The Way I Was

Bah. Can't get to sleep. My mind's been tossing and turning again and again. So, feeling kindda reminiscent, I started to think back to how I was before I started NUS. Was trying to picture myself in retrospect, and ask myself how I've changed over the past 4 yrs.

On my table, there's a poem by Rudyard Kipling -

IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

And I guess to this day as the paper still is on my table, I'm still holding on to this set of ideals. But so much around me has changed since then. I've grown more cynical. I've been through more hurt and disappointment. I've let myself down more than anyone else has let me down. I've lost some really close friends, and gained some true ones. And these changes weren't kept to just me, but even my circle. The circle of friends I keep these days are so different from the circle I kept 4 yrs ago. Even within church, I'm hanging out with such different people. Heck, I'm even attending another church.

Some of the people who drifted out of my life from more than 5,6 yrs ago have started to come back into my life again. And I'm thankful for that. Mebbe these friendships that I've lost faith in were not the misplaced trust that I had thought it to be. Maybe people do move on - but we just should not discount that they will someday come back.

Is that what some call hope?

Is that how some people don't get burnt?

I also went back to revisit some of the things I said to Grace when I broke up with her. And I find myself musing. As to whether she ever did think abt the things I said to her, or did she - like she does to me - just choose to avaoid and ignore them? Or the question of whether or not she even thinks of me. Am I still in her thoughts? Or has she moved on so much more than me? Will things ever be better? Will she also come back like the friends I lost 6 yrs ago? Or will be just forget each other in due time? The prospects of bumping into her with greater frequency, esp after I move into Marbella intrigues me. For my life I hope we won't bump into each other, but given the laws of my name (Read: Murphy), how will we react when we see each other?

And since my mind is on over-drive - will this always be the case?

Shit, I'm plagued by a hundred-and-one questions all the time. Will I fail in Monash? Will my family be able to weather the financial strain? Do I change church? Will I ever dare to get into a relationship again? With who? What will I be doing in 5 yrs' time? Which church will I be in? Will I even be in S'pore? Or even a Christian? Think I'll still be close to the same circle of friends as I am right now, or will everyone have moved on as well? What if my parents' health deteriorates so badly while I'm overseas, esp my dad? What if I'm forced to abandon my studies overseas? What if I get killed? (Gee, can't be that lucky I guess...) Will I be able to get my driving licence before I leave?

Bloody shit. My head's hurting, but there's nothing I can do. Can't sleep. Can't think coherently. Can't even focus my thoughts enough to be praying.

Ah well. Sometimes its pretty fun to lie down in bed to think abt your life. It just stops being fun if you're so awake at 3 that you can sit up, get outta bed and blog again.

Started BS with Enhan since last week. Think he and I are gonna work out fine. Too bad I don't have much time left to take him. Am hoping and praying that I can make a positive difference to him and his life while I'm doing some active discipleship. Sigh...

Okie. Enough ramblings. Back to bed I go.

Hehz... think I'm going nuts. Must be the Nut's fault. Grins. Keep it up, you'll soon be number one. Grins.

And for Prodo Faggot, oops... I mean Faggins, I'm still waiting for my birthday gift. And yo Nut, whaddya getting him for his birthday? Know any friends who can make him a fake driving license? Hyak hyak hyak...