Both Sides Now

Thoreau once said men all live lives of quiet desperation. Never did quite understand the full import of that till recent years. Finding out that I'm not exactly the best kid on the block, be it in school, family, love life, church or even in my ethical principles, it kindda takes the shine out of all the ideals and aspirations I once had. Faced with the reality of just who I really am, I'm confronted with the question of just who do I think I am, to believe I'm worthy of having such lofty ambitions.

So the alternative is to try my best to hold on to scraps of the last vestiges of the picture I had of myself, and some of the fantasies I had about my character, then spend the rest of my life in my quiet desperation, trying to live up to those ideals. A better morality, a better degree, a better disposition than most, and a willingness to always try my best to put others before myself, in hope of being able to convince myself that I am worthy of at least an ounce of respect.

And mebbe that's the bottomline of why I have a phobia of committing to another relationship. I don't think I deserve it, or that I will be up to what's required of me. Cos no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I've now disciplined myself into a better man, deep inside I know I'm still as rotten as I ever was. And to have to put a girl through the hell of living with me, knowing I can't be the man of her dreams nor fulfill her expectations of me, is something I won't do. Firstly cos I fear the rejection that I suppose is inevitable, and secondly cos if truly love her, I can't put her through the whole saga of learning to love me as ugly as I may be inside. So I shrug off all the girls with "I'm not her type" or "There's just no chemistry".

And perhaps that's why I always have a tendency to meddle in the affairs of other couples. I seek my fulfillment from hoping to help others live out the kind of love that I don't think I deserve, but have always longed for.

Just watched Spiderman 2 with Paul. Its really scary, the whole recurring idea that you really might not be able to end up with the woman you truly love. Coupled with Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and the idea of how there really is a soulmate out there for you... and I'm confronted with a really scary thought. What if one day, like Paul, I fall for a girl who has a boyfriend? Or worse, is married??? All that mumbo-jumbo gung-ho nonsense about fighting for your dreams, and fighting for the love of your life - always discounts the reality that in doing so, someone inevitably gets hurt. So I'd rather that person be me. Either that, or its just cos I'm too big a wuss also. Hehz...

But if she's really the soulmate of mine, that would mean that the guy she's with isn't right for her. Then what? I've come to realize that in many girls I see, they'd rather stick with a guy who's obviously wrong for her, rather than break it off. Hey, that's what MJ did in Spiderman, isn't it? She'd rather marry the wrong man, choosing security and compromise over the one person she's so SURE is the right guy for her. Is this what love really ends up being in the real world, where we have to compromise our heart for the sake of pragmatism?

Even in real life, outside the realm of my love life (or the non-existence of it), I'm faced with the same questions, where I have to ask myself the same thing. Would I settle for a job that pays the bills, or drop it in pursuit of something nobler, something that I know I SHOULD be doing, even if it means a much poorer prospect, like a full-time ministry, or being a social worker?

As I find myself struggling with a world that has increasingly become greyer between pragmatism and destiny, I increasingly wish I could go back to the time when I would have no troubles knowing what was right. Was I too naive then, or has my vision become too clouded now?

On Feb 12, 1944, thirteen yr old Anne Frank wrote this in her diary:
Today the sun is shining, the sky is a deep blue, there is a lovely breeze and I am longing - so longing for everything. To talk, for freedom, for friends, to be alone.
And I do so long... to cry! I feel as if I am going to burst, and I know that it would get better with crying, but I can't, I'm restless, I go from room to room, breathe through the crack of a closed window, feel my heart beating, as if it is saying, can't you satisfy my longing at last?
I believe that it is spring within me, I feel that spring awakening, I feel it in my whole body and soul. It is an effort to behave normally. I feel utterly confused. I don't know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing.

Funny how at 25 yrs of age, I can still be feeling the same thing as a 13 yr old huh?