Feverish Nonsense...

So here I have been, the past week almost, the sick invalid that I am, unable to do much, eat much, or even talk much. Yeah, heaven is suddenly awash with thanksgiving prayers from Singapore. Heaven's also been innundated with the persistent prayers of a guy with a racking cough and wheezing breath, just whining that God heal him from this terrible viral infection.

Hehz.

Anyway, have spent a little while now, every now and then thinking back to the chapter where Jacob wrestles with God. Was always very fascinated by the notion as a kid. How in the world do you fight with God? And pin Him down till He has to ask you to let go, no less... What's that about man? Aside from the metaphorical lesson in store, I was wondering about wrestling with God myself.

If I couldn't have the things that I want, and if I also can't stop wanting them, why can't I at least pray the prayer of Job, asking to meet with God, that I might speak with Him. To wrestle with Him, and to come to a very very tangible conclusion of my struggles. Enough of the never-ending sagas of conquering my desires, only to have them surface all over again two weeks later.

Yet is it really possible to really wrestle with the Almighty? What happens? I threaten to do something silly to myself until He grants me a wish, or a vision where He speaks clearly to me... then it becomes a tussle of the will, to see who caves in first? That's just silly. But I've tried. And failed. Sheer foolishness to think you can out-will God Himself.

So what's next? Keep praying? I've tried that too. Nag at Him till He relents. God's known to relent, you know? But guess what, that doesn't work too. Who is more patient than God? How do you out-wait the infinite?

So what comes after that? The silent treatment. Stop praying. Sulk at God. Harbour bitter thoughts against Him. Like a child throwing a tantrum at his parents, or a lover throwing a tantrum, hoping that the other party would relent and give in. After all, if they really love us, they ought to be unable to withstand the cold treatment, and give in, right? Of course then, failure to give in only indicates that He doesn't really love me. Hehz... guess what, I've tried that too, but it also doesn't work. All I do is end up again being just a backslidden Christian, who after a while realizes that if God ever turns around, that's when He's really facing His back to me, for I've been the one who turned away, and so it is I who needs to turn around.

Just how does a man wrestle with God? Fight Him?

Its not like I'm asking for a hundred million bucks (tho I have tried praying for that before), or the cutest girl in the class (again, something I also have tried asking for before...), but I'm asking for some really normal things, or at least... good things... sensible things... things that make for good biblical advice on what to ask God for... so why is it still so hard to see things God's way? Why still so hard to understand why God continues to withhold His hand?

I used to wonder... If reality itself were a construct of God, why not a construct where life is so much easier? Where we dun have to go through so much pain just to learn so little about life. Where we don't have to lose everything in order to gain Christ. Where prayer is something a lot more tangible... like an email where you could ask that a reply be sent back when read. Wouldn't that be cool? So why the mystery of the intangible faith? Why the neccessity for the cruelty of the cross in order to save us? Couldn't He have died without the forty lashes minus one?

Lots of things have been happening to frens around me lately. Breakups, crushes, getting back togethers, marriages... Just to name the more common stuff that happens. Some just aren't convenient to pen down. The Bible wasn't kidding. Life is hard, And complicated. And unfair. Some get the lucky breaks, others only have eternity to look forward to.

Darn. I need to get out more. I mean, I like Marvin... but I just dun wanna end up like him. Well, I know I'll never have a brain like his... just hope I dun end up with his bad stuff without the good...