Ever Wondered Why?

Why is it that when part of you wants something so badly, its so hard to actually hear and accept what everyone tells you, or to actually do what you know is right and expected of you?

Okie, so I'm actually talking about myself.

One of those nights when I ask myself why is it always my spirit that is willing, but my flesh that is weak? (Would converting my fats into muscles make my flesh any less weak???)

Grins.

Sorry.

Couldn't resist.

To Be Or Not To Be...

"问世间情为何物,直叫人生死相许？"

Watched finish Condor Heroes. Above is just abt the most famous line in practically the whole anthology of Jin Yong’s period novels. In light of what’s been going around the past couple of days, I guess it made what the show questioned doubly poignant.

Someone said to me last night that I’m the kind of guy who wants the girl to tell me that she likes me. And that’s true, I guess. I can see why she said that. But pardon me, that’s not wholly true.

Watching the show made me wonder… I was very struck by the kind of devotion shared by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu. Ignoring the opinions of everyone in the world is usually the easiest thing to overcome in a relationship. The courage to believe that the other person genuinely loves you is just abt the hardest thing to do. Anyone who has been hurt before will testify to the almost unbreakable instinct for self-preservation, where one no longer dares to love with the same degree of abandonment as before. The first cut is the deepest, they say. And once its been made and the walls have gone up, they usually stay up.

So it was with those before me, so it is with me, and so it will be with those who come after me.

I guess asking the girl to assure me of her affections is my selfish way to protect myself. I spent 4 years walking down the one-way street, and its not a path that’s easy to walk out of. I told myself I never want to go down there again, but given my amazing inclination to do what’s ridiculous and stupid, I guess this was one way of trying to preserve myself.

16 long years of separation…and they could tide over it. Today we talk abt how overseas studies can kill a relationship. I know its just a story, but as I sat watching the show and thinking to myself abt putting it in context of today’s relationships… what came to mind is the fact that one person’s commitment can sometimes be what surfaces the other person’s. Commitment to each other cannot be renewed by one party alone. I can only be as sure of her as she is sure of me. As your commitment to me wanes, so will mine to you eventually weaken.

Take heed, all you out there in a long-term relationship. Love is hard work. What you get from the relationship will only be as good as you give. Too easily the flutter of a heartbeat is all it takes for us to convince ourselves that we’ve thought things through properly already, and can work things out. Only upon the aftermath of our failures do we own up to our own short-sightedness. The ones who learn their lessons will admit to their fault. Those who never develop that maturity will continue to blame time and chance, and fault the circumstances that led up to the breakdown and inevitable breakup.

Hopefully by the time I find someone in my life, I’d have grown up enough to not only know this, but to actually practice what I preach.

Amazing

I had a pretty morose day, as one by one everyone around me was having a terrible day. Nobody seemed to be having it good... even the weather was terrible. I actually have to dig pretty far back for memories of a time when things seemed to be so bad.

I ended the day by waiting with my dad in this condo, for my mom to finish something, so that we can all go back.

It suddenly started pouring, and it was one of those open-air carparks with just a shelter overhead.

I decided to just get out and soak in the whole atmosphere of the rain. With the strong wind blowing, I pretty much got myself all wet even tho technically speaking there was a roof over my head, but things just suddenly changed.

I opened my mouth, and was about to start griping, when I began to instead notice just how beautiful everything in the rain looked. The trees swaying, the rain pouring down, even the sound of the rain... I started telling God how beautiful everything there looked... and suddenly I lost my urge to complain... so I started singing "How Great Thou Art" instead, and just soaked in the rain and the epiphany in equal proportions.

Gosh... I don't think that has ever happened to me before.

Mary Vs Martha

Was preparing to lead bible study on Saturday night, and one of the passages that I read was on Mary and Martha. I always had made the more direct equation between Mary and Martha as two polemic examples of Christians… one group who sought to please God by doing things… and the other who was able to recognize that the best thing to do is seek God, and not just seek to please Him.

