, and my exams are just a week away. Cool. I always wanted to know what it feels like when you realise you only have one week left to live... and this is it. Diana called me last night to ask me how I'm doing. Seems like I'm one of the few pple who actually is lonely enough to still remember who she is... I'm guessing that's why she actually still calls me to find out what's happening back home. Hehz... Anyway, she was again going on abt her problems with KC... how her mom doesn't approve... how she worries over when they'll ever get married... that sorta stuff. Listening to her go on and on for the 20th time abt the same concerns again... gave me the sudden realisation what everyone who reads my blog must feel... Hahaha...

So to all my loyal blog readers... I shd count no more than 3, actually... yeah! You all DO love me... Muahahahahaha...

What's interesting is how Sophie actually called me. Ever since Paul told me abt how Andre hits her, I was really wondering when her name would show up on the obituaries. I mean, we all know Andre's a pyschotic maniac who doesn't even deserve to end up with ... ... Grace. Muahahahaha... (Yes, Nut... Ruth DEFINITELY knows Grace. She used to have BS under her... hahaha...) Back to Andre - but what makes me even more confused is how bloody stupid and blind love can be. No wait. Correct that. They don't even love each other. Guess they're just really stupid then. Sigh. I'm actually genuinely concerned abt Sophie. But I don't understand why it is that the bigger the bastard you are, the harder it is for the girl to leave you. Joz and Grace left me and Paul easily enough, I guess. And yet after taking her money, beating her and basically abusing her both emotionally as well as physically, (Attends City Harvest Church at the same time, I might point out. *snicker*) Sophie can still decide that she will stick with him, and actually harbour the hopes that he will get better.

Ugh.

My sis was right after all. STUPIDITY HAS NO CURE.

Anyway, after these trivia abt the latest non-happenings in my life, I guess it really would be pretty sad if my blog does not at least give passing mention to two pretty big pieces of news that took place recently. This China girl called Huang Na was abducted, and found a few days later naked, shoved into some cupboard box and dumped somewhere. Think it was a really really sick case. As a documented paedophile myself (by all my darling beloved friends, no less..), I guess if even I myself am disguted with the whole case, that surely speaks volumes. Shall talk more abt that in a while.

Of course, the biggest news coming out after that is that Yasser Arafat is dead. And the whole Middle East goes absolutely nuts as everyone descends into a greater panic than the millenium bug crisis. Ironically, the West Wing just resumed season 6, which carried the storyline of the leader of the PLO, Hamas and the Prime Minister of Israel being invited to Camp David to hold peace talks. I wonder how much of the irony did the producers and writers felt, hearing of Arafat's death at roughly the same time as the episodes are being aired.

Quote of the decade: "The official mourning period is over today and there is a silver lining - George W Bush is prohibited by law from running again." - Michael Moore

Anyway, something struck me in the news today. As Malays all over S'pore celebrate Hari Raya, and breaks fast, a reporter decided to pose as a poor Malay girl who knocks on the doors of Muslims and begs for food and water to break fast. And I guess its a pretty sad but probably expected indictment of S'poreans that she was turned away by most. Even the reporter failed to be at least remotely impassive in her wriitng, but fully expressed her severe disappointment at the treatment she received. Seems that from families who just told her to go to the nearby mosque to beg, to families with so much food all over the house she could see it from the crack of the door that was opened to her, everyone claimed they had no food to offer, and would not even provide a cup of water. One shoved 2 dollars at her and told her to go buy water elsewhere then slammed the door on her.

Seems that the only families which responded were those living in one room flats, and those who had almost nothing to give. These were the ones who opened their doors and invited her to come in and share what they had. I guess what struck me was how if it was Chinese New Year and someone had come up to my doorstep begging for food, he probably would have gotten some... but nowhere near the kind of hospitality extended by those a lot poorer than I. I'm reminded that those who have been the recipients of the most grace are the ones who remember to be thankful, and share what they have. And I guess lots of us seem to no longer have anyone to thank for what we have today, convinced that we all are self-made men with only ourselves to thank for all we own. Like Bart Simpson's prayer at the dinner table "Dear Lord, we paid for this meal ourselves, so thanks for nothing actually".

Yet even as I talk abt the apparent civic apathy of S'poreans, the Huang Na case highlighted that many in S'poreans, albeit the older ones... continue to show that pple actually do care. I think 8000 pple sending off the girl at the crematorium might have really been an overkill, but there's something laudable abt the fact that S'poreans are at least showing up instead of just sitting back at home. Its a puzzle... there's always this Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde syndrome abt S'poreans, where we are capable of rising to the occasion and makes me believe at least for a while that S'pore's not that bad after all. Yet there's always more than enough tales to be told of pple who probably don't believe in hell, given their behaviour.

