Distance

"I've never found a companion as companionable as solitude." – Henry David Thoreau

Ever heard someone say to you before that "misery loves company"? I think that's a very misleading statement. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what its getting at, and I agree with the sentiment completely. But it's quite different from what I'm gonna be talking about.

I think... pain was never meant to be something shared. Its too personal, too exclusive to the person involved. My loss will never be understood by you, and your pain will always be seen on the outside by me. The best I'll be able to do is to share the burdens that your loss causes. Just like how you'll never be able to truly understand the depth of my pain, and where I'm coming from.

Happiness is so much easier to share, since its much easier to vicariously bask in someone else's' triumph, and partake of another's glory.

I finished reading the last Harry Potter book... and it just struck me that in a book that basically unraveled all the mysteries of the previous 6 books put together, the disclosures were mostly all about the hurt and pain that were borne alone by the different characters. Dumbledore, Snape and Harry – bound by a common tacit agreement between them that their suffering would not have been met agreeably by society – even those closest to them. Thus, instead of increasing their heavy burdens with the need to justify their hurts, it was the more practical and merciful option that they chose to hide it from everyone else.

There were plenty around them who helped to bear their burdens, especially Harry – for whom many died protecting him... but ultimately there's no denying that aside from Voldemort himself, the 3 loneliest characters in the book remain the 3 most pivotal characters of the entire series – Harry, Snape and Dumbledore.

My point being?

Maybe its that the last book leaves me with a lot of regrets... emotions stirred up by it, feeling sorry that we've more or less seen the last of Hogwarts and that lightning scar of the Boy-Who-Lived. Perhaps its just things that have happened around me that served as a trigger, both consciously as well as subconsciously. Or perhaps its just the weather turning a little dreary.

But anyway, it seems that even so many years after what has happened, and despite all that I've tried to say abt the issue, I've come to personally realize that other people will always be people on the outside looking in, with their own take on matters, devoid of the sort of personal experience that only I have. In fact, each time I mention it now, I become the victim once again, being castigated as one who has failed to move on. Much easier to keep it inside, since its not helping anyone anyway.

Worse thing is, I know that if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing, picking open another's scar, then pouring salt on the wound all over again. I know. I've done that. Rather than doing it to another again, I think I'd prefer sticking to sharing someone joy instead.

The price to pay for sharing one's burdens is just a bit too high, since I'll never know when I'm actually wrenching another person's soul in the name of what I always thought would be good for that person. I don't have that kind of wisdom.