3M

If you ever asked me to name three most powerful things on this earth that starts with the letter 'M', I would tell you Music, Memories and McDonald's. Yes, this unholy trinity that has the power to wield immense influence over everyone. Who has not felt the sway of emotions that music brings about, the tinge of sadness and regret over a slow ballad, or the energy that gradually builds in you to the rhythm of the drums? Who has not been influenced by memories of past experiences, fearing to tread a path that has brough much pain and longing to once again rediscover the road where one used to be happy? And yes, everywhere we go, we see obese people like yours truly, the products of a generation that grew up on fries and 50 cents upsizes.

Having spent the whole week with my sleep plagued by dreams of utterly ridiculous content, I sit here right now trying to gather my thoughts and my musings, and I guess I think I'm really a person who's very much influenced by my memories. My dreams have been plagued by characters from as far back as my primary school, where I even remember all of a sudden, just about everyone in my class. I dream that I'm catching up with them about the lost years, and the whole mood smacks of meeting up with old friends who have always been around.

There was another time when I dreamt of where I used to stay with my maternal grandma in Toa Payoh. Haven't been in that flat since I was primary six, yet suddenly I could remember every single room and the contents, down to the furniture et al. Some more recent memories that have made it into my Hall of Dreams include past games of DOTA with Paul (Grins.), the church basement that by now has been demolished, tuanqi days, and even one, shopping in Metro beside church, which has already become Park Mall for at least 10 years already.

I would wake up every morning utterly bewildered at the content of my dreams. Would love to seehow anyone attempts to psychoanalyze them, cos if anyone ever claims to have figured it out, then he's just too stupid to actually think they can be analyzed, or think we're too stupid to see that. Hehz...

But I guess as I was thinking about all this, I realise that I'm a guy who always looks back. Mebbe that's my biggest fault. I mean, looking back to a certain extent is good. Its keeps my current life in perspective, as I trace the path that I have been taking, and just what about me essentially has changed. But sometimes instead of looking back, I remain in the past. Doesn't take a genius to realise that was what I had been doing till recently, trapped in a past relationship that went sour, unable to move on.

And I guess with looking back comes a period of reflection, and hopefully a period of looking forward, beyond the present life that I'm living. Otherwise I'll be like what the Bible says of the man who looks in the mirror, then turns around and forgets what he looks like. So as I told Weimin just now, even as I seem to really be emerging from the shadows of the past 5 years, esp when I finally quit NUS, I really need to learn to look ahead, and look back less. Been doing enough of that already.

Working the past week has actually been my first experience at earning my own keep, believe it or not. I mean, other than tuition. So mebbe this is more like a rite of passage for me, where I now learn to finally live up to my own expectation of myself, and stop living for everyone around me.

Mebbe those dreams are kindda like what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where hopefully they'll soon be erased from my memories, and I'll be able to look ahead. God knows I'm tired of living in the past. I mean, the feeling of nostalgia is always nice. I can never understand those who always just have the energy to look forward to a brand new day a brand new adventure. I mean, its so tiring. There's something so soothing about reminiscing to oneself the things of the past, something almost magical about what "I once was".

Ah well. I'm probably just being silly. I had some pretty cogent thoughts when I started, but its just getting muddier and muddier with every line. I'm actually really tired, so I'm goona just go now.