Everything In Its Time

Do I really sound very sad lately? So much has been made of my recent posts than usual, that I wonder if its just a wierd confluence of coincidence that everyone is at the same time reading my most recent posts and wondering if I'm teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown, or if I'm genuinely sadder lately, so much so that I don't even realise it.

Well first of all, I guess you'll never ever hear me blog when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying myself to care abt this ugly one-eyed monster on my table, to reproduce on it my ecstasy and exhilaration. (Of course, if Fiona shows up and kisses me, it'll definitely go into my blog, don't get me wrong. But even then it'll be only the following week, after I wake up from my semi-comatose euphoria.) So most of the time, my blog won't be made up of my happy thoughts.

Secondly, I share my happy thoughts with friends, since its more readily something they can identify with, and celebrate with me. Its harder to find a friend who will empathize and commiserate with your misery and insecurities. (Don't get me wrong, friends do try, they really do. But 9 out of 10 times, their attempts either fall flat, or else their patience very quickly gives way to their chicken-soup-for-the-soul advice which they expect you to act upon immediately.) Thus the modus operandi where depressing thoughts end up on my blog, where actually much closer friends still get a look into what goes on behind the facade of joy I show everyone else, while the rest gets to share in my joy, and be the recipients of my attempts to keep them from ever becoming what I really am inside.

Much has also been made about my seemingly endless drivel over relationships, and my seeming obsession with finding myself someone whom I can call my own. Well... I can't really change who I am, and the thoughts that involuntarily occupy my mind the minute I give it free play when I'm tired of purpose-driving/directing all my thoughts. So rather than having friends put up with my endless gushings abt the virtues of having a soulmate in my conversations with them, I leave thoughts as such on the web, where you can choose to read them, or pass them over when you are tired of hearing of it.

As for something else a few have been asking me lately, I guess all I can say is that I won't really ever give a straight answer when anyone ever asks me if I really do have someone on my mind, someone whom I'm currently privately pinning for. The reaons are manifold, but the more salient ones are firstly because I need time to think and consider if its just some silly thoughts I'm entertaining, or if its something worth pursuing further. Having the opinions and the potential encouragement/discouragement from well-meaning friends only serves to muddy up the waters more, leaving me with even less than the rat's ass of a chance I originally had of thinking through things clearly.

Secondly, I always felt that telling someone else who you are interested in, leaves a very binding obligation on you somehow, making it necessary to justify later on why you've moved on, something I'd rather not have to do. And once I've confided in that person of the second or third girl that comes into my considerations later on, the whole process makes me at once feel like I'm too easy with liking a girl (I'm not), then also like I'm too picky and fickle minded (I hope I'm not). The act of confiding in that person is also soon cheapened to talking abt the latest crush I have, an act that in the future might serve to undermine any genuine relationships that might have developed had I been less cavalier in my approach.

Thirdly, I think its unfair to the girl. I think I receive waaaaay too much of the spotlight (my fault, I'll readily admit) when it comes to speculation as to whom I'll end up dating next. If I ever make it known who I'm interested in, I think it puts a lot of undeserved pressure and attention on her, something I'd never ever dream of wanting to inflict on her, esp if I claimed to love her. To the one whom I've confided my secret affections in, that person will never be able to look at the girl in the same light again, and it might even in some way affect their own friendship.

So, forgive me if I never ever come right out to admit if I like someone, or who it is. Quite a number have read my past few posts, and speculated that my tone and voice would indicate that I currently carry a torch for someone. One has even speculated that my recent 'depression', which was presumably picked up from my blog's tone, was due to my unrequited affections, which I in turn blogged about.

Be that as it may. Naturally, I won't admit to anything, be it true or false. But I guess the facts remain the same - between work and ministry, not to mention school and family, its gotta be a girl who wants me really bad in return, to even consider starting a relationship, much less an affection that's just one-sided. So whether or not there's someone on my mind, I don't see myself getting attached for the next three yrs.

Hehz.. so there you go.

Maybe that explains my melancholia.

After all, after a hard day's work and study, you kindda all the more wish there was someone to go home to. To have a voice on the phone to look forward to, and a person behind that voice that provides me with a point of focus so I don't get lost in the flurry of my activities. To somehow stare in the face the fact that it will be denied me till I've passed through this valley on my own, can be a pretty daunting task. No one says I have to go through it with an affected smile and positivism.

Perhaps next month some things will improve, or even if it doesn't, maybe my mood will somehow perk up.

*shrug*

I shall bide my time.

And for all those who visit this site, thanks for your concern and questions. Do bide my time with me.