Can't Figure

Juz played a round of DotA with Paul, where I so totally owned him. Grins. But after that, met up with Daoxing cos he called me out. And usually by the time he does, he's probably already in pretty bad shape.

Turns out he was.

No prizes too, for guessing that its gotta do with a girl, his studies and his family.

Pretty much sounds like the muck I'm stuck in too.

Worst part is how easily I was able to offer him words that made him feel better, yet made me feel worse inside. Just when I seem to be slowly letting go of my own struggles, talking to him only once more stirred them all out into the open again. And so after talking to him, when we ended the conversation at 2.30am, I told him I can grab my own cab home. I ended up walking from Thomson Plaza all the way till Casuarina Road, praying.

I started by praying that at least just for tonight, let me mean what I say when I asked God for no more no less than what is enouh to get me past each day, to teach me to continually go back to Him everyday, and to learn dependence on Him everyday. Then I told Him that I guess even as I prayed that, a part of me (a pretty big part, if I were to be honest with myself) would always wish that prayer weren't true, a part of me that doesn't want to mean what I say. Who am I kidding? I want more! A lot more! I want to achieve something significant in my life. I'm not content with mediocrity. I want success in my career and even in my church ministry. I want to be THE GUY, not merely the guy THE GUY counts on. I want money, financial stability, comfort, convenience - money enough to not have to make it an issue, money enough to always be the nice guy. I want a wife who loves me with an abandonment and trust like I've never known before, who understands me like no one else does, one who can inspire me to give back to her in kind what she gave me, and then some. I want... I want...

Its pretty amazing how much can come out in a 40 min walk, as I let my thoughts unravel freely. I guess if none of the things I want are bad, there will always be something in me that questions why some people can have it so easy, while I have to be the one who struggles to have even a little of that.

6 years on I'm still living with the scars of my wrecked degree and broken relationship. I'm still living in the shadows of my failure. Mebbe it was braver for Weimin and Enhan to have gotten back together, and to want to try harder. Mebbe I was the real coward who chose to break ranks and run, and am now paying the consequences of it.

Of course, any other given day I would know without any shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision, and am in absolutely no position to stand in judgment of anyone else's decision. But at least just for that 40 min duration, I entertained the thought of what the alternative would have been.

After all, its so hard to find someone whom you can really strike a chord of understanding with. To find a friend who understands you is already a one-in-a-million chance. To then be able to find a girl who is eligible for you to consider just stacks the odds against you. For so many reasons she could be right in front of you yet unavailable. God knows I've heard enough of such sob stories. And to really put the final nail in the coffin, the girl needs to feel the same way towards you, as you do towards her.

How The Hell Does ANYONE Ever End Up Together Happily Ever After Man????????

And if no one does, then I should just go ahead and kill myself already.

Of course, Daoxing and I talked about more than our impotence in romance, but also our impotence in finance. Already such late starters in the earning game, whether we'll ever be able to afford a wife and a family actually becomes an issue. With my current and projected future earning power of mine, there's a part of me that would HATE to put the girl I love through that, knowning that even if she were willing to go through it with me, it would cause me real pain to recognize the things I'm denying her. And of course, there's the little problem of the male ego that would inevitably knaw away at me, and my inability to lavish her with anything more tangible than my vows.

Strangely enough, I can't remember the end of my prayer. I just quietened down after a while, letting my frustration get the better of me. It soon became resignation, before slowly a sense of letting it go.

I guess I just needed to let it all out to God, and let it all out here.

Its 5.10am now. England just beat Azerbaijan by a ridiculously pathetic scoreline of 2-0.

And I'm kind of wondering right now who I find more pathetic. Me or them.

Hehz...

Ah well.

Thank God for DotA in times like this. Hehz...

Hope I can sleep now...

"It is true that we have never actually experienced, as Adam did, what it is like to be the only person on earth. And yet many of us live most of our lives as if this were indeed our situation, and that is why there is a kind of suffering known as "loneliness", a kind of suffering known as "alienation'. People can be surrounded by other people and still be lonely and alienated, because they do not care, or do not know, how to get in touch anymore with the reality of others. After all, how tiring and intrusive other people can be! They heap us with expectations, demands, responsibilities, and any sense of siginificance in our own lives run the risk of being swallowed up among the sheer numbers, the impossible teeming bllions of others in the world. We are expendable, it seems, so quickly replaced. Once we are gone, the rest of humanity will close over us the way water closes over a sinking stone. Is it any wonder if we seek some refuge from this terror of insignificance, from the crushing pressure of relationships, from the armies of other beings who would trek like locusts through the verdant pastures of our innermost soul? The need for such a refuge is met by the deliberate yet sublimal fantasy that we are all alone in the universe. And so we walk around with our heads in the clouds, pass people on the street as if they were telephone poles, look them straight in the eyes and hardly see them, and engage in conversations that are really only conversations with ourselves. Too often others are but the punctuation marks in the dry and windy monologues of our own self-centered existence."

- Mike Mason,

"The Mystery Of Marriage"

Rather Long Post

So Good Friday had come and past... had a lot of things done this week, and didn't really have the time to put it down.

On thursday late night I went down to Weixiu's house with Henry, Bernice, Jingliang and Serene to catch The Passion of the Christ, before our Good Friday service. And I think it was a really really good idea!! The next day at service when we were meditating on the 14 stations of Christ on the Via Dolorosa, it really made everything a lot more meaningful.

