Can't Figure

Juz played a round of DotA with Paul, where I so totally owned him. Grins. But after that, met up with Daoxing cos he called me out. And usually by the time he does, he's probably already in pretty bad shape.

Turns out he was.

No prizes too, for guessing that its gotta do with a girl, his studies and his family.

Pretty much sounds like the muck I'm stuck in too.

Worst part is how easily I was able to offer him words that made him feel better, yet made me feel worse inside. Just when I seem to be slowly letting go of my own struggles, talking to him only once more stirred them all out into the open again. And so after talking to him, when we ended the conversation at 2.30am, I told him I can grab my own cab home. I ended up walking from Thomson Plaza all the way till Casuarina Road, praying.

I started by praying that at least just for tonight, let me mean what I say when I asked God for no more no less than what is enouh to get me past each day, to teach me to continually go back to Him everyday, and to learn dependence on Him everyday. Then I told Him that I guess even as I prayed that, a part of me (a pretty big part, if I were to be honest with myself) would always wish that prayer weren't true, a part of me that doesn't want to mean what I say. Who am I kidding? I want more! A lot more! I want to achieve something significant in my life. I'm not content with mediocrity. I want success in my career and even in my church ministry. I want to be THE GUY, not merely the guy THE GUY counts on. I want money, financial stability, comfort, convenience - money enough to not have to make it an issue, money enough to always be the nice guy. I want a wife who loves me with an abandonment and trust like I've never known before, who understands me like no one else does, one who can inspire me to give back to her in kind what she gave me, and then some. I want... I want...

Its pretty amazing how much can come out in a 40 min walk, as I let my thoughts unravel freely. I guess if none of the things I want are bad, there will always be something in me that questions why some people can have it so easy, while I have to be the one who struggles to have even a little of that.

6 years on I'm still living with the scars of my wrecked degree and broken relationship. I'm still living in the shadows of my failure. Mebbe it was braver for Weimin and Enhan to have gotten back together, and to want to try harder. Mebbe I was the real coward who chose to break ranks and run, and am now paying the consequences of it.

Of course, any other given day I would know without any shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision, and am in absolutely no position to stand in judgment of anyone else's decision. But at least just for that 40 min duration, I entertained the thought of what the alternative would have been.

After all, its so hard to find someone whom you can really strike a chord of understanding with. To find a friend who understands you is already a one-in-a-million chance. To then be able to find a girl who is eligible for you to consider just stacks the odds against you. For so many reasons she could be right in front of you yet unavailable. God knows I've heard enough of such sob stories. And to really put the final nail in the coffin, the girl needs to feel the same way towards you, as you do towards her.

How The Hell Does ANYONE Ever End Up Together Happily Ever After Man????????

And if no one does, then I should just go ahead and kill myself already.

Of course, Daoxing and I talked about more than our impotence in romance, but also our impotence in finance. Already such late starters in the earning game, whether we'll ever be able to afford a wife and a family actually becomes an issue. With my current and projected future earning power of mine, there's a part of me that would HATE to put the girl I love through that, knowning that even if she were willing to go through it with me, it would cause me real pain to recognize the things I'm denying her. And of course, there's the little problem of the male ego that would inevitably knaw away at me, and my inability to lavish her with anything more tangible than my vows.

Strangely enough, I can't remember the end of my prayer. I just quietened down after a while, letting my frustration get the better of me. It soon became resignation, before slowly a sense of letting it go.

I guess I just needed to let it all out to God, and let it all out here.

Its 5.10am now. England just beat Azerbaijan by a ridiculously pathetic scoreline of 2-0.

And I'm kind of wondering right now who I find more pathetic. Me or them.

Hehz...

Ah well.

Thank God for DotA in times like this. Hehz...

Hope I can sleep now...