Taking Stock...

I guess life has really been speeding past me the past year or so, and I’ve not had much opportunity to sit and think for a while. My bus trips home used to afford me the luxury of time to myself, where I get to shut off everything else around me, and think abt what’s going on inside of me, hearing my inner consciousness speak to me.

My parents being away means I get to drive around everyday lately. And ironic as it may seem, therefore, that even though it should logically translate to more time for myself, it has instead left me with even less time than ever before. I find myself more confident in scheduling things into my time, thinking of how much easier it is to run places and get things done. The vicious cycle means I also no longer have so much time to visit the park as before, which again translates into an even greater neglect of myself.

Yes, I think I’ve been neglecting myself.

And so I find myself strangely awake at 2 in the morning, more than a little lost with myself. Writing down the things that are coming into my head, ready to be posted on my blog in the office tmr. (I have no internet connection, currently boarding with my sis at the condo.)

A lot of thoughts are running through my head. My encounters with a few pple, where there are things I said to them, and some stuff were said to me. A very much loved friend has been quick to point out to me that she feels very much alienated from me, and more and more so lately. My ex has suddenly decided to call, and we had a conversation that was strange in that it bore the same familiarity and comfortableness from when we were together, that I wasn’t expecting – given our two years of silence from each other. Even creepier, since I think we ought to maintain a certain distance in our conversations now… Another asked me if I was alright, in that I seemed to have pulled back from people… a marvelous remark coming from a totally unexpected source, since I never thought we knew each other very well – yet he hit the nail right in the head, where many closer friends in my life did not pick up on.

With some friends, it was the silence that they bore with them, that spoke louder than anything else, of the struggles that are going on inside of them. From the superficial – like the trials and tribulations of exams and deadlines, to the more subtle yet probably more painful ordeal of personal pain and loss, or of letting go… it has also been a time for me to once again re-learn the lesson of grieving with those who grief, and to carry the burdens of those whom I love.

I guess part of the reason why I have become a little bit of an uncle agony in church has to do with how I seem to be drawn to pain. I’ve come to appreciate what pain can do to a person, if we allow it to work to our good. And I want to see and help those whom I care for, to be able to learn the lessons I’ve learnt, without having to bear as many of the scars as I. And so it seems that irregardless of the maturity by which I have handled those who came my way, I had something to offer that they appreciated – empathy and a little bit of an instinctive understanding of how they would like to be treated.


There’ve been a lot of talk of weddings going on around me. And I guess as much as I love weddings, it always leaves me feeling slightly melancholic.

Weddings leave me once again very much wishing I had someone beside me, to share these moments with. Eventful times in my life – where memories are built, stored up, and cherished, always makes me wish there was someone with whom I could have shared the memories with. Like my sister’s wedding, where I would have liked my future wife to have been around to witness… to even have helped me out in the preparations.

Then there’s the retreat at Changi, with the core team. Again, my personality test came out INFP. My profile is supposed to be a healer. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was just how many pple were shocked at the news that I am an introvert. Maybe that’s why nobody believes me when I say I have a phobia of talking to new friends, that I have to really steel myself to go up to them and initiate conversations. And why I actually have a much smaller pool of friends than people think.

I have a small pool of pple in my life whom I spend a lot of time with… and then the rest of the time I get by being friendly when in a crowd, then beating a hasty retreat before I have to engage anyone I’m not familiar with on a personal basis. To those few in my life, I invest myself pretty heavily in them. Maybe that’s why I place such a high premium on loyalty, and place such a fierce demand on my friends to trust me. And that’s probably also why those who know me well will realize I have days when I will sudden withdraw and become very distant… Those times when I just need to fade away and re-charge myself. I will of course show up if there is a need… but otherwise I would just suddenly cut myself off from everyone around me. I guess that was one thing that absolutely drove Grace nuts when we were together – how I would just suddenly detach myself from her, she would be left feeling like she doesn’t know me at all.

Hehz…

Ah well. Note to self: Must find someone who knows that about me, and doesn’t go berserk everytime I lock her out. Was considering the other day if I shd close down this blog. I seem to have run out of things to say. I mean, I am repeating myself way too often. It started off as a place for my verbal diarrhea, where I could indulge in my thoughts, and pour it out in private. Angry thoughts, depressive thoughts, bitter thoughts, longing thoughts… where I can rant at someone, and also just indulge in my crushes on someone else…

Yet now that I’m increasingly becoming aware of the extent of my silent readership, I’m wondering if its wise that I continue to express my opinions so freely here. Just in case I affect some with my personal opinions… or worse, I bitch abt someone whom I dunno reads this. Hehz…

But ah well. I guess at the end of the day, given how I keep being scolded for being such a stonewall in front of others, this provides a pretty convenient proxy for me to tell of myself… to both the readers who let me know they read this, and those silent ones who are keeping mum abt the fact that they have my blog address. (Voyeurs, one and all!!!!!! Grins.)

So to all you lucky readers out there, you can spend this X’mas basking in the good news that you will be able to carry on reading this delicious piece of trash every now and then, whenever I up date it – just once in a blue moon, of course.

=)