This has been a week when I had a lotta time to think back on what's been happening around me, and what God might perhaps be actually trying to tell me. Have had the time to get to share a lot more with both Henry and Jingliang, and even Serene as well. People like Huilin and Rulin, from way past in my life, also started becoming back in contact again. And to top it all off, within the week I've had calls from Chuanliang, messages from Jelaine and also met Mrs Lee in PS. All are from my SAJC days, fot the few pple now scratching their heads wondering. And other people aside, the last three have always left me with an uneasy feeling. 8 years on, it seems that God never ceases to remind me of how faithless I've time and again been. I told myself that I would be praying for my class' salvation, and in the odd blue moon that there was, I've actually done that. But for the majority of the time, I've either very cleanly forgotten, or else just decided not to bother with it anymore.

Just this morning Jelaine messaged to wish me Happy Easter. I told her I was really glad to hear from her (and I was!), but I just didn't know how to feel abt it because even as we wanted to wish the christians in our class Happy Easter, I told her I didn't know who was Christian anymore. Cheryl, Derek, Marcus, Yen Li... where did it all go wrong? Chuan Liang & Hanson who were interested in the gospel back then... how're they now? Why is it that its so much easier to hear abt Pariya having just graduated, or Jean just having been promoted, or even Derek and Hanson changing jobs, but so hard to simply inquire about their spiritual lives? I don't even know whether or not to feel that I've let God down.

But God never fails to bring a smile to my face, apparently. Today was a really really REALLY nice surprise to hear from my cousin that he's started attending church at FCBC, and is coming down to my church tmr cos he's trying to encourage Angelina of all people, to start attending church again. I guess to finally hear about ONE within my extended family who has started to go church has really been something that moved me deeply inside. He was one of three cousins that I had brought to my church camp 8 years ago, and he was the only one to have not responded to the altar call. 8 years down the road, I never saw this day coming when he would tell me he's started going to FCBC.

Today we had badminton in the morning, and LAN gaming in the evening. LAN gaming really really helps take away the depression of knowing that at these major events of the year, I don't have anyone special to share them with. Spending it with the Lich or Centaur Warchief helps, I guess. Hehz... But in between that, I attended a mini function in AMK, where my church's region group got together to hold the Passover Feast. I was told there would be a lamb, roasted as per the instructions in Exodus 12. Turns out that since many pple dun eat lamb, and the budget was tight, we settled for something that was beef, and prob just a stew. So the food was a bummer. but the whole event was E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T. The speaker did a really brilliant job of explaining the whole process of the Passover, and led us through the significance of each item. If ever anyone needed a reminder of how beautiful liturgy can be, that's a good way to show them. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Ruth won some MTV contest thing, and I understand there's quite some money coming in. So I'm expecting a nice treat. Grins. Wanted to buy her something to congratulate her, but didn't have time today. So I guess she'll have to settle for the thought that counts, or at least till I'm less busy (Read - next time there's a sale and I can buy something cheap). Grins.

Yesterday I had a good time with Mingyang, working on the Passion of the Christ VCD, which he's trying to clip for SAJC's Easter Week. We were just sharing and catching up, and I really really like him. I guess not the most flattering thing I could say abt him is just how much he reminded me of myself. Except that I was plumper and less tall.. Hehz... But the kind of enthusiasm, the innocence and reckless abandon he was willing to place before God, the things I like to fancy I had when I was his age in SAJC... I remember praying afterwards that he would remain exactly the way he is right now, 8 years on, that he won't have ended up like me. Innocence lost is usually innocence forever lost.

Message on Good Friday Service was good. Yu De Lin is one of my all-time fav speakers, and he certainly didn't let me down. He spoke about our segregation within the church, and how that attitude that demands every believer to only accept the christian who fits into the image of christianity that he has determined is what kills churches today. How we no longer value affirmation, but is usually too quick and eager to promote agendas in church, on the basis of being for the better good of everyone else and the church, and even to clothe the agendas in spiritual contexts to justify them. Kindda reminds me of the verse where Jesus reminds us all that the one who stumbles even one brother had better tie a millstone around his neck and jump into the sea rather than face God's wrath. How many times have I been pissed off at someone whom I think has let down my ministry by not conforming to the expectations of everyone? And how many times have I ended up chasing him or her away because of my indifferent attitude, or even my hostile gestures? I guess even as we now embark on so many reforms within the Youth Service, its a very clear reminder to value fellowship and love over agendas in the church.

Its a long garbled post. I wanted to post down my thoughhts before I forget them, but am too tired to arrange them out. Ah well.

I realise that I usually feel the loneliest when there's a lot on my heart and mind, but no one to share with. Mebbe that's why I feel the way I do right now - a little down, and very very tired.

Wednesday Already

In a flash its already wednesday, and the Passion Week is almost half over. In the meantime, I've watched Hitch, driven Weimin's car (yay!!!) which her mom actually handed to me to drive, met up with Enhan, visited Jingting and the baby, and had a really really good night of sharing with Henry. If I were a multi millionaire and making money isn't the issue, I'd say I've had a really good start to the week.

Hehz...

Anyway, Hitch was pretty good. I mean, some of the stuff were naturally unbelievably tacky and cheesy. Get past that, and they had some pretty good lines and a pretty good point. Not to mention a lotta laughs. Unfortunately its one of those movies where it would have been a lot more enjoyable without the trailers, which gave away a little too much already. Kindda spoilt a lot of the laughs since they gave it all away already.

Met up with Enhan yesterday morning, and was basically just catching up on how he's been and how I've been. Its been almost 2 months since I last caught up with him, and so I guess we've also drifted apart a little more. That's kindda sad, given the fact that we were never close, and it had taken me a while to get him to open up. Now we're kindda back to square one again. Good news is that he's gotten back with Weimin again. I'm trying very hard to not kaypoh abt their business, since I've already said all I'm supposed to say, and then some. So I didn't wanna ask anything abt them as long as they don't tell me. But I can guess its a difficult time for them both, having to decide on their long-term future. Getting back for now just to stave off the pain might be good simply cos it gets them to be functional in the short term while they have exams and assignments all pressuring them, but I guess I can't help but worry for them that its like applying a band-aid to a broken joint. But that aside, I'm gonna take him out for Street E after his exams. Its something I keep telling myself I need to start doing again - telling people about Jesus, and I guess its good to be bringing him out to do that instead of just doing scripture memory. Hehz...