Ah well. Its another sleepless night here for me. Good news is that Man Utd won Newcastle. Grins. Seems that they can only score when Van Nistelroy is back.

But otherwise its been one of those days when I'm just feeling very down. Dunno what's bugging me. Spent the whole day with people, but just can't bring myself to really feel good. Mebbe I'm just really stressed and tired out. Keep having these really bad dreams whenever I try to sleep, that keeps me awake. Like this dream where I was just under intense pressure to keep churning out words from the 7 tiles I had in front of me, ala scrabble. There was no scenario, just the tiles in front of me that keeps changing as I make out words... and that very strong pressure to keep formimg words. I keep waking up, then going back to sleep only to resume that dream.

Sigh. Some drunk driver shd just hit me and be done with it. God knows there's very little left in this world that I can call my own, that I can live for anymore.

All For One & One For All

Was watching the show "The Man In The Iron Mask" only recently, a story I have always been fascinated with since I was a primary schoolkid. The legend forever linked with the tales of the Three Musketeers, the exploits of Athos, Portos and Aramis, and the swashbuckling heroics of D'Artagnan... man, those were the days when I still believe in knights and honor.

Yet this is one heck of a show, since I thought Leonardo Di Caprio actually showed that he could actually act... and still Jeremy Irons was brilliant as D'Artagnan. The music was by WG Snuffy Walden, one of my fav composers, who also happens to be responsible for the theme song from The West Wing. All in all, the show has always been a favorite of mine, predictably because of its bittersweet ending which I so love.

All for one and one for all. Rather like the same motto as what we saw in Black Hawk Down, when the pet phrase was "leave no one behind". The same idea that they live and die together, and for each other. And as I was watching it for at least the tenth time now, the last scene where the 4 heroes decided that they shall all die together as they charged the king's musketeers, and something abt the scene never fails to capture me.

I don't think I've come anywhere close to seeing the kind of spirit in my tuanqi before. I mean, the bible exhorts all of us that we're all one body made up of many parts. One for all and all for one, right? Sadly, no. Conflicts aside... even within a fellowship at peace with each other, things just become too peaceful, that no one seems to be alive or awake. I've never had the opportunity (mebbe being totally insensitive, I missed it) to do something for someone in my tuanqi that required me to have that will-be-willing-to-pay-any-price attitude. No one seems to have such a need, no one seems to believe in asking for it.

So what's missing? One question the Youth Min leadership has been asking non-stop for so long is "why the lethargy?" I mean, I'm not even talking abt churches with the bulk of well-meaning christians who are willing to offer the bare minimum in service... where the problem is in getting someone out of that huge pile to commit more. In my church's case, its even difficult getting someone to do ushering. Inevitably the ushers are late for service themselves. And I ask myself - if they can't even do something as low-commitment as that, what hope is there to find people who are willing to stand up to be counted?

"Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for a friend."

I guess if we ever want to live out the practical reality of heaven, and to bring the kingdom of heaven into our midst, we really shd learn to start loving one another. A little more of that all-for-one mumbo-jumbo will prob go a long way to establishing the kingdom of heaven on earth.

... ... thus ends my break from studying. Hehz....

INFP

Yeaps, that's what I am. Just did the MBTI test.

This is what I am.

INFPs are driven by their deep, personal values on their lifelong quest for meaning and harmony. They always make sure their actions follow their beliefs, their need for integrity is so strong that they are physically unable to do something they believe is wrong. If they ever do go against their values, they will atone for it without telling anyone about it. Sensitive and caring, INFPs are very empathetic and nurturing to their friends, but they are selective about who they allow to get close. They seem cool and a bit apathetic at first and it takes a long time to get to know an INFP. They often take things personally, and their feelings are hurt easily. INFPs also usually keep negative feelings to themselves, and would rather stop talking to a close friend than confront them. They also tend to idealize relationships and become depressed if they don't work out as well as they envisioned. Because INFPs dislike confrontations so much, they are likely to procrastinate until people forget, or just say 'yes' and then go do whatever they want.

INFPs are creative and imaginative, with a strong interest in the arts. They are especially gifted writers and poets. INFPs are open-minded and accepting of anything as long as it doesn't interfere with their values, then they become rigid and unforgiving. They are usually very interested in spiritual and religious aspects of life, and the search for their true self. They are often so preoccupied with self-awareness that they fail to notice outside activities, giving them an almost other-worldly quality. INFPs are the most idealistic and least practical of all the types. They 'march to the beat of a different drummer.' Thoughtful and soft-spoken, INFPs make excellent counselors and advisors. They are drawn to psychology and the arts, and have an almost mystic understanding of life and the universe. INFPs believe strongly in a balance between light and dark, good and evil. Despite this preoccupation with finding evil, they are able to recognize the good in anyone or anything.