But that night I suddenly realized what Jesus was actually talking abt was more than just the very actions we display, but our very hearts’ inclinations. For example, I realized that my prayer life was exactly like Martha. When I sit down and close my eyes, I can never focus and concentrate on what I am praying abt. My mind inevitably wanders off to something else – an appointment I nearly forgot abt will suddenly be remembered, a promise I made that I have yet to keep will surface, even something that someone said which bothered me more than I cared to admit will abruptly show up in my mind. I realize that I have great difficultly in doing what Mary did – sit at the feet of Jesus, and be still.

And so I like going to the park… somewhere with enough privacy, but not too isolated. I distract myself by walking, forcing myself to at least keep part of my mind on something, to prevent it from wandering in all directions. I realized that’s why I pray better in a group, where the one on my left and right helps me to keep my focus… everytime my thoughts wander and I pay attention to what the ones around me are praying for, I’m reminded of what I’m supposed to be doing straight away, and I can pull my attention back where it belongs.

Lots of things have happened this week, and for me its been a rather emotionally draining week. So much that by Saturday night I decided its time to force myself to take a break, or risk a breakdown. So I cancelled a much looked-forward-to trip to Villa Bali for drinks, two very very good matches taking place at night (Spurs Vs Arsenal, Liverpool Vs Chelsea), and I also gave the 125th Anniversary thing a miss. Turned out to be the best decision I made all week. I sometimes forget to control myself when I drown my pensiveness beneath a whole deluge of activities, and I end up heading for a burnout due to very different reasons. Somehow this time round I had the discipline and awareness to check myself.

I ended up having a really good time today both at the Levites Ministry meeting, and Zhang Mu Shi’s bible study.

I also finally found out who my friendly neighborhood blog-stalker, AnonX, really was. I shd have suspected it was him, given his anti-Microsoft stand which he put down when I talked abt MSN. Hehz… Ah well.

Second piece of good news in a week.

But I think that’s abt it with the good news.

I was praying to God last night that I need to wake up from the fantasy I cling to that a soulmate will cure a lot of my worries, and I will be able to stand a little straighter than I do right now. Because it won’t. My heart will feel lighter if Fiona today accepts my feelings and reciprocates. It’ll last all of 24 hours (36, if I’m lucky) before the burdens of a relationship has me bending over double of what I was doing before I was in one. I want to be able to trust that my shattered dreams are really the best things that could have happened to me, if I can but have the resilience and maturity to face up to it instead of running away.

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my
heart
And my portion forever.”
- Psalm 73:25-26

I remember being very deeply moved by this Psalm when I first read it… all too often it is my heart and flesh that fail. A heart that is prone to wander and give itself away to anything except God, and my flesh that never seems to be able to muster up the strength to do good… the Psalmist captures these two weaknesses and says that “God is the strength of my heart”, the One whom I can learn to daily surrender to, and not ever compromise because of my own weakness.

Of course, part of me knows I’m talking nonsense – I’ll continue to compromise and live for lesser dreams, allowing myself to give in to what I know is a temporal relief simply to numb the pain I feel right now. But as I heard say before, the journey of a hundred miles begins with a single step. Hopefully each time I sit down and reflect again on this, and remind myself yet again of this same lesson I first learnt so long ago, I’m taking one small step each time towards completing my journey.

Men Vs Women

I received this on my email, and I thought it was so hilarious I decided to put it up here.



Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over… and two claimed that he was still there.

Taking The Plunge

I kept hearing the song “You’re Beautiful” today. First was on the radio as I was driving my parents somewhere. Quickly switched it in a hurry. Then I was walking around the DIY shop at Thomson Plaza, where I heard it again. Next was at Raffles Hotel, in one of the shops we were walking into before my family had dinner there. Then right before I sat down at the PC now to type this out, its playing on the radio again.