And yes, the shock of my life when Weimin's mom handed me her keys to her car and asked me to go pick up Weimin before going down to KK to visit Jingting. I was under the assumption that I was only to hitch a ride from her when she's going down to pick up Weimin from her school, so she can have the car when we go down to KK. But she pulled into a relative's house, then told me to drive down to pick up Weimin. Hahahaha... always glad to have a car to drive. But man, was it stressful. Grins. But good stress. Good stress. So I drove on the roads alone for the first time today. Yays!!!!!

Grin grin.

Had dinner with my family after that, and met up with Henry at nine plus at Meng's Kitchen. We talked until 1:30 in the morning, believe it or not, walking in the park. Guess we just had a lot to share about, musings on our own spiritual walk over the years, our struggles with our failures and our inadequacies, how we're doing right now, esp when looking back on the dreams we once had for God. So we talked about relationships in church, about BGR, about missions, about ourselves and our families... man. I guess of all the diffferent male friends in my circle, most of whom are those I relate to at a peer level or else those whom come to me for guidance, Henry and Paul are the few whom I know I turn to for perspective and direction. And in the absence of the discipler or mentor I've always wanted, I guess these are relationships that I really do treasure. Moments like these with Henry are slowly happening. We seldom meet up, but when we do we can talk for hours. And I guess it comes as no surprise actually, but its always with a certain wonder to discover the many similarities we share in our struggles, from ministry to our personal issues. Its funny how before my breakup, it was always Grace who seemed to talk to Henry more while I never did talk to him so much. Yet now I seem to really be the professional gooseberry between Henry and Bernice.

Yeah, my little private joke of how me, Henry and Bernice form the Unholy Trinity of the Levite Ministry. The boy, the girl and the huge lightbulb.

Hehz...

Meeting Chee Kiong tmr regarding the brochure I'm supposed to be working on. I've never done a corporate brochure before, not too sure I'm up to it. But I guess I shd give it a shot instead of always being too scared to give things a try. Guess my greatest apprehension after I took up the offer is that I'd let CK down.

Sigh.

Ruth's been dumped by Nut, and that poor girl has not only developed an allergic rash, but I also received messages from her today abt how she's feeling kindda down again. Ah well. Apart from my out-of-body experience when I got to drive the car today, I haven't exactly been all sunshine as well.

Darn. I know its Passion Week, but mebbe what sucks is that I know my feeling down is just the same familiar feeling I always have, which means that Passion Week or not hasn't really made things any different.

Perhaps I'm just being really indifferent.

The Passion Of Christ

And so we enter into Passion Week, traditionally meant to signify the last week our Lord Jesus spent on earth before he went on the cross. Its been two years now since the movie the Passion of the Christ. I remember walking out of the cinema as though it was yesterday, with the thoughts and emotions that were stirred up. Its a pity how man are all such fickle creatures. Only on sunday Bernice was remarking about how even the most real experiences of God can be forgotten in an instance. Yet we always desire to enter into His presence, partly with the hope that if we ever do encounter Him in a very real way, we would not forget Him, but be forever changed. At least, one of the more deep seated beliefs that I always clung to was that the way to beat my spiritual slump was to earnestly seek Him, because if I were to ever encounter Him face to face, I will be forever changed.

So it was with a certain ironic sense when I mused upon how it was the same Judas who had walked and slept with Jesus for three years who voluntarily betrayed the Lord, and how even someone like Peter who witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus in His full glory would deny Him not just once but three times.

I've always looked back to the first Fei Yue Mi Wu camp as the peak of my spiritual life. My prayer life was never healthier, prob because I was in the prayer ministry then. But I guess if ever I wanted a face-to-face encounter with God, that would have been the closest by a long shot. To witness and experience the reality of how God moves when we pray - if we pray according to His will - it has never been more real than that. And so that's why eight years on I can still so vividly remember so many instances of God's hand of providence upon us back then. So why is it that after such a mountain-top experience like Peter, I would choose to again sink myself back into the mire of everyday life, and let my desire for things of the heavenly kingdom be slowly choked out by the weeds of this earth?

Fickle is what we all are.

Mebbe that's why it makes sense after all that the church does nothing much except remind us in different ways of the gift of grace that we have received by the death of our Lord on the cross. For even with the same message having been droned into me for the past 26 years, I still forget to let God lead my life, then mebbe there really isn't a need at all for any secondary message that the church needs to give. Mebbe C.S Lewis was right in the Screwtape Letters when Wormwood reminds Screwtape that the way to reduce the Christian to a mere man is to let him think that Christianity is just the "same old thing", and that it ought to be "Christ plus something else".

I find myself sitting on the crossroads of my life, where I have remained for the past 5 years. And still I refuse to relinquish my life to God. I claim to want to seek God about the direction of my future, yet refuse to give up my life for Him to lead. I keep telling Him the things that I want, the list of career options I would want to consider, the list of girls out of which I would like Him to matchmake me with one, the list of ministries I am interested in serving in, the amount of time I am willing to offer Him, and mebbe most poignantly the list of things I am not willing to give up while I want to follow him.

I guess when my life becomes cluttered up by so many things, so that it becomes "Christ plus something else", Christ really becomes very very small in my life and in my eyes. He becomes so very hard to see. Cos even when I sit down to pray to Him, all I see are my problems that I can't wait to tell Him about, all my worries and concerns I can't wait to throw out in hope that I'd feel better, and all the struggles in my life that I'd hope He'd fix. And by the time I'm done with all that, I'm done with my prayers to God. And when I look back, I see how little of Christ I have in my life, in my mind and in my prayer.

