When You Say Nothing At All

A friend of mine messaged me not too long ago to tell me that she had decided to not pursue a friendship with a guy any further, and remain just friends. Tho she didn't sound terribly broken up about it, I have a sneaky suspicion it might be affecting her more than she cared to let on. And I have no doubt it probably left the guy pretty much hung up about it. But as for her, I think she's certainly come a long way in her approach towards relationships since her first boyfriend. And even as I was wondering what to say to her, I actually felt proud of her, that she was able to be strong enough to make the harder decision.

Relationships are such a funny thing. In some, what's important are the things that are said out loud. Encouragements, terms of endearments, confessions, personal revelations/disclosure... things that build up a relationship, and causes us to know each other. Some of us relate to each other this way. The direct approach, where we mean what we say, and say what we mean.

Then there's the other group of people who love to speak through the unspoken. The nuances, the body language, the subtle allusions they draw, or even just the expectation that the familiarity they share would get the message across. They relate through the very indirect ways of communication, yet sometimes are able to convey certain things across in much more powerful ways than anyone could ever have said it out loud. Somewhat like how pictures can paint a thousand words, so can a meaningful look to someone who understands you.

Its amazing how a look between two people who understand each other can convey so much more than half an hour in conversation can accomplish. In that one look, a hundred different images or incidences can flash through the brain, and draw the lines that connect these seemingly random thoughts, to construct the same idea in each other's minds, creating the understanding between them. And it goes beyond the thoughts and images in the brain, but also the emotions stirred up as well, be it joy or sadness.

I've known less than 5 people with whom I'm able to do that on a fairly regular level, where even certain things on the street can capture our attention at the same time. Thus a walk in Orchard Road would suddenly have us paying attention to a particular name of a shop, a poster, a person in the crowd, or just have the same thought suddenly spring up between us. And of each of the few with whom I have such an understanding, it is very different things that capture our attention, and which we use to create and renew that common understanding.

Relationships are amazing stuff. And so often its in the things unsaid that we are left amazed, for in any relationship, it is possible to understand each other if we verbalize out our thoughts. But only in the lives of those few whom we have bothered to nurture and cultivate a close understanding with, is it possible to communicate the 'silent way'.

And we see this in so many relationships. Sometimes we become so natural at this that we don't even realise how often we're talking to each other the unspoken way. Be it in our families, our close friends, or our romantic partner, we sometimes either deliberately or otherwise speak to each other the unspoken way. That's how we give ourselves away, or are unable to hide things from those whom we love. No matter what we claim, we both know otherwise.

I bring out this in a pretty random and abrupt manner cos I'm pretty excited by this new book I'm reading, from John Ortberg. Its called "God Is Closer Than You think", and so far from what I've read, its about seeking God in the subtle and unspoken ways of life. I guess it speaks to me in a time when I keep asking God for the tangibles. That He would speak to me in an obvious way, that He would show me what He foresees me doing in 5 years' time and where I'll be headed, that he would just tell me if He ever intends for me to have the soulmate I keep asking Him about. But God seems to value the unspoken words very much, for that's how He seems to expect us to know Him today. No 1-900 number to dial, no sane Pastor who would dare claim to speak with the voice of God to everyone in his church, no special dreams or visions... God seems to expect us to know Him in the subtleties of life, and in our walk with Him.

Incidentally, understanding is prob the only deal-breaker in my list of criterias for a soulmate. If we can't understand each other, and everything needs to be verbalized out and called as it is, then I don't consider the relationship to have matured at all.

But anyway, its really random thoughts tonight. But just something that really struck me. Cos things that are left unsaid can be such a beautiful thing, but as in the case of unrequited love, it can be a really painful thing. Cos even as my friend decided to not pursue her friendship any further, they had a good talk about it. I know of guys, myself included, who at one point in time or other, who had to leave the one thing they desperately wanted to say unspoken.

And sometimes when God doesn't speak to us plainly, the wait can turn out to be really painful. I spent 4 years in the spiritual wilderness, wondering where God is, and why everything around me seems to indicate that he has left me. And though I don't think I'm even close to being back on track spiritually, the sense that no longer am I in the wilderness, but am able to at times faintly but undoubtably sense God's presence in my life, and whispering to me. Whether or not I can make out what He's saying doesn't matter as much - as long as I know He's whispering to me!!!

I'm gonna go on reading that book. Pretty excited by it. I still hope God comes quickly, or else I go to Him quickly. But I guess in the face of the pretty small odds of that happening, I just have to continue to live each day as it comes, everyday trusting that again His grace would be sufficient to see me through, through my seasons of dryness or bountifulness.