*sigh*

I used to think that its pretty dumb to be looking out for signs in everyday life… But FOUR times in one lousy day… If nothing else it speaks of the irony in my life… what with the theme of wistful love that I brought up in my previous post… Hehz…

Don’t think I could have chosen a more apt song to express the sentiment. (Stop grinning, you-who-know-who-you-are…)

Things aren’t going too well for me right now. Man Utd more or less lost the plot over the weekend, and watched their own title chase evaporate. My exam saga doesn’t look too optimistic… and this week I haven’t been sleeping well because I’ve been camped out at Marbella. Not to mention the on-going drama in the lives of a few around me…

A recent article said something that I really liked. “The perils of the future are vivid in my imagination. But because they exist only in the realm of imagination, the only comfort available to me is just as imaginary.”

I think I belong to the category of people Jesus was staring meaningfully at when He taught the crowd “Do not worry, for tomorrow shall have its own worries.” I’m always one of the first to speak up against a new plan or new idea, always the first to shoot holes in every proposal. And sometimes, I think I really can’t help it. I mean, I’m not deliberately out to be a nay-sayer… I honestly see the plans as being unworkable. I’m always amazed at people who have boundless optimism that things will work out, and on more than a few occasions the expression “Just try… you never know, it might work after all…” has left me exasperated. I wonder at how little these people are aware that actions have consequences, and that everytime you try something, there’s a cost to be paid for its failure. Do it too many times and you bankrupt yourself in some way.

No doubt on their part, I’m one of those guys that the optimists hate to the bone. The ones they can’t stand, frustrated at my apparent lack of interest or motivation. Angry at my passive mentality, and my disruptive attitude towards the momentum for change that they are trying to initiate. Someone whom they really can’t understand… “How can he ever be so negative about everything? Why can’t he ever see the good in anything???”

I think I have much to learn from the optimists. Too many years of branding myself a “realist” instead of the grouch that I am, has led me to live a life that tries too hard to be safe. I’ve always delighted in what’s “safe” and “familiar”, and didn’t dare to venture into what is yet unknown or untested. Somehow that has been something that colored my entire perspective of life. I’m reminded of the song “The Rose”, and what it said…

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
That never learns to live.

Taking risks. Daring to let go and take a plunge. Boldly moving on from where I am right now. Courage to make some extravagant and audacious decisions in life, and throw caution to the wind.

The alternative is to choose my current state of inertia, and embrace the logic that “it could be worse out there if I move on. Safer to stay where I am and lick my wounds.”

My mom again asked me today if I’d consider going overseas to do my degree. I’ve let the chance slip past me once already. I‘m wondering if I’ll be really stupid to give it up again for a dream everyone’s telling me to put down.

Cell group’s thinking of making a few drastic decisions, including a proposed splitting. My instinct was to resist that idea, given our track record for making hasty and irreversible decisions that do permanent damage. Yet a part of me is agreeing that perhaps that really is the way forward.

I’ve been challenged to explore my own calling in ministry. I’ve said it so many times, that I don’t think worship is my primary calling, because it doesn’t seem to be my primary gift. I seem to be better relationally rather than musically. Yet to explore how the relational aspect of my gift might be used in ministry, I need to equip myself more firmly in the Word, and get down to the hard work that I’ve been running away from.

And of course personally, I need to stop running away from the obvious problem in front of me, and dare to take a giant step forward in moving on, and letting go. It seems that the struggle is a daily one, because the decision to do so can be made one night, only to find that the struggle returns the next morning. Daily surrender requires a lot of discipline and courage.

By next week I should know how my exam situation has worked out. I’ll have to explore a few of my options then, and make a few decisions. I don’t want to take the riskier option just for the sake of it, but I need to move on from my state of wary hibernation, to finally moving on with my life.

God give me strength…

Sigh. I Shd Get A Tagboard.

'Nuff said.

11 Words

I always meant this PostSecret postcard to be abt my unrequited affections. Yet all of a sudden its been lent a voice by a few in my life, and their own struggles with relationships. How poignant it must be, therefore, to know that such a struggle is a universal one. While in no way helping to make things better, one can hope that at least it makes one feel better, in the knowledge that it is a feeling that is shared by many out there.

"You will never love me the way that I love you".

11 words, that betray a personal hurt so deep, that, when it finally comes out of one's lips, has the power to injure the person that it was directed at.

