Lord, Thy Will Is Hard

Henry remarked to me on saturday that I seem to be reading a lot of books on brokenness lately, and I guess he's right. Hadn't even really noticed. But when I tried to do a count, I dun really think its so much books ON brokenness, as its more how the brokenness that the author mentions seems to just leap out at me. Still, that being said, the fact of the matter is that the latest book I just finished readings titled "A Tale Of Three King", by Gene Edwards.

This book, at least, is indeed about brokenness... the subtitle reads "A study in brokenness"... Hehz...

And I thought it was a really really interesting read. It was a basically a tale based upon three kings in the Bible, namely Saul, David and Absalom. The dedication reads:

To the brokenhearted Christians coming out of authoritarian groups, seeking solace, healing and hope. May you somehow recover and go on with Him who is liberty.

And to all brokenhearted Christians:

May you be so utterly healed that you can still answer the call of Him who asks for all because He is all.

And on the first page of the intro, he says this: "I utterly underestimated the number of devastated Christians out there."

And I guess that really was exactly something I told Henry a couple of weeks ago over lunch, that it seems that so many more authors lately are coming out to write about brokenness and despair... as though we are finally acknowledging the fact that the church's attempts in the past decade to sound the false trumpet of the victorious life we are called to live has utterly failed, and that there needs to be a re-look into what exactly is the victory that the Bible tells us we already have in Christ.

A staff recently sent a newsletter, sharing with us her problems at home, and how she feels very defeated. Somehow I empathized with everything she said right up till she declared that she knew she already had victory in Christ, and that God will surely answer her prayers about her family. I wonder how she explains to the many out there who pray the same prayer of victory, only to watch their loved ones still succumb to SARS or cancer. Don't get me wrong - I have a lot of respect for her faith, and how she is determined to trust in God's faithfulness. But being more anal with words, I can't help but wonder if this has been one of the main sources of brokenness in brokenhearted Christians... those who actually see the hypocrisy of such sweeping statements that has such a hollow ring in view of reality... or else those who have been burnt by the expectations that are imposed on members of a church that makes such a claim.

The book basically calls attention to David's many mishaps in life - from the time when Saul was persecuting him, and he refused to raise a hand against Saul, till much later in life when Absalom raised a rebellion against him, and he again refused to put a stop of Absalom's plotting... Edwards wanted to raise the point that its often in the surrender and acknowledgement that the injustice we face in life is a deliberate act of God to break us, to humble us, that we might be better used by Him. That many times, those with the pseudo authority in church, that publicly wield authority, are often the very ones who God judges, much like the pharisees.

I quote a few paragraphs from his book. This was written from the perspective of an old soldier who was interviewed abt David's rule, who was around in the cave when David had the chance to kill Saul but chose to spare him.

I will tell you of my king and his greatness. My never threatened me as yours does. Your new king has begun his reign with laws, rules, regulations and fear. The clearest memory I have of my king, when we lived in the caves, is that his was a life of submission. Yes, David showed me submission, not authority. He taught me not the quick cures of rules and laws, but the art of patience. This is what changed my life. Legalism is nothing but a leader's way of avoiding suffering.

Rules were invented by elders so they could get to bed early! Men who speak endlessly on authority only prove they have none. And kings who make speeches about submission only betray twin fears in their hearts. They are not certain they are really true leaders, sent of God. And they live in mortal fear of a rebellion.
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He taught me that authority yields to rebellion, especially when that rebellion is nothing more dangerous than immaturity, or perhaps stupidity.

No... authority from God is not afraid of challengers, makes no defense, and cares not one whit if it must be dethroned.
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Men who don't have authority talk about it all the time. Submit! Submit! That's all you hear. David had authority, but I don't think that fact ever occured to him at all. We were six hundred no-goods with a leader who cried a lot. That's all we were!

I thought it was a very powerful picture that he painted... doubly poignant since I'm one who recovered from such authoritarian treatment... but more so because only on sunday, at Zhang Mu Shi's place, Henry raised the point about how important it is that as our ministry grows, we must not lose our greatest strength that started it all: our bottom-up mode of leadership, where everyone matters, and its never the leaders who decide everything. Only not too long ago I was thinking to myself how much easier it would be to be able to decide things without the concensus of the majority, and the need to educate them. "Just do it, and let them fall in line!!!" used to be my policy. And so reading this book, and the remarks made on sunday just seemed to be a stinging rebuke to me, that I'm in danger of doing unto others that which I wished had not been done unto me.

I once told myself that if I had caused one person to stumble in order to prosper a whole ministry, and benefit a lot more, it would still not be worth that one person falling away... and to think barely half a year into ministry, I already was so close to joining the dark side...

Hehz...

Anyway, I think I'm breaking out into a fever... been having pretty bad bodyaches, and a really bad headache... Sigh.

Today was a really really uneventful day, given just how hot it was, and I stayed at home nearly all day long. But ah well. Went out for supper with Daoxing.

Today's Jingliang's birthday, and he had a really hot dinner date!!! Whoo hoo!!! Grins. Good for him man...

Ah well. Need to go rest this tired old body of mine... Its been one of those imexplicable days where I just feel very very down, very very depressed. On days like these, I just entertain really irrational thoughts, being pissed at my family and thinking of suicide.

Sigh. Lord, Your will can be so hard some days... You know the things that I desire, the things that I have been asking for... even one of which would make this life a whole lot more bearable... yet You persist to withhold them all from me, asking that I continue to trust in Your faithfulness in spite of what I see right before me...