Another Review:

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world and are seen as reticent and even shy. Although they demonstrate a cool reserve toward others, inside they are anything but distant. They have a capacity for caring which is not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a cause. One word that captures this type is idealistic. At times, this characteristic leaves them feeling isolated, especially since INFPs are found in only 1 percent of the general population. INFPs have a profound sense of honor derived from internal values. The INFP is the Prince or Princess of mythology, the King's Champion, Defender of the Faith, and guardian of the castle. Sir Galahad and Joan of Arc are male and female prototypes of an INFP. To understand INFPs their cause must be understood, for they are willing to make unusual sacrifices for someone or something believed in.

INFPs seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect. They often have a subtle tragic motif running through their lives, but others seldom detect this inner minor key. The deep commitment of INFPs to the positive and the good causes them to be alert to the negative and the evil, which can take the form of a fascination with the profane. Thus INFPs may live a paradox, drawn toward purity and unity but looking over the shoulder toward the sullied and desecrated. When INFPs believe that they have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. The atonement, however, is within the INFP, who does not feel compelled to make public the issue.

INFPs prefer the valuing process over the purely logical. They respond to the beautiful versus the ugly, the good versus the bad, and the moral versus the immoral. Impressions are gained in a fluid, global, diffused way. Metaphors and similes come naturally but may be strained. INFPs have a gift for interpreting symbols, as well as creating them, and thus often write in lyric fashion. They may demonstrate a tendency to take deliberate liberties with logic. Unlike the NT, they see logic as something optional. INFPs also may, at times, assume an unwarranted familiarity with a domain, because their global, impressionistic way of dealing with reality may have failed to register a sufficient number of details for mastery. INFPs may have difficulty thinking in terms of a conditional framework; they see things as either real or fancied, and are impatient with the hypothetical.



And yea, I did with a pretty primitive online test. But I like what I read. Grins.
http://www.boomspeed.com/zsnp/mbti.htm

Buzz Off...

Hehz... the title's in honor of all that's going on in my life now. From my boyfriend who's buzzing off to Sydney, to Ruth's parents who are telling me to buzz off their daughter, to my own darling sister who told me to buzz off the TV couch and sit on the floor... so that SHE gets to be the one on the couch. Muahahahaha... the bumblebee analogy couldn't have come at a more apt time. Grins. Of course, add on the fact that when I visited the rehearsals tonight in church, everyone was shocked to see me, and was telling me to buzz off and study. Ha. And coming home again so late at night, I get to tell Ruth to buzz off my blog and those pics of my girlfriend. Muahahahaha.... yeah, Ruth's the name of my Schizo Manifesto. In my manic depressive state, I've reverted to the mentality of a 5 yr old.

Grins.

Dammit. I'm bloody lame. Nuckin' Futs.

Muahahahaha...

*winks*

Anyway, just jotting down another of my now-brilliant-to-me-but-tomorrow-will-look-super-moronic-and-lame thought. Was pondering abt the idea that God gave each of us different aptitudes. These aptitudes we label as gifts. So some of us play, some of us dance, some of us just make noise. Others are gifted in teaching, in preaching, in caring, blah blah blah... And so in the parable of the talents, we're told that it's not important how many gifts we're given, but that we be faithful in making sure we're fruitful in utilising those gifts, to the glory of God. And for those gifts that we don't have, we shouldn't have to worry too much abt it.

So here's my question, always seeking to blame something or someone else for my lack for discipline - so why can't the ability to dscipline myself be an aptitude? Some guys just naturally seem to have a better grip on themselves. (No Paul, not THAT way.) And so if discipline is actually an aptitude, why the hell am I being judged for not having the ability to control myself or nurture myself better than others? Isn't it almost like holding me accountable for not being able to sing like Pavarotti in service? (Tho I think if I were to sing like Pavarotti in service, I'd prob deserve to go to hell for rupturing everyone's eardrums.)

And if discipline ain't an aptitude that someone's born with, what the hell is it? Why do some find it easier to discipline themselves than others?

Man, I'm so brilliant sometimes I think I'm almost jealous of myself.

Muahahaha.... now, if only I could transfer some of my brilliance to my real life, so that next year at this time, I don't forget my dad's birthday like I did today.

Yeah. I did.

Amazing huh?

Nah... prob not. Gonna wake up a moron anyway.

=)

lalala

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
(ill be back tonight to clear up the mess....and of course add in a bumblebee picture. *buzz*...unless of course you'd prefer jean's picture here.)

Going Once... Going Twice...

Ah hell. I don't think its ever gonna go away. In fact, I wonder if its ever possible for it to actually go away. I'm talking abt the whole thing I had with Grace. Grins. Nopes, it ain't a rant abt my ex again, like all 6,462,923,734 of my blog entries in the past. Its just something that came into my head when I was musing. That in my context, its almost impossible to run away. At one level, we share the same church, and thus a lot of friends. We share a common past of 4 yrs, thus inevitably developing some similar habits and even speech patterns. In fact, as I was reading through some stuff I penned from 1997 and 1998, before I got together with her, her name came up even then, because she was highlighted as a potential leader in the fellowship.

