Wow... to think its friday already. And it feels like I just penned the previous blog only last night. Well, what have I done this week? Err... come to think of it, very little. Been down with a fever most of the week, and mostly spent it in bed with a really bad bodyache.

You know, there are days when I'm whiny, and days when I'm just downright depressed. Mostly depressed cos I'm disappointed with myself. How did I let myself end up this way? It all started going downhill from NS, when my work attitude and work ethic started evaporating in the midst of my environment, and that mostly stayed with me into NUS. And so today, I reap the consequences of a habit I had sown almost 7 yrs ago. Faced with a broken relationship, and the semi-real prospect that I might not be graduating at all, a contract that was terminated, and the dawning realisation that at 25 yrs of age I'm still dependant on my family to support me... man!!! Just what the hell is wrong with me??? My greatest fear is that I'm gonna end up at a MacDonald's joint, or as a taxi driver, and become the example that every parent in church uses to warn their kids that they need to work hard to avoid being a classical underachiever.

I actually told myself that if I were born in a rich family, it'd be a lot easier to solve things. Heck, I even managed to convince myself that if I were filthy rich, the perfect scenario instead of going full-time would be to keep being a student, and thus keeping myself free to serve in church. Sounds cool huh? At least I won't have to fret anymore abt taking my parents' retirement money to support myself, or go study again. Shit man. Money sure solves a heck of a lotta problems. Is my obsession with money craven? I don't know.

Today's QT says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Prov 19:21

So what in the world is your purpose, Lord? Could it be possible to so screw up that Your purposes don't get fulfilled simply because your good purposes needs to be worked at to achieve? And since I'm so darned lazy and unable to work at anything, therefore nothing good will come out of it?

I picture myself at 30 yrs old, without a stable job, without a wife, without any achievements, and with my fellowship in church just about totally disintegrated, and I wonder if there's really gonna be anything worth living for beyond 30 yrs old. Didn't it use to be a heck of a lot easier? Before I entered NS, I was full of ideals, and full of zeal for the Lord. I had the zest to do a lotta stuff. Now I find myself a lot more cynical. I once thought I was merely wiser, yet I now recognize I am but cynical. That true wisdom allows for much belief in ideals and dreams, that this world rejects. Paul's blog mentions the relationship between adulthood and maturity, but I think there is a big difference between worldly maturity and Godly wisdom. Inevitably, worldly maturity brings about the loss of much innocence, and the onset of cynicism. Godly wisdom maintains a fear of the Lord, and the childlike faith that believes the lofty ideals of a 5 yr old is still as valid at 50. Or mebbe that's just my understanding of the way the world works for me.

Of course, this is where Paul will make his comments at what I fail to understand of his predicament, and what he is thinking.

Grins.