I asked myself - would I prefer to be in the shoes of the one who loves more, or in the shoes of the one who is loved more - and I guess there was no doubt abt it... I'd choose to be the one who loves more everytime.

Maybe its cos I'm weak... It can be so much easier to give than to receive... giving puts me in the better light, in the better position... opening up about my struggles and admitting I shd do better would leave me in the more vulnerable position, and put pressure on me to do something about it.

Or maybe it really is the right thing to do... if love is abt putting the other above self, shouldn't both our mindsets be abt trying to out-do each other, to love each other more? Love, in a sense, shd be a competition!! Both parties always on the look-out for a way to go one-up over the other, in expressing their affections, and their self-sacrifice. Naturally, it should arise out of an instinctive desire to benefit the other person, and not out of a competitive streak or the desire to "perform" for the other to see.

But here is where I can understand the struggles of those who are going through the pain that the 11 words express... For all I talk abt wanting to be the one who gives and loves more... I can't do it. Haunted by the scars of a broken relationship that failed because I uttered those 11 words... I find myself paralysed by fear when told to fight for someone whom I love. I hide behind the rationale that love is a two-way thing, and if I need to fight and compete - it shows that it was one-sided to begin with... and I'm too scared to ever go down that path again.

I guess for some of us, relationships will be the cross we bear everyday... everyday a reminder that just as we utter these 11 words while thinking abt the one we love... so God gave His life for us in full knowledge of the same... that we will never love Him the way that He loves us. And it will be His example that compels us, and strengthens us, to love - the way that love is meant to be.

Easter Finally Dawns...

So just what have I learnt this season of lent?

Lots of little lessons here and there, peppered across the different days and different meditation materials that I was using. 2 books that I inadvertently eventually picked up to re-read over the 40 days was “A Tale Of Three Kings” and “Shattered Dreams”. Very apt books to be reading, during a season where we meditate on the brokenness of God, leading up to the very breaking of His body on the cross.

I re-learnt the lesson that God is never where you expect Him to be, but He always shows up at the most unexpected of places. Over these 40 days I’ve had my fair share of struggles, of things I’ve had to deal with and things I’ve been asked to let go of. Naturally, I expected God to be near, and help me through it. Naturally, He seemed nowhere to be found. Don’t get me wrong, I still encountered Him lots during this season. But on the things that mattered the most, He inexplicably remained silent.

Re-reading Shattered Dreams again reminded me that the one who wishes to mature in the Christian walk must go through the darkest of valleys. I used to ask myself whether or not its possible for someone to have gone through the very normal pain and struggles everyone goes through – the loss of loved ones, breakups, disease… (all served in manageable doses, of course. For God never lets us suffer beyond what we can endure…) and yet be able to have an extraordinary walk with God. And no, I don’t think that’s possible. David’s trials and tribulations under Saul is legendary. The weight on Moses’ shoulders as he led his people into 40 years of wandering must have been hard. Say nothing of Jesus’ work on the cross, or Apostle Paul’s persecutions… and I‘m convinced that it really isn’t easy to earn Jesus’ accolade “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

I remember one day talking to Henry abt the faith some of the Christians in China has, and the scars they bear on their body as testimony to the depth of their belief in God… from people who lost their fingers to those who have been bodily mangled… all for the sake of clinging on to the faith they cherish and treasure above their own lives… and I find myself deeply humbled. Who am I to stand here and even think I am assured of my salvation, when I don’t even have a tenth of the faith they have? How would I stand up under such persecution, I asked myself. Chances are, ten out of ten times I would have been a Peter, and denied Christ.

So I guess that’s one lesson I will be forced to re-learn over and over, again and again, until I finally see why God puts me through the trials in my life. The sooner I let go of my own dreams, and learn to trust and desire God, and His dreams for me, the sooner I will be able to move on, and grow in my walk. Till then, as long as I continue to behave like a child who only wants the good I know about, I will always be a child, and be denied the better that God has in store for me.

And each time I deny His plans for my life, I wonder… if He feels the nails all over again...

