Guess what - I've come full circle again abt needing a girlfriend. I mean, right now, when I really don't have anything in my life that I can boast abt, the time when I feel like the perfect loser, now's the most appropriate time for a girl to show that she can really love me. That she really loves me for who I am, not what I stand for, not what I do, not what I have... etc.

Really ironic that today, our DG topic was on sexual purity, and the context was very much sexual purity in a r/s. I'll be the first to confess that physical intimacy remains one of the reasons why I want to get into a relationship (and a pretty big reason at that, too), yet it also is one of the big reasons why I don't dare to get into one right now. Unless I date a girl with only one arm, one leg and no face, I'm not sure whether I'll have the self control with any girl that I go out with, to not make the mistakes that I made with Grace. Maybe I'm the kindda guy who needs to just date for less than a yr and get married. That way I limit the potential to do more wrong.

Is that a good enough reason to keep me from dating? In my case, I think so. To embark on a dating relationship now would be tantamount to stepping on to a slippery slope. The potential to do wrong is so great. And of course, a hundred other reasons come to mind - I don't have a degree, I don't have money, and I haven't accomplished anything yet. Would any girl want me? Do I have anything to offer them? Or even to offer the girl's parents, that they dare to trust me with their daughter? Why the hell shd their parents' opinion matter anyway? I mean, I understand the need for parental blessings, but if the objection is based upon skewed values, should we still pay attention to them?

Ok, basically, I just needed to let off some steam. Thus the tirade in front. Slowly, more and more pple are coming to know abt my terminated scholarship. More and more I begin to understand what Paul faces. Its hard to put into words, but you still feel damned shit when pple hear it, and dunno how to look you in the eye anymore. Worse still, some give you the "Hope you've learnt your lesson" look, which is just a really bastard thing to do.

Ah well. Of course, other things on my mind include the ongoing saga with Andrew, and how I dunno what to do. I can avoid him, but he refuses to let it lie, but keeps prodding the leadership, getting them more and more upset with him. How do you steer clear of politics in the church when it keeps knocking on your door? Sometimes, I feel that those pple who appear able to avoid politics totally are simply because they're pushing it into somebody else's plate. Someone inevitably still has to do the dirty work.

Sometimes, I still degenerate and ask myself if I feel so keenly abt loneliness and ministry because of my fallout with Grace, since she's the strongest link I had between BGR and my church ministry. That perhaps I still haven't gotten over the whole episode with Grace, I continually obsess over these two areas in my life.

Loser.

Loser.

Yes, I'm a loser.

So what?

Bah.