The Passion of Christ. 30 years of His life was lived with the sole purpose of preparing Himself for three years of ministry, the climax to His life on earth being the suffering He is to go through for my sake. Suddenly the lyrics to the song "Above All" becomes so much more meaningful.

Crucified, laid behind a stone.
You lived to die rejected and alone
Like a rose, trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me above all

Spending 33 years on this earth that I can't bear to be in already at 26, I guess the fact that He did it all to die for me only makes me once again appreciate what the Passion Week is all about. Mebbe it really isn't about making up for the lost years. Mebbe its not about the pursuit of my lifetime goals and desires. Mebbe its not even about the unending search for a soulmate to still my restless heart.

Mebbe its about learning to think of Christ in my life, wanting Christ in my life above all.

Big Yellow Taxi

You know the song whose chorus goes "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till its gone? They've paved paradise, and put up a parking lot." Yeah, the song they used in that ditzy movie Two Weeks' Notice? Well, I guess this could be one of those days where the song comes to mind.

Went shopping with Paul for a birthday present for my sis. Something more decent than usual, since I realise this will be our last celebration as a family before she gets married and moves on. And I guess warts and all aside, she's been a pretty amazing sister. I would know. I've been an amazing brother, and an even more amazing leach. Grins. So now that we've come to the end of all things, I guess its either now or never, that at least symbolically I repay some of the love she's shown me. So the day started with a search for the perfect handbag for her.

That ambition quickly faded with every passing moment, in no way helped out by my boyfriend who played his part to perfection, with the whole "Man, I'm so tired I can't shop anymore" gig. Grins. Not to mention the hundred and one choices that exist for the simplest of handbags, and the fact that whatever goes on in the psychopathic mind of any girl towards their choice and preference towards certain handbags that I need to factor into consideration, I quickly realised I was fighting a losing battle. In the end I wandered into St. Michael's and bought her a bag from there. The $300 bucks target ended up as a $50 buck handbag. Hehz.

Ah well. Sat down with Paul, and we chatted abt really meaningless stuff. The weather's really crazy la. Not in the mood to talk anything more serious. Brain's absolutely stoned out.

After that dropped into Takashimaya to visit Weimin and Huiyu, who then helped me to salvage the target of lavishing something on my sis. Ended up buying a set of Swarovski crystal necklace and earrings. Almost $170 bucks. Hahahaha... Boy did the pinch hurt, but I guess at least it was really something I would have regretted had I not done it.

Well, my sis at least had the decency to pretend that she really liked it, so I shall take her word at it and be glad about it. Grins.

Tmr having DG again, followed by worship prac. And if all goes well, tmr I'll be watching soccer match with Jin Liang, who might have finished with his exams. So, to my friends taking his last dentistry paper, and her GMAT paper, here's wishing them all the best. Hahahaha... so easy to be praying for them BOTH. *snigger*

But ah well. Was really happy to hear from Ham finally, abt meeting up. Will meet him on monday. Yet ironically, he showed up to look for Weimin after messaging me, so I got to see him earlier. Grins. Didn't know what he talked to her abt, and didn't wanna kaypoh abt their own business la. Just hope things went alright. Was telling Syl whatever decision they make, its not for us to say whether its good or bad la. Its their decision, their life. Guess I'll just be praying for them.

And its such a funny thing abt love. Lose it and you desperately wish to find it back. Get it back and you soon lose sight of it and wonder whatever made you bite in the first place.

And I guess this is one of those nights where I'm on the side who wishes I could find back a love of my own. (No no no, when I say 'find back', I dun mean 'get back with'... hehz...) Someone whom I could share my concerns, someone I could pour my feelings out to, someone whom I could turn to when feeling a little down.

Ah well. If only I had a dog...

The Things That Haunt

Someone just told me how she has a truly exceptional memory. And that's how her hurts run deeper and further than most. As for me, I have trouble remembering what I said or did last week... not to mention from five years back or more.

Strangely, the things that DO stay in my mind aren't happy thoughts or happy events. Sure, there are special occasions (passing my driving, first fist fight, first kiss...) that probably will stay with me for some time. But the things that usually stay with me really aren't extremely sad or happy occasions... they're more or less times or thoughts that haunt. Or songs too. And the thing about them is that precisely because they haunt, they keep coming back in a way that refuses to be forgotten. They permeate my everyday experiences of life. So that in a song I hear, a line I encounter in a book or a movie, something mentioned in a conversation, or simply even in my moments of lucidity while blogging (here's keeping my fingers crossed that this will be one such moment), these thoughts start to reverberate in my mind once again, resonating deeper with every encounter.

Just finished watching Closer, the movie that many people felt just fell short of being a truly great film, but which Paul couldn't stop raving about. Granted, Natalie Portman looks even more gorgeous than in Star Wars (while watching that, I never would have believed it possible), but I guess there were a lotta things that kept setting up echoes inside of me. Everything from the song (which I couldn't get out of my head for about three days now, if you trace back my blog to saturday), to the lives of the 4 people. I must say I actually loved it. And of course, I swear my little echoes keep bringing me back so that I saw a lotta things that no one else prob saw.