Watch The Lamb

Walking on the road to Jerusalem,
The time had come to sacrifice again.
My two small sons,
They walked beside me down the road,
The reason that they came,
Was to watch the lamb.

And they said "Daddy daddy,
What will we see there?
There's so much that we don't understand,"
So I told them of Moses, and Father Abraham,
And I said dear children,
"Watch the lamb.
There will be so many in Jerusalem today,
We must be sure this little lamb doesn't run away,"

And I told them of Moses, and Father Abraham,
And I said "Dear children,
Watch the lamb."

When we reached the city,
I knew something must be wrong,
There were no joyful worshippers there,
No joyful worship songs,
As I stood there with my children,
In the midst of angry men,
Then I heard a crowd cry out,
"Let's Crucify Him!"
We tried to leave the city,
But we could not get away,
Forced to play in this drama,
A part I did not want to play,
Why upon this day were men condemned to die,
Why were we standing right here,
Where soon they would pass by?

I looked and I said,
"Even now they come,"
The first one cried for mercy,
The people gave him none,
The second one was violent,
He was arrogant and loud,
I can still hear his angry voice,
Screaming at the crowd.

Then someone said,
"There's Jesus,"
I scarce believed my eyes,
A man so badly beaten,
He barely looked alive,
Blood poured from His body,
From the thorns on His brow,
Running down the cross,
And falling to the ground.

I watched him as He struggled,
And I watched Him as He fell,
The cross came down upon His back,
The crowd began to yell,
In that moment I felt such agony,
In that moment I felt such loss,
Till the roman soldier grabbed my arm and screamed,
"You! Carry his cross!"

At first I tried to resist him,
But his hand reached for his sword,
So I knelt and I took
The cross from the Lord
I placed it on my shoulders
We started down the street
The blood that He'd been shedding,
Was running down my cheek.

They led us to Golgatha
They drove nails deep in His feet and hands,
Yet upon the cross I heard him pray,
"Father, forgive them..."
Never have I seen such love
In any other eyes
"Into thy hands I commit my spirit,"
He prayed and then He died.

I stood for what seemed like years,
I lost all sense of time,
Then I felt two tiny hands holding tight to mine
My children stood there weeping,
And I heard the oldest say
"Father please forgive us,
The lamb ran away.

Daddy daddy,
What've we seen here,
There's so much that we don't understand,"
So I took them in my arms,
We turned and faced the cross
And I said"Dear children, watch – the Lamb."

- Ray Boltz

Losing And Winning

Watched 2 episodes of The West Wing tonight, and I thought that to a certain extent they balanced things out very well. I don’t think I’ve ever been more emotionally touched in all 7 seasons, as the last 2 which featured Leo McGarry dying on election day. What made it twice as poignant was the knowledge that the death was for real, given that John Spencer died last december. (Again, the theme of loss seems to be springing up at every corner.)

They pretty much balanced things out with the Democratic Party winning the elections, and more or less capturing very well the mixed emotions at having pulled off one of the greatest campaigns ever against the tragedy of losing one of their very dearest and best.

I’ve started reading Shattered Dreams again, and there’s been a paragraph that caught my attention. I don’t know if its because I forgot it already, or I never noticed it. But this time round, this passage really stayed with me.

My real problem with God becomes apparent when long-held and deeply cherished
dreams are shattered and He does nothing. And these are good dreams, not dreams
of riches and fame, but dreams of decent health for those I love and for good relationships among family and friends.

Many of your dreams are good dreams too. You want to enjoy family life. You long for a job you really like, one that gives you opportunity to do what is important to you and to be appreciated for it. You aren’t asking for great health or lots of money. But an accident the day after your car insurance lapsed, then your wife coming down with chronic fatigue syndrome – its just too much. You want to serve God as a missionary, but you can’t raise the support you need to get to the field. Your dreams are good. And you’re trusting God as best you know how. But nothing is happening.

Depending on an unresponsive God in the middle of crumbling dreams can be tough on faith. Relating personally with a God who is less responsive than friends with far fewer resources is difficult.

