PRETTY Long Post... Be Warned.

Apparently, there've been those who thought that the kind hearted soul who told me that she would have fallen for me, just to make me feel better, was Weimin. Hahahaha... its not her, people. Wake up!!! I said "kind-hearted", did I not????? Grins

Anyway...

Ever felt the kind of pained helplessness when someone you love is hurting, and there is absolutely nothing you can do? Or the kind of helplessness you feel when someone you love is headed for a lot of hurt, but there’s nothing you can do to stop him or her?

The tendency is to always try to interfere… talk to the ones who is hurting, to spend time with them and be there for them… to speak words of encouragement to them, to help them see things your way so that they won’t take things so bad… Then you also try to talk to the other ones who are headed towards that same street, also trying to get them to see things your way, trying to help them avoid going through the pain which you can see coming their way, or else trying to pre-empt what going to happen by overcompensating with being nice for the present. Whether it be a disease that causes it, or BGR that is responsible for it, we all feel the very strong inclination to “do something about it”.

I guess that’s very normal, and at many levels it reflects a very noble sentiment of active concern. After all, there’s truth in the saying “action speaks louder than words”. But I guess sometimes its wiser to read that again carefully, and focus on the fact that words don’t do much, instead of fixating on how much we can do.

I remember sharing with a couple of people recently how stubborn we all are. Each one of us likes to fixate on the things we desire, and we end up hearing what we want to hear. Be it career paths, theological differences, choice of partners, or even diet preferences… we all think we’ve heard and given due consideration to what others have been trying to tell us… and we like to think we know what we’re doing. Thus the ever-popular expression we hear from just about everyone: “I don’t understand why I never saw it that way till now”. (Those who’ve never said that before are forced to pay the price for their myopia until they finally learn their lesson.)

I used to sit back at laugh at these “myopic” people, and quote my sister’s saying, that “stupidity has no cure”. Recently I realized that I too, have actually been guilty of it. Its humbling to suddenly see things the way your friends see it, and realize what an ass I’ve made of myself, assuming that I knew what I was doing when its so clear to their eyes that I don’t. Knowing that Fiona will never have eyes for me, I persist in holding out hope that she will eventually come round to the idea. I even tell myself that I’m willing to take what I can get, and compromise on everything I’ve told myself and many others, how lofty love should be like.

And for a long long time I used to love this chorus that went –

我可以一杯接着一杯
只为了你想要喝醉
在你迷蒙眼神里彷佛才有我的美
我可以一杯接着一杯
只要你留在我身边
就当做是一时气氛美也足够我
反复的回味

And it was only recently that I recognized how such a sentiment, though romantic, absolutely betrays the kind of standards that love should aspire to. How we never should compromise on what love should really be like. If loving me wholeheartedly for who I am and being able to identify with what I am is what love should be, then there is no room to settle for less, just in order to get what I want. That’s not love, that’s selfish desire.

And that’s foolishness.

Edmund recently told me that its obvious I haven’t been able to move on. And dammit, he’s right. “Taking my time” is just an excuse. I guess its time to stop being a fool, and not obsess anymore on what I desire.

But moving on is not easy, as someone very dearly loved is now finding out.

I was asked this question – In our attempt to love like Christ, we love out of ourselves- independent of the object of our affection to a certain extent (i.e. whether that person is worth it or not). So when that relationship is broken, where does that leave love? The one who truly loved knows that it is not possible to cease loving, so now what?

I used to ask that question too.

I guess its impossible to ever tell someone “so now what”… and be able to put down the next 21 states the person goes through before attaining total healing, and move on completely in a way that satisfies every consideration.

But what I’ve learnt is this – that actions have consequences. When we make a bad decision, we pay the price. Too many skipped lectures and you fail to earn your degree, and you lose your scholarship. Plunge headlong into a relationship against the better wishes and advice of those who really care, and you’ll find yourself dealing with the emotional scars that will last much longer than the 4 years you spent trying to make it work.

I guess the fact is we don’t always move on. Some lesser hurts might be forgotten in due time, only stirring so slight a reaction when reminded that we are able to shrug it off as inconsequential. Some hurts will remain, and we bear scars from it that we can never forget or get over… until heaven.

We’re fragile people… and so is our love. The last thing we need to do is make things ten times harder for ourselves, cheapening it by giving it away too easily and then having to pay the price by bearing the scars it leaves us with.

Maybe that’s why I still love very passionately, but am so afraid of ever committing. The hurt you feel when you see someone you desire ending up with someone else is much lesser than the hurt you will go through when you run headlong into “giving it a shot”, and then run out of the whole saga with your heart being broken yet again, and more inside of you dying a little each time.

I recently suddenly remembered one song that just about perfectly sums up the only question that keeps coming to mind whenever I think of taking another shot at a relationship.

一颗心交给谁
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去会不会后悔?
爱情的边缘一次又一次徘徊。
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去能不能收回?
付出了感情只怕换来是伤悲。

过去我为爱流过泪,
现在已锁上我心扉,
孤单和寂寞习惯陪我心沉睡。
是否该抛开是与非,
再爱一次也无所谓,
自从遇见你仿佛已经忘了我
忘了我是谁。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
迷惑的眼睛已分不清对不对。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
一颗心交给谁?

- 伍思凯

I’ve been accused before of having a harmful impact on relationships by my negative comments. And maybe its true that what I say really doesn’t help make things better. But I guess in my defense the worst I can be accused of, is accelerating the process that leads to the inevitable outcome… Because the helplessness that I mentioned at the start of this post proves to me that at the end of the day, we ourselves are responsible for where we end up… no matter what others say, we will never see things their way, until in the deep recesses of our own minds we finally see what others have always been seeing.

I guess at the end of the day, that helplessness is a good thing… because it forces us to be reminded that at the end of the day, there is nothing that we can do except through prayer, and nothing we can’t do with prayer.

Ah well. So much for all the relationship nightmares that are springing out every corner imaginable…

All that drivel about relationships aside... I’m actually happy that PAP won the elections. Tee hee. I know many people like Diana will explode when their read this. But at the end of the day, I vote for who can do the job. And when I survey the opposition, I think I’m ultimately still glad that the ones I think are more capable are the ones running the show.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy is leaving Old Trafford, and good riddance too, I might add. I’ve always been a sucker for loyalty… but for a player who shows an ego that is bigger than the club and spares no consideration for team ethics, I think they deserve to be shipped.

England’s not going to make it into even the quarter finals of the World Cup. Erikssson chose 4 strikers… one with a broken foot, one still recovering from a broken foot… one who only scored 7 goals all season, and the last one who is only 17 and hasn’t played a Premiership game before. I’m tempted to bet on the English goalkeeper scoring more goals than the 4 strikers combined.