I saw how people can really settle for something other than a real love. How the doctor could take back a wife whom he might have once loved, but for whom he took back at least partly out of spite towards the man who once stole her from him. How a journalist of all people can be with a girl 4 years and not realise he didn't even know her real name, yet claim to love her. Hell, in fact everyone in the whole movie was throwing the word around more like an epithet than out of anything I would remotely call true love. And yes, I see strains of it in so many relationships around me, including the one recently ended. How one party hangs on ridiculously even after its so painfully obvious that there is nothing left worth holding on to. How by the time one party wakes up and realises what's going on, that there really IS a point which makes it too late to return. And even as she told me to stop her if she ever wanted to ask to get back with her bf, its the one thing I am unable to do. Because I know if my ex had really wanted me back, I would have relented. Unfortunately, before I could stay around long enough to discover if she ever really wanted me back or not, it was too late already.

In fact there was only one winner in the whole movie. The bloody doctor got to sleep with both women, and got his wife back as well as got back at the guy who stole her. Its a movie that would normally leave me highly dis-satisfied. Bad guy wins. But honestly, there wasn't a single person inside you'd call a good guy. Mebbe that's what makes it so real. I never had the guts to steal anyone girlfriend (No, Paul.. I REALLY am not interested in Joz...) and I lost. Pathetic journalist stole someone's wife only to lose even more spectacularly than me. Man. It doesn't get any more real than that.

And these thoughts haunt me. They really do. Its like what the doctor said in the movie - "Depressives don't (want to be happy). They want to be unhappy to confirm that they're depressed. If they're happy then they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live - which can be depressing." I want to be depressed. I really really do. Make me terribly happy for one day and I'd find myself utterly unbearable. I'd be sick of myself. And so I find myself haunted by these thoughts that I will always be on the losing side of the coin, and always on the losing side of life. Mine is the happiness that is lived through the lives of others. And mine is the role that fulfills the dreams of others at the expense of my own. And more than that, mine is the duty to compromise any happiness due me if it should in any way be at a cost a anyone else. Maybe that's truly the only way I can be happy - by making myself unhappy.

I really can't come up with another explanation for why I don't fight any harder, if at all, for what I want, and to make my life count. It seems that everytime I'm about to, I'm afraid that I would succeed, and the world would be the brighter for it. And I don't want it to be so bright. And so I run back into my little bunker hole and find myself haunted by the things that have gone wrong in my life, so that everything that I encounter becomes yet another resonance that echoes what I think to be true.

I keep telling myself its time to pick myself up off the floor and to stop nursing wounds from my past. Yet when I take a look at myself, I find that I don't have any wounds. Only scars.

But as long as they always remain, they'll always haunt me.

Forgiveness

Just finished watching an episode of C.S.I. where a boy killed his own brother over something incredibly trivial. The parents who loved both sons dearly now have to face the fact that one has killed the other, and now they have to face their son.

I dunno why, but the episode really struck a chord in me. Maybe its cos only today in church we kept talking about the forgiveness of God, and how our sins run so deep that it took the blood of God himself to redeem and purify us. It took the blood to perform the act, but it took the love of God to induce the act. If ever you asked me who or what God was, above anything else I'd say He was a God of such apparent contradictions. The same God who couldn't bear to see us die sent His own Son to do just that. The same God who was so gentle to the widows and children who had the harshest pronouncements on the leaders of the land. The God who taught that the first shall be the last and the last shall be the first. The God who taught me to seek him by hiding His face. The God who said that those who keep their lives will lose it but those who lose it will gain it back.

And with His greatest attribute of all - love, I guess its no wonder that it is steeped in contradictions. Its love that spurs us towards the greatest deeds we ever aspired to, but the same love that sometimes cause us to show our ugliest sides to the very ones whom we claim to love. Many times it is love that drives us to give of eerything we have to seek the happiness of the one we love, yet that same love when rejected can embitter us to be willing to hurt ourselves if only to hurt the other person.

I was left wondering after the show ended, when the kid was led away into custody, how the producers would have continued the show after that. What sort of reaction would the parents have. How do you love someone who has killed your own son? How do you love someone who could not have hurt you more? Someone will enevitably shout out the obvious answer that it is exactly the love of God which did that. But I am no God. And sometimes it seems so terribly unfair that God should demand of me what He Himself did.

But on the flipside it again inspires me to stand in awe of the love of a God, willing to watch us kill His very own Son, just so that we could come back into His presence to hear Him tell us that He loves us. If love truly inspires us to the noblest endeavours, why is it that the loftiest love seems to only drive us to the greatest mockery we are ever capable of? Why is it so easy for me to spurn His sacrifice in a moment of pique?

Easter Sunday is coming in a few week's time. And even as I need to help prepare a special program for the occasion, I find myself more and more unsettled. Its seems that with every year that passes, with each increasingly tragedy that I hear about, whether its on a macro scale (SARS, Tsumani, war...) or a micro scale (so and so' parents are getting a divorce, broke up, or relative passed away so young...), a little more of the lightness goes out of me, and along with that a little more light. Life only progressively becomes heavier and darker.

And its funny how I can lie in bed and suddenly just have a good cry like the wuss that I am, yet am unable to cry at a funeral or when it seems more appropriate. Crying always helps. A little lightness returns, which I swear is not from the loss of water from my system. But everytime I think back to Gethsemane and the Cross, I find that I no longer have that same tenderness of heart that I always swore I'd guard so jealously.

A love that should inspire, yet that has becomes a burden. Tenderness that seems to have irrevocably slipped away. Forgiveness that I seem to have forgotten and forgotten to cherish.

Love, tenderness, forgiveness.