Exactly what is God doing with all His power? At some point in your Christian life you’ll be forced to admit that Jesus didn’t make it on your list of responsive, valued friends. Live long enough, and dreams important to you will shatter. Some will remain shattered. God will not glue together the pieces of every Humpty Dumpty who takes a great fall in your life.

The divorce will go through, the cancer will claim a loved one’s life, the Alzheimer’s will not be arrested (let alone reversed) by the latest drug. The broken friendship will not be restored despite your best efforts to reconcile. Your marriage will not be satisfying no matter how many counselors you consult or seminars you attend. Your singleness will be an intolerable burden. The budding ministry will never materialize. The lost income will not be replaced by money pouring out of heaven’s window.

You’ll feel low for a long time; the dark tunnel will lengthen with no light visible at its end. Your sense of adventure will yield to dutiful drudgery. You will be miserable. Your dream of feeling alive, captivated by beauty and passionately free, will die.

And God won’t do a thing. For a long time. Maybe till heaven.

That’s my problem with Him. Yet He tells us He is our most responsive friend. He insists that, after giving us His Son, He would never withhold anything good.

Then why doesn’t He cure my mother’s Alzheimer’s? Why didn’t He relieve my wife’s back
pain? Why doesn’t He straighten out your shiftless kid and give him back some direction Wouldn’t those be good things for us? Why didn’t He arrange for you to get the education you wanted or steer you in a direction you’d really enjoy?

When we see things rightly, we’ll write His name in capital letters at the top of our list of friends and, with the angels, bow low before Him in adoration and awe. And hope. I believe that.

- Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

Larry Crabb based his book on three principles – Firstly, that God really wants to bless us. Secondly, the deepest pleasure we’re capable of experiencing is a direct encounter with God – but we’re not in touch with that appetite and so don’t crave it as we do the lesser appetites. Thirdly, God therefore uses shattered dreams to awaken us to the real appetite that we have inside us for him.

I think… re-reading such a book some time after the first read gave me a whole different perspective, and I’ve come to appreciate it very differently than from my first read. And maybe when I first read it I did so to get some sort of affirmation, that my struggles and questions abt God in the midst of my broken dreams was a legitimate phase of struggle and doubt, that I was supposed to feel that way, and question God the way I did. Maybe I was looking out for that, found what I was looking for and was satisfied. Yet re-reading it again, I am able to now focus and finally see that it doesn’t end there. It ends with a promise that a day will come when I shall dare hope again.

Just like how Christ’s work didn’t end on Good Friday with Him dying there, I find that I am able to face my valleys with the knowledge that there is an Easter Sunday to look forward to, where in Larry Crabb’s words “Pain will have no purpose then, so it will not be allowed”.

I said last year I couldn’t wait for X’mas to come… now I find myself eagerly anticipating Easter Sunday.

Happy Birthday Mini!!!

Well, one of the dearest people in my life grows up today.

Would that she start acting that way as well.

Grins.

Passion Week

So we enter into Passion Week. Starting with Palm Sunday, and a message on discipline.

3 out of the 4 people who know what’s going on tell me its time I learnt to let go. And today’s message seems to be God’s way of telling me the same. Funny how things work out sometimes. I remember one article I posted a long time ago in this blog, and the one line that always stayed in my mind said “The hardest part of love is letting go”.

How apt therefore, that Passion Week for me shd entail such an act of disciplining myself. As the dowager so succinctly put it, if He is willing, He will one day resurrect for me the dreams He wants me to now offer up.

That aside, its been more than a week since I lost my internet connection. Life finally returns to some semblance of norm now that my parents are finally home and I can stop straddling two houses. I crashed the car on wed night, but manfully faced up to the music with my dad. He had his two words to say to me, naturally… but to his credit he soon shut up abt it.

I went for the blood donation today, and gave 500ml!!! My first donation!!!! Hehz… it turned out to be really good fun, getting everyone to sit down together in the room and give blood, cheering each other on. Poking fun at each other also helped loosen the tension of the room as we stared the giant needle down and allowed it to go through us.