In a church setting we keep talking abt the grace of God. And so I can't even run away from the name. Its like there is absolutely no insulation against her name man. Hahaha... and last night I asked Syl what her reaction would be if I told her I liked her. No, I'm not interested in her. Just wanted to check out what me and Paul were talking abt that day, of how it would be quite impossible to get a girl to spend the rest of her life with me, given my current state of affairs, except for thsoe who's known me before I got into all this mess. And Syl's response was that she would never think its possible because of Grace. Ugh. Ah well. Wrong person to ask, I suppose. Then she ironically tried to encourage me by reminding me that His grace is sufficient for me. Hahahaha... I'm all for dramatic irony, but sometimes God can be just so hilarious.

Ah well. Mebbe its the weather. Its one of those days when I just don't seem to be able to kick into gear to study, and so am just musing to myself. One of those days when I'm actually emotionally pretty flat. Not feeling high, nor down, just not really feeling anything at all. The English language should have an equivalent for the word "Sian". Its so useful. So descriptive. So to-the-point. And so it is that I start a monday morning, a new week, wondering abt just what I'm gonna do after my exams. I actually dun feel like going overseas. Wanna just camp out somewhere in S'pore, and have some time to myself. Then again I wonder - why time to myself? Don't I have plenty of that already? Am I really so tired of being around people? I guess I am.

Somehow its always just so tiring when talking to people face-to-face. Its so much easier talking on the phone. There's actually very few pple whose company I enjoy. I count less than 15. Even in the tuanqi setting, as much I enjoy myself, its so tiring. Esp so when I assume the role of crowd pleaser. Everyone goes home happy, my ego takes gets a temporary boost, and when the adrenalin rush goes way, the feeling of absolute exhaustion sets in. Only to a few do I actually open up, and ask to be pleased by them. Grins. And mebbe if I can have but these few at my deathbed, it would be enough.

Alternatively, I shd just start being a bigger idiot, and go around expecting to be pleased. A bigger bastard, someone with an attitude problem, and stop being so nice to everyone around me. And I don't mean whining abt wanting attention. That's being a nice bastard. I mean being a real jackass, who goes around DEMANDING that people pander to his needs, and panders to his ego. Hehz... man, if I ever can stop being a wuss for one day, I might give that a try. I'm just afarid it might end up being more tiring than being a nice guy.

Grins.

Man, this blog is turning into my crap outlet. Help. I need to stop putting my stream of concisousnes into it, and start putting something with a bit more intelligence into it.

Murphy's Law

So I ended my last entry talking abt how I hope I pass my driving before Weimin and Jean does. Turns out I'm the only one who failed. Wuahahahahaha... Talk abt irony. And Jean actually passed her driving with just 2 miserable points, while I chalked up 34. All that with the same warm-up instructor and the same tester!!! Bloody hell. Grins. But still, really glad for Weimin that she finally passed. Was starting to really worry for her if she had failed. It was her 5th time already.

Its been a pretty interesting week all in all. Watched Shark's Tale with Paul, practiced hard for my driving, had a bit of time to myself to just do some thinking, and also to take a few customary hits every week. One of which was the really bewildering news that Ruth's parents don't want her talking to me. Grins. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea how in the world I got into trouble with them man. And esp since I'm always so good with parents, being on the bad side of them actually is a most unfamiliar feeling for me. Ah well. It started as Ruth just mentioning that her mom told her to not talk to me. Didn't think too much abt that at first. Made a mental note to not msg her so much nonsense, that's all. Later that night, when we said hi on ICQ, her dad pulled the connection after seeing her talking to me. Whoa! Man, that's when I realized something was up. Anyway, spooky...

Moving on to another Ruth now. ARPC finally finished its series on the book of Ruth. And I think Andrew Ong did a pretty good job of wrapping it up. He's actually coming along really fine as a preacher. Much better than Sim Boon Yong actually. Weixiu actually kept on hounding me because I mentioned that his msg was actually pretty unsatisfactory, since it left a lot of gaping holes in what tried to present. Man... she wouldn't let up for the whole darned week. *shudder* THAT'S the girl pple want me to spend the rest of my life with?????

Ah well. One other thing that came back to hound me was when Ruth mentioned how Grace looked pretty upset after bumping into me. Came as a little bit of a shock actually. Thought she would have been over me already. Esp with Andrew by her side. Grins. Ah well. Friday night I got to spend some time with Zhanhao and Michael, and Zhan Hao suddenly mentioned Grace in a particular context, asking if I broke up with her because she refused to pander to me, and pamper me. Grins. Man, I was so tempted to tell him the truth of how it was the other way around, that she left me after I refused to pander to her anymore. Grins. But with Michael ard as well, I decided not to say anything la. So I blamed it all on Paul, making it known that he was the third party that split us up. Grins.

