Warning - Long Entry

Mm, so much has happened in the week leading up till tonight, that I haven’t had time to chronicle any of it down. Until now. And of course, perfect sense of timing that some brats have, spoiling the fun of reading a book and all, decided to request that I post on the every night I meant to do so.

Ah well. Shall not disappoint my stalkers/fans, nevertheless.

Grins.

I just wrapped up a worship session for nearly 400 youths on sat, at True Way Presbyterian Church. It was a Presbyterian Community Service flag day event, and I was co-leading with a youth pastor from the ORPC English congregation, Pastor Amos. The full band was provided by True Way, and I guess for me it was a first working with a full band, a first time leading in front of so many people, and the first time I’ve worked with anyone else in the whole band. Tho ironically, after the who event was over, I realized that my lead musician, Vincent, was a batch mate of Paul in the Navy, as well as a friend of Serene’s in SMU. Small world indeed.

Well, the rehearsals were pretty tedious, and quite an experience for me, esp since it was my first time working with a full band, and I was totally unfamiliar with their working style. It was all pretty tiring too, since most of them were so young. Hard to catch up with their boundless energy la. Practiced on tue and thus night. Coupled with my lessons on mon and wed, it totally burnt my whole week nights.

But the event turned out pretty well in the end. I had lots of fun, and it was pretty cool seeing so many youths from the Presbyterian circle (both English and Chinese) showing up to do this thing together.

Attended a briefing also for the Eagles Communications Leadership Conference, which will take place next week. Really really looking forward to it. 2 years ago, the one I attended left impressions in me that still remain to this day. This time round, I’ll be accompanied by Xiying, Simon and Xianghui. So it must be fun. Grins.

On sat we had our DM graduation tea. We finally managed to somehow claw our way past the first season of DM, and I thought it all went very well. Lots of people have worked their socks off for this, and them some. So of course, with impeccable timing, now that its finally over and she can afford it, Weixiu fell sick. She’s really given it her all. But I think she did really well. Very proud of her. Its been a long time since we produced such a juicy sugar cane.

Muahahahahahahahaha…

After the grad tea, we adjourned to Bernice’s place for worship practice. SERENE leading worship for the FIRST TIME!!! Hehz… Ah well. I think its always so exciting to see someone else step up to the challenge to lead. The Levite Ministry is actually a very very difficult ministry in that not only are those who can stand up on stage to lead few and far between, there’s also the issue of whether or not those who can would be an appropriate choice or not. Or whether or not the person is available. So after having slogged out in the ministry with Bernice and Henry for so long now, with no reprieve anywhere in sight, I don’t think Serene has any idea just how much of an encouragement it is to me to see someone standing up to avail herself to serve. Considering that amongst this unholy trinity of the boy, the girl and the big lightbulb, I already have the least to do by far, I can only guess how much more exhausted Henry and Bernice must feel, and what a toll it is having on their work, family, and their relationship.

Anyway, Serene did really well today. And I’m not just saying it cos it’s the nice thing to say, or cos she reads this blog. I really think she did very well for her maiden attempt. Of course, all the stress that was on her face before the worship itself aside, I thought she really prepared very hard for this session. And it showed. Compared to how much I was babbling in my first YEAR on the stage cos of my nervousness, I was really impressed with her. Grins.

Another potential juicy sugar cane….

Muahahahahahaha…

This week I’ve also managed to squeeze in lunch with Weimin and Serene on 2 separate days. Was supposed to meet Henry too, but he fell sick as well. Sigh. A little worried for him now, cos he’s due on a mission trip with New Heart this tue, and he’s in pretty bad shape.

On fri night, I attended a Chinese Orchestra concert by RGS. My cousin’s swan performance. Next year she’ll be in RJC. Kids grow up so damn fast sometimes. I still remember her as a baby, when she was first born. Well, first of all my parents got the venue mixed up. We drove over to RJC, and my mom told me to hop out of the car to ask where the KS Chee theatre is. After asking abt 3 grps of students who all looked at me like I just landed from Mars, and said they had no idea where that place was, I smelt a rat. So I went back to get the tickets, and to my utter exasperation, it said “RGS KS Chee Theatre”. Wrong School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My champion mother strikes again.

So we somehow managed to rush over still. The concert was awful man. The standard of the RGS CO has dropped so much. But ironically, one of the few things that were better was the fact that in 3 years, this is the first time I’ve heard a percussionist who was better than Grace. This girl was absolutely phenomenal. But obviously, she wasn’t a local la. PRC.

I’ve discovered a new low in my life. DOTA with Artificial Intelligence. Gives a whole new dimension of fun to DOTA at home. Hehz… Help.

*takes a deep breath*

Mm, that’s a lot of things in one entry already. But one last thing.

I thought today’s sermon by Zhang Mu Shi’s was the best I’ve heard in a long long while. He spoke on an unhealthy low self-esteem, and he contrasted it humility. While I don’t deny that I have serious, serious issues with low self-esteem, I guess the most pertinent manifestation is always my chronic lack of confidence in myself. I dun really suffer from too much jealousy pangs, too much time wallowing in self-pity and self-abasement (at least not so much nowadays), but anytime it comes to asserting myself and wondering if I have what it takes, my first and almost overpowering instinct is to tell myself that I can’t do it, or that I’m not worthy.

So today’s message gave me a lot to think about.

Whether or not I’ll really be able to aim for a Master’s degree eventually, and actually feel that it’s a realistic target that I can therefore whole-heartedly work towards it. Whether or not I can shed my excess pounds and actually be fit again. Whether or not I’ll ever dare to believe that a girl whom I worship will actually be able to love me back. Or whether or not I’ll be able to do better than in my last relationship, or if I’ll just screw things up again. Whether or not I can stand up and fill the gap left by my sis once she’s married.

So many questions that need answering. And everytime I answer myself in the negative, it just becomes more and more overwhelming. I compare myself with people doing their Master’s degree, and I think I dun have half their brains. I look at people who are really fit, and I dun think I’ll ever get there. I look at the guys around me and I see so many whom I think I’d choose instead of myself if I were a girl. I look to my sis and I think she’s irreplaceable. And I guess most of the time when I sit down and brood, its always these same old questions that rises to the surface. I give these thoughts enough airtime and I find myself sinking into depression.

I guess I know what I need to be focusing on in my next personal retreat. Grins. Supposed to ask Henry during his one week leave if he’ll want to go East Coast with me to do my personal retreat.

Really looking forward to it, actually. Been a while since I last spent time with God alone.