These will be three things that I will be asking God to teach me about this season of Lent.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter the story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The Blower's Daughter
The pupil in denial

Did I say that I loathe you
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind... my mind... my mind...
'till I find somebody new

我的名字叫无奈

这几天不知道为什么，总是带着一个外表开朗心里沉重的心情。也不知为何这番话不能用英语来表达。日子过得好好的，却一直有一种非常无奈的感觉。就如李清照所写的，“物是人非事事休，欲语泪先流”。总是觉得人长得越大越生熟，越陌生。昨晚躺在床上，一整夜不能睡。欲语泪先流 - 但是我却哭不出来，只能愁莫愁过。

我想也许是寂寞吧。曾经有一首歌写到“世间太少有心人，却又太多有情人”。真有意思。见到自己想爱却又不能爱的人有时真的是太残忍了。自己想追求却心有余而力不足的一种生活有时也觉得实在太没意思。搞到像我这个地步，实在是连我自己都受不了，觉得自己太窝囊了。但友情与感情这种事常常都是要靠天时地历人合才能产生的。真的是太难了。当一个人特别注重友情与感情时，这就更难了。至今连我自己也搞不董什么才算得上是天时地历人合。只懂得过一天，算一天。

咳。

听很多人劝告，说不要刻意去追求它。要专心仰赖耶和华，让他居首位，而其他的欲望就会自然而然成为其次。一直觉得这句话只是半个真理。因为一个孤独的心才是一个渴望追求的心。既是一个想让耶和华在心中居首位的人也逃不过这个越想得到越觉得无奈的感觉。而我相信若一个人肯坦白地去思考一下，发掘一下，就会认定一个人在追求认识上帝时，就一定要认识人，与人建立感情。因为神的本性也是群体，三为一体的神带有一种交流的含意在其中。

咳。或许这都是一番废话。但说出来，跟自己把话说清楚，说出口，总算好受一点。

“闻说双溪春尚好，也拟泛轻舟。
只恐双溪舴艋舟，载不动许多愁。”

有时把话记录在这里，也就只能好比一艘蚱蜢舟，载不动许多愁。心中的沉重依然在，也不知应该怎么做。也许一个人知道自己想要什么却又得不到的时候，才真正懂得什么叫做无奈。而只有一个人到了这个地步时，才终于肯把自己放下，去慢慢地发掘上帝在他的生活中有什么其他的打算。

真希望我至少能够今晚好好地睡一觉，能有几个小时的平静与安宁。

注定

经过多少的路
你我之间变化无数
在情感的国度
我只为你赴
纵然你身边陌生的脸
扰乱我们的脚步
我不在乎追逐你的全部

走过多少迷雾
问我到底何时觉悟
在情感的世界我只为你哭
多少次你我面临未路
你说这是最初的错误
淌泪的心只愿为你付出

难道注定这是我们要走的路
所有的苦痛让我为你背负
我的心为你停驻、被你俘掳
只怪自己为你执迷不悟
难道注定这是我们要走的路
可不可以让你把我看清楚
别让我永远追逐，不再孤独
陪你渡过一生的路最真的幸福

悲莫悲过，人生短相思长。
哀莫哀过，相逢春已老。
挥长剑无奈，斩断情丝。
今生最恨怨有情人伤别离

愁莫愁过，秋雨落花飘零。
痛莫痛过，多情似无情。
肠寸断不知酒醒何处，今生无悔
叹我心悠悠，谁人来怜

来生再续缘，与你共缠绵。
生生世世相爱，岁岁年年共度。
来生再续缘，与你赴红尘。
繁华落尽，只愿比翼双飞。
我望不穿心事天涯，生死两茫茫。
怪苍天戏弄人间如梦如烟

愁

抽刀断水水更流
举杯消愁愁更愁

雨芹

风住尘香花已尽，日晚倦梳头。
物是人非事事休，欲语泪先流。
闻说双溪春尚好，也拟泛轻舟。
只恐双溪舴艋舟，载不动许多愁。

– 李清照

Sucky Wednesday

Woke up to the news that not only has Manchester United crashed out of the Champions League to Milan (expected), Chelsea thrashed Barcelona 4-2 to progress into the next round (totally unexpected). Man, talk about rubbing salt into the wound. And talk about a sucky way to wake up in the morning.

My sis returned yesterday from Greece, and so we spent the day more or less out having meals and just hearing what she had to say abt the place. Ended up talking abt what's gonna happen after she gets married. Sigh. I know I've said this a couple of million times, but every now and then I get the same epiphany-esque feeling of really having grown up now. The days when I was still 16 looking to life as a young man in my early twenties are over. Now what's left are the days approaching 30 where I start wondering where my life is going to lead to. With Xianghui getting married next Jan, Jing and Jo also looking for a flat, Desmond and Lindy engaged, Aaron getting married next year along with Huifen and Mervin... man.

And those are just the ones I can remember off-hand right now.

Yesterday my family went down to visit Serene's mom at Tan Tock Seng, after she fell and broke her wrist. Hehz... man, it was quite an eye-opener to hear her recount everything from how she fell until the time she ultimately ended up warded at TTSH. She actually drove from her school to the polyclinic to see the doc, before being tld she needs to be operated on. So she drove home first to park her car (broken write and hurt pelvic no less...) before (get this) taking a bus to TTSH from her home. Man, that lady is one tough cookie. And to think that when we went to see her, she was in really pretty good spirits. Lotsa people visiting her.

But I guess its pretty tough on the Lim family, with even more of the family responsibilities now falling on Serene, since she's now the one who will have to take up responsibilities as the "interim-dowager" of the home in the absence of her mom. Hehz... Syl doesn't sound like she's doing too well at the moment as well. Ah well. For that matter, NO ONE seems to be doing pretty well.