I remember thinking to myself the verse that said “He was pierced for our transgressions…”, then I think of how small that needle looked in comparison to what Jesus must have been looking at that night in Gethsemane when He told God “Not My will but Yours be done.” And I thought of my own apprehension at such a small needle… then was struck yet again by just how different and small my capacity to love is, compared to God’s.

How dare I, therefore, claim to love someone… when again and again I expose my own selfishness and self-concern. How can I ever promise to place someone else above myself, and promise to take care of her forever?

Ahem… again I digress…

Hehz…

Weimin’s 21st birthday party on Saturday. It was fun, and I think she enjoyed herself. I know I did. Grins. Man, she’s really grown up now, that girl. Sniff sniff. Hehz…. It was held at Venezia opp our church, inside the Singapore Arts Museum. Was a really nice and quaint little café to hold the event, and the crew were very helpful indeed. Kudos to the dowager for finding such a good spot.

Grins.

Man Utd thoroughly thrashed this pathetic little red club on sunday, winning comfortably by 2 goals to nothing. Tee hee. One of the most enjoyable nights I’ve ever had in Wineflair. Their latest innovation is employ the use of the karaoke instead of having a singer at the stage. Though I really think it is a better decision to make, we now have to endure the occasional enthusiast whose friends just don’t have the heart to tell them they shd surrender the mic instead.

After that my dear Simon sent me back in his BMW, that is due to be scrapped tmr… after this he will be without a car for a month until his new Nissan Sunny arrives in May.

I guess even after the melancholia sets in at night when I’m again back in my room, with the prospect of a futile struggle ahead of me, at least for now I can see plenty to give thanks for, plenty that I am truly thankful for.

I remember hearing this song at Liquid Kitchen on wed night… one of my all-time favorites… thinking to myself yet again just how cruel and ironic life is sometimes. I always saw it as a very sad break-up song. That night I suddenly saw it as a song abt shattered dreams. (Another theme recently that has surfaced very often in conversations with a few friends, all volunteered by them. Yet another of those not-so-subtle signs that God is now flinging into any path I take…)

I guess its clear enough from today’s sermon that the key word this week for me, is the word “discipline”.

Would that I am able to do it.

My Blues #9877685776785745

Sitting in the SMU library right now, feeling kindda sucky.

Just received an email that my exam regustration ran into some problems, because of some administrative problems. Turns out that I might not be in time to register for my exams after all, because they said they haven't received my application to accept their offer of the Bsc Management course.

I think there's probably some negligence on my part as well, but having to deal with Stansfield, RELC and then UOL all separately is really a little stupid. And when I ask anyone what's happening, they keep pushing me to the other side, saying thyey can't help me from their own side. Am now waiting for UOL's reply on the subject, see what they say.

Slightly tempted to feel relieved if I can't take the exams, given how inadequate I feel. The only problem being time. Not that young anymore, I can't afford to waste another year.

Of course, if I am really able to finally pick myself up and move on from Fiona, then I guess there's no hurry for me anymore, since I'll be more or less settling into a resigned state of bachelorhood.

Hehz...

Last night's Champ's League match was good... but feeling pretty tired out now. Tmr prob meeting Henry for lunch and gym. Have quite a few things to discuss with him abt minstry also. And of course, my dear Eric flies off tmr. Next thing I know, my parents will be back already, and the whole week's over.

Of course, there's Weimin's 21st birthday party to plan also. Sheesh. That brat's suddenly 21 already. Amazing how time flies.

Its not been a good week for a lotta pple, apparently. The few I talk to are all pretty troubled by things around them... work, family, BGR, spiritual struggles... its just one of those weeks, I guess, where everyone's world seems to be crashing down around them. My week is bad enough, I guess. But coupled with how I tend to be affected by those around me, its really taken some effort on my part to not allow myself to again sink into melancholia.

I mean, lots of pple will tell me that things aren't really all that bad. And they're right too... Its just that from where I stand, things look a little more grey right now.

