Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I Feel Like Feeling Sad...

Another weekend passes by. It was a pretty interesting evening at Serene's place, for the customary joggers. Simon's first time jogging with us, I believe. Ruth's first also. And it almost became Yenn Chuen's first time as well. Too bad he couldn't make it in the end. Also, it was one of the very very rare times, if not the first, where we didn't go back to the house to watch TV after dinner, but instead chose to sit around the dinner table, and to just talk and share. I guess we all are feeling the strain of ministry. Not just ours, but everyone's. Those past, present, and those we see on the track to burnout and fallout. The time was pretty poignant, as we shared about our concerns. I guess under these periods of stress, a lot of emotions are evoked.

The anger and frustration at things we see that aren't going well, or that aren't right, which we normally would have been better able to curb. The past hurts that come to mind again, triggered by the sight of someone going down that well-worn path we've tread before. The grief as we see those who bear such heavy burdens for whom we can do nothing except pray.

Lots of things came out that night. And I'm glad. That some of us in the core team can meet up, and be sharing and praying not just about ministry, but specifically about the people in ministry. Too often we've heard the theory, acknowledged how wrong it is, but still persisted in it, that the church sacrifices its people for the sake of ministry. That so many christans who start out eager and willing end up burnt out and hurt by a system that relentlessly takes from them, when its supposed to be nurturing, loving and giving. Ravi Zacharias once said in a book that the church is the only army that shoots its wounded. And how sadly right he is. I think at one level, Henry and I managed to really draw close cos we dentified so well with each other during our time of pain. The hurt, the confusion and the overall agony of feeling abandoned and betrayed. Well, at least I speak for myself.

I thank God that we've managed to overcome it at a certain level, and have returned stronger, and better equipped to help someone else go through the path that we tread. Yet at some level, the pain never really goes away. The scars are still there. Therein lies the greatest tragedy. Just as there are some words that can never be taken back once they're said out loud, esp to those whom we love, it is precisely so that some hurts in our lives will always be there to stay. They may lessen, and we may be less overcome by it, yet it still lingers.

Haunts.

I guess I'm reminded that as our ministry grows, we should not end up falling into the same trap, and be the progenitors of that which we once abhored. Our love for each other must always be unconditional. The day we reserve our absolute support and love only for those who have chosen to walk the same path as us, and invest their lives in the exact same goals as ours, then we've lost the love we were called to have already. And that's so hard. When someone I care for chooses to involved their lives in something else apart from that which I've invested my time in, its so easy to subconciously take it personally, and feel rejected. And to therefore withdraw my love.

Hopefully some time later down the minstry, I'd return to this post, and remind myself again.


Learn to be careful in choosing whom you love, Peng. And once you've decided, make sure the love you give is always unconditional. For that is the kind of love that has been given you, and the only love that is deserving of the One who gave it to you.

Unconditional.

That's my watchword for the week.

Ah well. Its been a long day... and I'm kindda tired. Its one of those days where I'm actually alright. I just... feel like... being sad. I dunno. I have (quite a lotta) days when I actually dun wanna feel happy. I wanna tone down, and be a little more depressed. When I dun feel like being happy. So I indulge in sad songs. Depressing songs. Haunting songs. Songs of regret, loss, pain. Kindda like how I like rain cos its so depressing.

Hehz...

Therefore the song that now plays. I really loved the lyrics when I first heard this oldie. Somehow it captures so well the sheer helplessness to do anything about his emotions, his frustration and his impotence at trying to help himself.

An excellent song, in fact.


Grins.

Enjoy.

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