If Only Life Were A Game...

So its monday again. How quickly time flies. Its been a pretty eventful weekend, one that nearly threatened to end my life through a lack of sleep. Had a really packed friday night, where after ARPC (when John Ting delivered not a sermon, but a lecture on "Parenting"), I went to grab a drink with Simon, Charlotte & Jingliang - driving Jingliang's car (at Jln Kayu), then to the airport to pick up my aunt. By the time I reached home, it was 1:30am. By the time I finished with worship prep and packing my stuff for a badminton game the next morning, it was 4. Got woken up at 7:30 the next morning by someone who asked if he could borrow an iron. Ugh!! Then was the game, then lunch, then worship prac, then DM bible study, then KTV with the cell. First time I managed to crash inside a KTV, with all the music that's blaring. I mean, go try falling asleep in a pub man.

Next day was worship, which went really well. I was really amazed that the songs I chose in my semi-conscious state ended up being so apt in light of the content of the message. I guess it IS true that God works best in my moments of weaknesses. After that, had lunch with the cell, and then off to Zhang Mu Shi's house for our month Bible Study. Had dinner then, and had a really really good time catching up with Yenn Chuen, who's back again. Met Paul after that for a short drink, and went home. Caleb called to talk to me abt some ministry stuff, and we ended up talking till abt 3.

Hehz.

Sometimes, I really wonder how I'm still alive.

Today met up with Simon to DotA for a while, then had a really good chat with him abt ministry. He shared with me a lotta stuff that's happening btw him and Char, and the struggles he's facing in the relationship. So it turned out to be a really good afternoon.

After that, had dinner with Paul and went to night classes with him. New term, new lecturer. My Sociology lecturer was the probverbial woman from hell, man. She was awesome. I was a little late, and by the time I came to class, she was introducing the 18th century. And she started to tell us how it was the age of the Enlightenment, that gave birth to great artists such as Leonardo... DiCaprio. She even paused, thought about it, then affirmed what she just said. It took her another 5 seconds to take stock again what she just did, before she corrected herself.

Sigh.

How sad is that man? And barely 5 mins later, she misrepresented Marx when she tried to introduce his name to the class. Man...

Anyway, the weater's been glorious the past few days. I love the temperature. I'm still having my mood swings, and its not helped by my chronic lack of sleep, self-induced as they may be. Have a few pple to meet this week, and a few things to get done. Spoke to Di just now, and was raising the possibility of just working for KC on a more permanent basis. Perks include the ability to tag a nice job title to my resume and more flexi working hours. So lets see how that works out. I dun mind, actually.

Someone recently said I'm very very hard to fathom. It got me thinking - am I really that hard to know? I mean, I hide things very well, but by and large I'm a pretty obvious person... I wear my emotions on my sleeve all the time. Can't help it. Anyone who's just a little sharper would be able to see my initial reaction to anything, and notice that at best I recover from my initial reaction pretty fast, and cover up what I really feel abt anything.

When I'm really upset abt something, you won't hear me complaining abt it, or sharing it as a prayer request. So most of the time when I list a lotta things to people, asking that they pray for me abt it, it prob is a legitimate request, but not what's really on my mind. I have this little habit of always trying to correct people's sentences before they finish them. I behave differently towards different people, based on how I perceive they would expect me to behave. I tend to be very negative in my thoughts, and always differential towards others at the expense of myself. Mebbe that's cos of my low self-confidence. And I'm usually very good at deflecting questions before they're even asked, thus not requiring me to avoid them. Humour's my fav tool to keep a certain mood around me, either to cover myself, or to turn a situation around.

And that's pretty much me in a nutshell. Ain't all that difficult to understand or complicated, am I? At least, I always thought I was really a very simple person. Not much in the way of ambition, aspirations, or drive. Pretty much a passive and boring person.

Sigh. Well, at least for tonight, I'm very honest in saying how troubled I am by so many questions. About ministry, and what I need to lay down for the next three years. About my own spiritual walk and how I lately seem to be hovering on the edge of the wilderness again. Of my own personal life and wondering if I'll ever dare again to tell a girl how I feel about her. Of my studies, and if I'll be able to do well. Of my family, and the fact that everydaqy I have more and more reason to be pissed at my dad. Of my overall disciplines and how I need to develop myself in different aspects.

Or even of how I can't seem to stop worrying, and seeing my whole life, or even life itself in such bleak terms. I'm actually pretty tired, and have been tired for some time now already. In a game, you just press the re-start button and things will be fine. I guess you can't do that with life.