How???

I was asked last night why is it that I don’t ever cry in front of people. And I guess except for the rare worship session or prayer session where I break down in tears, its true that no one has ever seen me cry… if Grace ever did, she can definitely count the number of times with just one hand.

I think its hard to answer that question… I have no problems crying when I’m alone… usually its in my room at abt 3 in the morning… couple of times I did it at the swing in my park… always when no one’s around, of course. Lots of things actually move me to tears when I’m alone, actually. I bawled all three times when I watched Les Miserables, and both times I caught Miss Saigon. And I also teared quite a bit when watching the Passion of Christ. I guess that’s abt as far as I’m willing to go, when it comes to crying in front of people – when people aren’t/can’t directly looking at me…

I’ve never been one to go open with my emotions, and what is it that I’m really struggling with… the things that I’m bitching abt are usually the superficial ones… not that they aren’t valid concerns that trouble me… (sometimes, they’re actually more valid than the things that bug me more, that are bothering me deep inside… Hehz..) The only time I really tell people what’s bugging me is if they spot it, and then ask me… In other words, I dun tell people things… I confess things.
Hahahahaha…

Ah well…

I was also asked how I react when I sense that a girl is coming on to me… Well, to be honest, I dun get that very often if at all la. Blame it on a low self-esteem (or mebbe a pretty accurate self-assessment), I think I’ve had less than 3 girls in my life who would have at some time in our friendship considered me as anything other than just a good friend. The other occasions were a lot more direct than that… the girls just came up straight to me and told me how they felt abt me. And every time it happened, I just lost my head and handled the whole thing very badly… In my defence, I think I hardly know them… so their sudden declaration really freaked me out… Hehz…

But I guess I really do have a problem. After my previous relationship, I told myself I’m not going go end up with someone I haven’t known very long, because its very easy to get into a relationship when you feel its right, but very hard to get out of one after realizing its wrong. In something so important, I’m not going to engage in an activity that is tantamount to gambling, with my heart and my feelings as stake.

BUT… I’m always reluctant to jeopardize a good friendship. After having crossed over into the realm of a commitment, it is impossible to rescind all that, and revert back to the state of being good friends… in other words, I’m equally unwilling to gamble when what’s at stake is a friendship I cherish

SO… I think I’m pretty screwed. The more I think she’s worth chasing as a life partner, the more I’m unwilling to risk losing her in my life altogether… Accepting it as “that’s the way it is” somehow just isn’t good enough for me. So until I figure out how to resolve this dichotomy, I guess a dog still remains my most viable alternative…

Of course, in my current state of inconsequential existence, without a job and without a degree, I would be the one reaping all the benefits whilst she’d be the one drawing all the short straws. It’s a bit hard to tell a girl how much I love her, whilst at the same time inflicting that on her. Grins.

Am I being too hard on myself? After all, I see people who just plunge into one and it seems to turn out alright. I mean, I don’t think I want to be in their shoes, but they seem to have stuck together all these years, and they seem to be able to live with the issues they have to deal with. Maybe its like what I said, we all choose to see what we want to see, and ignore what we don’t want to see, so that we get what we want.

And maybe that’ll be what happens to me also when I finally commit. Maybe all this rhetoric abt not compromising will soon enough be forgotten when I’m in a relationship. Hehz…

If that happens… someone stab me.

Please?