Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Losing And Winning

Watched 2 episodes of The West Wing tonight, and I thought that to a certain extent they balanced things out very well. I don’t think I’ve ever been more emotionally touched in all 7 seasons, as the last 2 which featured Leo McGarry dying on election day. What made it twice as poignant was the knowledge that the death was for real, given that John Spencer died last december. (Again, the theme of loss seems to be springing up at every corner.)

They pretty much balanced things out with the Democratic Party winning the elections, and more or less capturing very well the mixed emotions at having pulled off one of the greatest campaigns ever against the tragedy of losing one of their very dearest and best.

I’ve started reading Shattered Dreams again, and there’s been a paragraph that caught my attention. I don’t know if its because I forgot it already, or I never noticed it. But this time round, this passage really stayed with me.


My real problem with God becomes apparent when long-held and deeply cherished
dreams are shattered and He does nothing. And these are good dreams, not dreams
of riches and fame, but dreams of decent health for those I love and for good relationships among family and friends.

Many of your dreams are good dreams too. You want to enjoy family life. You long for a job you really like, one that gives you opportunity to do what is important to you and to be appreciated for it. You aren’t asking for great health or lots of money. But an accident the day after your car insurance lapsed, then your wife coming down with chronic fatigue syndrome – its just too much. You want to serve God as a missionary, but you can’t raise the support you need to get to the field. Your dreams are good. And you’re trusting God as best you know how. But nothing is happening.

Depending on an unresponsive God in the middle of crumbling dreams can be tough on faith. Relating personally with a God who is less responsive than friends with far fewer resources is difficult.

Exactly what is God doing with all His power? At some point in your Christian life you’ll be forced to admit that Jesus didn’t make it on your list of responsive, valued friends. Live long enough, and dreams important to you will shatter. Some will remain shattered. God will not glue together the pieces of every Humpty Dumpty who takes a great fall in your life.

The divorce will go through, the cancer will claim a loved one’s life, the Alzheimer’s will not be arrested (let alone reversed) by the latest drug. The broken friendship will not be restored despite your best efforts to reconcile. Your marriage will not be satisfying no matter how many counselors you consult or seminars you attend. Your singleness will be an intolerable burden. The budding ministry will never materialize. The lost income will not be replaced by money pouring out of heaven’s window.

You’ll feel low for a long time; the dark tunnel will lengthen with no light visible at its end. Your sense of adventure will yield to dutiful drudgery. You will be miserable. Your dream of feeling alive, captivated by beauty and passionately free, will die.

And God won’t do a thing. For a long time. Maybe till heaven.

That’s my problem with Him. Yet He tells us He is our most responsive friend. He insists that, after giving us His Son, He would never withhold anything good.

Then why doesn’t He cure my mother’s Alzheimer’s? Why didn’t He relieve my wife’s back
pain? Why doesn’t He straighten out your shiftless kid and give him back some direction Wouldn’t those be good things for us? Why didn’t He arrange for you to get the education you wanted or steer you in a direction you’d really enjoy?

When we see things rightly, we’ll write His name in capital letters at the top of our list of friends and, with the angels, bow low before Him in adoration and awe. And hope. I believe that.

- Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams


Larry Crabb based his book on three principles – Firstly, that God really wants to bless us. Secondly, the deepest pleasure we’re capable of experiencing is a direct encounter with God – but we’re not in touch with that appetite and so don’t crave it as we do the lesser appetites. Thirdly, God therefore uses shattered dreams to awaken us to the real appetite that we have inside us for him.

I think… re-reading such a book some time after the first read gave me a whole different perspective, and I’ve come to appreciate it very differently than from my first read. And maybe when I first read it I did so to get some sort of affirmation, that my struggles and questions abt God in the midst of my broken dreams was a legitimate phase of struggle and doubt, that I was supposed to feel that way, and question God the way I did. Maybe I was looking out for that, found what I was looking for and was satisfied. Yet re-reading it again, I am able to now focus and finally see that it doesn’t end there. It ends with a promise that a day will come when I shall dare hope again.

Just like how Christ’s work didn’t end on Good Friday with Him dying there, I find that I am able to face my valleys with the knowledge that there is an Easter Sunday to look forward to, where in Larry Crabb’s words “Pain will have no purpose then, so it will not be allowed”.

I said last year I couldn’t wait for X’mas to come… now I find myself eagerly anticipating Easter Sunday.

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