There And Back Again

So I'm finally back after a pretty hectic... erm... retreat.

Hehz...

Tanjong Puteri is exactly the same as it was 3 or 4 yrs ago, when I last went. Food... decorations, the whole looks of the place. But extraordinarily, nothing else was the same. My state of life, the ministry partners I went with, the focus and intent of being there, even the mood I brought to the camp.

I went with a pretty heavy heart this time round, with a lot of things on my heart. Lot of questions I was asking myself, struggles with what I wanted and what I thought would be a wise decision. Meeting up with so many people from my past in the last 2 weeks also raised a lot of thoughts about the person I was then, and who I have become today. What had gone wrong, and what had turned out right. Wondering abt what I would be like another 5 years down the road.

With my present having been so drastically unforeseen and unexpected from just 5 years ago, it seems so arrogantly presumptious and sheer arrogance that I hope to be able to plan for the next 10 to 20 years down the road. Why not start living for the now, I ask myself. Why not act upon the present, and not be bound by any projections I have about the rest of my life?

Worries about ministry had also been on my mind. I don't see how I would be able to offer the present commitment when school and work swings into full force. And of course, singlehood for the next three years remains an unbearable prospect (Rather like how 2.5 yrs in NS seemed like I was cursed to live in the final stages of cancer, yet never die.), and I shudder everytime I think of the solitude that I seem doomed to endure... made the more unpalatable in light of how the next three years are gonna be so very tough.

Sadly, the retreat only raised more questions, increased the struggles, and left me with a heavier heart than when I went... didn't get to spend time alone with God, and it turned out to be just as hectic a camp... only for the fact that I didn't have too many things to be in charge of. That proved to be the greatest factor for me in labelling my time there as "relaxing". Hehz...

Still, it was an enjoyable time nonetheless. Caught up with people, had a good time bowling and all, and more or less managed to have fun. My villa turned out to be a really good grouping, and many were sharing very openly. The service today turned out pretty well all in all, and the worship went pretty smoothly despite how we hardly practiced at all. Its hard to not see that God has really been there for me, and helped me through these few days, as difficult as they might have been.

Growing up is always a scary prospect. As Bernice shared, going into the unknown is always a rather scary prospect. Last night we took a boat out along a river to see fireflies. The boat was almost travelling blind along the river, and it was very very dark. So naturally, there was a fear of whether or not we were gonna hit anything or anyone. And when I'm venturing further and further out into the unknown, and unable to see beyond even my next half a year, my tendency is always to run and hide. To avoid having to face the difficult questions that begs to be asked about myself.

On the bigger front, I think it was really really amazing seeing the congregation in the second service turn out like this for a retreat. I mean, it was like back to fellowship again. And I get the feeling even Grace's or Ruth's fellowship didn't enjoy the same kind of unity and spirit of acceptance that we've had at this retreat. By and large, I mean. Cos on the whole, I hardly saw any very noticeable cliques. Everyone participated in different activities and engaged with different sets of people. Obviously there were no deep sharings, save for mebbe a handful. I think the retreat achieved the aim of tearing down a lot of walls of unfamiliarity between many of us whom we only see on sunday, and hardly ever go anywhere beyond a "hi' and "bye". Zhang Mu Shi and Pastor Lijuan interracting with us at that level was unheard of during my days in fellowship, where they were always just so out of reach. And I think its great that we seem to be getting it right so far in our search for a formula that is distinctly suited for ministering to our community.

Did I enjoy myself and have a good time at the retreat? Yes and no, I guess. A lot of good things came out of it, even thought I didn't do what I had primarily set out to do.

Before I start school the following week, I probably should go do my retreat some time this week.

Also, a lot of movies I wanna catch. Batman Begins, A Lot Like Love, War Of The Worlds, Narnia... man...

Of course, it might be a little tricky to watch them all, since I need to pay my phone bills, which would leave me flat broke. Hehz... Hope I get a job really really soon...