Something is rotten in the state of my mind

Yeah, so I just re-read Hamlet again for the 5th time. So I probably am not a hundred percent alright. Just don't ask me what's wrong, cos like the girl that I truly am inside, I don't know.

Had the chance to catch up with Syl not too long ago, and told her what I learned in Europe. (Of course, this is gonna be abt Grace...)

Told her that all this while I kept asking myself what would it mean to be over someone. I remember telling Paul that you can't really be over someone till you are with someone else, and that your attention and commitment can finally fill the void left by the vacating of your previous girl. Now I know I was wrong. Hehz... more of that mindless chatter I keep spewing while I take a considerable amt of time to figure out what it really is...

Been asking myself that question all of the trip, and I guess at least I finally came to terms with some of the things I was struggling with. Here goes:

You don't really ever stop loving someone. It would be really silly to expect me to stop loving Grace after breaking up with her. If that were true, I probably never really did love her after all. And mebbe that's why Paul can continue to be the fool that he is towards Jocelyn. So it would be impossible to equate getting over Grace as having no more affections toward her. Instead, I feel what I need to come to terms with, and to "get over" is more the reality that I need to stop holding on to any spark of hope that I might one day get back with her again. I'll confess that sometimes I still muse over the possibility that one day we might get back together. And I guess as long as I keep loving her, it would keep being hard to not ever entertain the thought, or mebbe even the hope.

And yet, that would be the state of getting over her, wouldn't it? The point where I can love her for the person she is, and how much she means to me, without that desire that she becomes mine. So that I still love her the way I love Paul, Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan.

And this is where Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust at what I'm writing, but ah well. He loves me too, so he won't complain too much. Grins.

But this has been a tiny epiphany for me, coming to this conclusion. I guess at least now I no longer try to fight my feelings, and attempt the impossible. At least now I know I have something that I seem more likely to be able to work towards. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and berate myself whenever I still get affected when she shows up.

Enough whining.

The semi-finals are coming for Euro 2004, and I don't have anyone left to support. Sweden and England have both crashed out. Sigh... the only thing to do is watch and support the Czech Republic, for the sake of Nedved. At least he's my fav Juventus player. Grins.

Been sms-ing with Ruth a lot lately. She's pretty hilarious sometimes. But something tells me she's a lot like Weimin, who spends too much time brooding over the darker side of things. That's why I tell her she shd keep spending time with Weixiu, since that woman is just ever over-flowing with sunshine, so much that sometimes no one can stand it. Grins.

And my first season of Who's The Boss finally arrived!!! Whoo hoo! Go Micelli!!!

Just returned from Switzerland and France. Man, so much has happened in the 10 days that I was away, that I absolutely couldn't believe it. Paul's case hits another brick wall, his church goes through another crisis which affects him very pesonally, and two of his ex-crushes absolutely... err... crushes him (hehz...) with their behaviour. Talk abt having a rough time.

News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.

Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.

Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.

Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.

Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.

You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.

Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...

How does one make a life count, and move out of this state of perpetual inconsequence that I find myself trapped in?

More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.

I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.

Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.

Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.

Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?

Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.

I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.

How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...

To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?