It gets better. Ben also came up in the conversation, and I can't help but wonder what really goes on in his head. Does he not like me simply because he wants to pander to Andrew? Or is it because he failed to steal my girlfriend and knows he looks really bad for having tried? Grins. Anyway, he's just abt the only person whom I really don't understand. Simply cos I refuse to believe how anyone could be THAT stupid. Ah well.

Speaking of stupidity now (I'm on a roll, baby...), Bush won the elections against Kerry. BLOODY HELL. And if that wasn't bad enough, that America had so many morons who actually bought Bush's spin, it seems that a lotta S'poreans are actually very glad too, that Bush won. Can you believe that??? I hope these pple like terrorists and a bad economy, cos those are the only 2 things Bush produced in the first 4 yrs. God knows he doesn't look like he's gonna be able to do much better in the next 4.

Been having a couple of weird dreams lately also. One was that I was shopping in a supermarket somewhere, and bumped into Serene, and ended up doing my shopping with her. I don't even know where to begin wondering abt that. Another night I dreamt I was talking to Weimin abt something in church, when Fort Canning suddenly became a volcano and erupted. With everyone running for their lives, I was trying to look for her cos she's disappeared. So it was like a nightmare, seeing the church burn down, pple running for their lives. And halfway through, I saw Ruth with her family and so had to avoid running into them (Guess I know where THAT came from, at least. Grins.). All in all, I woke up with a sense of amazement at the sheer stupidity of my dreams. This doesn't include the number of dreams I had of the many scenarios in which I could fail my exams and end up penniless, loveless, gutless.

Oh wait, I already am pretty gutless.

Hehz...

No wait. Loveless too.

Ah hell, come to think of it, I'm always penniless.

Ugh.

Rejoice In The Lord Always... or not.

Seems like everytime I come back here, its to report that week in week out, I've had eventfully meaningless things happening. even deaths in the family seems routine after a while, as we all just go through the familiar motions of the wake and the burial/cremation. Otherwise its the same paranoia of failing my exams still, and left with a pretty bleak future with only an A'level cert to show for the past 5 yrs of failures. Even more paranoia abt my spiritual life, abt church, abt my inability to overcome the hurt from both Grace and other friends.

The Beatitudes lists 9 blessings to 9 types of people. Blessings of the kingdom of heaven, comfort, mercy, and of seeing God. In return, you need to be meek, merciful, pure, peace-loving amongst other things. Just where in the spectrum of those who are blessed do I stand? Am I even one of those who are considered blessed? And if not these, what sort of blessings do God promise, that I think I'm receiving? I mean, on the one hand I think I really lucky just to have 10 fingers and toes. Two arms, legs, eyes and ears... etc. I really am thankful. Yet I wonder why God doesn't seem to make this night end. So much activity and laughter in the day, yet when I settle down at my computer to recount my week, all I seem to be able to put down are the dark moments of despair and paranoia. I wonder if I get to heaven, if the great men of God would confess to facing similar desperation when alone, or if its just me. How can a foreteaste of heaven and the joy it brings result in a life that always lives in shadows? Or is apostle Paul giving an incredibly optimistic exhortation when we're told to "Be joyful always"?

Cos I can't.

My joyful moments seem to be more a form of labour for me, while despair seems to be my natural state. And as much as I probaly can generate a list as long as the opposite, for the things I can take joy and gratitude in, it never seems to ring as true as my depression. In fact, they don't seem to ring true at all.

Hehz... I remember the parable in Shattered Dreams, where the man's life just keeps turning for the worse one after another. I wonder if that is the case, cos if so I won't mind it that much since it serves a purpose. But if I'm living in this darkness for no prupose other than just because I'm in a rut, then I guess I can just go out of the house, find a ditch and kill myself in it already.

Ah well. On the slightly brighter side, we had a really good session yesterday in church, where some church elders, Liu Mu Shi and Zhang Mu Shi came down to meet with the Youth Min leaders to dialogue and to also bounce ideas off each other. I think its really good that they finally bother to come down to meet with us and talk to us direct. And mebbe its cos I've switched my bias (it prob is half that as well...), but the leaders don't seem to be half as distrusting and out of touch with our position as Andrew always made them out to be. When he made himself the only proxy between the youth min and the church leadership, all we heard was how they don't approve of our ideas and the way we want to run things. Yet our own dialogues with them have turned out to be a pretty open affair, and they seem more than willing to consider what we have to say.

Sheesh.