Paul's fren from QBC suddenly passed away leaving behind a pretty young family. Not to make light of the situation, but I can't help thinking what a mercy that would have been to me if I was the one who went. After all, my family and friends are the ones picking up the pieces when I'm gone, while I'd have DEFINITELY gotten the sweeter end of the lollipop. But still, times like this are like a certain brat who talked abt how fragile life can be on her blog, tag boxes and all. *grins*

In just this week alone, was talking to two friends about their parent's marriage breakdown, and how they're walking such a fine line between divorce and separation. And with people around me also theading such a fine line in their own relationship, I guess its been a week that ought to bring me much to reflect and ponder on. trouble is, I seem to be outta things to ponder on. With so many things going wrong in everyone's life right now, its starting to make me really jaded, so that I'm even losing my empathy for them. It used to be that I'd let my mood be affected by other people's bad news. Now, save for a few whom I'm particularly close to, everyone else's news just seem to be something else I chalk up in my archive, nothing more. Like reading it on the news, about the guy down in Bukit Timah, (where that certain brat stays, by the way) who did such and such and ended up in such and such a state.

Urgh.

Dammit. I think I'm just not getting enough attention lately.

No wait. That brat's been stalking me lately. So I've had plenty of attention.

Grins.

Dammit.

Now I really dunno what's wrong with me.

Grins.

I'd love to chalk it up to Man Utd losing, but I'm seriously afraid that's true. Cos to be affected by memories of my broken relationship is ok. To be affected by church is ok. To be affected by my dad's no-driving policy for me is totally in line. Hell, to even be affected by Paul's cat died could be counted as semi-valid. But I'll be damned if ever my mood really goes mad because of a stupid soccer match.

I start school on the 24th. Still no valid job, and still no sign of being paid by KC. I'm SO gonna wreck his wedding if he plays me out of my salary. Grins.

Sigh.

I need something to get angsty about. To get angry over. Or to obsess over.

Hmm... mebbe I'll meet someone in the LAN shop tmr...

Back To The State Of Perpetual Inconsequence

Well, so here I am once again. Been spending my past few weeks absolutely engrossed in Warcraft and DotA. Shit man. But its like how me and *ahem* have dscovered, its a great way to avoid falling into sin. Since we started playing warcraft, making out seems like something on par with say, eating ice-cream. Something else that keeps us obsessed, preoccupied, and keeps our adrenalin pumping. Grins.

Thus the new slogan: Warcraft - How To Keep Yourself From Falling Into Sin.

Man, they ought to hire us to run these ads in church.

Hehz...

Its been a really really slow start to the week. My sis comes back tomorrow, so I guess that's gonna be one more person nagging at me non-stop. Sigh. Really have been sending out some resumes. I wonder if the jobs I'm aspiring to are perhaps really just outta my reach. Why else is it so hard for me to even secure an interview? Mebbe I shd tag a pic of me in a bikini as well. I've heard that it helps some pple. Hmm... mebbe not the best idea.

Grins.

Well, playing on sunday went pretty alright. Henry had me scrambling for the right chords after he started the song in the wrong key, but it all turned out to be a rather cool time. and it rained. So the whole day wasn't as hot as I feared. Hehz...

Was wondering to myself what makes a sadder statement - "Nobody's Fool" or "Everybody's Fool". Its intereting how everyone has a very different reading of these two expressions.

I start school in 2 weeks' time. Shit man. Feeling super unprepared. Feel like I need to actually invest time reading books again, just to get back into the practice.

Had a good time just catching up with Serene last night as well, abt her decision to serve in the Levite Ministry, abt her on-going struggles with cell, and also a little abt her and her ex, Mingsen. I think they have a pretty interesting family, given how she, Syl and Simon are really all so uniquely different in their outlook and perspective on love and life. I suspect that on the outside while Serene seems the most pragmatic, she might be the romantic. Syl vice-versa. And Simon, of all people, is the idealist. Hehz...

And I dun mean in BGR only. I mean in their outlook of life generally. Grins.

Or mebbe I'm really just sprouting more nonsense.

Dunno.

was really glad to see Ham showing up yesterday in church yesterday, and sitting down at service with Weimin. But lo and behold, by the end of the day they were squabbling again.

Sigh.

Man utd's playing Milan in the second leg Champs League quater finals. In San Siro. Don't really fancy their chances, even though its pretty much a do-or-die mission, since its prob their most realistic chance of silverware.

Shit man.

Feeling iritable today all of a sudden.

Bloody PMS.

My Life Sucks

Was just talking to someone abouut her 'unrequited crush'. Hehz... Well, not exactly talk la. But yeah, we were touching on the topic. I'm supposing almost everyone has had their unrequited crushes, their little little pool of "could-have-been"s, of people whom they've desperately liked and harboured feelings for, which they at the same time knew could probably never ever be reciprocated.

Sucks.

Yeah. And I'm not talking abt those play-play ones, like Michelle Chia or even Jean. I'm talking abt those whom you've gotten to know very well, or at least reasonably well, but because you know things aren't possible between you two, you close up that part of yourself and inevitably end up closing off your whole self and let the friendship slide into something almost superficial.

I've just had a conversation of sorts with the cell via yahoogroups, where we were all talking abt opening up ourselves and risk getting hurt. And I was just telling them I feel like I'm the only Romantic left, who doesn't see any meaning in living a life so well protected that it almost seems unlived. And then the whole cell wrongly reads me to have claimed to be the only one who knows how to be romantic. Sigh.

But yeah, being a Romantic means that I'd much prefer the pain of suffering unrequited crushes, rather than a heart willing to feel anything only on the condition that it will be reciprocated. And so, to my friend whom I was talking to... yes, I know the pain of longing, that coupled with the sense and frustration of helplessness can really sometimes drive one to the brink of insanity... of living one day in that state of turmoil, then going through a week where the malady seems to have left, only to have it return when least expected - only stronger and more intense. Worst still, one has to act so sane on the outside, in front of everyone, especially when facing up to The One. But I guess that's what stops me from living a life that's devoid of any feelings or meaning.

And no, I'm not talking about Paul...

Hehz...