And yes, my dear dear other annonymous, there's really nothing to say. Just one of those things that happen, which you can only react to, and deal with it as it happens. Grins. I thank God for all 4 of you who knows what's going on, actually... for your concern and encouragement as I bitch and moan for all its worth. Grins.

Ah well.

As I'm always so fonf of saying... C'est la vie.

What can't kill you usually makes you stronger.

I'm just looking forward to Easter Sunday now.

Life's Cruel Ironies #1762654237298230

Ironic that today's meditations says "Think of occasions when you have felt as though you could not carry on, and ask God to touch and heal the memories."

Peace Amidst the Storm

I once heard someone in a show say to herself “随口说出来的话，往往都是真心的”, and that’s always been something that stayed with me.

They say that the best way to judge a person’s true state of mind is to gauge it by their reaction to what happens. A man who is by nature violent can’t keep up the pretence of gentility when surprised by an incident that usually provokes his outburst.

And perhaps there’s a lot of truth in that saying.

I found that I was very surprised by myself because of my reaction to something that happened recently. I was surprised by the severity of it, and just how much it affected me in haunting my thoughts for the next few days that came. It’s a worrying sign, actually…

First of all it showed me that I actually didn’t know myself that well, and what I thought was under control was actually a lot more than that. Then the realization and paranoia set in, of perhaps how easy it really has been for some around me to figure out what’s happening… then of course is the worry that I’m actually so much more transparent than I thought I was, that the wall I always assumed was around me has actually long since been demolished. As though I had become the emperor wearing his new clothes.

Saturday was a really busy day for me. After barely sleeping three hours, I had to wake up at 7 to go down to the cell grp chalet at Aloha Changi. It was a slow start to the day, but was followed first by our meeting which was a little tiring, then having to drive down to church to attend the core group meeting. That took another 3 hrs plus, and by the time I drove back to the chalet, it was night-time already. I started barbequing at the pit, and finished cooking all the food that remained. Then I sat down and had a little chat with Eric, who showed up. By then I was just about ready to drop dead, and was having a lot of difficulty keeping my eyes open already.

Then the guys settled down for a time of open sharing, and a lot of things came out into the open. Was probably the most exciting part of the night, actually. Grins. We learnt “who was interested in who before”, “who is after who right now”, and “why is it that so-and-so didn’t consider or start something with so-and-so”… Thank God it never came to my turn. Other than Der Biao, no one really knows abt Fiona, so I guess it was a good thing.

Hehz…

By then I was really living on my reserve energy. But I still dragged myself to the car and drove home to sleep because of a lack of beds. Ended up sleeping at almost 5, and got woken up at 9. Ended up going down to church to help with the worship back-up singing. Did a fair amount of work at the gym in the afternoon, and watched King Kong at Marbella with the jogging gang plus Caleb & co.

Dammit. If even a big fat overweight hairy monkey can snag a babe, I don’t understand why I don’t warrant a consideration by any girl the past 3 yrs.

Hehz… of course, I asked myself why is it that I don’t warrant a consideration by Fiona.

Ah well. To cap it all, my internet connection will be down for about a whole week. That’s how long it takes to do a transition between Pac Net and Singnet.

To those guys who have been talking to me abt you-know-what… thanks for all your concern. I whine a lot more than I should, probably because after finally talking to someone abt it after 2 yrs, I end up overdoing it. After all, its already been so long, I guess I’ve learnt to accept things and live with it. Getting over it will be much more difficult. After all, its not like I haven’t tried. But… *shrug* C’est la vie…

That being said, the flurry of activity lately has taken its toll on me. I find myself being a lot more confused all of a sudden, and unable to think straight. It also affects my thinking in the course of the day, as I find myself drifting off and my thoughts wandering back to it again. That’s not good… so close to my exams.

Dammit.

Otherwise, I’m actually looking forward to this week. Lots of things to do, and I feel like this season of Lent has been really really really good to me. I want to capitalize on the momentum, and start making prayer a habit of my life, as it was so long ago.

I really miss those days. To be able to walk in the park for the better part of an hr, just praying aloud to God, and not feel like I was just talking to myself.