Next week is my driving test. Monday is Weimin's test, thursday is Jean's and friday's mine. I hope I pass before the two of them does. Grins. And right now, Paul's thinking that if I drive like I did his car that day, I prob won't be allowed to drive even in heaven.

Or hell.

Grins.

The Winner Takes It All

So everything's finally settled, and my grandma has been laid to rest. The really really busy week is finally over, and the family can get back to the business of the daily humdrum of life. Was at the Esplanade last night, catching Mamma Mia, the collection of songs from ABBA made into a musical. I've always liked the stage since I was a kid, and always enjoyed a good musical. From My Fair Lady to Fiddler On The Roof, the musical stage has always managed to enthrall me with the song's ability to capture the moods and sentiments in a way that mere prose and dialogue never could. And last night was absiolutely unforgettable. Throw aside the fact that I was again playing lightbulb to Weimin and Enhan, the show was nothing short of spectacular, and even though it prob wasn't too good from a professional point of view since even I caught some mistakes they made, it was nonetheless a really well put up, and even more cleverly written script, stringing together some of ABBA's greatest hits.

Admittedly I went with a pretty limited understanding of ABBA's songs, the only one I know well being The Winner Takes It All, I actually heard most of their songs before. After all, who hasn't? The story was of a girl who was getting married the next day, but does not know who her real father is. After all, her mom slept with three men at abt the same time, so anyone of them could have fathered her. So she sets out to find out, by inviting all three to her wedding. So the story goes, and the songs just don't stop coming one after another, strung up very nicely.

I wasn't disappointed with the rendition of The Winner Takes It All. Really well delivered, and cleverly inserted into the storyline. Something abt the lyrics to the song always strikes a chord in me. The resignation that it expresses, the regret and the fatalism that it brings out... hehz.

The Winner Takes It All
I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all

Ah well. I remember as a kid thinking that the good guys always win. That somehow, as long as I'm a good guy, I won't end up on the dirt, at least not for long. But that has perhaps come as one of the biggest fantasy that has been shattered, as I find myself again and again on the receiving end of being too nice. If I were a little more of a bastard, I might have got the girl. Cut a corner and I'd have made more money. Stopped trying to help people and I'd have wasted a lot less money, have more time for myself, and mebbe end up being a lot more streetwise. And now looking back at the song I'm reminded that at the end of the day its the winner who takes it all. Why be the nice guy? Nice guys always finish last.

Someday I'm going to have to revisit my spiritual life. Was telling God last night after the show, as I was taking a walk at the park beside Thomson Plaza, that I think sometimes its always so hard to look to future glory, because so many things here seems to capture my heart. From the fact that at 25 I still dunno what I wanna do with my life, to the ever-present struggle between wanting a soul-mate to settle down with and the cynicism that such a girl really exists, to wondering whY I can't evern seem to embrace the innocent faith and love for God I see in many pple around me.

I think I fall into the category of guys who only wants what he can't have. And God's love is just a little too easy to win. And therefore just a little too easy to forget. Shit man. Mebbe God was right after all to make me wait just about forever to meet my partner. Just so I don't forget her name on the way home. Muahahaha...

Revisiting Shadowlands

So here we go again, revisting the death if someone in the family. This time the honor goes to my grandma who maanged to live to a ripe old age of 102. I never was able to talk to her much, since she spoke nothing except Hokkien, and in this case it might as well have been Greek.

I got word of it on sunday, halfway through cell when my dad phoned me to say she was in a bad way. I told him I'd rush down after cell, only to receive a msg an hr later that she passed away. Still, having known her since I was born, and having grown up for the first 5 yrs of my life under the same roof as her, I guess it does hit me a certain way when she passes away. The sense that another part of my history has detached itself. I used to muse abt how the passing of my elders in the family is the benchmark that I've grown up, and that its time to take their place. Yet, with the passing of her, and the reality that my dad's brother has also already passed away, I'm in no way feeling any older, or anywhere closer to being able to step into their shoes.

The wake service today has been an awkward one, given the fact that we're actually on really bad terms with my dad's side of the family. Without knowing too much abt the details, it probably is safe to say it boils down to money and sibling rivalry, where our family ended up being kicked out of the house, this moving to Sembawang Pig Farm where we currently reside. Fast forward 20 years, and we're still still at it, and its sad that even the passing of a loved one doesn't help much to bridge the gap. I wonder if this was what it was like when Issac and Ishmael came back together to bury Abraham. Cos if it were, then I guess that explains the tension that still exists today between the Jews and the Arabs. Grins.

