Peace Amidst the Storm

I once heard someone in a show say to herself “随口说出来的话，往往都是真心的”, and that’s always been something that stayed with me.

They say that the best way to judge a person’s true state of mind is to gauge it by their reaction to what happens. A man who is by nature violent can’t keep up the pretence of gentility when surprised by an incident that usually provokes his outburst.

And perhaps there’s a lot of truth in that saying.

I found that I was very surprised by myself because of my reaction to something that happened recently. I was surprised by the severity of it, and just how much it affected me in haunting my thoughts for the next few days that came. It’s a worrying sign, actually…

First of all it showed me that I actually didn’t know myself that well, and what I thought was under control was actually a lot more than that. Then the realization and paranoia set in, of perhaps how easy it really has been for some around me to figure out what’s happening… then of course is the worry that I’m actually so much more transparent than I thought I was, that the wall I always assumed was around me has actually long since been demolished. As though I had become the emperor wearing his new clothes.

Saturday was a really busy day for me. After barely sleeping three hours, I had to wake up at 7 to go down to the cell grp chalet at Aloha Changi. It was a slow start to the day, but was followed first by our meeting which was a little tiring, then having to drive down to church to attend the core group meeting. That took another 3 hrs plus, and by the time I drove back to the chalet, it was night-time already. I started barbequing at the pit, and finished cooking all the food that remained. Then I sat down and had a little chat with Eric, who showed up. By then I was just about ready to drop dead, and was having a lot of difficulty keeping my eyes open already.

Then the guys settled down for a time of open sharing, and a lot of things came out into the open. Was probably the most exciting part of the night, actually. Grins. We learnt “who was interested in who before”, “who is after who right now”, and “why is it that so-and-so didn’t consider or start something with so-and-so”… Thank God it never came to my turn. Other than Der Biao, no one really knows abt Fiona, so I guess it was a good thing.

Hehz…

By then I was really living on my reserve energy. But I still dragged myself to the car and drove home to sleep because of a lack of beds. Ended up sleeping at almost 5, and got woken up at 9. Ended up going down to church to help with the worship back-up singing. Did a fair amount of work at the gym in the afternoon, and watched King Kong at Marbella with the jogging gang plus Caleb & co.

Dammit. If even a big fat overweight hairy monkey can snag a babe, I don’t understand why I don’t warrant a consideration by any girl the past 3 yrs.

Hehz… of course, I asked myself why is it that I don’t warrant a consideration by Fiona.

Ah well. To cap it all, my internet connection will be down for about a whole week. That’s how long it takes to do a transition between Pac Net and Singnet.

To those guys who have been talking to me abt you-know-what… thanks for all your concern. I whine a lot more than I should, probably because after finally talking to someone abt it after 2 yrs, I end up overdoing it. After all, its already been so long, I guess I’ve learnt to accept things and live with it. Getting over it will be much more difficult. After all, its not like I haven’t tried. But… *shrug* C’est la vie…

That being said, the flurry of activity lately has taken its toll on me. I find myself being a lot more confused all of a sudden, and unable to think straight. It also affects my thinking in the course of the day, as I find myself drifting off and my thoughts wandering back to it again. That’s not good… so close to my exams.

Dammit.

Otherwise, I’m actually looking forward to this week. Lots of things to do, and I feel like this season of Lent has been really really really good to me. I want to capitalize on the momentum, and start making prayer a habit of my life, as it was so long ago.

I really miss those days. To be able to walk in the park for the better part of an hr, just praying aloud to God, and not feel like I was just talking to myself.