The week's been pretty busy even though I'm still jobless. Ironed out the rest of the Levite Ministry presentation only for the Core Group meeting agenda to be hijacked by Zhang Mu Shi who wanted to talk about another issue. Sigh. Ah well. At least we cleared that up. Next project to start on REAL soon will be the praise and worship for May.

Still feeling pissed at my dad for not letting me drive. Wondering how I can still drive despite what he said... like mebbe ways to drive him up the wall... hehz...

Man Utd just drew with 10 men Crystal Palace, to end off a really crappy week. Sigh. The Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde displays of them this season somehow seems doubly apt in light of my emotions in recent weeks. Sigh.

One minute high, one minute low.

One minute up, one minute down.

Ah well. On a side note, I keep reaching new lows in my life - I just signed up for membership with Lanlab Online. Yes, I'm now a bona-fide Lan gamer hardcore who for want of something else to do with his time, has chosen to deal with the pain with hours of mindless violence, trying desperately to eeke out a sense of achievement in another plane when the plane of reality seems to offer no hope of ever being able to offer redemption, or at least distract myself from that painful truth.

Playing for service tmr. And I dun even know the chords. Think I'm in deep trouble man.

Hehz...

Someone's blog title for the day was "A Beautiful Morning".

Read mine.

Part Of Your World

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs? I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
(Whad'ya call 'em?) Oh - feet

Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand

I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
(What's the word?) burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Kit Kat

What a day. Woke up early cos I was supposed to get a few things done. Ended up blowing the whole day away. Sigh. Dammit.

My sis left tonight for Greece. Since my mom is on a month long MC, I'll be facing BOTH my parents whenever I stay home. Talk about bummer. Just tonight I had another quarrel with my dad over the car. I told him if he can't trust me enough to lemme drive in peace, but either wanna give me instructions like "Ok, drive straight. Make sure you stay in your lane", then I'm SO done with driving his car. I'll take my chances with either my friends' cars, or else just not drive. After all, the whole joy of driving is replaced with the sense that I'm back to kindergarten again.

Sucks.

Just watch the latest episode of Scrubs. Sigh. What a way to end the night. It was an unhappy episode, doubly ironic cos it seldom ever ends that way. For once every relationship ends up in a mess with no resolution. I guess with the people around me all facing the same thing, the dramatic irony couldn't have been more painful. Seems that its even affecting me, with my blow-up with my dad. I dunno... there seems to be some emotional bug in the air. Everyone seems to suddenly be having less patience with those around them, and those whom they love.

Even in the cell group, where we keep emailing each other, the current discussion topic not started by me was on "Would you share your secrets with someone knowing that they could hurt you with it?" Sigh. Knowing the whole context behind that question, and knwoing what prompted it only made the whole discussion seem the sadder. Hehz... at least for the rest of the cell, its been a pretty meaningful and open discussion.

Well, I'm off to bed now. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day. Its gonna take something very very special to trump this one... Like mebbe news that Michelle Chia's getting married.

Or Andrew's marrying Grace.

Grins.

Oops.

My bad.

Muahahahahahaha...

Gimme a break man.

Mondays...

Its amazing how much I seem to be blogging lately. Its like a momentum. When I actually start on it, then as long as nothing crops up to keep me too occupied, its easier to sit down in front of my computer once again to put down my day.

O'levels were released today. Shawn did pretty badly, while Enqi scored pretty well (in my opinion... i.e, by my standards), although I honestly dunno their actual mood. I think sometime these crunchtimes can be such a moment of stress and duress. Sigh.

So... I heard that Ruth's aircon broke down. Hehz... Given the number of guys after her, at least now I know she's hot in one more way. Muahahahahahahaha...

Just had supper with Caleb, Edmund, Syl and Serene just now. I guess it was just a good time to chill out, esp since its been a while sine I last saw Caleb. I was actually just walking in the park, when I mentioned to Syl that tonight for a change, it was Singles' Night at the park since all I saw were single guys/girls, instead of the customary couples infesting the whole place. So she found out I was at the park and asked if I wanted to have a drink. Turned out that Edmund and Caleb were there, and Serene joined in as well, tho for some strange reason she seemed pretty quiet the whole night. I'm guessing she's still not doing too well. *shrug*

Everyone lately seems troubled.

I bet its the weather.

Nothing to do for tomorrow. Might go catch a movie. But nothing lately seems to really be worth watching also.

Sigh.

My school starts on 24th March. That's my D-Day. Hopefully I can secure another 2-week temp job and earn a little more dough before school starts. Also need to finally finish up the last bit of my resume and send out more of them.

So many things to do, yet also the sense that my life currently has nothing at all to offer.

I WANNA DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was at dinner with my dad and mom just now, and when I was driving off from the parallel parking spot, my dad got out of the car to gesticuate wildly where to turn and where to reverse.

BLOODY HELL.

With EVERY passer-by at least having the courtesy to contain their laughter until out of ear-shot, I swore never to patronize that place ever again. Sigh. I guess I can't really blame my dad. Its his car.

Sigh.

Ah well.

I guess sometimes these incidences are rites of passage I have to go through before I ever qualify as an independant driver.

Oh, and I bumped into Melissa at Thomson Plaza tonight. Her complexion's cleared up so much! She looks great now man. I guess that's something Serene can take hope in. Hehz... I guess its really a girl thing i just need to accept, tho I really dun get why there's such a fuss abt her face. I think she's fine the way she is. But ah well. Whatever. My point was that I actually didn't sleep well last night, so I was actually really retarded in answering Mel's questions, and it sorta got a little awkward. Hehz... Sigh.

I shd go sleep now. Melissa is one thing. What if I bumped into Michelle tomorrow and didn't appear my full suave and charming self???? *gasp*

Horror!!!!