Speaking of grudges, Andrew, Yuzhen and Audrey actually came down today for the wake service. Thank God I managed to avoid Andrew all the way. I tried reconciliation before, and was snubbed. I guess what's left is just avoidance. Still, it was quite a feat given how the whole parlour was so bloody small. But I couldn't help thinking of the inherent irony that existed within the scenario, where the family itself is unable to get together to mourn the loss of a loved one, and at the same time there exists not just a divided family, but a divided church. I'd be kidding myself if I say what Andrew did no longer rankles. The way he behaved not only hurt me, it also deeply disappointed me that someone whom I used to look up to so much could turn out to be like that. And even worse, how his tuanqi doesn't realise it. I hope he believes in the idea of hell, cos he sure doesn't seem to act like he does.

Grins.

And right there and then I realised how the grudge in my family could have lasted all 25 yrs and beyond. For if someone within the church could hurt me so much, how much more must be the scar from the friction within a family. And I who used to think how stupid my dad was to have sulked in the same corner for all this while, am suddenly confronted with the reality that I'm either eerily like him, or else to recognize and empathize with why he behaves this way.

Back to my grandma.

Her eulogy was surprisingly beautiful, delivered by her pastor who's known her for more than 40 yrs. Tho his sermon absolutely sucked, he delivered a really sweet eulogy. And again that talk surfaces of heaven, and of future glory, something which is so easy to forget in pursuit of daily discipline, and the focus on the now. The sermon on sunday itself was also abt future glory, making it surprisingly apt.

Ah well.

Its gonna be another excruciatingly long two nights. Hope I can last through it man. Burial's on thursday.

I ain't shitty, I'm pink

Its thursday. Another week has passed, and its turned out to be a pretty remarkable week. From Serene going up on stage to lead the response song at service, to having everyone ard me come down with a bad case of flu and sore throat, to my series of tests finally being over, and even to England winning 2 matches on the trot!!! Muahahaha.... even more amazing is that Michael Owen scored. One of those rare occasions.

Speaking of rare, I actually met up with Paul too!!! Hahahahahahaha... Yeah, we had dinner and had time to bitch abt how big a bastard each other is. Grins. Gonna miss doing that in a couple of years' time when he's too busy changing the diapers for his babies. Ha!

Had supper with Caleb last night, and Syl showed up later. And its really hilarious, cos she sorta confessed that with Johan being so nice to her and all, she finds that she's wavering, and sort of liking him back. Not that its any big news, since it was coming from 10,000 miles away, but it still yet again adds to the overwhelming mountain of stats that says if you like a girl, just keep plugging away being nice to her and she'll bite. Eventually.

Now I just need to get my hands on Michelle Chia's contact. Grins. I wonder if April's number still works... hmm...

Anyway, there was this really intereting question raised by my friend the other day, and I asked ard for a response. No one really gave a fully complete reply. But then again, there prob wasn't a real complete reply too. She asked what's the difference btw disciplining your feelings, and suppressing it. And I guess I was pretty intrigued by the whole thing, and the ramifications of that. Cos if (the answer ultimately touted) discipline only lends a rationale to the act, the ultimate act itself is still one of suppression. And if so, I guess suppression of your feelings ain't as bad as so many pple instinctively make it out to be.

Yet my question was then what sort of difference is there between suppression and denial? Between suppressing how you feel for someone whom you know is impossible, and the denial that it is still there, what's in between? I see guys like Aaron who can move on to Shirley barely 2 weeks after being rejected by Violet, and yet in one sense you can't fault a guy for moving on, can you? So what if he had waited 2 yrs instead of 2 weeks before going out with Shirley? Would that have made things any more acceptable? And if then he still liked Violet, does it mean he can't ever go out with someone else?

I see someone like Daoxing in my own tuanqi, carrying a torch for Serene for just abt forever already. Yet he's also liked lotsa other girls in the meanwhile. Like I was telling Syl last night, I wonder if he was suppressing his feelings for Serene then, was in denial, or was he just totally clueless? How would a girl feel if I told her I am courting her, but that she's the girl I moved on to because the girl I truly liked isn't reciprocating? Won't that make me an absolute bastard?

Hahahaha... I'm kindda like what Paul describes as an "old sneakers guy". I like old stuff. I like things "the way they were". Mebbe that's why I find it so hard to ever want to move on to a new relationship. I'd rather just not be attached again. Or else stay within the current circle of friends I have to look for someone. I keep talking abt expanding my circle of friends, but at 25 I guess I've more or less settled on a circle of friends I want to keep, and I no longer have the energy to make new friends. Not many, anyway. Enhan and Ruth are actually 2 pple I'm bothering with. Pretty surprising that I do, actually. Mebbe I still got what it takes, but pple nowadays just don't open up as willingly anymore.

Anyway, I'm really really really worried for Bernice. Just saw the new schedule for the Levite Ministry. With John the latest to step down from the ministry, I really dunno how she and Henry are gonna cope man. Hope they can just hang in there, since I'll try my best to be back from dec onwards.

Ah well. Back to my studies.

I ain't smelly, Nut. I wash. Grins. That's why my shit is pink. Muahahahaha...

Love & Ice-Cream

Well, I just finished a test on Social Inequality. Over the phone to Paul, my answers seemed to come out fine. But I have a feeling I was a lot more garbled in my writing. Damn. I was never born to be an academic writer. Heck, I was never meant to be an academic OR a writer. Hehz...

Realized that its been a really long while since I last spoke to Paul. Of course, its all because we've both been so busy (Have to be REALLY careful here, in order not to hurt my sensitive friend into thinking I'm putting the blame on him. He's such a delicate guy... ), that even phone conversations have been short. So it came as a little shock when he realized he hasn't told me abt his SAF case. Turned out that after the pro-rated calculations, he has a liability of ard 70K to pay off. On top of which... Here's the bombshell... He has another 706 days to serve out his NSF liability!!! Wuahahahahaha... Man, that's really gotta suck above all. Dunno how the hell they reached that figure. Even under contract, he would have just about finished it already. He said he's gonna appeal. Just dunno if its gonna make any difference.

Back to my rant on women... (grins) Nut, if you're ever gonna grow up into a woman, pls promise me you'll not end up such A... err... Nutcase. Grins.

Was thinking to myself how its like a cycle. Paul's honeymoon is drawing to an end... Simon's honeymoon too... Caleb's... Well, it never managed to really even take off. And Weimin and Ham have just abt been at it forever.

I really really really look at them, think back to the amt of grief I took when I was attached, and I wonder if its really worth it. Mebbe Apostle Paul was right after all. Mebbe it really IS a heck of a lot better to be single.

Ah well. I'm really just going on in a cycle. Listening to me work this out again and again in my blogs, you'd think it was a pressing issue, with the many girls just waiting for me to say yes to them. Sigh. Sad to report I can't even hold on to a boyfriend, much less get myself a girl who'd be remotely interested in considering spending the rest of her life with me.

Grins. I'd have a much better time, much more productive time, if I labored at length about the kind of ice-cream I'd like, and the grief that comes with eating too much... cos I can actually follow it up with a trip to Cold Storage.

Hahahahaha.... mebbe I'll do just that. Grins.

Stab me! Now!!!

Caleb called me last night, and was telling me abt how he had a talk with Naomi last night, and it seems that she pretty plainly told him to back off a bit cos she felt it wasn't the right time for them to be together.

Man, I really didn't know what to say to him. For all this while, she has been bringing him out with her, going out to meet her friends all all... then meeting all his friends... making plans to go on trips together, having gone on trips together already... then out of the blue she drops the bombshell that she still likes a guy who's currently engaged to be married. So she wants Caleb to back off a little, and "let God lead". Man! Hehz... I straight away thought of the time when Paul was agonizing over the Ape, and whether or not to tell her how he felt... and how it all turned out redundant after all, cos she decided to stick to her boyfriend.

Why the hell are girls so bloody hard to figure out? There was absolutely NOTHING at all that suggested she wasn't keen on taking their friendship one step further. There was also NOTHING at all that mentioned she was still interested in a guy who's engaged (Not to mention how wrong that sounds...), and I still remain utterly bewildered by girls who like to brush things off with a "let God lead, so right now lets not meet up so much".

I mean, the rule of teh thumb in friendships is very simple - keep in touch constantly and you draw closer. Back away and you lose touch. Period. So unless the girl has in mind that having once been close friends, when God decides to lead, they could have been out of touch for a couple of years but God will myteriously put the notion of each other back into their heads, and they'll end up together eventually. If I ever wrote a TV serial with such a development, no one's gonna believe it. Throw in the notion of God, and everyone believes that's how God intervenes

Amazing!

So there was poor Caleb, suddenly left hanging yet again. I mean, the girl's cute enough I guess... but I seriously if she's right in her head for Caleb la. One of those Pamela-esque girls who espouses that very vague notion of faith, and attributes a lot of things to it without really pausing to think it through.

A reminder once again to me abt how women are so impossibly unpredictable, that the next time I think I've got the going pretty good with a girl, I shd always just tell myself the exact opposite could be happening. Wait a minute... that's what happened with my ex. Grins. When all the while I thought she was in love with me, and was wrong. Muahahahahahaha...

Speaking of which, Simon called me also last night, asking me what could have prompted me to break off a 4 yr r/s. I suspect he's going through his first spate of problems with Charlotte. Hehz... But I just didn't have time to talk to him la. Too much problems on my own part oredi. But I'll prob try to make time for him next wk.

Ah well. That aside, monday was Daoxing's birthday, wednesday was Weixiu's. 24th is Huilin's, and 25th is Enoch's. I'm going bloody broke man.

Not to mention I just finished an essay, have to rush a video and study for Tan Ern Ser's paper tmr... man, just kill me now.

*stab stab*